Original subtitles

This is really something, isn't it?

Oscar Matheson up before Felix Dunger.

After hearing that silent sonata, it won't ever happen again.

Boy, we're testy this morning, aren't we? Maybe you should have some prunes.

What do you want for breakfast? You want some eggs?

You want cereal?

No. You want pancakes?

Maybe you should have some prunes.

You know, all the problems in the world can be solved with prunes.

Many can.

The world is falling around my shoulders. You offer me prunes. Here,

What is it? Looks like a crumpled teller. Came 6 .30 this morning. It's a

disaster. What?

What? Something I'm supposed to know. Something you're afraid to tell me.

What? It's my disaster, not yours.

Oh, thank goodness.

This isn't bad news. This is good news.

Your mother's coming in. I know. I read it. Her around the world tour is

stopping in New York for two days. I read it, Felix. I read it. What's so

disastrous about that?

I don't know what to do. I never told my mother I was divorced.

You've been divorced for three years and you never told your mommy?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was

asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple is filmed in front of a live audience.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, how could you be divorced and not tell your mother?

Why? Why? Why? Because that's why. Oh, that explains everything, doesn't it?

Because. Now you're going to have to tell her, aren't you? You don't have any

more choice.

I can't tell her. You know, my mother, she's a very special person.

She's very sensitive, especially about divorce. When I told her you and Gloria

were splitting up, she said, I'm sinking, I'm sinking.

She likes me, doesn't she? She likes anybody who's married. When she gets

she gets depressed, she starts eating candy.

In two days, she devoured 11 pounds of chocolate -covered cherries.

So I told her that you and Gloria got remarried.

You what?

Oh, how could you do such a thing? Well, it was either do that or have a 500

-pound mother with problem skin.

How could you lie to your mother?

Well, how did you tell your mother you were getting divorced?

How? She was informed every step of the way.

She was Gloria's chief advisor.

And witness.

As far as my mother's concerned, Blanche and I are like a rock that she can hold

on to. What am I going to tell her now? That she only owns a piece of the rock?

No, leave me alone. I called Blanche the minute I got the telegram.

You called Blanche at 6 .30 this morning? Three times. First two times

hang up, you pervert.

Anyway, she's coming home this afternoon.

Get off there.

How can you put Blanche through a stupid, silly charade like that?

She's not silly. She loves my mother. It's the only thing we agree on. Come

eat your food.

It's wrong, Oscar. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Oh, it's only for a couple of days.

If Blanche and I sleep in my room, your mother will sleep in your room.

Your mother's going to sleep in my room? Yeah.

Where am I going to sleep?

Your mother's going to see you and Blanche and me staying here. What's she

to think?

What?

No,

I won't.

No, why should I?

Oh, come on. This isn't fair.

This is not out of choice. It's for my mother. Now, we don't have much time for

that. No, no, no. You're discriminating against me. This is not a commune. We

have to extinguish all the facts that you live here, that you ever lived here.

Come on, let's go. But I've got a crock of pickles maturing in the icebox.

I'm sure they'll grow up very well without you. You're just going to

every sign that Felix Unger was ever near.

All right, you can leave being a prince.

But after Felix disappears, where does he appear?

Why don't you go to Gloria's? You're always complaining you don't spend

time with her and the kid.

Perfect excuse.

Yeah.

Yeah, that could be very good for me. Of course, I want to do what's good for

you. Never mind the My Buddy routine. Just call and go. I'm doing something

you. You've got to do something for me. What? Your mother's coming. Go clean

your room. Okay. First, eat your fruit.

So bad, huh?

You haven't cleaned this room yet.

Well, I'm almost done. Are you kidding?

I could use some help.

Try renting a pool door.

Well? I called Gloria.

And?

Well, she was not entirely unreasonable. She said I could stay two days. Hey,

that's perfect. Two days. That's all I need. Two days. What is that?

It leaks.

I'd like to stay with Gloria for a...

Two days isn't bad. You spend a lot of time with it, it might rekindle that old

flame, buddy.

Stay in my son's room.

Top bunk.

Only flame will be from his Bunsen burner.

You know my hanging fern in the bathroom? Yeah, we've met, we've met.

It has to be watered thrice a day without fail.

Now, I've already watered it once, so that leaves... Twice. Once from thrice

twice. Right.

Now make sure the water is room temperature. Nice water. Nice, twice,

that all?

No, it would help if you tried to relate to it.

How do I relate to a fern? That green?

Look, why don't you take her with you? Then you'll have all your little friends

around you. She doesn't like to be moved.

All right, I'll do it for you if you'll do something for me. Tell me how to

clean this room.

Well, you begin by making two piles.

Why? You have to separate and organize your dirt.

One pile is your edible garbage. The other pile is your inedible garbage.

In the biodegradable pile, you put your food. You put the tacos and the pizzas.

What about this? Is this edible?

For a coyote, it's edible.

Can I help you?

