Original subtitles

Like you said, Mr. Madison.

This room scares me.

Must have dozed off.

No, you ought to get...

Ecology Award for recycling all the garbage into your room.

A secretary who can only type seven words a minute shouldn't be fresh.

I'm sorry.

Got a bad headache? No, I got a good headache.

There's your mail.

Here's tomorrow's column.

Get it in right away, will you? Wait a minute. Give me it.

There's something wrong about the way you look.

What? You look good.

Thank you. It really does show, doesn't it? I'm so happy I...

Why is your mirror up there?

It's where they nail it.

Yeah? Yeah, sure, right here.

I do look good, don't I?

Mr. Madison, my tip finally came in. I met the greatest guy, a stockbroker, and

I think it looks serious.

Yeah? Where'd you meet him? Well, I got up the nerve to join one of those

computer dating agencies, Executron. They only handle executives and girls

a college education.

I'm the latter.

You've heard of them.

You know, Executron, where the wealthy meet the healthy?

Yeah, I saw that right in the papers. A man and a woman walking up the steps to

a bank, right? It's really terrific.

In fact, you ought to sign up with them.

What are you, kidding? I don't need a computer dating service.

I got a terrific social life.

Mr. Madison, I'm the last to talk out of turn, but I am your secretary, and I

know all about your social life. What about?

You're not hot.

I date a lot.

Well, I mean, everybody hits a slump once in a while, don't they?

What's that?

Tonic. You always take tonic with a shoehorn?

I couldn't find a spoon, but I clean it, I clean it.

What do you put your shoes on with, a fork?

Well,

here's their card in case you're interested.

Let me just set you back.

$200. $200? That's a lot of money.

Mr. Madison, you can't put a price on loneliness.

Think about it. I'll see you Monday.

Okay.

Executive. Ah, what does she know?

She knows I'm not hot, that's what she knows.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his

place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Oh, Felix.

Did you wipe your feet?

Yeah.

Good, I just shampooed the rug.

What are you making?

Little melon balls. Oh, good. No, not with your fingers. Come on.

Let's make one big one.

If I made one that size, that's the size you'd put in your mouth.

Go wash your hands.

He's gonna wash his hands in the kitchen sink.

Any mail for me?

Nah, nothing.

Just an ad to remove unwanted hair and the wrong address.

Where's the wrong address?

Over there. Mr. Andre La Plume. Did you ever?

Don't do that. That's the federal offense.

That's my letter.

What? You've changed your name.

Oscar. You've sent away for dirty books under another name.

Can you cut it out? I'm Andre La Plume. It's my pen name.

Pen name. La Plume.

How did you ever think of that?

What do you need a pen name for? Well, if you must.

What? Any business.

Don't tell me.

Makes me know never mind.

It's none of my bees' whack. It's none of my bees' whack.

Come on, what?

Tell me.

Well, all right.

Well, I... I signed up with a... What?

Come on.

Computer dating outfit.

Computer dating?

You, the last of the lukewarm lovers. Oh,

Mr. LaFleur.

I'd be ashamed.

Come on, Andre.

I'm dying to know. How'd you get mixed up with computer dating?

Well, let's face it, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely and I'm tired. I'm tired of all those empty conversations about sex

and astrology.

I want a meaningful relationship.

All right, laugh. But I'm tired of going every night to my lonely bed.

Lonely bed. Everything you've ever owned is in there.

I'll tell you, I thought if there was one person in this world who would have

understood, it would have been you. But was I wrong, boy? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll stab myself with a carrot.

You're absolutely right. Believe me. Computer dating is a legitimate, time

-tested way to bring perfectly suited people together.

Now, you really think I did the right thing? Did you do the right thing?

What have you had until now?

Chance meetings in hallways with door -to -door fundraisers.

Brief encounters with airline stewardesses who just wanted to sit down

their feet.

That's not for you.

You deserve something better. You want something that will blossom into a

relationship between two people whose fate has been charted not only by the

stars above, but by the computers below.

Compare the tranchant of beer with the enduring bouquet of fine wine.

And you ask me, Did you do the right thing?

I don't know. Did I?

It's been such a long time since I asked. Cheers.

Hey,

where were you?

I had a date with Miriam.

Upstairs, Miriam? Yeah.

Lovely person.

How come I haven't met her?

I'm preparing her.

Where'd you take her?

Didn't take her anywhere. We never left the building.

We stayed in and watched an educational show on TV.

Oh, that's really... No, it was very, very exciting.

It was all about the habits of the Central American raccoon.

No kidding. It's called the Kodamundi, and it has an almost prehensile nose.

The Kodamundi eats nothing but dead worms, and its diet is better than

How do you do it?

I'm pulling out my form, your personality profile.

Oh, you're doing a match -up. Yeah. I never knew that.

Why? You like square dancing?

Hey, Steve, there's a lot about me you don't know. Grab your partner through

nose. Kick him in the elbow.

Don't. That was stationed in Montana.

Favorite food?

Garbage.

Crepe Suzette.

Felix, leave me alone, will you? I got to get this in the mail by tomorrow if I

want to match up to you. What is it? What?

