Original subtitles

Locker. Come on, Miriam. Let's go to the sandbox.

Excuse us.

Sure.

More coffee? No, no more coffee. I want to get out of here. You know, I don't

want more coffee. You notice how I overlooked the sandbox?

Tell me the truth, Felix. What do you think of Mitzi?

She didn't say anything all evening. Can she talk?

Who cares? She listens sexy.

It's the second date with her, and I want to be alone, okay?

What do you want Miriam and me to do, move to another table? No, I just don't

want to hang around here. I'll take care of the check. We'll leave. You go your

way, I'll go mine. I get the deal. Right, when they come back, you say you

to leave.

Leave it to me? All right, I will get you.

So when I said I was Trishanian Afghan, she said, why don't you do something

big, knit a St. Bernard?

You bring us our regular as usual, okay?

I couldn't believe that out of her, because she always looks so stern.

Uncle!

Shit! It's them. I recognize them from TV.

It's them. Isn't it Oscar? Yeah, it's them. Right over there. Betty White and

Alan Ludden from Password. Where? Where? Where? Don't look. You'll embarrass

them. I can't see if I don't look on the way out.

Not particularly.

I'm not speaking to Alan Ludden.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier Madison's wife had thrown him out requesting that he never

returned Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

You're not speaking to Alan Ludden? Do you know him? Hey, lads, I know Ludden.

Six months ago.

Six months ago. I auditioned to be a contestant on Password. They never

me. Don't call us, we'll call you.

I don't get it.

He doesn't pick the contestants. They got guys who do all that backstage

I gave a powerful audition.

Maybe that's why you didn't get it.

What do you mean by that?

Felix, they want average Joes. People who look like they may not necessarily

win, like cab drivers, housewives. See, they don't want sophisticated

photographers, portraits especially.

And look how I got involved in the conversation when I want to get out of

Average. Of course I'm not average. That's why I didn't get on.

It's lonely having a high IQ.

Sure. You ever see Einstein on Beat the Clock? Oh, can I get his autograph for

my little sister?

Does she live with you? No, I live alone. Sure you can get it.

Don't stare, darling.

That's Oscar Madison, my favorite sports writer. He's used to being stared at. I

know, but he doesn't know you're a sports freak.

I'm going over and talk to him.

Have a little white bread, Alan.

I can't believe I'm not on the show because I'm above average.

Oh, he's coming over here.

Act average.

Do you suffer much from acid stomach?

Alan Ludden, what a coincidence.

My basic girl and I were just talking about you.

I'll be a son of a gun if I don't enjoy Password. You know, one thing I like, I

like to sit around the Formica table.

I like to drink beer out of the can. Just sit there in my undershirt.

Watch the boob tube.

That's very interesting.

Say, are you Oscar Madison?

Yes, I am. You know you're my favorite sports writer. I read you every day.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Look, Miriam Welby, Lindsay Ferguson, and this

Felix Unger. Now, he really loves Password.

How do? Nice to know you. Likewise, I'm sure.

Listen, Oscar.

Listen,

Oscar, if you'd be interested in being a celebrity guest on Password, why don't

you give our office a call? We're looking for celebrities for a special

series we're doing. Oh, I'm not good at games. I appreciate the thought of it,

but no, I can't. Okay, but it sure was nice meeting you anyway. Thank you.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Bye -bye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Never even noticed me.

Riding so hard to be an average Joe. You were so good, like Ozzie Nelson.

And you, Al Lovin, asked you to be a contestant on Password, and you turned

down. Felix, I don't know how to play the game. I am not going on the show,

we're getting out of here. Let's go. You can pay the check. Here, sort it out.

Oh, but I didn't get his autograph.

I got one in the car.

Left me a button.

I'm just... Dying to talk to Alan Ludden. Well, why don't you go over

no, no, no. Oh, go on. No, no, I shouldn't. Please, go on. You'll never

happy. It would be pushy, wouldn't it? No, please, come on. I insist.

Excuse me, Alan Ludden.

Yes, oh, oh, your Oscar's friend, Mr. Engle.

Unger, Felix Unger. Oh, yes, Unger. This is my wife, Betty, Mr. Unger. Felix.

I know you, Mrs. White. Miss, Miss, Miss White.