I'm not the one who needs help, pal.

You shouldn't be carrying heavy stuff like that. Look at this.

Blanche.

Blanche. You look marvelous, Blanche.

Terrific. You lie great. No, no. You look lovely.

So do you.

How do I look?

Have you tried crones?

I'll take care of them.

Hey, why'd you bring so much stuff, Blanche?

Because your mother remembers every piece of crystal she ever gave us. If

room doesn't look exactly the way it did when she left, if there's a cushion out

of place, she'll ask questions. Hey, you're right. We'd better unpack. Yes.

remember, I said there was a monument here. You got that? That's a little

It's over there.

Oscar. What?

Could you give me a hand? My Teamster card expired.

Oh, yeah. Hey, look. Look at this. What? Your wedding picture.

Oh, am I cute? Oh, you're beautiful.

Wait a minute. Holy mackerel. I forgot to return that tuxedo.

Okay, now, how do I look? Do I forget anything?

Fine. Your wedding ring. Don't forget your wedding ring.

Good heavens, relax, Oscar. She's your mother. She has to love you no matter

what. I found it.

Good. It's in the porn shop.

Don't you have any feelings of sentiment about that kind of thing? Well, I know

it's very hard to meet girls when you're wearing a wedding ring. I paid for that

wedding ring. That's right. This is yours.

Debbie and Eddie?

That was 14 years ago, Ma.

I still can't get over it.

Little Tammy, divorced.

Has anybody got me candy?

Oh, Mom, don't spoil your appetite. We're going to take you out for a

dinner. Oh, what a great idea, honey.

Thank you, sweetheart.

We're going to take you out for the best meal you ever had.

We'll use the coupon.

You still save coupons, Ma?

They came with the tour.

Whenever I... come to New York, I go into the finest restaurant free.

See? Dinner for two, $3 .99.

For a third person, $0 .49 extra.

The April and Paris Restaurant.

Where is that, Oscar?

Buffalo.

Hey, Mom, isn't this fun? Let's go get some funny hats.

Oscar's mom invades New York.

What's the

matter with you? What are you doing here? I told you to stay away. I hate

I called first. There was no answer, so I came over. There was nobody here, so I

came in. It was an emergency.

What emergency?

Fern singing?

No. Forgot my atom.

Stop on me being in my son's room. I'm a sensitive guy.

What happened?

You mug a Shriner?

It came with a poop on it. I got one, Mom got one, Blair's got one. Did you

me one?

No.

That time I went to the Smithsonian, didn't I get you a petrified spider?

Here, take mine.

This whole thing is so ridiculous. Why don't you tell your mother the truth?

Will you forget that, Felix? I'm not going to tell her.

Then let me tell her. Even when I was a little kid, I was always the one to

bring bad tidings. I'm good at it.

Felix, she's very happy. She's not overeating. All I want is you out of

but fast.

If it were your son getting a divorce, wouldn't you want to know? No, all I

to know is a happy mother. All I don't want to know is you.

All right.

I'll say hello to Mom, and I'll limp on home.

He didn't notice I was limping. I noticed, I noticed. Then why didn't you

something? Because I don't care.

Was that you singing? Yeah, yeah.

It was nice. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Well,

he has to go now. Bye -bye.

How did he get in? Well, he has a key. And I have a key to his place because

a murderer. We're friends.

Did you ever see two people so close?

people of every nationality, color, and religious persuasion.

But never have I ever seen such caring and caring as these two friends.

I've always loved the little guy.

Well, the little guy's got to go now.

Oh, oh, listen, tomorrow's my last night in town. Why don't you bring Gloria

over here and we'll have some dinner?

We'd love to, but we have another appointment.

Oh, son, why don't you make him come for me, please?

Felix, what could I ever say to make you come?

Ask me.

Come love to.

I can't open

my eyes.

I think it's because I tried to wipe my face on that fern.

I don't believe that man. Did you see what he did to that? I'm telling you, if

he blows this thing, I'm going to let him...

You

held up, Blanche.

Thanks.

Well, time to hit the old saccharine.

You still make it sound romantic.

What do you want to do? You want to flip a coin to see who gets in first?

No, go ahead.

Go ahead.

Oh,

I forgot this is your side.

I'm not sentimental, Oscar. Consider it a sublet.

Good night,

Blanche.

Good night, Oscar.

Aren't you going to turn the light out?

Oh, yeah.

That's a good idea, man.

You sure this is okay?

I won't tell if you don't tell.

I'll get up.

Oscar,

what are you doing? I'll sleep on the floor. I don't mind.

Don't be silly, Oscar. Get back in bed.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

I always got my best laugh from this room.

You know, I miss you sometimes, Blanche.

I miss you too, Oscar. It's probably in the same time.

Probably.

Well, good night, Blanche.

Good night, Oscar.

Don't try anything, Oscar.

Can you get it, Ma?

I climbed an elf. I can get a door.

Oh, Mrs. Meredith.

