Original subtitles

Very smooth.

Very, very good. Okay, up in the skies. Up, up, up. Kind of sick. Yeah, more,

more, more. Now holy. Now demure. Now taintly. Very good. Perfect.

Reloading. Perfect, girls. Just perfect.

Felix, these proofs are absolutely breathtaking.

How did you get that golden glow effect, hmm?

That's mustard.

It's plain, everyday mustard.

Mustard? Oh, that's ingenious. Yeah, from Oscar's thumb on the lens.

Oh, I wish we had one -tenth of your kind of creativity in our TV

Well, I am available for TV commercials, you know.

Felix. There's a new ad campaign that's starting soon. It'll be perfect for you.

I think I can get the agency to use you as a director.

Really? Uh -huh.

Multiblade. They want to introduce their new long -handled razor in a

commercial. But I'd be perfect for that. I shave every day.

They want to use Deacon Jones.

They want to use a minister in a shaving commercial?

He's an athlete, an all -pro football player.

But they can't reach him. He won't talk to people. He's impossible to reach. But

if they could reach him...

Then I can direct it. Well, sure.

Oh, but there's no point in that now.

Unless, uh... Unless what?

I bet Oscar could get to him.

You want me to ask Oscar to approach Deacon Jones?

Well, you want to do the commercial? Oh, dear!

You only thought of me for this commercial because I know Oscar.

This is... I'll do it.

On November 13th, Felix Ungar was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Bye.

Oscar, are you home?

No.

Boy, am I glad you're home. I'm glad you're glad. Give me a towel.

What are you doing? Dripping me. Give me a towel. You're washing in my kitchen

sink? Yeah, I couldn't fit in the dishwasher.

What are you, an animal? I'm a very wet animal. No, no, no, not on my... Here,

here.

How can you wash your face in my kitchen sink?

Well, the bathroom sink's broken.

Oh.

Well, at least you could have called for the super to fix it.

He called the super.

Don't use your bathroom.

Wait, wait.

Where are you going?

It's dinner time.

Even a super has to eat.

What about our bathroom?

Don't use it for anything.

For anything?

My very words.

What should we use?

Improvise.

The Board of Health will hear about this.

Also the Board of Friends.

We're paying off premium rent here. We're entitled to certain services.

will you?

Bathrooms are allowed to break down. What are you so upset about? You're

You're right. That's it.

I'm not. Listen. What? I have a tremendous favor to ask of you. Hurry

you? I got a date.

I have this impossible assignment. You're the only man who can help me. You

could create a whole new me. A whole new you?

I'd like to put a hole in the old you.

What do you want? Whatever you want, name it, you got it.

Help me get Deacon Jones for a TV commercial.

No.

What do you mean, no? What happened to name it, you got it?

Felix, he's a very shy, reserved man. I don't want to impose on our friendship.

First he brushes his teeth, now he drinks beer.

If I get him for this commercial, they'll let me direct it. I'm sorry,

can't.

Okay, my best friend. Tell me where he is. I'll go to him. I'll talk to him

myself. Are you kidding?

Why do you think they need outside help to get him?

Why do you think he's never done a commercial?

He never talks to advertising men. What makes you think he's going to talk to

you?

But he'll talk to you, won't he? Yeah, we're very close.

I'm the only sports writer who never asked him if both his parents were tall.

He brushes his teeth, he drinks the beer, now he's going to make a sandwich.

What are you going to do, narrate my day?

Come on, Oscar, you could do it. Please.

What harm would it do if you just asked him? I'd hate to jeopardize our

friendship. What about our friendship?

That's already in jeopardy.

All right, Oscar, go ahead. Wound. me, it doesn't matter. All right, all right,

St. Joe, St. Joe, I'll try, I'll try, all right? Yeah, I'll set up a luncheon

tomorrow at the press box, 12 .30, be there. But if you really want him,

you've got to let me do all the talking, you understand? Fine, fine, you do all

the talking, 12 .30 at the press box. Gee, that's wonderful. You won't be

will you?

Because I don't want to talk to somebody who doesn't talk to anybody.

Peter, did I ever let you down?

No, no, sir.

Just one thing. What?

In case you let me down, what does Deacon Jones look like?

He's bigger than a bread box.

You know the correct time?

Last time you asked me that, it was one o 'clock.

It is now jacked one minute after.

Has Oscar Madison been here today?

Any peanuts on the bar?

Any beer spilled on the floor?

Your stool sticky?

Do you know Deacon Jones?

You kidding?

It's him over there. Where?

