Original subtitles

Good morning, Felix. Refill.

What's Oscar Joyce sleeping on the couch?

He was up all night working on a book.

What's he reading?

He's writing a book.

A whole book?

Yeah.

Mark my words, Murray.

There is greatness in that man.

You really think so, Felix?

If I didn't think so, would I have let him have the apartment to himself all

last night?

Why? So he can write.

I honk in my sleep, you see.

So I spent the whole night in the taxi cab riding around town.

What's Oscar's book about?

Sports, of course.

It examines the question of the killer instinct in champions.

Why does one man, with all the natural ability in the world, why is he a mild,

passive man?

While another man, with only the same ability, has that...

savage desire to smash, to kill, to fight, to destroy.

What makes that killer instinct?

I was born with it.

I don't mind telling you he's being very well paid for his endeavors.

They gave him an advance of $1 ,000.

like a light.

Sleeping like a log. Really sawing wood.

With his shoes on.

Look, he's hugging his potato chips.

That's not security, Blake.

I wonder how much it worth. Should I take a peek? No, no, no. I promised him

wouldn't look. You didn't look. Are you okay?

It's not nice. Relax. I'm a policeman. We're trained to peek.

Knockout by Oscar Madison.

Go ahead.

That's it. That's all. Where's the rest?

There's no rest.

Knockout by Oscar Madison?

On

November

13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

This is all you wrote?

What's Murray doing in my bedroom? Was I mugged?

This is all you wrote?

I gotta run.

This is all you wrote?

I like your book so far, Oscar.

This is all you wrote?

Not allowed. I was up late.

Up late. This is all you wrote? A title?

Title is very important.

Would you go see a play called Romeo and Gladys?

I tried, Felix, I tried. Look at that, 212 pages. That's all I wrote. You

couldn't show me in the basket?

No, I don't want to talk about it anymore. We won't talk about it anymore.

What about your book? It's due today.

You cut it out?

Oh, who's upset about it as you are?

I just don't have a book in me, that's all.

I had such faith.

That of my mother.

All my hopes, all my expectations, all my sacrifices.

What sacrifices?

I spent the entire night in a taxi cab with a driver named Nunzio Abruzzi

telling me about how Vic Damone sang at his daughter's wedding.

Thanks, but I don't want to talk about it.

That's his orange juice beer. I don't have to worry about pitch.

See, if I make you feel any better, I am ashamed.

Just don't have it in me, that's all.

Maybe they didn't give you enough time.

Who could write a book in the short amount of time they give you? Felix, I

couldn't write the book if they gave me from here to eternity.

Maybe if they gave you an extension on your deadline.

No, what I need is 50 ,000 words.

Preferably extensions.

No, no sugar.

Of all the words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these.

It might have been.

Is there anything left to say?

Yeah. Could you lend me a thousand dollars?

You already owe me over $1 ,300, not mentioning the cab fare last night and

Nuncio's tip.

What do you need it for?

Well, you know the $1 ,000 advance that Harriet Thompson gave me for the books?

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, you didn't? What did you spend it on?

Poker? Girls?

Potato chips?

Try slow horses.

Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. Oh, stop with the Oscar. If you're not going to lend

the money, I've got to go visit Benny.

Benny the loan shark?

Yeah. Charges 184 % interest. Only to his friends.

Felix, I took the money. I can't write the book. I've got to pay it back.

I don't like to see my friends fail.

Peter, everybody fails.

Caesar failed. Napoleon failed. Alexander the Great failed.

They weren't my friends.

Hello,

Mr. Thompson.

This is Dr.

Abruzzi from the Institute.

Yeah. Well, I understand that my patient, Oscar Madison, is to deliver a

manuscript to you today. Is that correct? Yes or no?

Yeah.

Three days would be sufficient.

Wunderbar. I thank you. Mr. Madison thanks you.

Also the Institute thanks you.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Oscar!

Oscar!

You're on my bed, Felix.

Listen, you don't have to go see Benny the loan shark. You gonna lend me the

money? No.

I called your editor and I got an extension on your deadline.

I used the Viennese accent.

I told him you were sick.

You lied to my editor in Viennese? Yeah, I said it was a terrible overwork on

you.

You're gonna thank me? Thank you for what?

Pain?

Penis, why don't you listen? I can't write it.

That's not the Oscar Madison I know.

My Oscar Madison doesn't know the meaning of the word can't.

What are you talking about?

Can't is my favorite word. I use it all the time. I can't write the book. I

can't pay back the money. I can't win on the horses. When I die on my tombstone,

it's going to say, here lies Oscar Madison.

Couldn't.

Come here. Look at yourself in the mirror.

If you can find the mirror.

Look.

Now look at that man and tell him that he's not a quitter.

Won't help. He knows I'm a liar.

