Original subtitles

Here, Myrna. Take me down to the paper right away, will you? I've got to rest a

little bit. I've got to cover the hockey game. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy?

Is that, uh, also hurting, oh, boy?

Feels like I swallowed the Middle East.

Are you going to have dinner, or is that it?

Felix will be home soon. He'll fix me something. Go, will you? Bring it down.

You know, Milk Boomer down at the paper? He died last week.

I didn't know. Will you go already, Myrna?

He was the obituary columnist. My, now, they're waiting.

Keeled over in the middle of writing up somebody else's death.

They're waiting already.

A complete stranger had to write up his obituary. You're going to go?

I'm going.

You really ought to slow down, Mr. M.

I'd hate for anything to happen to you.

Nobody else would hire me.

Oh, hi, Miss Donger.

You look terrible.

Bye, Miss Donger.

Listen, I got to cover a game. Make supper right away, will you?

Awesome.

I can't move.

Every bone in my body aches.

Even my earlobes ache.

I know how you feel.

Oh, nobody knows.

Eleven hours today, I photographed little children eating breakfast food.

One tiny tyke.

Drooled on my ankles.

A heavyset kid rammed his tow truck into my shin.

And an angel -faced little girl made sissy in my camera bag.

Success has a hollow ring.

My stomach has a hollow ring. Will you make supper already? Oh, Oscar, I can't

even think about supper.

Get that, will you? Sure.

Come in!

miracle to get me off this couch.

Hello, my sons.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

I'm Brother Ralph.

I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Life mission. I gave it the office.

Just take a moment. Once a year, the Brotherhood of Life goes around

for our mission in upstate New York.

Looks like a nice, clean mission.

Looks like the Alamo.

We're a non -sectarian group devoted to the simpler things in life. I'll tell

you what I'll do.

I'll donate $10 if you'll make me a simple hamburger.

This is a man of his word.

I'll make supper. I'd be glad to make you something. You're both exhausted

your quests in the world out there. It's the least I can do.

You would make him a hamburger?

For a $10 donation, I'd make him chicken cacciatore.

I'll tell you what it's like.

Mustard, ketchup, tabasco sauce, and some chili. No onions.

No, I got enough.

Oh, did you ever in your life see anyone with an ulcer eat like that?

Yeah. Me.

Work. Your stomach is worth more than that. Oscar, you hear?

Slow down.

Felix, the man is a monk. What does he know about deadlines and taxes and

alimony? Here's my donation.

Thank you. If you ever want to go into society again, you get a job as a short

order cook. You'd be very good.

It was a little too much Tabasco sauce.

I had a regular job.

I was head of the Decker advertising agency. I had 1 ,100 men under me.

You're Ralph Decker.

I did an ad for you once, remember?

The talking bra?

Yes, yes.

Gave it all up.

One day, I looked out my office window and I saw a bluebird.

All I wanted to do in the world was look at that bluebird.

I had a headache.

My eye twitched. I smoked five packs of cigarettes a day. Every light on my

phone was lit. I answered the one, two, three.

And when I was done, the blue bird had vanished.

That day I packed up for the Brotherhood of Life for a month's retreat.

That was ten years ago.

You just quit. Said goodbye to the talking bra.

Well, I have some more stops to make.

Here, a little something from the Felix Unger Studios.

Portraits of specialty. Oh, bless you, bless you.

And remember our brochure. You may like to come up and spend some time with us.

I still can't get over that you came in here and cooked our dinner. Well, the

Lord travels in mysterious ways.

Why not through hamburger?

Be well.

I can't keep my eye on you. Did you see my blue tie, Jimmy?

Blue tie?

Where were you working last? Desk.

That's where it's got to be, at the desk.

You're right. I used it to clean my typewriter.

It's for you.

Hello.

Yeah. Yes, yes, Mr. Topskin.

Yes. Oh, yeah, we put in a good day's work today.

Yes, I love working with the little people.

Sure, yeah.

Well, I'll have the proofs on your desk by noon tomorrow.

Eight in the morning?

Well, that's... that's outrageous.

What, I have to work on... Well, of course I want the job.

Yes, you'll have them by 8 in the morning.

Goodbye.

Oscar, can you imagine?

Oscar. Hey.

Hey. Now they want this job finished by 8 in the morning. Can you imagine that?

Because I'll have to work all night. Take a pet pill. That's all I can do.

Interview the goalie.

I'll take a sleeping pill.

No, I'll interview the goalie first. 8 o 'clock will be 10 o 'clock. That means

I won't get any lunch. I'll take a diet pill. What else can I do?

