Original subtitles

What's the matter? Am I disturbing you?

Would you kindly put the paper away? You can go about the horses on your own

time.

What's holding Mr. Cassell up?

Under, Howard Cassell is a very busy man. My agency was willing to do this

commercial at his convenience.

Now, he'll be ready when he'll be ready. Do you mind?

That's a fine way to do a commercial. Suppose I said, I'll be ready when I'll

ready. We'd fire you.

You're not Howard Cassell.

I just thought autocracy was supposed to be a...

Photographer is mean. Now look, Unger.

Howard's a star.

But he's also a very intelligent man with a great sense of humor.

So please, handle him carefully.

You know who you're talking to?

Felix Unger.

Photographer to the stars.

I know how to handle the biggies.

Hey, Felix. Hey, we're going pretty good. What are you doing here? Do me a

favor. Lend me $50. We've got a hot tip on a horse running a bell mountain.

Here's $50, Oscar. Get out of here. Here's $50, Oscar. Get out of here? What

happened to 20 minutes and what did you do with the money last week? What about

the ant in the grass? You've got eyes, yes?

You can see I'm busy?

Please go.

You got anything small? I got a cab waiting downstairs.

You took a cab to come here to borrow money?

Where am I missing? Goodbye, Oscar.

All right, the big man is ready. Let's get started.

Oscar Madison.

What a terrible surprise.

What are you doing here, Casale?

Making money. What are you doing?

Panhandling the better neighborhoods?

That's very funny, just like your clothes. I like that.

Still jealous of the great ones, eh? Great ones?

How much talent does it take to sit behind a microphone, feed straight lines

Don Meredith?

Look who's talking, the poster boy for the famous writing school.

What do you know about writing? Writing takes skill.

And don't you wish you had some? What?

You fellas know each other?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Did he ever tell you how we met?

The press box was right next to the broadcast booth. One day I went over to

an empty cooking box in the garbage bin. Turned out to be his desk.

I remember when you got those cookies, you mugged a girl's scalp.

Is he bothering you, Mr. Cosell?

Never when I'm making money. You remember money, Madison. You borrow a

it. Hunger. Let's get this show on the road. Right. Now, Mr. Cosell.

You're on the beach. It's a hot summer day. You're surrounded by two beautiful

girls.

But you're wearing a collar and tie because you're cool.

You're cool because you're drinking spring cola, the cool drink.

You better give him a straw. He'll swallow the whole can.

Quiet in the studio, please.

Girls, now you'll smile up at Mr. Cosell. Yeah, like as if he was human.

Don't be jealous of me, Matt.

Then after all, someday somebody will ask you to endorse something like

illiteracy. Are you kidding? The only reason you got this job was because

Meredith and Gibbett wouldn't wear that stupid hat.

Hunter, now he is bothering me. Get this, either he leaves or I leave.

Leave!

I was willing to go at first, but I'm not going to let him bully me. Get out

here. No, listen, I'm staying. What do you think of that?

That's all right with me, Madison, because I'm leaving. I don't need this

push leaguer with 23 hikes.

You're nothing without

Don Meredith. You're right again.

You don't even know his name. His name is Dandy Don. Dandy Don, yeah, the kind

of humor girls. The guy's name is Don Meredith. He says, Dandy Don, he cheated

on you.

All right, so he started it. He provoked you. He instigated you.

Couldn't you walk away?

Couldn't you turn the other cheek?

But you, you kept after it and said you ruined me.

Oscar, my career is just getting ready to zoom.

Did you know that in high school, I was voted the most likely to succeed?

Even the judge said that my divorce was the best one he ever presided over.

It's totally reconcilable. I double R -E -C -O -N -C -I -L -A -B -L -E. Thank

you. You're welcome.

Oscar, I'm yelling at you.

Now, I demand that you go back to Mr. Cosell and apologize.

I mean it, Oscar.

Don't wash your hands. That's a good word.

Okay, come on. What do you say? No more sitting around, huh?

Come on. No more nonsense. What do you say? Can I go back and apologize to Mr.

Cosell? Will you relax, Felix? It's just what I've done.

Read it.

What? Read it.

An open apology to Howard Cosell.

Dear Howard. Oh.

I admit writing in the past columns that fans have called you, among other

things, a babbling baboon, gentleman jerk, the mouth that roars, kid nausea,

etc., etc.

I must apologize.

That's not true, Howie. That's not what the fans called you. That's what

you're...

That's what your friends call you. What the fast thing if you cannot be printed

in the... What? What are you doing?

