Original subtitles

Hi, Felix. Murray.

I'm here for my chess lesson. Oh, Murray, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

should have told you. The chess lesson's canceled tonight. Why? My daughter

Edna's visiting me.

Oh, that night. How is she? She's fine.

She's only here for the weekend. I want to spend as much time as I can with her.

I understand, Felix, but we're in the middle of a game. I made my move.

Pawn to king four. That's a famous Russian defense play.

Checkmate.

I'll never beat Bobby Fischer.

We'll start slowly with Eddie Fisher.

Edna?

Edna?

Was that Uncle Oscar? No, no, he'll be here soon. It's plain play. What are you

doing? Nothing.

Oh, why don't you come on in and help me clean up? Come on.

What do you feel like doing tonight?

Well, I wanted to watch television in my room. Oh, you can do that any time. I

get to see you so seldom. Let's make it something special, huh?

I like television.

That's all you do, watch television. Don't you have any other interests? Come

on, let's talk.

I've got a lot of catching up to do with you.

What do you do most of the time?

I'll hack around.

You've got a cough?

Your mother didn't tell me that.

No, that means, you know, hack around.

Oh.

Where do you hack?

Oh, around.

Hmm.

Please don't do that.

You're really growing up, aren't you?

Are you giving any thought to what you'd like to be?

No.

Well, what do you like to do?

Don't do that.

I know what let's do.

I know. Let's sit over here and play some records.

You still like music, don't you? Well, yeah, but I don't have my records here.

Oh, good. We'll play my records.

Well, yours are all ours. They're in Italian, and I don't understand the

Well, your records are in English, and I don't understand the words.

Well, I like to watch television. But there are so many things in this world

do.

What? Well, anything.

Ask me any subject. I'm an expert on every one of them. I'm multi -subject

I can't think of anything to say.

Are you getting everything you want out of life?

Are you missing anything?

Well, Jeff, my TV shows.

Can I come in and chat with you during the commercials?

Sure.

Four hours stacked up over Kennedy Airport.

Four hours.

Two stewardesses reached retirement, refused a service.

I'm exhausted. Make me a sandwich, will you?

My daughter hates me.

I'm thinking of jumping out the window.

Leave the sandwich on the ledge.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, you're always exaggerating. That doesn't hate you. I can't talk to her

anything. She won't talk to me. She has absolutely no interest whatsoever.

I just... Well, talk about not having anything to talk about. Phoenix, I have

unpack.

I'd help you, but I don't have a shovel.

I can't make her laugh anymore. I said funny things like I'm multi

Nothing. Here, I bought you some slippers from the plane.

You wore them home?

Oh, hey, honey. Hiya, Glover.

Hey, I brought you a present.

You stole a life preserver?

No, we blew it up and played ring toss in the aisle.

I'm not here. I just, I don't exist for her. Felix, I'm starving. Make me

something to eat. My heart is breaking. He talks about eating. Well, talk about

your heart breaking over something to eat. Can I hang up your bag? I'm sure

there's plenty of room in your closet.

And unpack it. Oh, stop singing, will you? What, the bad night as it was?

all of a sudden it rained at the sink?

And I think I picked up the wrong bag.

Darling, do you think it's the best idea in the world for you to watch Uncle

Oscar eat?

You could be scarred for life.

Did you have fun in Chicago, Uncle Oscar? Yeah. Tell us about Chicago.

What'd you do in Chicago?

Oh, hacked around.

What else did you do?

Oh, this and that.

You go anyplace special? Yeah, here and there.

But mostly hacked around.

What a great trip.

Where are you going? Back to the TV. The commercial's over.

Nothing wrong with her. We have great conversations.

Since when have you been hacking around?

What's the matter with you? She talks. She just doesn't want to have a deep

intellectual conversation every minute of every day.

I only get to see her on weekends.

All she's interested in is TV.

She likes David Cassidy more than me. So do I.

All right, what can I do?

Help me. How?

Help me to find out whatever it is she's interested in, then I'll get interested

in it, and I can become part of her life.

Why don't you get her involved with something that you're interested in,

part of your life? I tried, I tried.

Tried to get her interested in opera, ballet.

Gloria said I was forcing artistic things down her throat. She's right.

Well, I was willing to compromise.