Overall appearance?

Above average?

Yeah.

What's your definition of average? The wolf man?

puts my picture at the top of my column every day. Would they do that if I was

just average looking? The paper also prints Mutt and Jeff every day, and

not above average either.

And Mutt's a better dresser than you are.

Let me give it to you straight. If I put down average, I get an average looking

girl, and that's not what I'm looking for. You've got to fill this out with

absolute accuracy so they match you up with the right person. What do you mean

accuracy? It's not a science. It's a matter of opinion. Who's to say what's

above average, what's average? If there's one man in this world who's

looking, it's you.

You're very nice looking, but you're average.

Yeah, right. Yes. What would you put down for yourself on that question? No,

it's very important.

You say that I'm average. What are you?

Well above average.

You're well above me.

Yes. Were you almost voted cutest boy in your high school yearbook?

Well, I would have been, but you couldn't have two awards and I already

home economics medal.

Let's face it. I've always been a very cute person.

They don't have any category down here.

is very cute. All they have is excellent, above average, average, below

and we're returning your deposit.

You're defeating the very purpose of computer data.

I'm above average, above average, and I'm leaving it in.

Right in the neck.

Come and spoil everything.

Do you believe in premarital sex?

You check yes, no, and sometimes.

I'm allowed my moods.

I'm just trying to be honest. Then why aren't you? honest about your

averageness. Again with you. Will you go to bed? Let me finish this, please.

Centuries of science have brought us to the computer age.

You're expecting locusts?

Oscar, you're going to foul up the entire computer mechanism. You're lying

your application. I'm not lying. I'm trying to tell the absolute truth.

Favorite sport?

Yacht racing.

Check our coats, please.

On hangers, if you will. No hoops. We have no hoops, monsieur.

Don't be self -conscious.

You're doing the right thing. You are, you are. Believe me.

You're nervous?

No. Then why are you drinking that man's drink?

He's got a computer -blind date. Felix!

Where's Maria? She'll be here. She's joining us. So tell me, what's your

name?

Sarah. Sarah Morgan.

That's very good.

I like, well, Sarah, biblical, Morgan, money, J .P. Morgan, gives me very good

vibrations. Your Sarah Morgan's going to be a knockout. I know. Maybe you're

right. Wow, look at that. This is Miriam.

Hello,

funny face.

Hi, Felix.

Miriam, this is Oscar.

Hi, good to see you. We're waiting for his dates. Let's do that. That's great.

It's someone you've never met before. How exciting.

You're right.

What a surprise!

She looks like your ex -wife. She looks like Gloria?

Yeah.

Gloria!

She's his ex -wife.

Miriam, this is Gloria Unger, my wife. My ex -wife.

Gloria, this is Miriam Welby. Hi.

I've heard a lot about you. All nice.

All nice.

I like your dress.

I bought that dress.

You know, if you don't mind, I think I'd like to go to the ladies' room. Of

course.

You better slide this way. I'll come with you.

Hey, that's not a bad idea. I think maybe I'll... Wait, wait.

Slide in here. You slide in. I'm wearing out my pants.

expecting a Sarah Morgan, Sarah Morgan, not a glorious Sarah Morgan.

What's the matter?

Hypoglycemia.

Whenever I'm upset, my blood sugar gets very low.

Is this all you're... Well, you lied on your application.

You're outracing for pity's sake. Oh, how did I know this was going to happen?

You put down that you're above average in appearance, so they matched you up

with Gloria because she's suited to someone above average, like me. That's

you're divorced. Oh, what have I got to do?

What am I going to do?

Well, we're going to stay... And then we can split whatever we want. Tell me,

tell me, what should I do? You should remain calm is what you should... Here,

come.

Slide up.

Hi, kids.

How did it go?

Slide up.

Boy, don't... She means absolutely nothing to me. She lives in our

I've done my laundry with her twice. That's absolutely... Honestly, I want

to date.

You do?

It's a perfectly healthy, normal thing.

Here we are.

We're all helpful, Normie.

We're what?

We're mature. We're adults with an above -average sense of humor, if I'm not

mistaken. So, uh, let's have fun, shall we? That's a good idea. We have a party.

What are we gonna do? This is just a double date. It's a double date.

I'm with Miriam.

Gloria, you're with Oscar over there, so... The party's on me.

Excellent, monsieur. Would you care for some drinks before dinner?

Oh, yeah, sure. What would you like?

And I'd love a martini. Scotch and a martini. No, I think you better have a

vermouth. Oh, it's not a vermouth kind of evening. I think I know what Gloria

ought to have.

Felix, please don't order from me. You know I never like that. Yeah, let her

have what she wants, will you? That's one scotch and one martini.

Gloria will have a dry vermouth on the rocks.

I'll have a martini.

She'll have a martini.

That's a vermouth and two martinis. What should I have, Felix?

Anything you want. Have a martini.

Merci.

Phoenix, I happen to be Oscar's date tonight.

Oh, come on. That's just because of a computer error.

The whole thing is so stupid.

Did you ever... I think they're a cute couple.

You do? She does.

