Original subtitles

Thank you.

Seriously?

Caught me, didn't you?

Caught you what?

Dealing your money.

Don't worry. Go back to sleep.

You still have half an hour.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Did I see you taking money from my pocket?

Yes. I did?

Yes. I mean, you were stealing money from me. That's what I saw.

Yes. Yes, that's your confession. You were a thief. Yes? Yes.

You want some eggs?

Well, you're going to be an egg in a minute.

Where are you stealing money from?

If you're going to shout at me like that, I won't even discuss it with you.

I'm sorry.

How long has this been going on?

About two years.

Drink your juice.

No, it gives me acid indigestion.

And how much have you stolen?

About $2 ,000.

Two to get a pitch. What did

you spend it on?

What, tissues?

Vacuum cleaners?

How dare you?

How dare me?

You accuse me of pilferage. for personal aggrandizement.

Well, what did you do with the money? Give it to nasal research?

I'd hate to be like you.

I really would. You're so suspicious.

I was saving it for you.

You put it away for me?

Yeah.

Oh, you know what? You were saving it for me for my future. How dare you?

Give me the money. I don't have the money on me. It's in the bag. What bag?

First federal savings and loans earning interest every day. Except tomorrow.

Whose name is it on? Yours or mine?

Well, yours, of course. It wouldn't be ethical to put it in my name.

Oh, tell me about ethics. Sneaking the night thief through the pockets.

Who are you calling?

Thank you for opening at this hour in the morning.

Hello. Let me talk to Harry, please. It's Oscar Madison. Who's Harry? We'll

Which Harry? Hello, Harry.

Listen, I got $2 in the fifth on that name. Right, Harry? But now I got...

be a lesson to you. Why?

Crime doesn't pay.

That's a nice name. It's Red Dog. Red Dog. Red Dog. Red Dog. And the winner

is... Red Dog. I won.

I won.

I won. I won. I won. I'm so happy for you, Oscar. Now, don't spend it all in

same place. Why not? I won it all in the same place. I told you to bet with me.

Why didn't you? No, Oscar, I'm sorry. I never bet on the ponies. There's only

one sport I bet on. What's that?

Professional wrestling.

bird flew through my window.

What did they?

420. I won $4 ,200.

Listen, don't go away. I'm coming right down. What'd you say? What? Wait a

minute. I can't hear you. The mockingbird is back. Hold it, will you?

What?

Felix picked up the money.

How could he do that? The horse just won the race.

He was waiting there.

And he insisted on new bills because the flu was going around.

Felix picked up the money.

Oh, he's a thrall guy.

I wish Felix was my best friend.

How do you want him, dead or alive?

Come on, Oscar, let me go. My squad car's been double parked for three

Drink your milk. Drink the milk.

How's it gonna look, a police car with a ticket on it?

Besides, I'm being derelict in my duties.

You're better off. It's a rough...

I should warn you, anything you say can be used as evidence against you.

What's the charge?

Hi, Jackie.

What airline?

When you find out what I've done with your money, you're going to be thrilled.

I'm going to give you exactly 30 seconds to thrill me with what you did with my

money. I invest in what?

In something as solid as the Rock of Gibraltar and rooted in the basic needs

the American people.

What? A Japanese restaurant.

Why, somebody's sleeping?

It's the customer. Don't be the ugly American.

Put your shoe back on.

You've got a hole in your sock.

Felix, I don't like Japanese foods. I don't know anything about a restaurant.

You don't have to know anything about it.

You're a silent partner. Watch this.

This is the authentic Japanese cooking.

They prepare the food at the table. Can they afford a kitchen?

You must give me my money back. I'm going to call the Bunko Squad.

Will you sit down with me?

The César position.

What is that?

Arigato. Hello, Arigato.

Hello.

Hot, hot. What's the point of this?

Wipe your hands. It's hot. I washed my hands before I came here.

Arigato.

Bye, Arigato.

Nice.

Get me out of here.

Why? I don't know anything about this joint.

I put you into anything that I haven't gone into myself.

I put $4 ,000 of my own money in this. Who stole the money from your pocket? I

know. There's not even food here.

Why did we have to cut us in so quick?

Ah, the inscrutable Mr. Under. Ah, my friend, Mr. Yamada.

Yamada -san, nice to see you.

This is my friend, Mr. Madison, the other silent partner, Mr. Yamada. How do

do, sir? Mr. Madison, I'm very happy to meet you. May the wind of change bring

bird of luck.

Thank you. Welcome to the Echo Garden. I stand up, but I'm afraid I couldn't get

down again.

Now, explain your... Uncle!

Uncle!

Ring, ring, ring, ring. Uncle!

Uncle?

Ah, it is telephone for Mr. Felix Uncle.

