Original subtitles

Yeah, here we are. Come on in. Come on in, Mike.

Come on in.

Oscar?

Oh.

Oscar?

It's me, Felix.

I'm home.

Still living here, huh?

Yeah.

He's kidding.

Where are you?

In my bedroom.

Oh, he's in his room.

I better not take you in there.

You've heard of pollution?

Yeah? It started in there.

Make yourself at home. Sit down. Sit down anywhere you want. There's a good

chair. Sit there. You'll like it there. No, sit here on the stove. This is

better. It's more comfortable.

Just make yourself at home. Have a piece of fruit.

Be sure you take a napkin with it and then whatever you want. Then eat the

fruit. Then sit down over here. Use the napkin. Make yourself completely at

home. Just do whatever you want. Yeah.

Oscar? Yeah?

Hi! Hi.

Putting in your trousers, huh? Yeah, I got to come on the basketball game at

garden. Ah.

You changed your shirt.

Same one I wore yesterday. No, I mean the one on the line.

Looks nice. Gives the room a nice soft pink glow. I like it.

Very funny. What's on your mind? I'm in a hurry. Oh, you have to go cover the

basketball game, huh? Yeah.

The Hawks? No, the Knicks.

Knicks and the Hawks. Knicks and the Bucs. The Bucs and the Hawks. The Knicks

and the Bucs.

You're trying to act concerned. What is it? You want to con me out of something.

What is it?

My eyes give me away, don't they?

I'd like to give you away.

figures. What is it?

Well, you know, I've been doing the picture story over at the Eastside

for Boys.

They're a form school.

Oh, that's not nice.

A form school? They call it a correctional institution.

You found a pair, huh?

Yeah.

What do they call the little inmates now?

Muppets? Oh, no, come on. They're nice boys. They're just boys who need a

Okay, I'll send them a hacksaw. I'm in a hurry. There's one more.

Mike Callahan. He really is a deserving kid. He's a nice kid.

He's got off to the wrong start in life. He has a negative attitude.

He needs a... I can't watch this.

Are you finished? Yeah, I'm finished.

He needs an adult on the outside to take an interest in him. Someone he can

relate to. You know what I mean? Right. So, Felix, good shoes. Volunteer for the

job. I think it's very good. It's very commendable. Not exactly.

I volunteered you.

What?

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Thank you.

Why do you mind signing me up as a warden for a delinquent? What's a chit

-chit? What's a chit -chit -chit? He's out. He'll hear you. He's right out

in the other room.

You mean he escaped?

He's in my custody for the afternoon.

Oh, that's terrific.

I told him that you'd spend a few hours with him. Yes, I can. I told you I've

got to cover the basketball game.

That's wonderful. Take him with you. Look, I'm in the press box. You need

special permission.

You've got to arrange it in advance. I'll bring a gift. I can't love.

sports. He lives and breathes sports. He's a great athlete. He can run 100

in 10 seconds flat.

Carrying a television set?

Meet, meet the boy.

Mike?

Yes, Mr. Runder? Mike, I want you to meet Oscar Madison.

Oscar, this is Michael Robert Callahan Jr.

Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you. Sorry, I can't stay. I've got to cover a

basketball game.

Knicks and the Bucs. Aha!

Knicks and the Bucs and the Hawks, you see? Just a Knicks and a Bucs.

Nice to have met you. Yeah, thanks. Hey, I've got a quarter on the Knicks. They

can't lose.

Kid gambles. You bet against Alcindor, he's worth 40 points a game.

Yeah, but Earl of Pearl and Fraser will double -team him. They'll tie him up.

And the Knicks got the full -court press, too. Yeah, tie him up. Full

press. I wrote a whole article about that this morning. I know, I read it. No

kidding. I read your column every morning.

Say that.

Really? Yeah, with the reading of the column and the Knicks and the Bucs and

gambling. With a dirty shirt, he could be you.

Well, listen, what are you guys going to be doing? Oh, don't worry about us.

We'll have a ball.

We'll make some cocoa.

Play some records.

You like Brahms?

Well, that sounds like a barrel of fun. Listen, why don't you let Mike come with

me? Oh, I don't know. Well, that probably already seems to me. I'll find

him. You know, I'll see what I'll do. I'll push him around. Well, it's up to

Mike. You say, Mike, you like him? Sure would.

And he'll remember.

And someday he'll come back. And rob me.

Did you see how crazy I was making? Yeah, I could see everything from the

box. Hey, press box. You didn't tell me. Forget it, will you? Just get in the

car. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. With the shoulder. Oh, with the

shoulder. Hey, watch what you're doing.

Oh, forget the furniture. You can have fun here and knock everything over. Come

on, get into position. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Here we go, here we go. Come on, come on.

You want to play or don't you want to play? Now get into position.

Come on.

late it was. Hey, come in. How are you? Chaplain Muldoon, Oscar Madison.