I watched TV with her, The Thick Wives of Henry VIII.

The only part she liked was when they chopped the heads off.

That was the best part.

Felix, he's just a kid. Don't you remember when you were a kid?

Or were you born stuffy?

I don't know.

Maybe I was.

I'm a boring father.

I suppose I was a boring child, too.

Whenever we played house, I was always the butler.

But now you're a big dick.

Does she know about your work?

She knows I'm a commercial photographer, portrait specialty.

Yeah, but if she ever seen you do it, maybe she'd become interested in

photography.

I'll do it. I'll take her with me to work. I'm doing a portrait tomorrow.

Edna, is there a commercial yet?

Well, you're going to have a lot of fun with your old man.

You mean you're really going to let me have... Absolutely. You're my chief

assistant. Yes.

Now, darling, you don't put the light meter around your neck. That goes around

daddy's neck.

There we go.

Sweetheart, be careful. That's a good lamb.

Charlie, what are you doing? Charlie, be careful. Now, go say goodbye to your

Uncle Oscar.

Uncle Oscar?

Yeah? Are you going to coach your boys' club team today? Yeah, this afternoon.

You want to come and watch? Sure, I'd like that. Okay, I'll pick you up about

what? Well, we'll see about that. We're going to a man's house. Maybe you'll

want to stay all day and watch me work.

Maybe. I'm doing the portrait of a big insurance salesman and his family. I've

never met him. Isn't that interesting?

I meet many new people in my business. Won't it be fun to meet new people with

me, sweetheart?

I guess. What's the other?

Three River Drive.

Here we go. No, sweetheart, don't take my bag. Daddy will take the bag. You

take the lamp.

Be careful, darling. You nick both the door on the lamp.

Here we go, darling. We're going to have fun. Yeah, you're going to have fun.

You're going to have a great time. A barrel of laughs.

I hope they have TV.

You must be the photographer.

Yes, yes. Won't you come in?

My wife and I will be ready in one minute.

Fine, fine.

Daddy, he's... He's the client.

Darling, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to see me at work. Now, you'll

see how I put them completely at their ease.

That's the secret of a good portrait.

Well, what should I do?

Don't stare.

He's so cute. I'd like to pick him up. None of that.

What are you doing, sweetheart?

That's not a toy. Don't play with that.

This lamp is set, sweetheart.

Can I look in the camera? Yes, sweetheart. Of course you can. That's

you to do. I want you to find out how Daddy works, sweetheart.

Darling, looking in the camera and putting your fingers on the lens are not

same thing.

Looking is one thing.

Touching the lens is something else again, sweetheart. Now I want you to see

Daddy looks in the camera and you'll see, sweetheart.

You're standing on a wire, sweetheart.

That's the second time you've stood on a wire. Are your shoes too thick? You

can't feel a wire through them? Is that what it is, sweetheart?

Then don't stand on a wire.

Now, I think we're all set.

Sweetheart, are you feeling heat on the back of your neck?

Uh -huh. That's because you're standing in front of a lamp, darling. Don't

stand. Stand over here.

Hop over the wire. Hop over the other wire. There you are. Now, I think we're

just about set. Ready, Mr. Unger? Anytime you're ready, Mr. Albertson.

Watch me. Don't stare.

Mr.

Unger, this is my wife. Oh, so very nice to meet you. And

I'd like you to meet my very able assistant, Edna Unger.

Your wife?

No, this is my daughter.

She's tall for her age.

She's going to help me by standing on a wire.

Do we look all right?

Oh, yes, I just love your little suit, your entire suit.

Just nice. Yes, thank you. All right, Mr. Albertson, would you like to hop up

and would you like to get on the chair?

Mr.

Albertson, would you stand over here, right here next to her? And I think

be all set. Yes, you're a little close, a little close.

There we are. That's very, very good.

All right, now we're just about set.

All right, that looks very good. Oh, wait, wait.

Oh, yes, yes. The family portrait, isn't it?

Wilfred! I should like very much to meet Wilfred.

Oh.

Oh, you're perfectly normal.

Stand over here.

You'll be fine now. And we're all getting ready. Now, here we are.

All right, now, Wilton, could you just scrunch down just a little bit?

A little bit lower. A little bit lower. That's fine.