Oh, really?

Could you do me a favor?

What? Could you introduce me to him?

No.

Why not?

Well, you see that big crowd of people over there around him?

No. That's right. He's all alone. Because he likes it that way.

You know why he comes in here?

Why? Because he knows I won't introduce him to anyone.

Do it myself.

Nobody I can't talk to.

Even as a child, they called me the friendly one.

He was going to introduce me to this famous sports figure.

I wanted this famous sports figure to work in a TV commercial for me, for I've

got a lot of money.

That Oscar Madison, you know, he's always late.

Put it on my tab, Pat. See you around.

Right, Dick.

Halt!

I know I'm not supposed to talk to you. I know you're moody and shy. You're

fearful of strangers. I understand that. I understand the trauma of 400 years of

slavery and the busing.

talk with me. Let me buy you a drink.

Look, have I done anything wrong?

Hey, Felix.

That's your new watch, huh? Yeah, six bucks.

do. Of course, it meant a great deal to me.

Well, in any case, thanks for thinking of me, Judy.

Right on.

Goodbye.

Hey, Phoenix, old buddy.

How'd you like to get Deacon Jones for your commercial?

That's right. Rub salt in the wounds, Oscar.

Rub salt? You want him or don't you?

Don't toy with me, Oscar. I'm a loaded pistol.

Well, don't shoot.

You want him, you got him.

Are you kidding?

Really? How?

When? Well, I figured I'd let you down, so I called Deacon. We just had dinner.

We straightened the whole thing out. You had dinner with him?

Yeah. I'm cooking dinner here. I've got a kitchen full of food. You can at

least... I've got to... You've got to... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

How can you forgive me for the terrible thing I did to you in the bar?

You mean the watch?

You fixed it.

Give me ten minutes and ask for a pretzel.

My friend Oscar Madison walks into this house and says, Felix, you can be a

director. That's what I said. Close -up. Pulled back to include Felix.

So, you told him about the payday and he couldn't resist, huh?

Are you kidding? He doesn't care about the money. That's not why I agreed to do

it. Well, why did he do it? Out of friendship.

I thought he hated me.

He does.

He got out of friendship for me.

Well, that's nice. That is very nice. It is nice. I need the money.

Oscar, you're taking a kickback. Oh, Oscar.

We have here is a failure to communicate.

Look, he keeps his money, I keep mine.

What?

Your money?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. See, I'm in the commercial, too.

The agency would never sit still for this. Yeah, but you don't understand.

no me, no Deacon Jones.

What are you trying to do? What are you trying to do? This is a one -man

commercial, Oscar. Oh, no, see, we rewrote it. And I'm afraid you're going

have to take it on. No, you can't.

There's no...

such a thing? For money.

The bathroom's still broken, huh?

You do a thing like this for money?

For money, for prestige, for ego. Do you know how much Howard Castell got for a

one -minute thing he did with Don Meredith? How much? Plenty.

I can do anything as good as he can. But they don't want to. They want Deacon

Jones. They got Deacon Jones.

They got me as a bonus. I told you we rewrote it. Ah, another bonus.

Felix, we did it for you.

are you going to shoot a commercial with a man who won't talk? So we figured it

out for your good. See, I'll do the talking. He'll stand there and look

magnificent and he'll nod. How do you like that?

Don't give me that face.

It's a question of one hand washing the other. Yeah, but now we've got three

hands. I only wanted two.

It's better than none.

Get your pots out of the sink. I've got to take a bath.

Give me your attention, please.

No one is more aware than myself that I need you a great deal more than you need

me. But I think we're all a great crew here, and I think if we pull together,

can make a really great commercial.

What do you say, team?

Just get out of the way. We're trying to focus.

Dr. McMadison, you come right over to Deacon Jones. Felix, I have such good

vibes about you. You're going to be a very good director. Oh, I hope so. This

my life's ambition.

Never fear. Your stars are here. Felix, you know Deacon. Hey there, brother.

Judy Jones, may I present Deacon Jones.

Oh, you're both named Jones.

Maybe you're related.

Oscar? Yeah, I'm going over the script now. Excuse me.

What? Oscar, I hope that, um... You're what?

I hope that you, uh... What?

Did you notice that I've had chairs made with your name and Deacon's on them?

Hey, that's great, like a real movie studio. Yeah, yeah. Good. I did it

So here's your chair. See?

I painted your name on it.

So if you want to sit down, then you sit right here.

Oh, thanks, Peter. Thanks.

Oscar? What?

You're sitting in my chair.

