Original subtitles

Operator, would you give me the Boston area code?

Yeah.

What kind of lemon is this?

You get the area code yet?

Boston is unlisted?

That's on a different list.

All right,

people.

617? Okay. Give me 617.

2 -2 -6 -5 -2 -4 -3.

No,

no. 5 -2 -4 -3.

If he's not there, call the Boston Gazette, will you? He's a sports writer.

name is Tony Riley.

No, not Tony O 'Reilly. Tony Riley.

If you moan someplace else, you get all mixed up.

What's wrong? Are you sick?

I don't know. I just... What?

Oh, I just feel so disoriented.

There's a lot of that going around.

Tony!

Ask him out.

Yeah, I'm calling you for two reasons. First, I want to know if you're coming

the awards dinner.

Good. Second, I want to congratulate you because I know you're going to win

Sports Writer of the Year Award.

Why, I know, that's all.

I'll see you then.

What are you congratulating him for? You're going to win Sports Writer of the

Year Award. Yeah, yeah.

Oh. What?

Oh, I wonder if I have a low -grade fever. You've got a high -grade

Oh.

The only award I ever won was a letter in college.

That's for slob.

You're trying to win another one. Mark my words.

Thank you, Criswell Predicts.

There, answer the phone. You'll see you've won.

Hello?

Yes, Oscar Madison here.

What?

Thank you.

That was the award committee.

They voted me sports writer of the year.

I don't want to hear him.

How did you know?

Just what I thought.

99.

I'm sure he washed that off in alcohol.

How did he know?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his

place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Now, buddy.

Oh, a little better. Thanks.

It's like living with a crop duster.

You know, a bold weevil doesn't stand a chance in this apartment.

Neither does a germ.

Good. I can't get over that way you knew about the awards. I mean, you have to

be psychic. It's the only explanation. Not psychic.

Sensible. Anybody would know that you were long overdue for that award. Say,

say, Gesundheit. Why? Because I'm going to sleep.

Oh.

Oh, I'm feeling funny again. I just...

Oh. Oh, hi, Chief.

Oh. Hey, thanks a lot.

Tell him it's not enough. You want a bigger bonus. It's not enough. I want a

bigger bonus. Oh.

I'll talk to you later.

How did you know, Felix, that my boss was going to offer me a bonus?

It makes sense. You've won an important award. You deserve a bonus.

Yeah, but it's large, you know.

Hands to the door. You know Murray gets jittery out in that dark hall.

I don't jitter. It's the only exercise he gets.

Oh, I feel so... Oscar, congratulations.

How did you know?

I got it from an informer.

Wait a minute.

How did you know Murray was at that door?

I heard his footsteps out in the hall.

You know he could be a detective?

If you could be a cop, he could be a detective.

You're a witch, Felix.

Phyllis, you're just like my Aunt Goldie from Teaneck. Is she a witch, too?

No, she was a manicurist.

But she had ESP.

Really? That's it? You hear that?

That's what you've got.

You know that, buddy? You've got ESP.

Yes. Yes. Which, rubbish.

It's simple, deductive reasoning. Excuse me while I get the champagne glasses.

You know, Aunt Goldie would need hot flashes every time she had a fever.

You hear that?

You've had a fever. You've had hot flashes.

What did you Angoli predict?

Well, she predicted someday there'd be men on the moon.

Break out the champagne. It's time for a toast.

Okay, Pius. I hope I've chosen wisely.

It's very hard to get good champagne for under three dollars.

Chateau Warsaw.

Ah, well.

72 is a good year.

It's domestic.

I know it's domestic. It didn't have time to be imported.

Wait, how did you know that Murray had brought champagne?

It's so simple.

A, Murray is a romantic and would bring champagne.

And B, the bullhorn was a dead giveaway.

The bullhorn was a dead giveaway?

That's right. How would it look for a policeman to be walking down the street

carrying a bottle of champagne in his hand? Looked like he took a bribe from

Lawrence Welk.

Stop looking at me as though I'm in league with... Come on, it's time for a

toast. To Oscar Madison, sports writer of the year.

Okay, I guess you're not supernatural.

I mean, what good's a reward if you can't share with your friends?

Cheers. Don't drink too fast, you'll get hiccups. I haven't had hiccups in 20

minutes.

Felix,

you were right.

I've never seen you have hiccups before.

In 20 years.

I never. And you predicted it. Predicted it. That's just like my Aunt Goldie

was.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. What is it?

There's a strangeness in my body.

Oh,

there are forces.

They're all around me.

This new power, this psychic power.

The mind boggles at what I can do with it.

Felix, the fever broke two days ago, and for two days you've bungled every

bottle. So let's see. I predict Oscar sitting down.

What kind of prediction is that? What are you standing for? I predict Oscar

open his spirit.