That's fine. No, no, no. My assistant will get it. We're all fine now.

And here... I think we're going to stop the game a little earlier, so... Oh,

what an honor, Oscar Madison, the sports writer. Come in. Don't stare. Don't

stare. Come in.

There we are. Drop your glass. Trust me. Drop your glass.

Pick it up. Mrs. Albertson, this is Oscar Madison.

Is that it? That's it.

Oscar Madison.

Hey, we read your column. Thank you. Nice to know you all. Don't stare, don't

stare.

But you haven't seen me make the portrait yet, sweetheart. Oh, yeah,

time for a couple of pictures, okay? All right, well, if you'll stand over here.

Don't step on the wire. Don't step on the wire. Here we go. Don't stare. There

we are.

Now, everybody. Now, scooch down, Wilfred.

Now, I think we're all set. Good.

Now, everybody. Nice big smile. Relax.

Easy. Everybody say midget.

Aha!

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Be sure to be home by midnight, son. Yeah. And when you bring the car back,

don't forget to pull the seat up.

Oh, that son of mine.

He just won't talk to me.

Edna'd rather go watch a ball game than watch me take pictures, but that's my

fault, of course. It's all my fault.

Mr. Albertson, I'd like to apologize.

Oh, forget it.

Once you stop being so uptight... We had a very good session. Well, it'll be a

good portrait, I know that. I'm a good photographer.

Just not a very good father, I'm afraid.

Oh, it's hard to be a parent.

I... I just can't seem to communicate with her.

Wilfred Grunt.

Now, how do you talk to Grunt?

He had so few interests, I don't know.

When I was a kid, I loved photography, and I still do.

I guess the thing to do is wait until they get excited about something and

help them all we can. Is that it? Right.

But the important thing is not to blame yourself.

You're a good man, Mr. Unger.

Thank you.

Let's have a cup of coffee, huh?

Thank you.

I'm very glad I met you, Mr. Albertson. You're a very nice man.

The smaller they are, the nicer they are.

Oh, say, Mr. Unger.

Have you thought about your insurance needs this year?

You know, we up here in Rhode Island have a policy which I think you'd be

much interested in. Shall we go talk about it? Yeah, well, it's the sort of

thing a man does put off, I know.

I still think the third baseman's cuter.

Billy Bart, he looks like a chipmunk. I like his personality.

Hey, what about that Eddie Thomas? I think he's got eyes for you. I think

wait till he gets rid of his braces.

Hey, honey, are you really going to see this thing through?

Sure. Good, because it's going to make your father very happy. He's been

for you to take an interest in something, see?

Edna, what happened? You're messy.

Just have a little fun, that's all.

The best thing happened today, Dad. I know what I want to do.

I want to be an umpire.

Go, go get cleaned up, sweetheart.

Better than hacking around unless she has an interest.

I'm grateful you didn't take her to the pink pussycat.

My daughter, the umpire.

Oh, Phoenix's page is going to last about 20 minutes.

She's only interested in baseball because there are boys her age on the

That's all.

She's in love with a boy who looks like a chipmunk. So what should I do?

Stuff my cheeks with nuts?

You can stop worrying about being a good parent or a bad parent. Just be a

conscientious parent. She wants to be an umpire. Go along with it.

Well, it is an interest, isn't it?

something, but I don't know anything about it.

Hey, maybe you'll teach me. Yeah, then I could teach her. Then we'd have

something in common. We could communicate.

Yes, I'd love to, but I've got an interview this afternoon.

No, no. You want to interview me at the Home for Unloved Fathers?

All right, let's hurry up. What do I do if I'm an umpire?

Well, first you have to say, play ball. Can you say that?

Play ball?

Yeah, fine. I should have a knife.

Play ball!

Chesty voice. Play ball!

What's the matter? As long as it's loud, as long as they can hear... Play ball!

Good, I hear you. They'll hear you. Okay. When do I yell play ball?

Well, that's to start the game. Well, do they give me a cue so I know when to do

it? Oh, they play the star -spangled banner, then you yell play ball. Ah,

Let's do it. Do what? Come on, let's rehearse it. You sing it. Sing it? Yeah,

yeah, come on.

For the last...