It is in the kitchen.

Yes. Madison, explain the improvements you planned to Madison's son.

He is a nervous sparrow in a nest of gold.

Very fine gentleman.

In Japan, he would be considered most honorable man.

Over here, he's considered a pest.

Flea. Lush.

I really don't want to be a partner. See, Mr. Anger had no right to invest my

money without talking to me about it, you see. The flight of a lost bird is at

the mercy of the wind, Mr. Man. Everybody's talking about birds, but

talking about my... Why?

Lost in the wind.

Buying many improvements.

This is... how it would be at the end of six weeks. Huh?

New rooms, air conditioning, bigger garden.

With your money, Miyako Gardens will become number one Japanese restaurant in

the entire city.

Well, couldn't you be number two and try a little harder? Oscar, guess what?

That was my daughter on the phone. She only has two cavities.

Must be that new toothpaste we're using.

Now you know why it's considered a pest.

Mr. Madison, the bird that make an extra egg.

Forget that. Let me speak your language without use of bird.

In this room alone, I take in eight, maybe 900 a week. Again?

No. From week, I break a thousand.

I have a takeout trade that is dynamite with the college crowd.

They think it is hip to eat nip.

Now, with money from... You and Mr.

Unger, I can triple my profits in three months, six tops.

You like the ponies, don't you? Oh, yeah, I love them. Here is gambling

for you.

Mr. Yamada, you talk very nice, but if it's such a good thing, how come you're

cutting it?

Mr. Unger and I have been close friends for many years.

Hey, you've been selling him those cameras?

They're not close.

We met one night on a beautiful tropical island.

I never forget. Beautiful place.

Warm breeze.

Palm trees swaying.

Come on, I'm here. The place is crawling with myths.

You guys go ahead. I'll catch up. I'm just tidying up a little.

1650295. Yes!

Why are you here?

Where are they?

According to the Articles of War, I don't have to tell you anything more.

This Article of War wants to know why you're here or wrong.

Well, I was policing up the area.

I think you fellas ought to do the same. We passed through one of your base

camps.

Place is a mess. Remember, this is not our island. We're only guests here.

You shut mouth.

Vichyssoise. Vichyssoise?

Vichyssoise.

It's a cold potato soup sprinkled with leek. Believe me, it was no easy job to

find leek on this island.

May I remind you that there are serious breach of regulations to confiscate

personal property.

You're supposed to sip it slowly.

It's good, isn't it?

I have not eaten in week.

I have been rost.

Lost? Rost.

place was just infested with nips. Uh, with, uh, you people.

I'll believe everything you hear.

They told me I'd be making rub to Betty Grabo on White House Rowan by Christmas.

Food in here? No, no, that's just garbage. Leave it alone.

I've got some food here. I've got a fish. I've got some vegetables.

Ah, you give me.

If you'll be patient, I'll fix you something.

I can't cook with a gun pointing at me. Why don't you sit down like a nice guy

and relax?

How'd you get lost?

I was a kamikaze pirate.

I got nervous and make a safe landing.

Why didn't you go back?

They only gave me one -way map.

Maybe you can be my prisoner and come with us.

Maybe.

First I see how I like your cooking.

Are all Americans like you?

No, but I'm especially nice.

I feel it's important to present America in a good light to all our neighbors,

friendly and otherwise.

Are you with the Red Cross?

No. Are they here, too? I've seen a lot of half -eaten donuts around.

How do you like your fish?

Raw.

Don't be silly. You like it the way I cook it.

No, I like it raw.

That's a good way to catch hepatitis.

Absolutely not. I'm the host.

I have garden. I have the fish.

You get it all, you little Yankee dog.

And that is the first time in my life I ever ate a cooked fish.

Did you get hepatitis? No.

See, he was right again.

We have been friends ever since.

Look, Mr. Yamada, I'm going to level with you. I know that you're honest and

you're sincere and honorable, but I had other plans for my money.

Yeah, I want to buy a fantastic car, a 58 Maserati. I know where I can get one

for four grand.

I would like to invite you to the back, to my parking lot.

Why, what's there? A brand new Maserati, this year's model, which I buy from the

problems in this business.

You're making a lot of sense.

You see these four?

They did.

Twice a week.

Live ones, huh? Yeah. Hey, that's great.

No, thanks. Excuse me. Felix, I owe you an apology. I may owe you one.

Yuma -san, may I speak to you, please, about the condition of your kitchen? Of

course. What could be?

Will you come with me, please? Did you see his new Maserati?

It's on the floor of the kitchen. I've seen it.

Oh, boy.

You,

entertainment! No, my folk went to sleep.

Look at this.