This is insane. Now, what do you call this? I call this Tuesday's column. I'm

going to burn that big mouth's ears. I'm going to show you Tuesday's column.

There's Tuesday's column. I got a carbon copy.

Felix, you're my best friend. I don't want to hurt you.

You're making a mess.

to you, but he tries to humiliate me every chance he gets. It's a personal

thing. Oh, sure. My life just comes under the heading of miscellaneous.

I'll try to make it up to you some other way.

Come in.

Hi, Mr.

Unger. You look relaxed.

Is the coffee ready? Here's the coffee. Give me that. Now, stop. I hate to

threaten you, but this hand is registered to the police station. Oh,

All right.

Two of these columns. Go on, give me that. Come on. You know, it's just the

you two play.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Unger. You seem happy.

Stupid. I wouldn't take it so hard. Of course you wouldn't. It's not your

career. It's my career.

What are you talking about?

Oh, never mind.

Never mind.

I'll find work.

Maybe I'll rent a pony and take pictures of kids in the park.

photograph accidents.

If I'm lucky, I'll be in one.

Oh, get your jacket. I'll take you out to dinner. It'll cheer you up. Come on.

already cooked dinner.

You did?

Your favorite.

Lasagna and French fries?

Look in the icebox.

Oh, Felix.

You made my favorite dessert in the whole world, Boston cream pie.

Did you ever know Monday when I didn't bake?

Delicious. Also, your shirts are ready.

All right, I'll apologize. You will? Yeah. And you'll apologize nice?

Yeah, I'll be nice. Don't eat with your fingers.

Did you do it?

How did you get in the press box?

I said I was a friend of yours.

You shouldn't lie, Caleb.

Did you do it? I mean, it's good to see you in the middle of a game. Aw, didn't

you apologize, yeah?

I told you I'd do it. I'll do it later.

Come on, come on. What block?

Who blocked? Madison, why don't you bring a radio to the game? Will you get

of here? There's a timeout on the field. Now is the time to apologize. Come on.

Better do it or I'll miss the whole second half.

A truly remarkable play. He scrambled, spotted the receiver at the final

possible instant, hit him with the touchdown pass, and so the Giants lead

Eagles 6 -0, but it's still early in the game.

Let's cut to our studios for this message.

Cut!

Nice to see you again, Mr. Cassell.

Frickin' frack. I didn't know we were having a clown show at halftime. Look,

Cassell, Oscar has something he wants to say to you. Well, why don't we do a

little... No, come on, come on. No, no, it's fine.

Well, listen, Howie, you know, this morning... Well, uh, see, the

Well, you still speak beautifully.

I want to apologize about my behavior this morning, okay? All right? You

apologized? You're making progress, Madison.

At least you've accepted the fact that you are a buffoon. All right, I give him

nice, he gives me buffoon. Now, now, now, both of you men are acting like

children. Now, come on.

Oscar apologized, Mr. Griselle. Why don't you two great guys shake hands?

on, come on.

There we are. Now, don't you both...

all friends again, Mr. Costello. I hope you'll come back to my studio and finish

the spring cola ad.

Why not? If you can make Madison humble, you've earned a second chance. Didn't I

tell you he was a terrific guy?

Thanks, Mohammed.

The Eagles are lining up to receive the Giants' kickoff. We'll pause now for

station identification.

I hope your cold gets better real soon.

What cold? I don't have a cold.

Ah, the old sinus trouble, huh?

the inside of your sinuses. You'd be a fool.

Once, my voice was a nasal twang just like yours. That nasal twang is the

most identifiable voice in all broadcasts. Right.

And tomorrow, when you come to my studio, you'll use my inhalator.

I'm not coming, so start inhaling without.

You're not coming?

Mohammed, get this inane drone out of the booth.

I'm on my way.

Thank you.

But if you could hear yourself say inane drone, you'd clear your sinuses.

It was so funny.

Tell me. I want to know what's so funny. You're beautiful.

You're just beautiful.

The look on his face when you talked about his sinuses.

Man, this is so vilely abusive.

Feet on the sofa.

But it wasn't my fault, was it? The man was completely unreasonable. It was your

fault, and he was perfectly unreasonable.

Now what you have to do is go down, apologize, and straighten it all out.

Oh, come on. How can I go back there?

You saw him. He threw me out of that booth.

You observed how rude that man was to me. That's the way he is with everyone.

He's in the rude hall of fame.

Felix, I'm telling you, you've got to go down, apologize, and humble yourself.

Fat chance, buster.

I have my pride.

I have my pride. I went down and humbled myself for you.

Ah, that's different. Why is that different? Because that was your pride.

is my pride.

