Original subtitles

I don't know what it is, Oscar, but there's a different kind of feeling

this place tonight.

The difference is Felix isn't here. It's an anxiety -free poker game. How long

are you going to be gone? One week. One delicious week of pizza, enchiladas, and

a marvelous taste of cardboard cards.

I knocked over my drink. Don't worry about it. We'll make mud pies.

How'd these coasters get on the table?

Tonight we live, live, live. I can't live, live, live unless you bet, bet,

Hey, do me a favor and smoke for New Jersey, will you? Come on.

Okay. Three cards for you.

Hello?

No, wait, no. He's in Acapulco.

About a week.

Any message?

Sure.

Yeah, well, if he calls, I'll tell him.

Okay, bye -bye.

Who was it? It was the director of Sunshine City for senior citizens. Oh,

did he want you to cover, the shuffleboard tournament?

Very funny, no?

He and his grandfather and grandmother had a fight. They split up. The old man

took off.

Imagine that. They've been married over 50 years.

50 years? Gee, I wonder what happened.

Maybe one of them got a new pair of glasses.

He ought to call Phoenix and Acapulco and tell him. No, I wouldn't bother him.

Where's an old guy like that going to go? He probably went down to one of

massage parlors. He'll be back in 20 minutes.

Hey, baby, that's Felix. Bite your tongue.

Hello, son.

Little Felix here?

No, he's not.

You must be Grandpa Unger. That's right. Well, come on in, sir. Come on in. You

sure it's all right? Of course it's all right. Give me your bag. I'm glad you're

all right. Hey, Felix is Grandpa. They came here.

Hi, Grandpa.

I wouldn't want to be any trouble to anybody.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Felix Unger.

Yeah, Unger. U -N -G -E -R.

Sale la casa?

Hey, Oscar, that means he went out.

Thanks, Pancho.

Celebrator, leave word. What do you want me to call back?

My name is Madison. Yeah, tell him to call his casa here when he gets back.

Right.

How about that?

I got an 80 -year -old runaway.

Felix is out salating his casa.

I thought this was going to be fun week.

Well, maybe you won't stay long.

What did you think he had in those two big suitcases? Denture powder?

Remember when Felix showed up here the night his wife kicked him out? How

depressed he was, you remember? Yeah, he even tried to kill himself.

Come on, fellas, don't remind me. I don't want to have to answer that again.

Ready for action.

Change into my comfies.

I feel like a young man in a bachelor pad.

With all the young bucks.

I'll bet $2 on this. Let's go.

Let's see what you got.

Well, unless something's running wild, those three aces are going to be hard to

beat.

The trouble is, you don't have a poker face.

I'll work on it.

Ah, this brings back memories.

After 57 years, I'm a free man. I should have done this years ago.

It's smoking. It's smoking.

There you go.

That's smart, huh? Playing for keepsies? Oh, and take homesies?

Tax freebies.

Well, it's awful nice of you fellas to watch your drinks. And you already got a

great big stain there.

Oh, I'm not at all.

Up to me, I bet $2 a guest. Okay.

Let's see what you got.

What? Yeah.

Three queens.

to live to it again.

All right, man.

Game broke up. I'll show you later, huh? Yeah. Oh, packing to go home, huh?

Well, I think it's a sensible thing to do. No, I'm unpacking to stay.

I've got no place to go. My Mimi threw me out.

Tossed me a tie like the wrapper on a fudge bar.

Can't be that serious. Why did she throw you out?

Jealousy. You were fooling around?

I was jealous of her.

Nobody fooled around with me.

But her, they voted her Miss Needlepoint.

And her entry was rotten. It had a house with a crooked chimney.

And she winked at the judge.

And they gave her the prize.

She just had something in her eye.

You tell me that and I'll tell you another.

What about her and the golf probe?

You have a golf course down there?

Two holes.

Spitting image of Lawrence Welk.

Don't sit on the bed, you'll mess the spread.

Tell me about the golf group.

Well, last night she didn't come home from the tournament till almost nine o

'clock. Then he gave her a lift in his car and it ran out of current.

I accused her of adultery.

On a golf cart?

She threw me out, said I was a paranoid, jealous lunatic.

Now she's exaggerating. No.

she isn't.

Well, look, I mean, it sounds like a simple case of misunderstanding.

Why don't you call her? Why don't you call her right now?

She doesn't want me.

Then I'll call her. She doesn't want you either.

Tonight's bingo night.

I'm glad I'm not there to see that.

See what?

Beans. Did you say beans?

Beans. They move her bingo beans for her.

How'd you like to sit there and watch four guys move your wife's beans around?