Oh, it's so good to see you. Still a beauty. Oh, thank you. Gloria, darling.

Oh, so beautiful.

Oh, I smell.

I smell meat. Loaf in my kick in that kitchen.

Oh No Yeah, pretty good Almost

there Have you put in the oregano yet? I never use the record now. You don't use

oregano How about basil and rosemary they're fighting how about letting my

mother do the cooking we'll go to the other room and we'll talk about Five

minutes before it's finished. You'll add a pinch of each. You'll come with me

Where are you two guys going? Into my room to talk.

I'll show you one.

Come over here.

I'll show you one. Come over here. Oscar, this room is...

I forbid you to go near that kitchen again. I was just trying to be helpful.

Oscar, your mother is a dear, sweet woman, but she's forgotten everything

ever knew about cooking.

She was using a cookie sheet for meatloaf.

You're going to be using your teeth for lima beans if you don't stop walking

around this house like you live here, which you don't know, which you never

will, if you lost this thing up tonight. Do you want my mother to start eating

chocolates again? No, no, no.

This thing isn't going to work. Why not?

I don't know if you've noticed, but Gloria and I aren't talking.

What happened now?

I think she's seeing another man.

I think it's your imagination.

No, no, no. I've got proof.

This morning I measured the seatbelts in her car.

The passenger side was abnormally loose.

Maybe she went shopping with Kate Smith.

When you get out there, you start speaking to her again because I'm going

keep my eye on you. And if you blow this thing tonight, I'm going to kill you

first.

Oh, German chocolate cake sprinkled with rum.

Excellent, excellent.

Coming from you, that's a compliment.

Bring me a beer, will you, Blaise? I only had German chocolate cake with rum

once before, and I loved it.

You never had German chocolate cake with rum?

Yes, I did, once before.

Now, with me, you didn't. Maybe with someone else.

Someone with a hearty appetite.

I feel as if it was with you. I had it at Marino's once. No, that was seven

-layer cake. This, you never had before. All right, thanks. We'll have it

together, okay?

And my former friend, Murray, the cop.

Oh, Murray.

I'm sorry. I'm so bad on faces.

Hey, this is Wendy something.

Gloria and Felix and you and Blanche. Wow.

He just came over to borrow some money, see?

He's on his way out. Here, here, here.

What's with the five dollars?

That's a bribe to keep your mouth shut.

I usually get ten.

Something's going on here.

My stomach never lies.

You're trying to hide something from me, Oscar.

Something's going on here that you don't want me to know about.

And I know what it is.

It's you two.

You're separated, aren't you?

Yeah, Ma, but they're working on it.

That's not the truth.

wish we were, because I still love this woman.

Although she may love others.

Others? What others?

What about that fasto you've been driving around?

What fasto? They're working at it, Ma.

I know, I know. Divorce is going on all around the world.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to it. You wonder?

I never heard you say you wonder about divorce.

I've gone through some heavy changes, son.

I think you should tell her, Oscar.

Yes, Oscar, tell her.

All right, Ma. Sit down. Now, look. Not only Gloria and Felix are having a

little trouble, you see.

Well, I don't know how to tell you. Along with Felix and along with Gloria,

Oscar. I... Stop.

Listen.

Mrs. Madison.

I have a friend.

Very dear friend. Very fine man.

In the course of life, he met a young lady and he married her.

She's a very fine person, very decent person.

She's no raving beauty.

But she tried to be a good wife.

Certainly she was never unfaithful to it.

But as will happen in the

course of human events, this sports writer, this girl,

Somehow, fate just seemed to smash all the dreams, all the beauty, all...

Oh, go ahead, Oscar.

Tell her.

Mom, Blanche and I are divorced.

No, Mom.

Can I have any chocolate until I tell you the whole thing? See, we've had

problems, Blanche and I, but we tried to work them out. We really did.

It's not that we don't care for each other. We do. We're concerned with each

other's health and welfare.

Well, maybe that's not love, but we do like each other a lot.

I think we have more respect for each other now than we did when we were

married.

Now, want some chocolate?

Go ahead, be my guest.

I'll tell you what I'll do after.

I'll give up the candy.

If you won't try to make me, stop hoping that the four of you will try to get

together again.

Oh, Ma, I mean, we can't promise that. All right, we'll try.

Good, I'll make some fresh coffee.

We should try.

Why aren't we together?

There is no reason. Tell me a reason. I know of none, except for your tubby

friend.

I believe you all, but Dad's way.

Coming, Gloria? Coming, Blanche.

Gloria, I hope you'll drop me a line from time to time as the spirit moves

I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open.

Felix, I'm going to see you tomorrow when you pick up the kids.

Goodbye, Gloria.

And Felix, there is no fatso.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Blanche.

Goodbye, dear.

Oscar, thanks for not getting up. I wouldn't want you to spoil your image.

That's another good one, Platt.

My kids need to work.

You're out of practice.