Keep looking.

The mirror's a liar, too.

You dream.

I've never seen you like this.

So low.

Defeated. Weren't you at my wedding?

I thought you loved writing.

Felix, no writer loves writing.

Darlene Parker said it best for all writers. She said, I hate writing, but

having written. I haven't written.

But look, you've got three more days, Oscar.

Gratis. What have you got to lose?

And you've got something you never had before. What's that?

Me.

I'll be by your side.

I'll work with you. I'll nurse you. I'll baby you. I'll light your cigars. I'll

change your typewriter ribbons. If you fail, I fail.

What do you think? Here are your potato chips. Go to work.

This is a lot of hard work. What's in it for you?

Nothing.

All I want is the satisfaction of having helped a human being.

Okay, if you feel that way, I'll try it. I knew you would. I will. And if you

feel like it, you can dedicate the book to me. Oh, come on.

trying to think about things like this. Of course, I wouldn't want you to spend

a second thinking about that. That's why I wrote a little something here.

It's simple. I think you'll like it.

To my pal Felix Unger, without whose constant encouragement and unrelenting

sacrifice this work would not have been possible.

There's more.

Listen.

Felix Unger, a bon vivant, whose brilliant wit was a constant source of

inspiration during the long hours of indecisiveness and uncertainty, and who

made this book a reality.

Felix Unger, a pal whose very being embodies the meaning of the word pal,

buddy, friend, helper. Felix, the dedication isn't supposed to be longer

the book.

Let's get to work.

Your whispering is an interruption.

I'm sorry.

Phone ringing all the time. What are you talking... I picked the phone out of

the wall over an hour ago.

It must be the dripping.

What dripping? My sinuses?

No, the faucet.

In the kitchen. Drip, drip, drippity, grabbing me nuts. There is no faucet

dripping in my kitchen. And somebody in this apartment house has a dripping

faucet. Oscar, this house has sand -proof walls.

Felix, somebody down in the city of New York has a dripping faucet because I can

hear it. This is madness.

This is madness. That's madness. Unless you walk around, your shoes squeak.

And your feet squeak.

Felix, listen. When I work, the smallest noise just irritates me. You won't

believe it. If a guy dropped a pin ten miles from here, I would hear it. I

help it. When I'm working, my hearing is acute. It's like radar.

What are you laughing about? I heard the door. Go answer it. I'm not going to

let anybody in. Now get back to work.

I'm sorry.

Oscar's hard at work. He's working on the book and it's really coming along.

He's really rolling this time. Who are you talking to?

Oh, hi, Murray.

If you want a secluded place to work, he's got a cabin up in the woods.

Just what I need, a cabin surrounded by a hundred other cabins. No, nothing for

ten miles around.

He says there's nothing for ten miles around. It was used as a hideout by John

Dillinger. No, I don't do this. Oh, that could be great. A change of atmosphere,

quiet, the perfect place to work on. No, but Dillinger, it sounds dangerous.

He says there's no danger. He thinks the police arrested Dillinger.

This could be just perfect for you.

Think it over. A change of atmosphere, the quiet, no phones, no traffic. I'm

doing so badly.

Wait,

Murray.

I'm sorry. After the place is a mess. It's all great. I appreciate all your

trouble. Get back in the car. Go to the city. I'll see you soon. All right,

don't forget. I'll be here in three days to pick you up. Now, listen.

There's the bike. If you need supplies from the store, take the path seven

down, okay? All right, bye. Bye -bye, Murray.

Hey, look.

Blue tires.

Aren't you going for the tissue on the seat?

In school, they used to call me Wheel Thunder.

Yeah, wheel your stuff out of here. I was really good.

Once you know how to ride a bike, it's something you never forget.

I went right off the porch, but I didn't hurt myself.

You're really got to work now, aren't you? Oh, I can see that gleam in your

You've got to go. Get up, Felix. I'm on my way. I'll tell you what.

I'll get some firewood.

We'll build a great roaring fire. We'll roast marshmallows. I'm going to roast

your toes. I'm on my way.

It's so beautiful here.

This is the forest primeval.

The murmuring pines and the hemlock.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Where's the first aid kit?

Listen, I was just outside.

I was just enjoying nature. That's all I was doing. I saw this pretty little

chipmunk. He was just a baby. I said, come here, little chipmunk.

That's the way you talk to him? Yeah.

And I offered him an acorn, and he bit me.

I would have bitten you, too. What's that? Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What

are you doing?

What are you doing?

You made the beds you unpacked? What is this? No, you were right. The place was

filthy. So is your room at home. You don't clean that.

Yeah, but I don't share my room with anybody. I want to do my first share.

Oscar, what are you doing? You're just avoiding right... This is all you've

in two hours? What is the killer instinct?