By one good night's sleep, you're going to forget about the whole thing. You'll

want to go back to it. You sound as if you want to get rid of me, too. No, no,

stay as long as you want to stay. Listen, I did have some special plans

week, but... Can't you make believe I'm not here? I won't bother anybody. Oh,

I'm sure you won't. Okay. Oscar? Yeah?

You seem like a peppy sort.

Don't let me bring you down.

Okay, Grandpa.

Good night.

You don't know what it's like living with a depressed old man for three days.

Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar.

Well, look, tonight we'll all be over for the big poker game. That ought to

cheer you up. I've got to tell you, there isn't any poker game tonight.

Why? Because of Grandpa.

9 .30, he goes to bed.

At 10 o 'clock, you can't use the bathroom because he needs it every 10

Smoke bothers him. If you make any noise, it wakes him up. He comes out,

the game, and announces my cards.

Okay, we'll have the game at my house. All you guys come over.

Are you kidding? I can't. I'm afraid to leave him alone.

All he does is sit there and cry.

It's like living with Johnny Ray.

I'm not crying. He's cleaning.

You think Felix was neat? I'm living with his guru.

the cops.

They come for me. It's not a cop, it's Murray.

You remember from the poker game?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I didn't recognize your face.

You didn't recognize that face?

Yeah, you're the fellow with the high cheekbones, aren't you?

Well, just enjoy yourselves, fellas.

Don't pay any attention to me.

Try to eat over the table. I just vacuumed the room.

Yeah, you're a nice boy.

Room across the hall from mine, full of all kinds of... That's my bedroom.

Oh, well.

Well, I'll have it all spick and span before you... No, no, I can't allow you

go in there.

If you don't know your way around, you can get hurt.

I would consider it a challenge. I'm sorry, I can't let you go. Even Felix

go in there. I'm sorry, I must be adamant about that. I believe I can do

justice. No, sir. Please.

No, I say please.

What's the matter now?

Cleaning is my therapy.

It's all I have left.

And I'll go drown my sorrows in detergent.

He came all the way from Sunshine City

to rain on my parade.

Oh, yes, I remember him.

He's a regular down here, isn't he? Yeah.

I'm stacking out up at this place. Oh.

Yeah.

And I want you to see my army discharge.

It's signed by Pershing himself.

Oh, Black Jack Pershing.

They don't make it like that anymore.

Oh, no.

And that's all she wrote.

Well, Albert, it seems to me like you've had a rich, full...

And got a wonderful family. Yeah.

All except for my butterflying wife.

Kicked me out in the street.

Are you sure that she got frisky with that golf pro?

Yeah. She's also a recreation director down there, and I know his recreation.

I didn't buy Mimi in a cart.

Yeah, maybe she should have just turned him down.

She claims you turned down one of those babies, and no more badminton.

Did those old folks play badminton down there? Well, it's not a very rough game.

You play 40 on the side.

We just do it to raise a little breeze.

May I? Oh, thank you so much.

Well, I personally like a jealous man.

You do?

Better than my Maury.

God rest his soul.

My Maury was a drinker. Oh.

I'd rather have him green -eyed than pie -eyed.

Yes, sir, I'll take a jealous man any time.

You know, I think it shows character.

You know something, Loretta?

I like you.

You cheer me up. Oh, I like you too, Albert.

Oh, since we're getting along so nicely, should we fluff and fold together?

I'd adore it.

Gin. Nine point and dot.

Six.

Six? Six, six, six. What's the matter with you? Trust me, one, two, what am I

on? Sesame Street, six.

Well, that gives me two more boxes and that's a Schneider, Oscar. Deal,

Schneider, deal.

You know, I had a great uncle once. Yeah?

Yeah, 90 years old.

of this street like a gloomy grandpa to look forward to. Okay, boys.

Whoopee! What does that mean?

I've got great news.

You're leaving. You're going back to your wife. Where? Right now.

I got me a date for tonight. A date? She lives right in this building. Her name

is Loretta Spoon.

What a knockout!

She's built it.

And here's every word you say.

Listen, if you've got a date, then we can play poker tonight, huh? You can

all night as far as I'm concerned.

I've got me a date.

I may get lucky.

He's been dressing all day.

Couldn't you go out with him just for tonight?

No, I'm sorry. You see, I have a steady gentleman friend.

Maybe I should have mentioned that.

I hope you don't think I'm leading your roommate on. Roommate? Oh, he's not my

roommate. Well, you tell him that I am very proud to know a man who served

Black Jack Pershing.

And you tell him I'm sorry I can't go out on a date.

Oh, I hope I didn't ruin anybody's plans.

I'm really not a tease.

rum turns me on.

I wanted to talk to you about that date tonight. I don't really think you ought

to go. Why not?

I'm of legal age.

Enough for four men.

Oh, I've got a kick full of simoleons, and I'm gonna blow it.