Thank you.

Let me ask you this.

Do you think Oscar's above average?

Above average what?

Above average in appearance.

Yes, yes, I do.

Thank you. Would you stand up, please?

Oh, you cut that out. It's not about...

Scream at Miriam?

I happen to think he's above average, too. Thank you.

Felix, you don't need to pick on me just because you're jealous of Oscar and

Gloria. Why should I be jealous of Andre La Plume? That's enough, Felix!

I want to go home.

I want to go home, too. I want to go home.

Somebody's on the powder.

Monsieur, your party is not staying for dinner.

Monsieur, your

martini.

Bon appétit.

Are you awake?

No.

Oscar, I'm sorry.

You didn't hear no?

I've been walking the streets for hours.

I've been thinking, Oscar. About what?

Listen to me, Oscar.

You gonna have a fireside chat?

About tonight.

Did Gloria resent my dating Miriam? No, she did not.

She was able to rise above petty jealousy.

But was I?

No. Oscar, if I'm any kind of man at all, I've got to come to you with my

held high and say, go ahead, Oscar, go with my blessing. Go ahead and what?

I want you to date Gloria again.

What? Why not?

It's because of me the date didn't work out tonight.

But if I were up there somewhere, poor dear departed Felix,

Struck down in my prime by who knows what terrible reason. Try for waking up

Oscar.

Never mind.

If I was up there, you'd be dating Gloria.

You'd be discovering for yourself what a glorious woman she is.

Give it a try, will you? For me, if not for yourself, so I don't go through the

rest of my life hating myself.

I'll do it on one condition.

Name it. You let me go through my life hating you.

you want me to go.

What does it mean with the eyes? I want you to go.

Hi, Felix.

Hi, Murray.

Hi, Oscar.

How are you feeling, Oscar?

He feels great.

What am I smiling about?

Well, I saw everybody smiling.

Come on in. Hey, Oscar was dressed to kill. Where's he going?

He's got a date.

That's why he was smiling.

Another pushover.

Come on, let's get to work.

What song are you doing in the police show? Ah, Poor Little Buttercup.

Who chose that for you? My captain.

You must hate Gilbert and Sullivan.

How do you like the ballet?

Oh, it's terrific.

Really terrific.

I just love Swan Lake. It's my favorite.

Especially, you know, where the ducks put their heads through the frou -frou.

I wonder how the New York Rangers did tonight.

Well, it's hard to say since the season ended a few weeks ago.

You got hyperglycemia, too?

Felix gave it to me.

Oscar, I give up if you give up. I give up? Who are we kidding?

Gloria, look at us. We've known each other for ten years. We've always been

to talk. Now we can't because we're on a date that's all wrong.

And it's all because Felix is trying to prove he's not jealous. He's constantly

trying to prove he's a... Pure, you're a human being. I know. Above average,

almost the cutest.

I know that.

Let's go home.

What can a lad do?

Don't you understand? He's going to make us go out on date after date after

date, and there's no way to stop him.

Unless we give him a reason for it.

Farrah.

Andre.

Hey.

My name is this podcast.

Sweet little buttercup eye.

I'm not going to do it. You know, the guys may laugh.

No, they'll respect you for it.

Can't wait until I see your costume.

Hey, Phoenix. Marie.

Hi, Gloria.

What are you doing here?

I'm going home. What do you think? Oh, I just wanted to see the apartment.

Gloria. You've seen me in the apartment a thousand times.

Felix, I know you're from another planet, but here in North America, you

girl out on a date, you bring her home for a drink.

Oscar is dating Gloria?

Yes. Felix,

I'm trained not to be surprised.

Excuse us, will you do this?

Excuse us. Thank you.

Well, how was the evening?

Don't you have a book you're dying to finish or something?

A book you're dying to finish. You want it to go already.

as much as I am. More so, in fact, technically, I'm still a guest here, so

whatever you... Gloria, you're a free agent. Whatever you want.

I'll be in my room. Don't worry about me.

I just wanted you to know I'm not going to make an excuse if I want coffee or

come back or anything like that. You're absolutely on your own.

You're safe.

It didn't work.

Question of time. You want a place in the gym with me? Yeah, I'd love to.

Now we're rolling.

Hey, did he still bang his head up against the wall when he's upset?

I'll take you home. No, I'll have the doorman get me a cab.

Good night, Oscar.

Thank you. Nice evening. You too. Bye -bye.

It only proves you're a normal human being and you get jealous like the rest

us. Good night, buddy.

Oscar.

You're well above average.

tense about?

Executant wouldn't give me my money back. They said I had to fill out

application and try again. Well, so you'll try again. You'll get another

it. At least this time, you know, you're not going to get Gloria. She's not

Sarah Morgan anymore.

And you're not using a silly name like André La Plume. Hey, Mr. Willard

Eisenhower. Here, that's it.

What is it? There's a Miss Lina Molinaro waiting.

Oh, bring her here, will you?

Lina Molinaro?

That's not American.

Lina Molinara? Your Willard Eisenhower?

What happened to the stockbroker? He was married.

Gliding, sliding.