And now my psychic power brings you what you want for dinner. Oh, come on.

You've been wrong for two days.

All right. What do you want for dinner?

Turkey. Now, come on. Come on. No kidding around. I'm not kidding. I want

turkey. What do you got?

Swiss steak. Okay.

I made a little mistake, but they're both meat.

Now,

what else do you want? I'll bet you want vegetables.

Well, I always have vegetables.

Now, what kind of vegetables do you want?

Spinach.

Peas.

Peas are spinach?

Popeye's going to get very upset. Ah, well, you see, they're both green.

all I saw.

Green, see?

Now, what? Wait, what, what?

Oscar drinking his beer.

What's he doing again? I was drinking more. No, no, no, no. But you see, all I

saw was liquid. I didn't see the head on it, but I saw liquid.

You know why you saw liquid?

Because your brain is leaking.

I don't care what you say.

I'm a psychic.

You are not a psychic. You're a psychic, and I am.

Now, I'm going to tell you something, please. I am going to make a...

I predict this meal is over

I've been sitting here in this yoga position, and I've had a terrible

What? You're going to die.

For that, you woke me up?

Couldn't let me die in my sleep?

How am I going to die?

I don't know.

The vision is... It's foggy. All right.

I'll cancel the trip to London I wasn't going to take. Oscar, believe me.

Believe me. Why should I believe you? You were pretzel.

You were wrong about the spinach and the peas and the Swiss steak and everything

like that.

I really had.

Tomorrow I'm going to put you in a wheelbarrow and I'm going to take you to

doctor.

I predicted you'd say that.

Come right in, gentlemen.

Thank you.

Ah. Yeah.

What does he do? Play football on the moon?

Take meditation.

Very good.

Professor Faraday will be with you in just a moment. Thank you.

You don't have to be psychic to know what I'm thinking when she's around.

That's right. Get all you want. I'm not worried.

You shouldn't be. This guy's a very good doctor. He's going to show you up for

the phony that you are.

Good afternoon. I am Professor Faraday.

Pleasure, hunger.

I'm so glad your editor suggested you call me, Mr. Madison.

I'll read your column faithfully.

I'm Madison. He's hunger.

So what do you want from me? I'm not a mind reader.

Excuse the jest, but if I took my work too seriously, I would go

bananas.

In fact, the more research I do, the more skeptical I become.

True cases of psychic ability are really quite rare.

Exactly, exactly.

And I'm one of the rare ones.

Well, I tell you, why don't we start, huh?

Yes. Here, I'll tell you what. We'll set up the table. Mr.

Unger, would you please sit over here? Mr. Madison, would you sit over here,

please?

Want me to put on a gown?

If you like.

I thought there was some proper garb for testing.

Now, you will both notice that Miss Arnett has a set of large cards, as

you can see.

There are different symbols. There will be five symbols in all. A circle, a

square, a parallel line, a triangle, and a footprint.

Yes, yes. Now, Mr. Madden, I want you to select a card from the deck.

Mr. Unger, I want you to identify that card. Yes. Begin.

Well, stop flirting and pick a card.

Censed he was flirting with me some night? What, sensed? I mean, he's a

girl. I flirt with her. I always do that. What kind of picture is that?

All right.

I picked a card.

What is it?

Come on, what is it? No, no, give me a chance. I have to get a proper frame of

mind.

Oh, come on. I don't sit there going to trance. It makes you look like a fraud.

How did you know he was making that fraudy face?

Yeah, he does. He's a fraud. Oh, he got rid of it now. No, he does.

Well, tell me what it is, will you?

I'm getting bored.

Parallel lines.

Well, stop smirking and pick another card. I wasn't ready. Come on, come on,

come on. Should I, Professor?

If you lie.

Okay. All right, Mento the Magnificent.

What is it? Oh, come on. What are you trying to do? If you're not going to

the game, don't play at all. That isn't fair.

What's the matter? The professor told me to pick a card. I picked a card.

Don't write a buffalo on me. You picked the same card you had before.

If you know where the card was, why don't you tell me? I don't know where

card was, but I know him. I know he tried to pick the same card. You know

each other so well. I can't tell if Felix is psychic or

just responding out of habit.

But listen, thanks for coming over anyway.

This was a nice change of pace from the usual cuckoos.

But Felix isn't sure what the danger is because his vision is cloudy on that

subject. Then maybe I can do something.

Anyway, listen, I can give him something to keep him busy so he'll stay out of

your way. What are you talking about over there? What's going on?

You are sensitive.

Listen, Anger, how would you like to be the first kid on your block to have one

of these?

I'm telling you, Murray, he's going to drive me nanu -nunu bananas.

I know he's got an alpha wave hat.

It's supposed to help him meditate. It has electrodes and antenna and all that.

He looks like a tidy Buck Rogers.

I think he's about to give milk.