Miss, Miss Ludden. Betty.

Ah. You know, I watch you all the time, Betty.

You're my biggest fan.

Thank you, that's very nice.

I remember when you had your own show.

Years and years and years ago.

That many.

It's amazing how youthful you look.

Thank you. I'm even younger on the reruns.

Say, if Oscar Madison went on this... Special password show you were talking

about. Could he choose his partner?

Well, probably, but I'm not in charge of that department, Felix. Uh -huh.

Well, if he chose his own partner, could he choose me? I'm just an average guy.

I worked my way through college selling spot remover. Well, actually, that would

be up to Oscar.

Uh -huh.

I see.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. I guess I better be shoving off.

As Reader's Digest says, never overstay your welcome, or you'll never be

welcomed. Stay over.

It's a long boat.

I love pets.

It worked.

It worked.

Oh, Oscar's going to be so happy. He's dying to go on past work. He probably

didn't want to be on it. That's before he knew that I was going to be his

partner. Let's go tell him. Do you know where Mitzi lives?

I wait till morning.

Right. You'll get your answer in the morning, Al.

I just get up.

Smoked.

Pig smoked.

Crisp. Pig smoked. Crisp.

Bacon and scrambled eggs. Rice! Rice!

And you said you can't play Password.

You see?

Why don't you call Al and go ahead. Tell him you'll be on. He said I could be

your partner, so how could you lose? See, he's just served the food. Forget

about last night. How can I forget about last night? It was your big chance, and

you turned it down.

I thought I had a big chance last night, and Missy turned me down.

You have any fun with Maria?

vitamin C.

I'm making your favorite breakfast.

I know, jumbled cluck.

And I know why you're making it. I'm not going to go on passwords.

Coffee.

Cup. Empty.

Full. Hot.

I don't get it. I want a hot cup of coffee. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were playing a game. I know what you're doing.

I know, I know. Why won't you go on password? It's such a simple game and

already understand the basics and I can teach you the subtleties and nothing

flat. What subtleties? Well, The inflections. Like, if you go up, that

give the opposite.

Hot.

Come on. It's so simple.

Hot.

Cold. Yes.

Nothing to it.

Give me another one.

North.

South. Right.

Isn't that simple?

Then if you go steady in the inflection, then you just, like, candle, and you

just give the next thing that comes normally. Give me that again. I don't

understand.

Candle. Stick.

Of course.

Let me try one. I want to try one of those zingers.

Book. Kate.

Good. I was thinking a maker, but Kate is good.

I told you it's a lot of fun. Well, what are you going to do? Forget about it.

Forget about the game. Forget about past weather. Forget about books. Oh, come

on, Oscar. Alan Ludden said that if you play, I could be your partner. It's my

life's dream.

No. They give you $750.

I'll lose.

Who wants a spoiler friend's dream?

That's great. And I can be your partner? Sure.

Good. Bye.

I didn't know that. Just perfect. Just perfect. All right, Murray, you sit

there. Now, Myrna, you're going to be a celebrity.

Can I be Peggy Cass?

Whatever you want. You just sit right there.

Murray, you'll be an ordinary person.

Don't rub it in.

Who do you want me to be? Now, you're going to be Alan Ludden. Oh, what fun.

Would you be Monty Hall instead? I always wanted to dress like a chicken.

Hey, what's going on? We're all going to practice password.

Well, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, partner.

What's on that razor -sharp mind of yours? Well, I'm not here in the

It's kind of private. Yeah, sure.

Everybody, just pass some words among each other.

You're not getting butterflies in the tum -tum, are you? No, no, no.

Well,

it's about our partnership.

What about it?

It's off.

Oh, you're not going to be on password? Oh, yeah, I'm going to be on password,

but Mitzi's going to be my partner.

So Mitzi's going to be your partner.

How about them apples?

Well, she loves game shows. She's very bright. She graduated charm school.

No kidding.

So Mitzi's in and little Felix is out.

That's show business.

Guess I better tell everybody to go home. No, no, no, no. I promised I'd

you for the game.

I keep my promises.

The show must go on, fella.

No matter how boring it's going to be.

Boy, you're taking a great... I thought you'd be angry.

I'm a big boy now.

