All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s02e21

I told you I only had lunch at the
office. What, Big Newton's and cream

Hell, angels eat better than you.

And neither, too.

I've heard you need to eat some food for
a change. Geez, he always says pizza

gives me heartburn. Nothing gives you
heartburn.

Now, you comfortable?

Yeah. Good.

I'm leaving.

What do you mean? We just got here.

You'll see.

Just wait.

Somebody will come.

And sit with you. What are we doing
here?

Casablanca? Who's Casablanca?

Somebody. Who?

A lady somebody.

A lady somebody?

You fixed me up with a date with a lady.
Who, who, who? Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman

with the overbite?

What, for lunch?

No. Don't be silly.

I'll be silly. Please, I'm not late, am
I dear? Hello, darling.

How far are you? What are you doing
here?

Oscar, what are you doing here?

You fixed me up with my ex -wife?

Yes.

Now I got hot birth.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

What are you doing in New York? Starting
your own alimony collection agency?

No. I came east for my Uncle Dave's
wedding.

Old Uncle Dave? The guy's got to be over
90. Yeah.

So, Blanche is in New York?

Today is the anniversary of your
divorce.

So? I thought it would be fun if you
celebrated it together.

Fun?

Aren't you the guy that got the
survivors of the Hindenburg together?

Just call me an incurable romantic.

I'd love to call you... Just call him an
incurable sweetheart.

I'm on my way. I'm going. Good.

Goodbye, Felix. You're gauche, but good,
dear.

You too.

It's a great idea. You'll see.

Gee,

it's great to hear.

Uncle Dave.

I didn't know he got married.

Neither did he.

Kind of weird, isn't it? Two of us
sitting here celebrating our divorce.

Weird, but I'm in California. I
celebrate it every day.

Hey, oh, don't you like linguinis? They
make it great here.

You remembered.

Remembered what?

I hate linguinis.

Uh -huh, but I remember.

I make one linguini, red clam sauce, and
one pizza with everything on it.

And wine and one of those things that
looks like a basket.

We need you to master Italian, darling.

Come on, will you cut out the zingers?

It's the truth, remember? Right, right.
Sorry, sorry. It's the truth.

Look, we had a lot of good things going
for us.

Oh, but we had a lot of laughs.

As Grover Cleveland said, some people
get along all the time, some people

get along, and we never got along all
the time.

Grover Cleveland said that? Listen, he
was no Abe Lincoln.

eight fights, but the best one was the
one that broke her thumb.

New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, yeah.

That was a beauty.

Mm -hmm. Oh, you really blew it that
night.

I blew it. I... Flats, I started a lot
of fights, but at that New Year's party,

you were the bad guy.

Me? Yeah. I was there. I happened to
have thrown that party, remember?

Where was I? Playing drums with Guy
Lombardo?

Tell me what you saw. No, no, no, no. I
want you to tell me your version because

I need to laugh.

It would be my pleasure. It's burned
into my memory. I remember how I worked

I slaved on that party to make it
perfect for you. And there you were in

usual grumpy mood sitting around telling
dirty jokes and hanging around with

your buddies.

Then the guy says, yeah, now that I got
it, how do I get rid of it?

I want you to try this dip. I spent
hours on it. See if you like it.

You like it? You deserve a medal. I'll
hang an avocado around your neck.

I'm busy talking, all right? Oh, honey,
wait a minute. Listen, is this dress all

right? I mean, you know, it isn't too
tacky, is it? I mean, this is a party.

It's not a fashion show. Why don't you
go blow up some balloons?

Let's blow them up together like we used
to remember.

I'm talking. I'm not blowing and I'm not
remembering.

Why don't you answer the door?

We could answer it together.

You answer it.

And if it's a naked midget with a banner
across his chest, tell him he's early.

You have a good time, sweetheart.

I'll answer the door.

Felix, how are you?

My sinuses are killing me.

there with the tattoo of a rat on his
neck.

No, I don't feel bad. There's a man over
there without a bone in his nose.

Oh, come on. It'll be a lovely party.
Come, I'll introduce you around.

The tennis pro?

Why, yes, but I'm good at other things,
too.

Let me.

Oh, thank you.

I just love your party.

I do, too. Now, hey, how about a drink
right here?

I bet he said you shouldn't wear lace
panties to Forest Hills, too. I just

this dip.

What are these little black things?

Oh, those are Oscar's cigar ashes.

Poor Glenn.

Look at Oscar over there. Isn't he cute
when he gets around a pretty girl?

You mean you're not jealous?

Of Oscar?

No, why should I be?

Well, I...

That girl's got a terrible reputation.

She broke up a marriage on the newlywed
game.

Darling, if a husband and wife can't
trust each other, what do they have?

Here's some kind of girl blanching. Hey,
it's almost midnight.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Are you going to get the noisemakers?

Send me a roll -out tweeter noisemaker.

Isn't she a wonderful...

I'm doing this mutable just like the
rest of them.

It's a bad habit.

Where's my Oscar?

You know what he hides? Every New Year's
Eve.

He hid last year.

Where'd you find him? In Cleveland.

You have a wonderful sense of humor.

You're a wonderful... Oscar! Oscar
Dodge!

Where are you?

Blanche! Blanche! You're just terrible.

I think it's my serve.

And the score is 15.

Nothing. Your kisses usually are.

Poor Blanche. I don't know what to say.
Well, say goodbye. Let me talk to my

wife. Talk? There's nothing to talk
about. Wait, Blanche. Felix, at least

listen to me.