Hey, hey, hey.

Stop. What's the matter?

Look at us. We're running around like lunatics. We're losing our bluebirds.

Out of my way, Pete. I'm late. Oscar, I've made a decision.

Tonight, you can find me at Brother Ralph's, seeking contentment. Tonight,

can find me at Rhoda Zimmerman's, seeking contentment.

And now, gentlemen, for the next step in our orientation, Brother Lou will call

your name and distribute your robes. Once in your robe, you'll be referred to

Brother.

Tucker H.

Yes, I come here once a year to get away from my factory.

What do you make?

Megaphone.

My company is the largest manufacturer of megaphones in the whole country.

You know the majority of your sis -boom -bas and your rah -rah -rahs are shouted

through Millman megaphones?

How do you do? How do you do?

Unger, Felix?

My name is now Brother Lowell. Brother Lowell?

What business are you in?

I'm in shoes.

Manufacturing? No, shining.

I have a shoeshine stand in Youngstown.

Really?

Yes, some of us still do it.

Unger F. Excuse me.

I'm Unger F.

You?

Do you mind if I...

Ask you a question.

What is it, Ungereth?

What do we wear underneath these?

It doesn't matter.

Nobody peeps.

Writing a postcard.

I had the most wonderful day today, Brother Ralph.

I stared at my hand for two hours.

I had forgotten the beauty of my hand.

Very good.

Well, if you want anything at all, just abstain.

Remember, your inner self is you.

How true.

How true.

Hmm.

Actually, my foot is just as interesting as my hand.

This little piggy went to market.

happened? What changed you? What brought you here? Did you see a vision? No, I

saw the x -ray of my ulcers.

The doctor said either I take a short rest now or I take a long rest

permanently. Oh, boy.

Not a very spiritual reason, is it? But you're going to have the most marvelous

experience here. Oscar, do you know what I did today?

I stared at my hand all day long.

The hand is an amazing instrument, Oscar.

Each finger can move individually, or they can move in unison, or in any

combination.

Look, the thumb can move with the pinky.

Or the forefinger with the thumb. Or with the pinky. Or in any combination.

You better cut it out. You won't be able to use any fingers.

Mock, if you will, Oscar. But you'll find out that contemplating your hand

be very rewarding.

Only if it's holding a can of beer.

Will you stop that?

It's time to go to bed.

It's eight o 'clock.

Eight o 'clock already?

Gee, I'll have to take a nap tomorrow morning.

Isn't there anything to read?

No.

Felix, I can't go to sleep without reading. No magazines in the Brother

Good night, my fellow man. I, too, am used to reading before I go to sleep.

here, we meditate.

You don't understand.

Felix, I can't go to sleep unless I read.

Bring my toothpaste tube.

Oscar? Yeah?

Can I read it when you're finished?

As a special part of our midweek dinner, we ask each brother to share some

moment of his meditation with all of us. Brother Samuel, will you... begin.

I stared at a flower today.

I stared at a flower today.

I don't think I've ever really looked at a flower before, but it was so

beautiful.

I talked to the flower and all its petals blew off.

They're horrid.

Well, I didn't meditate, per se. I worked in the carpentry shop.

I'm in the military.

And I've made decisions that have changed history and won battles, per se.

But I have never known the sense of accomplishment that I felt today

when I requisitioned some pieces of wood and made one small

house burn.

Oscar, look. Look, see the little door? And inside there's a place for one. I

don't want to see it. Oh, but the man works so hard at it. Oh, come on. What's

look at a GI birdhouse?

Brother Felix, would you share your revelations with us?

Gladly.

Today, I watched an anthill for five hours.

Can I look at the birdhouse?

As I watched the ant, I saw that one little ant was having trouble carrying

his load.

The other ants carried theirs with ease, scurrying to and fro.

But this one little fellow couldn't handle his.

I was rooting for him.

I always root for the under ant.

Well, he tugged and he pulled.

and he pushed, but he just couldn't do it.

And finally, he shrugged his shoulders and gave up.

But the other ants did not abandon their little friend.

They rushed to his side and carried his crumb.

I thought that I, too, should help my fellow man carry his load.

Amen.

Hear, hear, brother.

Brother Lowell? Well, I just laid all day on my cot with eyes closed.

And he's the social director.

Brother Oscar?

Oh, I don't have anything to say, sir.

Don't be embarrassed. Surely there must be something that's been on your mind

these past few days.

