Original subtitles

What's that?

Oh, I was just seeing if I'd ever be able to tap dance again.

Here, Ginger. I found the pictures. Take them down to the paper.

Hey, you can take that cast off. I'm tired of having Long John Silver for

secretary. The cast is coming off tomorrow.

Give up skiing, will you?

But I like winter sports.

Well, go sleigh riding, build a snowman, kiss an Eskimo.

I'm leaving now.

I'm going to have to work on my lunch hour.

All right, I'll take you to lunch. Really? Where will we go? Here.

Oh, whitefish.

No, sardines with cream cheese.

You all right?

Yeah, you treat me too good, Mr. M.

By the way, I wanted to thank you for the book you brought me in the hospital.

You're welcome.

I'll return it to the library as soon as I can hobble over there.

And put it in a bookstore.

I was only kidding. It was a joke.

I'm also sorry I missed Mr. Unger. I wanted to thank him for all the room

freshener he sent me in the hospital.

You know, the funny thing is, he never once came to visit me.

He couldn't. He's banned from that hospital.

Mr. Unger is banned from Mid -City Memorial Hospital? He couldn't set his

in there even if it was broken.

Oh, boy.

What's the matter?

Is Queen G supposed to make noise?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple is filmed in front of a live audience.

Antiseptic Mr. Unger was banned from a hospital?

Yep. I don't believe it. Why?

It's a very long story.

Well, tell it to me. After. What do you want to watch that now then? What do you

got? Brown juice and green juice.

What's the difference?

Two weeks.

Tell me the story about Mr. Unger. It'll take my mind off this lunch. I was

doing that basketball scandal, you know, about 13 years ago. Mr. Unger fixed the

basketball game?

No, I exposed the basketball scandal.

What are you doing?

I'm covering up the sardine's eye.

That's right, that's when you were a crusading reporter out working night and

day fighting injustices.

No, I was home with a hangover.

And this scared girlfriend of a basketball player came over to tell me

boyfriend had been offered a bribe to throw a game.

I remember.

My head felt like the inside of your cast.

Steve won't take the bribe.

Can you hear me?

Oh, boy, can I hear you. Steve won't take the bribe, and that's why I came to

you. Steve and I have always admired you.

Could you admire me a little softer, please?

Steve won't take the brine. Hey, I want to get some of this dancing. Are you

going to write with a swizzle stick?

Here,

I got it.

Now, your boyfriend's name is Steve O 'Connor, right?

Is that buttermilk?

No, just old.

Maybe I should come back another time. No, no, stay, stay, listen.

Will Steve talk to me? Will he name names?

I think so.

But you have to promise me that you won't mention his name and that nobody

be here.

He didn't even want me to come. Oh, don't worry. Nobody ever comes here.

Oh, boy.

Wait until it's in the logarithm, okay?

Use the buzzer.

Go back to the nothing.

Oscar!

Long time no see.

How are you?

Good to see you.

How are you? Great!

You remember my wife, Gloria?

Yeah, how are you?

This is my very dear friend, Murray Gresham.

Hi. I'm a policeman.

I'm a citizen.

Thanks a lot, Murray.

Regards home.

See you later, alligator.

Now, nice and slow. Just remember, you're sitting for two now.

I wasn't expecting... Oscar,

Gloria's going to have a little baby.

No kidding.

She's going to have it here?

Please, Felix.

I feel like a mummy already. No, you're going to be a mummy.

Oh, Felix, I'm so hot. You want a cold drink, sweetheart?

Yes. I'll get it for you. The kitchen's right there. No, you can't win the

kitchen. No.

If I could take this room, Oscar, I could take your kitchen. Well, let me

the wood. No, no, no. If it's too cold, it might chill her a little.

I didn't know your kitchen was occupied. Oh, my. She's just a friend who's

looking at the kitchen. How was the stove?

How do you do?

My name is Felix Unger, commercial photographer.

Portrait's a specialty.

This is Gloria.

She's my wife.

Baby's a specialty?

What is your very young name?

Lolita?

You tell Steve to call me. I'll keep his name out of the paper. I promise you.

Sweetheart, pay no attention to this.

This is a side of life we don't see in you, Rochelle.

He's right. He's my friend. He reminds me of one of those skinny... squealers

the movies. I'll get your card.

Miss, you're very young. You've got your whole life ahead of you.

Don't throw it away for an hour of pleasure. A few minutes of pleasure.

Felix, go check Gloria.

Maybe the baby kicked.

No, no. You saw something?

No,

I'll get it. I promise you I'll get it. Go ahead.

Oh, Oscar.

Oscar. Oscar.

College girl came in to give me a read.

I'm just Mr.

You're Mr.

Gloria and I. I decided to take your offer.

What offer? To move in?

Here we go, sweetheart.

Here we go.