There are only two hand signals you have to know. So you're safe and out. That's

the only thing that's really important, okay? So this is safe.

Safe! Ah, not unlike the wing thread of the California condor, isn't it?

Did you know that's an endangered species? I'm going to endanger your

you don't listen. Now do a safe. Come on.

And... Safe!

Come on, do a safe, boy.

Safe! Now it's G. Kelly.

All right, you can do a safe. The second is out. Yeah, this is out.

Yeah!

That's like a hitchhiker.

Wouldn't it be funny if the Empire did that and a little car came out in the

field and he got in the car and drove away?

No, don't be petulant just because the old hunger humor is bubbling at the

surface. Come on, we've got to go.

What else do we do? Next thing you do is you brush off the plate. Oh, I'd like

that. I knew you would.

Forget the spot, will you please?

Okay, well this is the strike zone. Come on, right here, please.

Now, you've got to swallow the boys. You've got to hit every point.

considered ballet?

Edna, hurry up, will ya? Honey, we're going to be late.

Play ball!

Oh, Edna, you look terrific!

I can't get the tie straight, though. Oh, don't worry about that. Nobody will

notice. Let's go.

Hey, Oscar, is he just going to meet us there? No, he can't. He's photographing

a wedding today. Oh, that's too bad. He's going to miss his daughter's first

ball game.

Well...

to that wedding and I realized what I was missing.

I lent one of my cameras to the best man and I came rushing over here.

You look just sweet, darling.

Your tie's a little crooked, sweetheart. Everybody knows.

Gee, Dad, what a nice surprise.

Yeah, well, now don't rush until I get back. I'm going to change into my

baseball outfit and I'll be right with you.

me i went back in the stands yeah but after he stopped chasing you came out

the field again well the third baseman called my little girl cockeyed she has

beautiful eyes she has my eyes you shouldn't have hollered at the kid well

just teaching him a lesson in manners the little rowdy look at that look at

he came through the living room with his spikes on how could you do such a thing

it's easy see your step oh you ruined the game and you went back

Most people yell at the umpire, go soak your head. You said go fix your hair.

The ribbon was coming loose.

I was trying so hard. I was trying so hard. Now she'll never

talk to me.

Good for her.

Uncle Oscar, I'm home.

She doesn't even mention my name.

Here, Edna.

Is Dad here?

Yes, Edna.

He hates me.

All right, wait here. I'll be right back.

No, but not with your spikes on. Take your spikes. What are you doing? What

you doing?

You can't... Hi.

Hi.

Boy, Dad really goofed.

Yes, he did.

It's so embarrassing.

Was it really that important to you being an umpire?

You know what I think?

I think it was a whim to impress Billy Parks.

You're right.

Billy didn't even like me in this outfit.

Neither did your father.

Then why did he buy it for me and all the other stuff?

Because he loves you and he wants to share your interests with you, even if

doesn't agree with them. Listen, if you wanted to go into the circus, you know

what? I think he'd buy you an elephant.

If you wanted to be a hard carrier, he'd buy you a hard.

I mean, what other father would buy a man's black suit for his daughter?

You want to talk to him?

She wants to talk to you.

Why did you eject me from the ballpark?

I'm sorry, Dad, but we never would have finished the game.

I tried. I really did try. I know, and I appreciate it. You mean well, but

sometimes you're just a little... I am?

I am.

Eddie Thomas told me that his dad's always away on business.

When he is home, he's too tired to play with him.

Eddie Thomas?

The boy who bit you.

Look, suppose I... Suppose I promise that I'll try to change.

I guess if you didn't bug me, I wouldn't love you.

I love you too, sweetheart.

Would you do your old man a big favor?

Sure. Take off your spikes?

Not on the table, sweetheart. Not on the table.

Very nice of you to remember. Don't worry, Dad. I'll be fine. I have to

though. Mom's waiting downstairs.

So long, Edna.

Bye, Uncle Oscar.

Give Leonard a great big kiss for me. I will. Bye. Take very good care of

yourself. Bye -bye. See you next week.

You know what she told me.

She's going to hang up her mask and retire as an umpire.

You know what we're going to do next weekend?

What? Where are you going? We're just going to go here and there. What are you

going to do?

Just a mask.

You want to do anything special?

Just hack around.