Well, you can sit in my chair. No, I can't do that, because it's got your

on it.

I give you my permission.

You can sit in my chair any time you want to. Well, that just defeats the

thing. If I can sit in your chair and you can sit in mine, then why put the

names on them? Yeah, why put the names on them?

director gets the taller chair.

Okay, everybody, let's get to work, shall we?

Okay, Deacon?

Deacon's going to be cooperative, isn't he? I mean, I can talk to him, can't I?

He doesn't have to answer me, but he can nod his head, can't he?

Relax, will you? He knows you're the director. How does he know that when

sitting in my chair?

Oscar,

here are your cue cards.

I think you know your lines, but your lines are here on the cue cards. If you

need them, you just refer whenever you're in trouble.

Now, Deacon, you don't have any lines. You'll stand here on the mark I made for

you for tomorrow.

And you let the camera be your mirror.

You're going to shave.

Why?

Why are you going to shave?

Why shave?

What is your motivation?

You wake up.

It's morning.

You're not fully awake.

You look out. It's a glum day. You feel low. You feel mean. The world seems

hostile. You reach for the lamp.

You reach for the long, nice mother blade.

You begin to shave.

Suddenly, the world seems a good place again.

Got that?

Right. Now, for the rehearsal, you'll just pretend to shake.

Oscar.

Get out of my chair.

Now, you're standing over here next to Deke.

Your motivation is... Money. Can we shoot it, please?

No. You're not going to shoot it now. This is a rehearsal.

All right, Deacon, will you come up here, please?

Please? Come on, Deke.

You'll tell the line I made for you?

Yeah. A couple of inches forward, please.

May I touch you?

Good.

Okay, this is going to be good.

Move the camera up two inches.

Very good, Deacon. That would disagree, didn't it?

I don't want your opinion, Oscar. I want you to say your lines. My lines? Your

lines on the cue card.

Okay.

My name is Oscar Madison. This big guy here behind the shaving cream is Deacon

Jones. Cut!

When I say cut, you stop.

Yeah, but I'm not through there. Everybody knows when the director says

everything stops. I will stop. What is it?

Don't squint like that.

You don't have to shout. You talk normally. I want you to be intimate with

and smile now and then. But the main thing is just be relaxed, be intimate.

Right, Deacon?

All right, we're going to start again from the top.

Say action. You have to wait for the director to say action.

You're the director? Yes, of course I'm the director.

Say action.

All right.

Action.

Hi. My name is Oscar Madison.

This big guy here behind the shaving cream is Deacon Jones.

Right, Deacon?

Very good, Deacon. You're shaving with a new long -handled multi -blade safety

razor, right?

Very good, Deacon. The long -handled razor with a long reach to move.

like a magic wand over the toughest beard. Right, Deacon?

Very good. Deacon, you have shaved with all kinds of razor. Smile.

Smile. Haven't you? Smile, Oscar. And Muddy Blade really scores with you.

Right. Cut!

That was very, very good. That was really speaking, Deacon.

Deacon is fine, but the agency will not go with Oscar.

His whole image is wrong.

What's wrong with Oscar's image?

It's rotten.

Isn't that part of the charm?

No. You'll bring in a pro tomorrow. I'm sorry he's out.

But if he's out, then the big guy is out. If the big guy's out, then the

guy is out.

Felix, there's a lot of money involved with this.

Let me work with him. I'll let him go now. I promise you, it'll be great

tomorrow. We'll scrub the whole thing, all right? Please?

All right. Till tomorrow.

Okay, team, that's a wrap.

We're going to meet at 9 o 'clock tomorrow morning, ready to make a

That was great, team. Really great.

Nine o 'clock tomorrow morning. Let's go.

Oscar will be here, too. Oh, yes. I'll pick you up.

Bye -bye, brother.

Bye, Jerry. Hey, buddy. Was I great or was I good? What's Howard Custell got

that I haven't got yet? We're going to work on you.

You see, you could even get it better. We're going to work on your motivation.

I'm going to give you motivation.

I'm going to give you a couple of line readings.

I'm going to give you projection.

I'm going to get... But I can't do anything with this man sitting in my

here. Pat! Pat!

You're surprised by the camera and you say... Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.

This big guy here behind the shaving cream is Dinkin' Joe. The thing is, this

should have a nice, casual, friendly, man -to -man thing with it. You're

standing here, you're talking with your friend, you're putting some lather in

his hand.

You know, it's a camaraderie. A new friend joins you. The camera's a new

You look up and you say, Hi, my name is Oscar Madison.