Is it this?

Mm -hmm.

I'm sorry it's a little messy. See, I use it for a rumpus room.

I wonder how many rumpuses you've had in here.

Well, Phyllis, see, I wasn't expecting anyone. I don't remember making that

offer. Oh, I'm sure I did make it. You said it. There is a bell in my memory.

Don't you remember?

I came in from New Rochelle, and I took you to my trade show. Remember? Oh, you

introduced me to that model. Yes, and while you were nuzzling, Miss

you said, when Gloria's ready to deliver, come to my place. I'm right

hospital. I said that? Yeah, yeah. Well, words to that effect. It's possible. I

said you're near the hospital. We ought to come to your place. And you said, all

right, leave me alone.

Now, Phyllis, at that point, I would have said anything to get rid of you,

that was six months ago. Well, Oscar, how long is your word good for?

Is this going to be for a matter of hours? She's almost ready. But the

said it could be two weeks. Two weeks? No, no, no, no. She's ready. I know it.

feel it. Believe me.

Yeah, but wouldn't you be more comfortable in a hotel?

No, no, we're perfectly comfortable here. Don't be silly.

Besides, they wouldn't let me cook in a hotel room.

I've got Gloria on a special diet.

I think Oscar's right. I think we should go to a hotel.

It's no imposition.

And this great guy wants us to stay here. Any other time, you see, but right

it is a little inconvenient.

Well, I'm sorry.

What should I do? Ask Gloria not to have the baby now?

Maybe I should ask the baby. Can you wait another month? Read a magazine!

Come on, come on. We're going to some sleazy hotel.

I wonder how much you have to tip a bellhop to deliver a baby.

He's so sensitive.

You know you've got a heart of gold. You have.

You have.

Didn't I tell you? He's one in a million. He's a wonderful guy.

Don't worry about us. We won't be in our way. There'll be no commotion. You

won't know we're here. One thing. Would you mind putting out your cigar?

Not on my carpet.

It's Oscar's carpet.

You're right.

I'm going to have to clean this place anyway.

It's a lucky thing I brought rags and cleanser.

I'll see you later. Oh, one thing. One thing.

How many bathrooms have we got? Three.

Good. Only one has water.

Oh.

Then we've got a problem, haven't we? You do? I'll tell you what.

If you could brush your teeth and shower and shave and everything the night

before, then Gloria and I could have the bathroom in the morning. Well, I'll

tell you what I could do, Felix. I could shower and shave and eat breakfast the

night before. Then in the morning, I could go to the poker and see the floor

show.

Can I tell you this guy's the sport?

He's the greatest. He's really the greatest. One thing.

Do you have medicated soap?

No. Then you'll have to get some. Is there a drugstore near here? Yeah, right

the corner. I'll make you a list.

Thank you.

You've got to trust me. What I lied to you, it's too important to me.

You bring Steve up here, I promise you I'll be here all alone. Honest.

All right, bye -bye.

I had to get out of there.

He set off a bug bomb.

Want a pickle?

Oh, I'm not allowed to have him. He thinks they're bad for people's IQ.

I got two college kids coming up tonight with a big story. Something to give my

career a real boost.

Now, I know I can count on you two to stay out of the way, but do you think I

can get Phoenix to go and clean Brooklyn?

Oh, I don't know, but I wish he'd go to a movie or something. I mean, his labor

pains are driving me crazy.

Then send him to the movies.

Oh, I can't. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Then I'll send him. Oh, but be tactful.

I will. He won't even know I'm asking him to leave.

Good. Of course I'm going to be tactful. Okay.

Felix, get out.

Why? I want to work, so I want you to go to the movies.

Are you crazy? My place is with Gloria.

She's going to have a little baby. Felix, it could be two weeks. Anyway,

wants you to go, too. Oh, come on. I want to hear that from Gloria's mouth.

Felix, go to the movies.

All right.

You heard it from Gloria's mouth. You want to hear it from the baby's mouth,

too?

You need to relax.

Yeah, phone it and tell us where you are and then we'll call you back.

Do you really want me to go?

Yeah, I really do.

Oh, all right, then I'll go.

Maybe I'll find a pregnant woman at the movies who needs my help.

Oh, boy.

I've got to hand it to you, Gloria. I could never live with that guy.

Here he goes again.

Hello, Phoenix.

Is Gloria there?

No, Gloria's not here. She went bowling.

Don't torment me, Oscar. I'm in my ninth month.

Phoenix, will you stop calling? Go look at the movie.

I can't sit and watch Gidget's skin clear up while my wife is having a

baby.

And look for gum under the seat. Sweep an aisle. Wave to Gidget.

Gloria's having labor pains, isn't she? We're coming closer together. I can feel

it. No, our labor pains are not coming closer together. Only your phone calls

are coming closer together.

Oscar, listen to me.