Oscar, I'm the last to turn against you.

But you've not only mortally wounded the
loveliest, most trusting wife in the

world, but look the way you've wrinkled
those coats.

to cheat on Blanche. She's got to know
that. It's too late for that now.

Now I've got to find her before she does
something drastic.

Well, what do I do?

When you see her, get down on your knees
and thank your maker for a wife like

Blanche.

Ah, Blanche, Blanche.

Pull yourself together. Felix, do you
mind, please?

Blanche, I'm sorry. What can I do to
make it up to you? Look, I'm on my knees

and I'm begging. Please forgive me.

Please, Oscar, get up. Your trousers are
getting the floor off. dusty. Thank

you, dear.

I'll do anything. I'll buy you that
house. I'll even turn it neat. I'm

Oscar. It's too late for all that. My
words, Adrian.

Hey, everybody.

I'm sorry.

You'll have to go somewhere else to
bring in a happy New Year. The party's

sleeping dogs lie, do you, Oscar?

Come on, Blanche. You got the story all
wrong. Sure, we broke up for good that

night, but it was your fault. My fault?

You're gonna sit there. You're gonna
tell me you don't really remember what

happened.

Tell me your version.

I'd like to hear it told with a full
mouth.

Okay. It was a good party.

The room was filled with good friends,
good booze, and good spirits, but you,

baby, you were impossible.

You were like a deranged clown. Miranda.

After all, I'm only a guy. I'm not God.

Oh, you're missing my favorite sports
writer.

She's not for you either, Oscar.

Little Trudy Wells, you know Felix
Sanger?

How do you do?

Little Trudy's been waiting all night
for you to pay her a lot of attention.

Hey, now, you've been drinking a lot.
You know what martinis do to you.

I get her a coaster?

I'll get her to the bedroom and have her
take a nap, okay? Good idea. I'll turn

down the bed. No, no, no. I don't want
to mess up the party.

You get Blanche and have her hand out
the noisemakers, will you?

You're some kind of guy.

Blanche is lucky to have a husband like
you.

Thank you, Felix.

Thank you.

because she's doing it.

I've got to find her and set it
straight. Oscar, you're a saint.

Oh, Blanche!

Oscar! Excuse me, folks.

It wasn't my fault, Oscar. I just came
here for a piece of ice.

It's not for you.

Oh, Oscar, I'm so ashamed.

Because you got caught, you tell it to
the go -farm.

I'm lawyers.

You take a go -farm, I'll take a go
-farm, and I'll meet you in court. I

don't...

While you're down there on your knees,
thank your maker for a husband like us.

No.

No, though a terrible, terrible thing
has happened, I want all of you, my

friends, to continue to have a good
time.

was a ram fullback who ran out of bounds
and stepped on me with his plate.

I like this story you're gonna tell me.

Everybody's... Hi, you two.

How's it going?

The one where I blew the whistle on
Blanche? That's his version. In my

the only thing he blew was our marriage.

Do I remember?

That is the most vivid night in my
entire memory.

Even if I was doomed to failure.

What failure?

What else?

Keeping you two from making such a
terrible mistake.

I've been to two or three parties
before.

I had to be with you two in midnight.

Oh, what a party it was.

Why, what a dope party.

Is Felix coming? Yeah, he'll be here
soon.

Whenever she nips, she's got a nap, and
she's nipped.

It's a nappy nap.

Oscar. What?

Willpower. Who's willpower?

Beat, where did Oscar disappear to?

I couldn't say.

I need him to help me hand out the
goodies, darling. He's already getting

goodies.

I was in here.

It couldn't be anything I said. What did
you say? I told her not to come back

here, Oscar. I said if she did go in, to
go in with an open mind. I yelled

cheese at Oscar.

You yelled cheese at Oscar?

Thanks a lot. Now I know how much
trouble I'm in. Why is it every time you

to help me, you end up hurting me?

You're like a vicious St. Bernard.

See what happens when you try to help
people.

Excuse me.

You did see her in the kitchen?

Yeah.

And that doesn't bother you?

What's it bother me that she's fixing a
noisemaker?

That's what you call him, huh?

The vicious St. Bernard says no more.

I'm going to take a look.

Don't go in there. Why not? If you go
in, go in with an open mind.

Get out of my face. She's a bitch!

How could you? What are you talking
about?

You, out of the huddle. And you, you
want to be ashamed of yourself. Oh,

the best form of defense is attack.

I don't have anything to defend. I know
nothing happened in the bedroom. I saw

what was happening here.

People, it's a terrible
misunderstanding. You're both such...

he plays a great game of tennis on a
mattress.

Who's talking to such a woman in the
kitchen? I never did trust you. You had

those beady little eyes. That's not
beady. That's a wince that's been there

since the day we were married.

You don't have to stay married. People,
people, please. Ah, shut up. Why don't

you get out of here? Mind your own
business.

Instead of yelling at me, the two of you
should be down on your knees thanking

your maker.

I'm afraid it's no use. The party's
over.

Believe me, I did everything in my power
to hold those two people together.

Now I just go home. It's just four.

The gospel according to St. Felix.

It's very funny, but if you two had
listened to me that night, you'd never

got a divorce.

Felix, we never belong together.

No, no, no, no. Wrong.

You do belong together.

You love each other. And leave it to me.
I'm going to get the two of you back

together again. Now, we'll eat.

The meal is on me.

So's the wine.