Then don't apologize.

Don't apologize. I need that job. Then don't apologize. I can't.

Well, you've got to make up your mind. I know. That's why I thought maybe you'd

apologize. You've got to be kidding.

Apologize once again. So that's planning. No, but you like it. You

You apologized well. Yeah, but then you ruined it with your whole nasal routine.

But how can I go back to him? You heard what he called me.

Called me an inane drone.

What's an inane drone?

Well, it's a dull...

Apologize to Costello.

You got it.

When that white light flashes, Charlie, that's when I have to start to talk. And

this is my monitor on which I see the very same picture that you fans get at

home. This is neat, Mr. Costello. I sure am glad I won that contest.

Well, Charlie, it's my pleasure. The scouts meant a lot to me when I was a

during. It makes me feel good to see you this happy.

My troop leader says you do lots of nice things for the scouts.

Don't let that get around, Charlie. It could spoil my whole image.

Do you really know all the names and numbers of the players, or do you use a

scorecard? I never use a scorecard, Charlie. Just look down at that empty

Imagine the Baltimore Colts are down there. The defensive unit has taken the

field. Just sit back and say, now, fans, let me set that Colts defensive unit

for you.

78 is Bubba Smith. 81 is Billy Newsome. 76 is Freddie Miller. 85 is Roy Hilton.

56 is Ray May. 32 is Mike Curtis. 83 is Ted Hendricks. 20 is Jerry Logan. 21 is

Ricky Vogt. 44 is Rex Kern. And 47 is Charlie Duke.

Bubba Smith, that's fantastic.

You're absolutely right.

Oh,

Howard, they told me you were here.

Oh, I didn't know you were busy.

What is it, Madison?

I can come back later.

Hey, you're Oscar Madison, the sports writer, aren't you? Yeah. I recognize

from your picture in your column. Do you?

Wow, when will I tell the guys I met Howard Cosell and Oscar Madison?

Make sure you tell them in that office.

But this is only going to take a second. I want to talk to you about Felix

Hunter, you know, the photographer.

You mean he's given up his ear, nose, and throat practice?

That means, well, look, this account is very important. I'm going to let him

take your picture.

I can't stand that kind of aggravation. The guy's an inane drone. I know, I

know, but do it for me. No, for old times' sake.

How we do it?

Do it for the scouts.

Do it for the scouts who are kind and cheerful and obedient.

Do it for the scouts who look up to you as a kind, good, forgiving man.

You don't care how low you... I'll do it. Oh, thank you, Howard. I always said

you were one of my favorite people.

Mr. Madison.

Yeah. Boy scouts are also truthful.

Well, I got thrown off the line.

Yeah!

Hi.

Hi, Bernard. Just in time.

That's me, the pen for Merriman.

Call him for tomorrow.

You already have a call for tomorrow.

I do?

interview with Yogi Berra's wife.

You know, catch her in the kitchen or behind the plates.

That's in today's column.

No, it isn't.

What's in today's column?

Your open apology to Howard Cosell.

You're kidding.

No, don't get upset. I took care of it.

Oh, dependable murder. Nothing's too much for you to handle, is it, dear?

Well, that's what I'm here for.

Forget the spelling.

I called the editor. I told him to kill the story. What happened?

Well, he tried, but...

not to.

You convinced him not to? Why?

Because it was the best column you ever wrote.

You know, Mr. Madison, you're my favorite author.

What happened to Dr.

Rubin?

Oh, you don't have to do it. I got a copy. I'm not going out for a pic. I

go to Phoenix's studio.

What do you want me to do?

Roll bandages.

Excuse me, I don't like to be picky, but I want everything to be just so.

As long as I can get to the Super Bowl by next January.

Let's just take some of that shine off there. That's good. Still got a little

congestion in there, haven't you?

Just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop by, see how things

were going. All finished, huh?

They shot gone with the wind in less time.

What's holding you up? This is an art, Oscar.

Things take time. May I talk to you for just a minute? All right, I'll finish.

It's very important. Oscar, things are going well.

Don't louse them up. Will you let me talk to you? I wasn't able to pick him

And it's in today's paper.

Myrna loved it, so she printed it.

You've kind of had me, obviously. I haven't seen it yet. Take the pictures

Let's go, let's go.

Come on, let's go. Now, now, let's go.

That's the way I am. When the moment comes, I seize the inspiration.

Where's Phillips?

She went out to get something. She figured you weren't even going to get to

today. Fine, we'll start with that. Here we are. That's fine.

Very good.

Here? Yeah, yeah. With Madison in the ocean? No, no. We're here in the ocean.