Felix, will you take it off? It's going to flatten your head.

What did you do? Swallow a hummingbird?

I had a vision. I saw what the danger is. What is the danger?

The danger is a murder attempt.

Are you crazy? Who would attempt to murder me? Tomorrow night.

At the awards banquet. An attempt will be made on your life.

So? There's nothing I can do about that.

You mean the award is more important than your life? Felix, I have to go and

pick up my award. Listen to me. This is serious.

This is serious.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

Listen to me.

You're not going to that award, are you?

Professor, you've got to convince him he's imagining things.

He wants to stop me from going to the banquet.

Sometimes he really gets to me. I get scared.

Yeah, it can get scary, can't it?

See? That's why it's so easy to fool yourself in this racket.

But see, this thing is very important to me, and I don't want Felix to foul it

up.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mr. Faraday?

How do you do? Just been having a lovely chat with Miss Arnett.

I told her the man she loves will be hers by the end of the week.

Hey, that's right.

My wife leaves town on Friday.

likes to laugh more than a mystic.

Go ahead, test me. I know I'll be proven correct.

Oh, then you won't mind if I place you under hypnosis for a brief period?

It's a very interesting concept, Professor, but of course it's out of the

question. Hey, that's a very good idea. Put him in a trance until the banquet is

over. Well, are you afraid I'll make you undress and imitate a chicken?

No, of course not, but it's a well -known fact that persons of superior

intellect... I cannot be hypnotized. You just can't put me under it. Well, let

him try, Mr. Superior Intellect. All right, well, don't you sit down. Please

relax. I'm relaxed.

Continue to breathe in a normal manner.

I'm breathing. I'm normal.

Perfectly comfortable.

It's a waste of time. It's useless.

Well, what will it hurt you to humor me a little bit anyway?

Now, I know this is a cliché, but...

Watch the watch.

A complete waste of time.

I'm willing to watch it as long as you want me to, but it's just... I don't

know. Since his intellect is too strong for hypnosis, he must be dead.

Now what am I going to do?

Hey, get him to undress and imitate a chicken.

She does not respond to my hypnosis.

Now, there's a woman with a strong interest.

Mr. Unger, Felix, can you hear me?

Yes. I want you to describe your vision of the Sportswriter Award banquet.

What is the danger to your friend?

I... I see a banquet room.

And a platform.

People milling about, excitement, cameras.

Does that sound accurate?

That could describe any banquet. What is that?

The sugar bowls aren't covered.

There's a fly in the sugar bowl.

It's a shoe fly.

are popping, and the winner is Oscar Madison.

He's my friend, and their hands,

hands, and they're clutching a man's

throat. Whose hand? Whose hand? Who's the strangler?

get stranglers, get bogged in.

I'll wake him up in a moment, but first I want you to know I think Mr.

Unger has had a genuine psychic experience.

He really was under.

I told you it's a waste of time.

You're not going to that banquet? I told you that. I'm not going to let you

tempt fate. Please get out of my way. I'm going.

It's for your own safety, Oscar. When is the last time you had your face set on

fire?

Felix, get out of my way. This is the most important night of my life. I'm

warning you.

I've got a black belt in karate, Oscar.

Don't try anything, Oscar. Don't try anything.

That was hard, wasn't it?

Professor. Professor.

I'm so glad you're here.

Well, when you called, you were so distraught.

Oh, the vision is so clear right this minute.

You should have seen the vision I just left to come here.

But I actually believe you may possibly be a genuine mystic.

So I want to see this thing through.

On the way over in a taxi, the vision of hands clutching a throat was so clear,

it was as if it were actually happening.

It was. Don't forget, this is New York.

This is a terribly serious business. A man's life meeting.

Oscar? Oscar?

if he doesn't cool it.

Good evening, I'm Al Alberts, and welcome to the 25th Annual Sports

Award Dinner.

The winner this year is the columnist... The

winner this year is the columnist who

many have thought was long overdue in gaining the recognition of his peers.

I'm referring, of course, to Oscar Madison of the New York Herald.

It's obvious the choice was a very popular one. Now here he is, the winner

this year's award, Oscar Madison.

Hi, fellas.

I want you to know that it's great to be here.

Oh,

look at this.

The mic went dead at all times. But I really don't need a microphone to tell

guys how I feel about being here tonight.

You know, this award...

is very important to me. I'm not a sentimental guy. I don't get misty about

things, but I am about tonight.

I want to tell you what an honor it is and how much I appreciate it.

I'm having

such hot flashes.

The danger is close.

I'll tell you, I'm not very much of a speaker.

Well, maybe that's why I became a writer.

Of course, there are a lot of reporters who still feel that I'm not a writer.

you realize the value of science.

Come on, I'm trying to concentrate on something. On what?

I want to make something happen. What?

I'm going to make it happen. What?