Boy, do I miss Rhoda Zimmerman.

Well, it's a start.

And now I see by the old shadow on the floor that it's time for

unsupervised communication.

Another interesting thing about the...

Brothers, let me tell you my most inner thoughts. I am bored.

And I am going to take these sugar cubes and I am going to make them into dice.

Anybody who wants a spiritual uplift, it will be floating in my rooms. It's

blasphemy. Blasphemy. What are you talking about? The Lord giveth and the

taketh. We're just going to find out how much it is.

I'm glad to see that all of you have enough sense not to follow that pagan.

Forget my aunt.

I'd like to tell you my impressions of some clouds I saw today.

Clouds that looked like flowers.

Clouds that looked like animals.

And one cloud that looked like a chicken salad sandwich.

Though I know it sounds cliched, I actually saw the oft -mentioned cloud

with the silver lining.

We don't have any money. I'll write it on the parchment. We'll play for I .O.

vows, okay?

You are the world's worst monk.

What are you talking about? We're just trying to have some fun. Fun, yes, fun,

all right, but not like this.

All right, if you have to have some excitement, I'll tell you the big

What?

Brother Lou accidentally let it slip today. What? It's a biggie. When is it?

Tomorrow.

We all get to take a ride on the donkey.

Why don't you go back to looking at your hands, see? See if you can get your

fingers to move in unison. See, have them close and make a fist. Then punch

yourself in the mouth.

Brother Oscar, examine your psyche.

Oh, go examine an anthill or something. Come on. All right, let it roll!

Fine, the loudness born in mind. All right, come on, baby!

Brother needs a new pair of sandals.

Brother Oscar, eat the dice, eat the dice.

I can't, I'm diabetic.

What have we here? Mass meditation?

I had to report you, brothers, for your own good.

I'm sorry. It was my fault. I started the game. I was going crazy. Would you

please all go to your cells?

Brother Oscar, this is your cell.

We have to have certain rules here so that all can experience what they came

for. Part of our goal here is to create an atmosphere where each man can

meditate undisturbed by another man.

I know, I'm sorry. I guess I just don't fit in here. Look, I'll pack and I'll

leave. I think you'd benefit more by serving penance.

Each brother took a vow to stay a week. I'd hate to see you break that vow.

I think penance would do you a world of good, Brother Austin.

You're not a vow -breaker.

Okay, I'll serve penance.

Naturally, you'll serve a penance, too, Brother Austin. Me? Well, I... I know

you weren't indulging in the game, but here we also frown on men turning in

their fellow man. It's an unwritten commandment.

Thou shalt not think.

Brother Lou is our penance director.

Brother Lou?

They will get up at 4 a .m. tomorrow and bake the bread.

They will be silent for 24 hours.

Three marks on the slate for speaking, and you fail.

stiff pennant. Yeah, but you'll fail. You can't keep your big mouth shut for

hours speaking on your fellow man.

All right, I sinned once, but I think I can keep silent better than a weak

-willed, fun -crazed person I know. Oh, yeah, I'm going to get even with you.

I'm going to make you speak.

Oh, is that your challenge, Brother Madison, Monk of the Messy? Yes,

I'm the state of the stool pigeons.

Brother Lou will be in listening distance at all times.

Remember, three marks, and that's it.

Your silence begins now.

Good night.

Good night.

All right. The

gambler here and the fink there.

And remember, no talking.

our things and leave, Brother Ralph. We're deeply ashamed.

Why are you leaving?

Well, isn't that the punishment for failure?

No, there is no punishment.

You failed at a task and were forgiven.

Possibly when you go back out there, your employees or friends or loved ones

fail at something and you won't be so hard on them.

People do fail, you know.

Well, if the bread's ready, why don't you wash up? We'll have breakfast.

Oscar, what a beautiful lesson we learned. What?

We learned the lesson of forgiveness.

And the big man up there looking down sees a new Felix and a new Oscar. Come

now don't turn into a religious fanatic. The big man up there doesn't even know

Oscar and Felix.

Brother Oscar, now remember, he's had no fun. He's been very depressed.

Nobody but he just read. He failed no talk. He's been reading everybody's two

-faced. So let's show him that we're fun guys.

We'll give him a good... Hi, brothers.

What's going on here?

Brother!

reflection yes that is our game if you're feeling beat come to our retreat

you'll surely meet someone who feels the same there's no ignore your former

pessimist undemanding understanding yes that's all there is if you want to live

then you've got to give your fellow man a helping hand and he will probably

offer his wait but

don't