Big guy here behind the shaving cream. A little friendly. It's such a humor

there. This big guy here behind the shaving cream is... So

you're putting the shaving cream in his hand, and you're joined by a new

friend, and you're surprised, and you say... It could

be a little bit more real, a little bit more solid from the heart. You know what

I mean?

Because what you're doing is good, but it's got a touch of musical comedy to

It should be a little bit more legitimate, you know what I mean? Yeah,

want big guy. Yeah, not so big, a little bit more virile. But you want big guy.

Now, here we go again.

You're putting the shaving cream in his hand, and you're joined by a friend, and

you say... Hi, my name is Oscar... Oh, that's enough, I'm sorry.

This is not Hamlet, you know. But you see, if you did it like that, it would

good. You said I had it this afternoon.

What is it supposed to be like?

Well, you're supposed to say it like you're talking, naturally.

Isn't that reading right, Mr. Osborne? Right. Go fix the bathroom.

Look. Hi, my name is Harvey Fafner. This big guy here behind the shaving cream

is Deacon Jones. That is excellent, Mr.

Fafner. Perfect. I'll go fix the bathroom. Oscar, wait, wait, wait.

Go fix the bathroom, Mr. Fafner. It's fixed. It's fixed. Look, but I can do

this, too. You know, I can do a commercial.

They're using real people in commercials now. I know they are. I wish I could do

something for you, but I can't use you as an actor, Mr. Fafner. Okay. Well,

maybe you're right. Who wants to be an actor?

Maybe I better stick to what I know best.

Singing.

I do it better than Fafner.

Yes, you do. It's very, very good, and it's going to be perfect.

Now, concentrate.

Total concentration.

Throw yourself to the park.

Think. Think hard.

What are you thinking?

When do I get my check?

The toughest beard, right?

You have shaved with all kinds of razors, haven't you? And one razor

scores with you.

Multiplied, right?

God, that is great.

That is perfect.

Now we're going to shoot it just like that. Makeup, come on. Go ahead.

Start with the shaving cream in the hand.

Rolling, take one.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

There's too many things. That guy with the loud barber poles and the guy's

coming and I said there's too much to do. Don't go into the shaving cream. Put

the shaving cream on his face.

Relax.

Yes. Take it easy. Come on, make up. Help us in here.

Okay.

I'm loose now. Let's go. I'm loose.

Let's go.

Lovers. Rolling tape two. I'm loose. I'm loose. I'm loose.

Action. Tight. I'm tight.

What's the matter?

I'm giving you action.

You know, you have to do it that way. It makes me nervous. I have to shout

action to you. That's my job. You have to do it so loud, it throws me off, see?

All right, I'll do it more soft if that's what you want. Are you still

Yeah. All right. Here we go now.

Ready?

Action. What?

Where does it say what on the cards?

No, I thought you said something I didn't hear. You're the one who asked me

do it quietly.

What it really is, I need more makeup. I see I'm kind of sticky. There's not

enough makeup in the world for you.

No, I give him anything he wants. Oscar, baby, you have tight.

They're split.

Oh, no, no. I got to stay for my friend. Yeah, the friendly one.

Rolling take three.

Hi.

My name is Oscar Madison.

This big guy here behind the craving sheen is Deacon Jones.

I had a roll going. I was hot. That's a craving sheen.

What thing? You said crazy.

No, no,

come on. You ruined the roll for me. Hold it.

Hold it.

Oscar, baby, I'll take that part.

You pick it up where we left off. You just nod. Hey, that's a very good idea.

It's just the beginning. I'm not in trouble. Good thinking.

Good. Okay. Let's go. Give him the clappers. Come on.

Rolling take four.

And cut. I mean action.

All right.

This dude here is Oscar Madison. My name is Deacon Jones. Right, Oscar?

I'm shaving with the new long -handled multi -blade safety razor. Right, Oscar?

It's the long -handled razor with the long reach to move like a magic wand

the toughest beard.

How about that, Oscar?

I've shaved with all kinds of razors. And you know what razor really scores

me? Multi -blade.

Right. Right.

That is a thing!

That is a thing!

You can try to do it now. That was... I can do it now. You did it!

Did you? It was easier than I thought.

The

Felix's

first commercial. It wasn't bad, brother.

Brother. Did you hear that? He called me brother.

But in a larger sense, aren't all men brothers?

Isn't every man the brother to every other man?

No matter what your profession, no matter what your standing in the

You see why I don't talk?

Because if you talk, you've got to listen.

Bye -bye, brother.