Oh, yes, I read your column often. And did you have a good time this afternoon?

I sure did. Good.

Mike, we better be going. Don't forget the autographed picture of the Knicks in

my room.

Have to be so soon?

Well, I gotta get the boy back for supper. It's six o 'clock.

Hey, Mike, how's the food over there? It's great.

I'm the chaplain. I can't lie. The food is... Great idea. Why don't you let Mr.

Rongo and I take him out for dinner? We'll take him to the school afterwards.

That's a good idea. Could I come along? Oh, we'd love that. Would you? No.

I'm only joking. But Mike would love it. So have him in before ten.

It's lights out. Are you sure you won't come now? No, thanks. But you could

bring me back a doggie bag. You've got to.

Bye -bye, chaplains. He's like a nice guy. Hey, you know what? We'll take him

that steakhouse.

What's the matter? I can't go.

Why not?

I promised Ed and I'd take her shopping for new clothes this afternoon. No.

Well, anyway, I'll take him myself. I'll bet you he hasn't seen our steakhouse.

I don't know. No, I can't. I don't have time. I want a shoe. No, I've got to get

dressed. Didn't I say I wasn't going to have a basket for your wife? Can't you

be a basket for me?

One minute. All right, let's read it.

All right, come on. Not one, two, three, oh, Larry, come on and shoot it. Come

on, I feel like a pregnant woman here.

What are you doing?

They're double teaming me.

Oh! What happened?

I was fouled.

They do one of three things. They do an underhand like that, or off the chest

like that, or sometimes one hand like that. What should I do? Shoot!

Daddy, they did perfectly.

You gonna wear that to school?

Well, of course. If I don't, I'll look freaky.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I just... I just can't get used to the idea of my little angel looking

like one of the Dirty Dozen.

You don't have to salute.

Hi, Mike.

How was dinner?

Oh, it was terrific.

Uncle Oscar took me to a joint where they got terrific chili dogs and garlic

pizza. Oh, my.

Them's eats.

Everything a growing boy needs to get bad breath.

records, want to hear them? Sure, I guess so. It's okay.

I want you to hear something. I've got a new record of Mahler's Kindertot.

It's a little bit morbid. Did I see it for a second, please?

Very important. I'll tell you.

What is it with the Kindertot that the kids want

to hear rock?

Why do they want to hear junk like that? What do you mean junk? They love it.

What does that mean?

Well, Mike called you Uncle Oscar, didn't he? Oh, that doesn't mean

called a cab driver Uncle Cab Driver.

No, no. It means that he likes you and you like him.

You've got a heart after all. I got a heart and I like him. Well, he seems

a nice kid and he seems odd. He's the first kid I've ever been able to get

with. You think it's because he's a thief?

Because he needs you.

Gee, lucky Lindy made it.

No kidding.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you. I don't know. I don't want anyone to get too chummy because he does

have a record and maybe I'm doing... What are you saying?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, honestly.

Why? A man who's had the breaks, the opportunities that you've had in life to

deny those, all that kid needs is trust, someone to believe in him.

When I look at that kid, I say, there but for the grace of God go I.

Daddy, guess what? I told you never to come in here until you're 21.

It's deep.

You see?

That's what I mean by the power of rehabilitation.

I never saw that kid before this afternoon.

I trusted him. I brought him to my home. I introduced him to my daughter.

And he invited her to a dance. If that little quok thinks he's safe.

Oh, sure, Gloria. That's perfectly okay.

Having a ball.

Yeah.

Yeah, just a minute.

I'll let you in. Yeah, sure.

Say goodnight to Mom. Goodnight, Mom.

Do you hear that?

Now, she's just a little bit tired out from all the fun she's having.

Yeah. Don't worry about a thing.

Okay, fine. If Gloria, stay away from fried foods. Right.

Daddy, can I go to bed now? Of course, dear.

Don't be blue.

I know you're unhappy because you can't go to the dance, but remember,

Growing up is painful sometimes.

But pain is nature's way of making us mature.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I tell you, no joke being a father, but

a daughter like Edna, it's really hard.

upset right now.

Oscar?

Oscar, I'm trying to communicate with you.

I don't communicate with hypocrites.

Who's a hypocrite? You're a hypocrite. You're a hypocrite. I'm not a hypocrite.

All that wine wash about giving Mike a hand.

I'm not letting my little princess go to some wild party at a reform school.

Correctional institution, hypocrite. Oh, that's just a fancy expression, and you

know it. She's not ready for that wild crowd yet. They'll meet in ten years

she becomes a policewoman.

This is her first date.

I want it to be something special, Felix. This is something special. You

what I mean.

I want the fellow to be clean -cut and cultured. A little bit shy, perhaps, but

with a twinkle in his eye.

Youthful, but with an aristocratic air.

There's a law against dating your own daughter.

She's so young. She's just a baby. She's innocent.

These kids are wild.

She is no dummy. She knows the score.

Doesn't she know the score?