Just in case I do happen to watch some of the movies, this phone will be

answered by Miss Darlene Spinoza.

Isn't that right, Miss Spinoza?

Write that name down.

Darlene Spinoza.

I got it.

Erase it.

I think Miss Spinoza's mind is on something else.

Oh, Felix, will you stop calling Gloria's fine?

Everything's fine.

What about pillows? She's like two pillows under her. Felix, listen. Now,

going to hear a noise that sounds like I'm hanging up, but I'm not. See,

some construction work going on, so you just keep on talking, okay?

It did sound as if you hung up.

Oscar?

Oscar?

I know what you did!

How's the coast?

How's the what? The coast. Is it clear?

Yeah, nobody here. Clear coast. Come on. Come on.

I'm very nervous.

Steve,

you're dribbling again.

Yes, I am. I'm dribbling.

It's because I'm nervous. I always dribble when I'm nervous. I never

when I'm not nervous. Neither do I.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello. Oscar?

I was right not to trust Darlene Spinoza. She went up on the balcony with

usher. I'm here by myself.

Two people tried to buy popcorn from me.

Wrong number.

Okay, now who was the first to be a bride?

Well, it was... Do you believe it? I can't get a break here.

I'm all set.

I've brought my book. I could deliver it right here.

You called the cops?

No, I didn't call them. I did.

It's time.

You sure you're ready? You couldn't wait a couple of minutes? No, of course you

couldn't wait a couple of minutes.

It's been a change of plans, Steve, but I'll get in touch with you right away.

I think you better call Felix. You're absolutely right. I should call Felix.

going to call Felix.

Oscar, calm down.

I'm going to let the phones busy.

Operator, how can the line be busy?

We're closed.

Leave him a note.

Yeah, okay, listen, you wait for me downstairs and I'll leave him a note,

Oscar? Give him my regards.

You believe this, Bruce?

I never asked that man to come here. I would never do that. That guy's a nut.

You gotta be crazy to have somebody like that in your room spray, eat your

breakfast, and look at this, I'm talking to a girl.

Going to be a father.

Now what should I do?

I don't need the note anymore, do I, Sawyer?

Put it back on the tube.

Straighten your tie.

Now what should I do?

Get what I need and go to the hospital.

It's amazing how calm I am.

to Steve O 'Connor.

Well, look, when he comes in, will you have him call Klondike 5 -4 -2 -6?

Yeah. That's the Mid -City Memorial Hospital.

I'll be in the father's waiting room.

No, he didn't get anybody in trouble.

Oscar?

Yeah. I'm here. Good.

I'm completely calm.

How's Gloria? She's fine.

Has she had a little baby? No, she hasn't delivered yet. You notice my

are without hysteria?

How are you? I'm a rock.

Why do you have that?

I brought it with me.

Where shall I sit my calm self?

Well, sit your calm self over here. Take off your jacket. Relax.

I'm relaxed.

I'm not nervous.

Nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not having the baby. Gloria's having the baby. I'm just the father.

Good point. See, I brought the pickles. I want to talk to you about... What are

you going to do? Take a shower?

Perfectly normal mistake.

Are you sure you're all right?

Is that handshaking?

No, but your body is. Good idea. The doctor. I've got to speak to the doctor.

Dr. Rogers.

I don't want him to tell you that. Now, Dr. Rogers couldn't make it. He's out of

town. His associate is making the delivery.

I'm calmly asking you, is a complete stranger going to deliver my baby?

He'll introduce himself and he won't be a total stranger.

I'm sure he's a competent doctor. What's his name?

Dr. James.

Dr. James?

What, is he the hospital pet?

Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, Dr. Timmy?

What happened to your old concept?

I'm calm.

Watch my racket.

I want to speak to Dr. James. I'm afraid he's busy. He's supposed to be

delivering Mrs. Unger's baby. I'm sure he is. I want to speak to Dr. James.

Excuse me.

Dr. James. I want to speak to you. Do you hear me, James?

Dr. James. No, no, no.

No sweat, no sweat, no sweat. All right. All right, now, what's going on here?

Who's been paging me? Are you Dr. James? Yes. And who are you?

I am the man who sired Gloria Unger's baby.

What is this? They said the green kitty doesn't need to shave yet.

Forgive him, Doc. He's a little nervous. I want to speak to you. All right, you

have to make it quick. Now, you make up. I'm going to make a phone call. You

see, Dr. Jim, I happen to subscribe to the old -fashioned notion that

is a pretty important thing. Yes, yes.

Well, have you done this sort of thing before? About a hundred times.

Well, I don't see any rubber gloves. Don't you usually wear rubber gloves?

no. I usually wear a catcher's mitt.

Do you think it's funny to make jokes at a time like this? It's the best time.

Now, just relax, Mr. Unger. Your wife is fine.