I didn't cry at Anzio.

I want to say, I've always underestimated your class.

All right, everybody, we're going to

play Password.

Yay! There'll be a slight change in the lineup, Miriam. I'm going to be Ellen

Lovenhaus.

Mr. Celebrity, you'll sit here.

Miss Charm School, you'll sit there.

Can we get on with the game? Yes. Now, the game is worth 25 points.

The first clue is worth 10 points, and you'll have 10 seconds in which to

respond. The first player has the option to pass or play.

Those are the rules. I didn't understand the rules. Don't worry.

I'll carry you. Here is the first password.

The word is aquarium.

All right, Murray, you have the option to pass or play.

Pythology Pisces very wrong

How is Miss Magna compute from charm school?

All right, so she's not a genius. Who wants to date an encyclopedia anyway?

Oscar, if her IQ were one point higher, she'd have the mentality of a handball.

But forgive me, she's your choice.

No, she's not my choice anymore.

What do you mean?

Oh, you didn't insult that poor child.

No, she insulted me. She said she didn't want to appear on the show with me. She

said I gave bad clues.

So I guess you'll need another partner then, won't you?

Yeah. I guess I'll need another partner.

I guess everybody needs a partner like Rogers and Hammerstein and Lewis and

Clark and Tom and Jerry and Frick and Frack.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, I had a great partner. Did I have a great partner? Boy, he could play those

inflections, you know, when he's that hot man I knew. Cold, cold, cold. Oh,

And then when he gave me the...

candlestick. Oh, we'd have creamed anybody. I'm telling you, we would have

the greatest team. I'd better call out and tell them I don't have a partner.

I'll do it. You will?

What are you doing?

Swallowing my pride.

Hey.

Look at that.

Are you sure it's okay to be here?

Why, of course. We're part of the show, buddy. We belong here.

Doesn't that look bigger on TV?

That's often the case.

Fix your tie.

Leave it alone.

Isn't that Betty White?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's an absolutely unbeatable player.

Did you know that she and Alan Lutton met on this show? They met on Password,

yeah. Really? She said I, he said do?

It's very rare.

Words brought them together. Their password was love.

It is nice.

Don't you be nervous, Millicent. That's silly. Honey, I've got some old

lightning round words we can... Practice with him. You can get kind of the

feeling of the show. You want to do that?

Okay.

Shoot. All right.

Now.

Photograph.

Picture. Right.

Sit. Down.

Furniture. Chair. Got it.

Animal.

Bear.

Neck.

Oh, don't be. It's going to be fun.

Do you know who we're playing against?

Me. You.

Yes, and I take my password very seriously. I play to win.

Good luck.

Nice seeing you, Mr. Engel. Unger. Unger. Felix Unger. Good luck, Betty.

Betty White? I'm playing against Betty White? But with Felix Unger. Fix your

tongue. Stop. You saw her play.

That's why I'm scared.

Oh, nothing to be scared of. Didn't you get the message the way she plays?

Simple and follow through, like Babe Ruth's swing.

Simple, follow through. That's the key to champions.

Simple, follow... Angelo Puritra.

Angelo... What's he?

Champion bocce player.

Simple, follow through.

That's the key. Just keep your words simple and direct. Now, you ready to

the game?

Yeah, baseball and bocce I'm ready to play. Fix your tie. Oh, you fix it

yourself. You're wearing a clip -on tie to a show here. Put it back and fix

your... You're wearing a cardboard handkerchief.

That's just for show. This is my real handkerchief.

Good. After the show, we'll rob a train.

Ready, Alan?

All set. Okay, everybody, relax.

Tape is rolling.

And now, here once again is the host of Password, Alan Ludden.

We're going to meet the contestants who are going to challenge our winning team

here of Millicent Thomas and Betty White. First, let's meet that fine

writer from the New York Herald, Oscar Madden.

Welcome to Padmore, Oscar.

Nice to be here, I think.

Now, as you know, for this special series, we allow our celebrity

pick their own teammates.

Now, who have you picked for your partner, Oscar?

Oh, I chose for my partner, Felix Unger.

Yes, Felix.

Welcome to Password, Felix. Now, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm a commercial photographer, portrait specialty.

I was married, but I'm not now, unfortunately, although I wish I were.