I'm looking for the answer.

Now, time for...

You're procrastinating. Yeah, you're right. You pick your thing. I'm going to

work. I really am going to get it this time.

What's the whistle? How can I work if you're going to whistle?

Come here and help me.

You want me to scrub up with you? No, listen.

I want to talk to you seriously.

I've been thinking about your problem.

Yeah? Do you know what you have?

What? You have what they call writer's block.

No. No kidding.

Yeah. All the greatest writers of history have had writer's block.

Yeah, cut right there. No kidding.

But they've all had a trick, a way to break the block.

George Sand used to sing polkas. Did you know that? No, I didn't know that.

Guy de Maupassant fantasied about beautiful girls.

In what way?

In every possible way.

It freed his imagination.

F. Scott Fitzgerald tapped at it.

Did any of these guys eat to break their writing block?

All right. I'm starved. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. Watch me. I'm leaving.

I'm going to take the bike. I'm going to the store. I'm going to get supplies.

It'll take me all afternoon. Now, you have no more experience. 30 pages. Get

work. 30 pages. Believe me, 30 pages. Roll

out the barrel.

We'll have a barrel of fun.

Roll out the barrel. And I got a barrel of nothing in mine.

I'll never get any work done this way.

account. You look like you're in bad shape. My condition doesn't count,

The book is the only thing.

Oh, Oscar, I'm a broken man. Oh, lie down, lie down. I'll go down to the

and I'll get some help. There's no one at the store. I was just there. The

is closed.

Closed? Since when?

Since they captured Dillinger. He was their only customer.

Tell me what happened, will you?

I swerved to miss a rabbit and I hit a tree.

because of a rabbit? It could have been an endangered species.

A rabbit, an endangered species?

Don't argue with me at a time like this. Sorry, sorry.

That's not the worst of it.

Look at this thumb.

While I lay there against the tree, the rabbit came up to me, so I reached out

to pet him and he snapped at me.

Into the chipmunk told him you were delicious.

Oh, again with the brave whistling. I'm hungry, Felix. Get back to your

typewriter. I'll fix this in no time.

I've got hunger toughness in me. I'm going to fix you a dinner. Good. Here.

do you got? I thought the store was closed.

Oh, I've got a pocket full of acorns.

And the woods. The woods are full of nuts and berries.

What's nuts and berries? I can't live on that. I need meat. Are you kidding?

The local Indians subsisted on nuts and berries.

That's why we haven't seen any local Indians.

You chipmunk and you rabbit could have meat so cut off. What is that nuts and

berries?

That's a boom, boom, boom for beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Where'd you find that?

I found it there earlier while I was procrastinating.

Oscar, we're not hunters.

Speak for yourself, John. I need meat. No, no, I can't let you do this. Hunting

is wrong.

So is eating shrubbery.

Let go.

Oscar, no.

I can't allow this. Oscar, please.

Now I got a splinter from the wall.

idly by while you slaughter defenseless animals, Oscar. Get out of here. They're

all going to want ice cream.

of a ruthless killer.

Coming back.

I'm not a killer.

Well, I'm proud of you.

I'm a coward.

No, you're not. You're the bravest of the brave.

I'm so brave, how come there aren't a lot of dead geese around?

Because it takes much more courage not to kill than to kill.

Yeah?

Compassion is the most difficult thing for the human heart to learn. Killing is

easy.

Felix, that's it. Of course that's it. No, I mean about the novel. That's why I

haven't been able to write it.

I've been trying to write it from the killer's point of view, but I don't have

the killer's instinct.

But if I do it from the other side, nobody's ever done that before. It's

been that small. I can write it now.

Oh, great.

Oh, great.

Well, hello, little frog.

Hey, I'll show him before it comes out in paper bags. Thanks a lot.

Well, I think we got everything.

Yeah. Where's Felix?

Saying goodbye to his furry feathered friends.

Oh, I'll bet he really had a ball up here. Hey, not really.

Why? What's the matter? Well, he found out it's not nice to fool with Mother

Nature.

Hey, I'll take the bags. Hey, Mary, I saw your car.

I've taken the bags to the car.

Oh, I finished it. Boy, am I proud of you. I can't tell you how much I

appreciate all the things you did.

dedication? Of course I did. I got it right here.

This book is dedicated to one of nature's noblest men, who helped me when

I needed him most, my friend Murray the cop.

Dedicated the book to Murray?

Oh, Oscar,

how could you do a thing like that? Oh, I was only kidding.

This book is humbly dedicated to my dearest friend, Felix Unger, who had

faith in me than I had in myself.

You know, I think you might have added one more thing.

The man who taught me not only faith, but courage.

A man who went savagely attacked in an unprovoked and ungrateful way by a wild

animal. A wild animal? Never complained.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a lot