You'll have to excuse me.

Another thing, belly buttons. There are two kinds. The kind that sticks out and

the kind that sticks in.

I want an Audi.

No, no, I want an Indy.

You trust that kid?

Because it's you I don't trust. Now look, go over there, pick up your

I've got to speak to Gloria.

I want to speak to Mrs. Unger. She's on her way to delivery.

Oh, oh, it's time.

Oh, oh, she's on her way to delivery.

I can make her a little wheel around here to get her in the elevator. Look,

who's there? Oh, darling, darling, I love you. I love you, sweetheart.

nothing to worry about.

Everything's going to be all right, sweetheart. Believe me. Believe me.

Well, look, warm, I'll wait.

Will you sit down and relax? They'll tell you when the baby comes.

Sit down. I won't relax.

Oh, God, please let everything be all right.

I'm sorry. Were you speaking to him?

No, I was just thinking.

Is this your first child?

Yeah.

My first one, too.

Luscious week.

Yes.

I guess you had to clear it with the... What?

Did they excommunicate you?

I'm not a priest.

I'm a minister. Oh, oh.

Boy, oh boy, what would we have done without you chaplains in the army?

I guarantee you it'll be safe. I'll meet you at the hospital.

Just insulted a minister.

He's supposed to be giving.

Look, I've got 15 minutes before my contact gets here. I'm going to get

something to eat. You want anything?

No.

Go re -spring your racket. It'll keep your fingers busy.

You didn't pick up the... No, it's not for me to tell you your job.

Also, when you're cleaning the ashtrays, I think you should wipe them out.

This is a hospital, and you're supposed to keep things clean.

Your mop is dirty, too.

What are you going to do?

You wouldn't do anything to an expectant father, would you?

No, you wouldn't.

Oh, thank goodness you're here. Oh, you didn't do anything.

Chaplain! Chaplain!

Relax! Why are you so nervous?

Why am I so nervous? I'll tell you the same thing I told my gorilla!

I never asked that man to come into my place. I'm out to medicate and soap and

breakfast. Who needs that guy?

Shoot.

There you are. You sure it's safe here? Sure it's safe.

Will you stop the dribbling and come and sit down?

Oh, look.

I don't have much time.

Who's the first guy to offer you order?

There's that man again. What's he doing here? It's all right. His wife is having

a kid. I'm trying to work here. All right. Now hurry.

Who's the first to approach you? The guard. He dragged me off to the

administrative director's office.

who accused me of attacking a patient, abusing the hospital PA system, and

disturbing a janitor. Felix. He said it's easier to get doctors than

Can you imagine that? I'm trying to work, Felix. Sorry, forgive me. Was I

interrupting? Yeah. Now, who was... Man balls me out. This whole office will

stink with cigar smoke.

Felix, go hit a pickle against the wall.

Mr. Unger?

Yes. Congratulations, Mr. Unger. Your wife is doing fine. She just gave birth

a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, there's a new Unger in the world.

This coop is going to get me my own column. When do I get to see my baby?

taking so long? They're just cleaning her up. You should appreciate that.

Unger? Here's your baby, Mr. Unger, but I'm afraid you can only see her for a

second. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

Hello. Oh, she's so beautiful.

Do you know what your name is, sweetheart?

Edna, isn't that a beautiful name? You're drooling, sweetheart.

No, oh, let me. Oh, please.

Now, that's what I call a beautiful baby.

Yeah? Well, let's go.

What's the matter? You look worried.

How do I know it's our baby?

No, but they could have brought out any baby. They all look alike.

Oh, no. I have a sister in here. No, no. I've read about these things. What are

you going to do? I've got to see Gloria. No, you can't. She's in recovery.

I want to see her. I want to see her. Can I see her? Why? Don't do that.

This is me. It's a terrific job. We are beautiful.

I just want you to know that I'm going to investigate this hospital. I want to

make sure it's our baby.

Oscar, help me, Oscar.

Who's Oscar?

Yeah, I saw him come in. He came in with a tennis racket.

I heard he insulted a priest.

One of those nuts, you know how it is.

So long, brother.

That was a beautiful story, Mr. M. Go lunch.

Can you turn the pictures down to the paper, please?

Myrna! Oh, how nice.

How's your leg? Oh, fine. Oh, by the way, thank you for all the room

you sent me. Oh, it was a pleasure. I just wish I could have come visit you.

Oh, that's okay.

I understand now.

Bye. Bye -bye. Take care. Take care. Easy.

Night, girl.

Wonderful girl. A rotten secretary.

Isn't it always that way? It's the night girls, the moral girls, the ones who

wear a bra.

They're the ones who get her.

In a sandwich? Yeah, good.

What is it? Whitefish.

Ah, I love it.

What's it mean?

Is whitefish supposed to make a noise?