I have two extremely beautiful children, Leonard and Edna, whom I don't see as

much as I'd like to. I only get them on weekends.

On the other hand...

I'm a very good cook, and I'm a lot of fun at parties, people tell me. Yeah, it

sounds like you need a rich, full life, Mr. Unger. Now, let's play play. Thank

you, Alan. I'll give the password first to Oscar, Madison, and Betty White. And

as they look at it, we want you to see it at home. The password is gravy.

Okay, Betty, the first option is yours for ten points.

Pass or play?

I'll play. Ten points.

Sauce.

Mayonnaise.

Nine points, Oscar.

Meat.

Meat. Lincoln.

Lincoln.

Eight points, Betty.

Covering.

Graving. You got it. Eight points for the lady.

Lincoln.

It's a known fact that Lincoln loved mayonnaise.

Okay, let's move right along. Felix. Thank you, Oscar. You have the word,

Millicent. You have the word, and if they look at it, we'd like you to see

The password is bird.

All right, Felix. You have the option this time. Pass or play?

I'll play, Ellen.

Ten points.

Aristophanes.

Aristophanes wrote a play called The Bird.

Everybody but me. Will you stop being so perfect, Felix? Will you stop it? Now,

we're losing here. Now, come on. Let's go to get together. Why do you think I'm

giving you these great clues?

Great clues?

If Charlie Chan had these clues, he'd be running a laundry.

Now, we're losing 17 to nothing.

I always win at home, don't I? All right, leave it alone.

Put it back. Never mind at home. This is the big time. Oh, the heck with him.

This is big time now.

Felix,

wait a minute.

We're going to lose this entire game. Now, we're being queen. Now, this is

important. I want you to give me good clues, something to work with, okay? I'm

glad you got the spirit, because we're going to win, win, win. Yes, now listen.

No more Greek clues.

Aristophanes is ridiculous.

Stand by.

Okay, back to the game. And the word goes to Oscar Madison, Betty White with

score of 17 to nothing. This is the word.

The password is ridiculous.

All right.

Oscar, you have the option. Pass or play? I'm going to play, Alan.

Aristophanes. Ridiculous.

The

men

are on the march.

Okay, 10 to 17.

Millicent, there you go. As they look at it, we'd like you to see it. The

password is servant.

Okay, Felix, the option is yours. Pass or play.

Thank you, Ellen.

I think I'll pass.

Waiter.

Restaurant.

Nine points.

Felix.

Thank you.

Household.

Wait, servant?

You got it!

17. Either team can win on this word. And as they look at it, the password is

pencil. All right, Betty, your team is behind now. You have the option, pass or

play.

I think I'm going to let Oscar have it.

Ten points, Oscar.

Give you the game.

Lead.

Rapite.

Pencil! Thank you very much for coming to play our game. Why?

Because you lost.

No, sirree. My clue is good. I can prove it. Sorry, we've got to move along for

a new player. Would you have a copy of our home game? I've got two copies of

your home game. I've got one in my car. No, I don't understand this. Thank you

very much, Felix Ungerdau, if you would just relinquish your chair.

Chair? We're not playing. Oh, please give me one more chance. Please. Oh,

zip.

of you playing with us at home.

I'm terribly sorry.

That's it.

You're making cocoa.

Did you win after I was ejected? A couple of games, but that Betty White is

terrific. They paid me anyway. Oh, and here's your check.

$25.

Felix Ungle.

I just don't understand myself. I play so well. You play weird.

You wonder why I didn't get Bird from Aristophanes' feelings. It's because

logic is not my logic. We're rotten partners. But when you said lead, I

immediately thought of graphite. Don't remind me. Pencil lead is made not of

lead, but of graphite and clay. Everybody knows that. Well, I knew the

couldn't be two words, so I chose one.

Graphite. It was a very good answer. All right, if I say it was a very good

answer, will we drop the subject?

Yeah. It was a rotten... I'm telling you, it was just a rotten answer,

Nobody I know thinks the way you do.

Well, I'm unique.

Unusual.

Strange.

Peculiar. That's the word. That's the word I was thinking about. You see, we

can't like... Do me a favor. Call Alan Ludden. He'll have us on again. Oh, what

a...