You mean that filth about the birds and the bees?

She doesn't know the score. She doesn't even know there's a game on, does she?

She's only 12 years old. Yes, in Africa they have tribes that have 12 -year -old

grandmothers. Bite your tongue.

Would you feel better if she knew the facts of life?

All right, get Gloria to tell her.

No. Why not? Gloria told you.

Gloria's out of town.

All right, then you tell her. Oh, no.

I'll tell her. You let her go and I'll tell her. What are you going to tell

Well, did you see Lolita?

Oh, oh.

I want her to understand, so tell her the truth. But don't make it so graphic

that it'll shock her. I want you to be blunt, the whole thing, but subtle. I

want her to be confused.

I don't get it.

Okay.

Let's forget about Mr. Bunny and Mrs. Bunny and what happened...

you're trying to score a run.

And we can't let that happen.

Yeah, see?

If the guy gets the first base, we mustn't let that happen. No.

So you've got to strike him out so he never gets the first base. Yeah, see? If

he gets the first base, he'll try to steal second. Oh.

wife to take her out, he's going to have a terrible time.

How did she know? How did she fucking know? What are you talking about? She

didn't know. I mean, she's a sensible girl. Felix, you forgot to tell her she

can go to the dance floor. No, no.

No, no. Absolutely not. How could you say that? You promised.

My little baby knows about sex.

Felix, the whole world knows about sex.

It's a very, very dangerous situation.

Oh, Felix, you've got to let her go. I guarantee you nothing's going to happen.

How can you do that?

Personally, I will chaperone the dance. How about that?

Well, I... Oh, come on.

Look, I'm your best friend. Would I let anything happen to Edna?

I... Would I?

No. Of course not. Look, I'm going to guarantee you that nothing can happen.

Here it is.

I'm going to prove it right now. What's this?

Anything. It's my market. Your market? Market. If anything happens to Edna, I

owe you one daughter.

messages for him?

Yes. Tell him not to sit down.

Now listen, if he's talking any good, I'm going to have my goons work the old

way. You got it?

Got it, Mr. Graham.

He's got a great sense of humor. What's he in for?

Nothing. He's the warden's son.

Look, there she is.

Hi, Edna.

Hi, Mike.

Edna.

Maybe there's enough way.

Flashing. When flashing comes in the door, femininity goes out the window.

and a promise to meet the first step.

Only if it's a minuet.

Go ahead, dance. Have a good time.

Remember, the umpire has not said play ball.

It's cool. Maybe everything's going to be fine. She's going to be just great.

Hope's the only thing I live for. Believe me, it's going to be fine. Here,

relax. I'll get this umpire. All right?

Here, my cupcake.

Thank you. Yes. If I ever want to sell a fridge, let me look you up, huh?

Yes. Thank you, Charlie.

Let's have a quiet, everybody.

And now, I would like to welcome all of you to our dance.

And a very special thanks to the young ladies for coming down.

Welcome, people. Come to gentlemen that have come down here to lend us a hand.

Mr. T .J. Carter, Mr. Armand Horowitz, and a very special hello. to Mr. Oscar

Madison, our chief chaperone for the evening, and a very well -known sports

writer.

I'm not going to make a speech because I'm a great believer in short sentences.

Thank you.

And now, I'd like to have you meet a friend of Mr.

Madison's, a gentleman I'm sure many of you know for his photographic work on

the premises, Mr. Felix Unger.

It was fun photographing you.

I have excellent shots of each and every boy here.

Anybody could instantly identify you.

I trust them. I just want them to know that.

Edna?

Greatest fight I've ever seen?

I'd have to say it was between two headshot girls at the Copacabana.

You want some fun? Yes.

I'm sorry to interrupt your benediction. What? This bar.

I'm counting heads. This bar just came out of a window.

Well, put it back.

Why are you counting?

Because I either count it wrong or I'm missing a few. Who's missing? Mike

Callahan, for one. Mike Callahan? Uh -huh. He's with Edna.

I don't see them. What? He ran out with my little girl.

Well, take it easy. I saw it over there. Where? Over there. Right over there.

This is a bust -out.

Nobody move!

Nobody move!

I'm placing this entire room under citizen's arrest.

Mr. Offender, control yourself.

You! Search the laundry shop.

You!

Cupcake! Spit in your guts!

And you! Pray!

Hey, I've got an announcement to make, you know. Will you let him make the

announcement, please? Ransom? No.

of East Side School for Boys has selected the queen of our annual dance.

That's the thing we most like to break out with.

special thanks for the kind of compassion we all need. And

now, Your Majesty, the grand dance of the evening.

You may select the partner of your choice.

I promise.

Thank you, Your Highness.

Your turn.

She takes after her parents.

Her father's an old lady.

the corsage and we went to the dance.

So I took her home.

I didn't try to kiss her or anything like that. I was a perfect gentleman.

I've never forgotten her.

I bet she did.