There's food everywhere. There's meat, fish on the floor, on the table,

everywhere. But it is dinner time. It's busy in here. We'll clean everything up.

It's not the cleanliness factor. It's the way the old man cooked.

This is Chosan, one of the best. Chosan, meet Mr. Ungar.

Hello. How are you?

I'm fine.

He is from Stanford.

Can't you tell him not to waste so much food?

But this is the way we make Harusame soup. It's our biggest setup.

Look at this. 20 % of the food goes on the floor. This is waste.

Go slowly. Put everything in the pot neatly.

He cannot understand you, Mr. Angan.

Then I'll speak to him in his own language.

Let's say you take this poor kitchen in. It doesn't matter.

But he's quitting. He is leaving. Good. Let him go. We'll get another cook

tomorrow. Tonight, you'll cook.

Oh, no. I cannot cook. I could not cook on Guadalcanal. I have not improved

things. What's going on? The old man out there choking a chicken.

There's nothing to get excited about. Nothing at all to get excited about.

I'll cook tonight. Send the waiter in. I'll give him his orders. No, no. He is

gone. He is the nephew of the old man.

They're both gone, I'm sure.

Felix, what are you doing to my investment? They both quit.

Don't worry about it. I'll cook tonight.

You two will work as waiters. You make mistake.

I am not waiter here. I am boss here. As Kurosawa say, you make sleeping place,

now lay in it.

This is right for a silent partner. You got a big mouth.

Very stubborn.

Sir, make up with him. You're old friends. Go ahead.

I am now silent partner.

Don't be a bad bird.

As they say, we are what we eat. Then your friend is a meatball.

You see? Nothing to worry about. Nothing. Everything's going to be fine.

better.

Chicken who invests friends' money and lose it get propped.

Well, he told me. Oh, I'm replacing him tonight. Don't worry about anything.

Everything's going to be just as good as it always was. Don't worry. Am I not

authentic? No, but you dangerous.

Ah -so.

Ah -so.

Ah -so.

Ah -so. Ah -so.

Ah -so. Ah -so.

How's everything going? Everything's going fine. I'm making unagi. I need

shrimp, some crab, and some bamboo shoots.

Look at all those knives.

They're big. They want authentic food? They're going to get it.

Can't you do that with a wooden spoon?

Hey, this is great. What is that?

Eel.

I'm the first aid kit.

It's all right. Keep calm. Just an accident.

Just an accident.

It can happen to anybody. It was the soy oil on my hands.

We'll pay for your purse, madam.

Sit down.

Sit down.

It's coming along now. I'm getting the hang of it. It's coming nice and fast.

What happened? What happened? Nothing. Nothing at all. Everything's working out

beautifully. I'm getting the hang of it now. Hey, wait till you see who I got to

help us. Come on in.

You told I, uh... I'll talk to you later.

Come on, now, you've got to help us. You've got to go in and stop him. He's

a knife in the wall. He cut a woman's purse.

I'm telling you, if you don't stop him, you're going to see the first stainless

steel samurai.

Come on, he can't cook those dishes.

He make me lose face.

Well, if you don't help him, you're going to lose shirt.

It's good, huh?

Everything's fine now.

Do you see the smoke?

Can you smell it? I can smell it in Japan.

That's part of the meal.

What do you serve for dessert? A fire extinguisher?

This is good.

This is good.

Where's Murray? I need some sesame oil.

Murray! Murray, quick!

I need some sesame oil. Hurry! Murray!

Murray! These aren't bean sprouts. Those are pea pods. I need bean sprouts.

Hurry! Hurry!

You only brought me three eggs. I need six eggs. Three eggs just for you. You

did

it again. You had to go bring the show off.

Well, I don't think it was my food that made them leave.

Well, you threw the knife on the wall. That's what did it.

I'm not the one who went through the door.

Let's put it this way. They had no reason to stay.

Air conditioning.

Nice hole in the wall. Nice decoration.

Charcoal eel.

No more customers, which is okay because I no longer have any help. That's a

nice value.

And it got even for Pearl Harbor.

Is there any way we can make it up to you? No, sir. It was an accident. Look,

we'll send you a check.

No, no.

I'll send you a check. Oh, no, no. We wouldn't think of accepting payment for

tonight's work.

Felix, I don't think you insist on that.

I meant I'll send you a check to release you from your obligations as partners.

I think I will get a real silent partner.

Maybe Howard Hughes.

My son, is this going to affect our friendship?

Oh, not at all. Our friendship is ended.

Sorry, sir.

It was an accident.

We'll leave. We won't bother you anymore.

Terrible, sir. I'm sorry, Your Honor. You know how my... Before we leave,

there's one thing I did want to say to you.

These lanterns, these are not Japanese lanterns. These are Chinese.

I bet for you.