Come on. Out of the ocean. Here we go. Here we go.

Phyllis, where have you been?

I had to run down and get the paper. Get rid of the paper. We're going to shoot.

Let's do the cells closer. Madison, you mean somebody actually buys your paper?

No, you're not supposed to be holding the paper. You've got to hold the

Oh, I was reading your article about Mr.

Cosell. But you're too pretty to bring it. What article?

Smile, Mr. Cosell.

Babbling baboon.

Gentleman jerk.

The mouth that roars. Big smile, Mr. Cosell.

Kid Norsham.

The Duke of Dribble.

The Baron of Bottle. You do the commercial.

I'm finished.

there in the field. I can't yet detect who it is. While the trainers are going

out onto the playing field, I'd like you fans to meet my guest in the booth,

first -class Boy Scout Charlie DiMazzo of Mount Vernon, New York. Welcome

aboard, Charlie.

Thanks, Mr. Cosell.

Charlie, of course, is the winner of the Why I Want to Be Like Howard Cosell

contest. I'll sit words on board.

And a little later, Charlie's going to try his hand at broadcasting one of the

plays. Nervous, Charlie?

A little.

Oh, you'll be just fine.

Right now, there's a timeout on the field. We'll be right back.

Boy, Mr. Cosell, this sure is exciting.

Well, I'm glad to see that you're enjoying it so much, Charlie. Seeing you

happy makes me feel just great.

What's the matter, Mr. Cosell?

Listen, Howie, I want to explain about the car.

He never meant to print it. Never, absolutely.

This column?

Yeah.

Cosell? A cacophony of cockamamie claptraps?

You know, it didn't bother me at all. I got a lot of calls today.

Madison, you're going to make me even more famous.

Wait a minute. Wait, are you trying to tell me you're not mad? You're not going

to try to get even?

No.

Stick around.

Back at Yankee Stadium, live fans, and we've got a special privilege in store

for you today. In addition to having our young Boy Scout friend in the booth,

we've got that eminent photographer, Mr.

Felix Unger, and, of course, the ever -popular sports writer, Mr.

Oscar Madison.

Right now, we're ready to resume the action. Let's turn the microphone over

Charlie. You ready?

Yeah. You're on.

Hayes split to the left, garrison in motion.

Staubach takes a snap from center, fakes a hand off to Hill, he fades back to

pass, he fires down the sideline, complete to Hayes, and he's dunked hard

Giants' 49 -yard line.

Charlie, that was such a... Special

treat for all of you. You are going to hear one of the most...

and best -known sports reporters in all the world describe the next play.

Madison, you're on the air.

There's nothing wrong with your sets, ladies and gentlemen. It's just Oscar

Madison telling the fans all he knows about football.

And the good, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, Oscar Madison.

And Salabat takes the snap from center. He takes the hand off to Dwayne Thomas

elegantly and fades back to pass.

He's looking for a receiver. He can't find one. He's scrambling. He's

with the dexterity of a lizard.

And now he likes to run with himself.

And he stopped cold the line of scrimmage. No gain on the play.

No gain, but a lesson for us all.

And what is that lesson?

It is the lesson that is the message of all sports.

Try again.

For all men, no matter what their race, creed, or color, no matter who they are,

the love of fair play.

And speaking of fair play, this is Oscar Madison signing off and reminding you

that a quitter never wins, and a winner never quits. And now back to our show.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll recap the three plays you just missed right after

this.

You were just great.

A little nasal.

A little more coffee, Mr. Costello?

No, thank you. How about some more Boston cream pie?

No, it was stale, but totally digestible. You're not holding a grudge,

because I took over for Oscar?

No, that was a gallant gesture for your friend. You're really a noble drunk.

efforts served as a flattering comparison to illuminate my own special

You know, I wrote a lot about you in that article. Some of it was true, some

it wasn't. But one thing is true. You're a great sportscaster, and I'm going to

write that in my column tomorrow.

Well, that goes without saying.

But follow your own conscience. And now, gentlemen, I must take my leave. And

so, another long day's journey in... tonight for the gifted one when he had

surmount the mediocrities around him, but at least on this occasion, the

exposure to the whole American public of the utter paucity of talent of a given

sports writer and a given photographer. To paraphrase John Keats in his final

letter to Fanny Braun, fare thee well, friends. I could never gracefully bow.

hospitality, the un -great Unger begins to clear the table in the performance of

those menial tasks which have been his luck since the unhappy age of 13. And

with his usual aplomb, Oscar Madison finishes off the last of the Boston

pie.