Yeah, but I mean, you're a married man. Do you think it's the right thing to do?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to waltz Loretta Wright down to Sunshine City.

And show Mimi I've still got my charisma.

I have some good news for you and some bad news. Yeah? You haven't lost your

charisma. I mean, you've got that.

But you don't have a date either.

Why?

Well, Loretta was just here.

Well, she said she was being nice to cheer you up. It's nothing against you.

It's just that she has a steady boyfriend.

The elevator man.

What? It's the elevator man. They can't fool me.

Every time I looked up, they were exchanging glances.

Oh, now, look, don't get jealous. It has nothing to do with you. The fellows

will be over any minute. Why don't you come and play poker with us, huh? No.

Look, I won't deal you any queens.

I'll stay in here and clean up a little, take a couple of showers.

Life goes on. You've already taken three showers. You're going to shrivel up.

alone, Oscar. Just... You sure you'll be all right? I'm fine, fine.

Okay.

I knew it.

It's thrown over again.

It's twice in one century.

Murray, why don't you sit down when you're dealing, huh?

Because I can't see over all these chips.

to borrow something from Oscar to take him home in.

Don't you use your nose.

Telephone.

Hello?

Yeah, Murray, you.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Hey, no matter who it is, you're not leaving this room.

Yes.

Yellow?

Hey, guys, I gotta leave the gate. You're not leaving here, Murray. I gotta

This is my sergeant. There's a leaper in the neighborhood.

A leaper? What's a leaper? That's a suicide jumper.

Sarge, what's the address?

Uh -huh.

Oscar, where's 1049 Park Avenue?

This is 1049 Park Avenue.

What floor, Sarge?

The 11th floor.

At the police academy, I got an A in leapers.

Don't worry, I'm just saying, Grandpa, don't jump. Think of all the people who

love you. Think of your wife in Sunshine City.

Dumbo, that's where he's jumping.

Don't jump, Grandpa.

Oscar, help me.

Don't jump.

Don't look down.

Now he tells me. Easy after. Look, nothing much of a bargain.

Don't lean back against the building. It's dirty.

Don't look. You can't move.

Why are

you

so sad?

Your wife should be here any minute. You know that's what you want.

Don't sit there like Willie Loman. It's all arranged.

It won't work.

As soon as I see her, I'll ruin it. I know it.

Why?

Because of my insane jealousy.

As soon as I see her, I run amok.

I'm an animal.

That's ridiculous.

You're not too old to change.

You know what we're going to do, Grandpa?

What? We're going to rehearse.

I'm going to be Mimi. You be you. We'll see what you say when I come in, okay?

You'll be Mimi? Yeah.

Don't lie.

Use your imagination. We're going to pretend. I want to see if we can correct

the wrong things, okay? I'm Mimi. Right. Okay. Here we go.

Right. Okay.

Ring the bell and I'm in.

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi.

Why'd you wear that dress? You know I hate it.

What dress?

A brown print with a plunging neckline.

I'm wearing a brown print with a plunging neckline? What do you call it?

You're imagining too good.

I'm Mimi and I'm not wearing anything.

I'm wearing the dress that you like. Well, I like the blue dress. Oh, forget

dress. You're going to be here soon. Come on, let's try again, all right?

Ring, and I'm in.

Hello, Albert. So nice to see you. I haven't slept since you left.

You haven't shaved either.

Oh, you're going to cut it out. Now, come on, let's try.

When Oscar called me, I came right over. I caught the first bus.

You try to pick up the bus driver as usual?

Weak in his rearview mirror. I know your style.

No, no.

Why are you attacking me like that?

Oh, no. I know. Wait a minute. I'm going to show you.

You be Mimi. I'll be you. I'll show you what you should do.

I'll be Mimi? You be Mimi. Yes. Okay, you got it? I got it. Okay. Don't

I got the stairs. We don't have that much time.

Sorry, I wore the brown print. I threw myself into the fire. Forget that, will

you?

I'm awfully sorry, Mimi, that I have been jealous.

I know I have no right to be jealous and I shouldn't be jealous. I know I can

trust you. No, you have every right to be jealous.

The minute your back was turned, I've been throwing myself at every man in

Sunshine City.

I'm no good. You shouldn't trust me. I'm Rob. No,

I say that. Yeah, but who are you when you say that?

I...

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Mimi.

See, I told you she'd wear the brown fridge.

Oh, look, I pinned it up. See? Doesn't it look better?

Yes.

How'd the bingo game go last night?

I won.

Of course you won. How much help did you get from your admirers?

I'm sorry.

I'm only jealous because you're so beautiful.

Can you forgive me?

Oh, Albert.

Well,

I tell you, it's great to go away from home and just come back.

Playing gin, huh?

Let's see what you got.

You could gin if you had a pour.

not for the poor.