Original subtitles

Oscar, I'm home. From work.

Hi.

I picked up some Danish at the Jewish bakery.

We're going to parade?

Did the window washer come?

Yeah. Phoenix, I'm kind of loaded down with deadlines, so kind of leave me

alone, will you?

Do a good job.

because we're paying these days. Every window should be sparkly.

Oscar, look at that.

What now?

Look at that smudge. They're terrible. It's just as bad as before.

So we're on the 11th floor. Who's going to see the flying nun?

Did you inspect his work?

No. He stayed on his side of the window. I stayed on mine. He didn't inspect

mine either.

You'd be done for living in a dump.

You may be happy looking out filthy windows. I'm not. Close the drapes. I'm

busy, will you?

He told that you didn't care, so he did a sloppy job.

Not as sloppy as I'm doing. I'm getting out of here. Go ahead. Go on. Fifty

pounds. I should be used to your indifference by now.

Do you know there's ketchup on the windowsill?

I'm going to be out in a few bars. Maybe I'll remember it.

Go on. Get out of here.

Let Felix do the dirty work. He's used to it.

You're shaming the neighbors.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

the windows in the downstairs apartment?

Give me your hand.

Give me your hand.

I got you.

I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you.

I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, you saved my life. What were you doing?

Oh, I was reaching for a smudge on the windowpane.

You could have been a smudge on the sidewalk.

Oh, Oscar, I thought I was a goner.

You know something? What? My whole life passed before me.

I remember where I lost my skate key.

Your skate key?

When I was 11 years old, I lost my roller skate key.

My father was so mad at me.

When I was hanging out there, I remember where I put it.

Under the icebox pad.

I'll bet it's still there.

Good. We'll go to Toledo and take a look. Look, I want to go back there.

please. I'm so cold.

Maybe I need a little drink.

You are.

Oh, Oscar.

It's a terrible thing to be so close to death.

Suddenly you're face to face with a grim reaper.

I tell you, kiddo, I'm shaking.

I'm shaking. Drink this, kid.

I remember.

I remember my first girlfriend in school.

Big Bertha, we called her.

She used to chase me home with a stick.

I remember my best friend in the first grade. His name was Orville Kruger.

He had a strange -shaped head.

His mother used to let out one side of his hat.

If I get another big Bertha and you're lopsided crazy, I gotta go to work. I'm

cold. I'm just cold. Oh, Oscar.

If it hadn't been for you, it would have been bye -bye hunger.

Bye -bye hunger. No, Oscar.

I'll never forget you for this. Never.

I owe you my life. I'll pay you back.

You want to pay me back? Pass down, will you, so I can go back to work.

Maybe I'll get a little nap.

I'll forget the horror I've been through.

It's a bad truck. Oh. It'll be okay. It'll work out. Will you do me a favor?

Anything. Just what do you want?

Wipe the ketchup off the windowsill.

What are you doing?

I just want coffee. No, no, no, no, no.

Coffee is not enough for a hero.

I've prepared a special breakfast for you. I want an egg.

Benedict.

You don't have time for eggs, Benedict. They just have an egg bed.

Come on, William. If you're still on the grateful kick, cut it out. You're going

to make me very fat. Oscar, when one man has saved another man's life,

gratitude, believe me, comes easily.

Now, I have a surprise for you. What?

Here's something I prepared last night.

tribute to you.

My humble way of showing my gratitude to a great guy.

And that's not all.

Fine perfume?

Yes. You smell like a log cabin.

I'm still happy to be here away from that pest.

What pest?

My roommate. I love you. I love my office. I love my desk.

What happened to my desk?

Nice, huh?

What do you mean nice? It's all clean and there's flowers there. What is it, a

desk or a park?

Well, it was so cluttered and you couldn't find anything, so... Now I

anything. I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Where'd you put my cigars?

In the...

Left drawer.

Left drawer's locked. Where my cigars are. Why is it locked? Where my cigars

are. I need a cigar.

Try one of these instead.

It's for Bill Castro. Smoke a carrot.

This is ridiculous.

Now, what's going on?

Well, that's what I told them. Told who? Who did you tell? You told who?

Nobody. Talk, honey, talk.

You better talk. Remember, you still have folks up in La France.

Talk with Felix. Felix beat you, didn't he? It was Felix, wasn't it? Talk to us.

What's Felix?

a place to hide.

You're the best secretary I ever had.

Disorganized, sloppy, lazy.

Now he's ruined you.

I don't feel too bad he's ruined me, too.

But he said you saved his life.

Yeah, and for that he's trying to kill me.

Where's the stuff you took from my desk?

I put it in a box. Yeah, well, bring it in, will you?

Where things went. What is that?

Slut.

I mean it sincerely. I want you to put me down any time you want to. Tell me

what you want or I'll put you down with this.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm an awful pain in the neck to you sometimes.

Well, anyway, I realize that playing the sax was... It falls so far short of any

kind of decent tribute to you that I... What is it?

Look, Adam.

What I want to do...

Buy time on a local radio station and have this taped so that people

will know what kind of guy you really are.

The following is a commercial announcement for Oscar Madison.

show R means risk and he took a big one

M -A -D is what he gets

Must be some legal recourse. He's a public nuisance. Give me protection.

Oscar, it's not a crime to do things for people. Now, should he commit a crime,

I'd be happy to arrest him for it. Well, will you look the other way if I kill

him?

Oscar, I'm a policeman, so please don't ask for any favors.

I haven't slept since that night.

He comes into my room every hour on the hour to see if I'm all right. He feels

my forehead. He takes my pulse.

Oh, gee, that's swell.

It ain't swell.

If I went to live with my grandmother, I'd move to Poughkeepsie. My luck, so am

I.

Murray! Hi!

A pleasant surprise.

You staying for dinner?

Well, I'd love to, but I can't. What are we having?

Wienerschnitzel. For a wonderful man.

Gee, I wish I could speak another language.

for you to save a fortune in alimony payments.

Oh. I spoke to the Internal Revenue Service.

Internal Revenue?

They're going over your tax returns for a new alimony settlement.

You don't mean the Internal Revenue? Yes.

Starting tomorrow, they're going to pull all your tax returns for the past five

years. I'll bet they find plenty.

Dummy, you didn't do it for me. I did.

I did.

I'll bet I save you $1 ,000 a year at least.

Well, Phyllis, they're going to kill me. You know how I keep working.

worry. Just remember, somebody right here likes you.

I got a great idea.

What? You know what? Turn the tables on him like on a TV show that I saw last

week. It was hilarious.

What happened?

The same thing happened to the star that happened with you with Felix.

Now, you know what he did? What?

First, he pretended.

Like his life needed saving, you see?

Then when the other joker saved his life, that evens the score.

Funny, huh? What do you mean funny? That makes a lot of sense. Tell me how he

did it. How'd he do it? Well, he choked on a chicken bone.

wake is over.

Okay.

Listen.

I am so grateful to you for calling me up and telling me you wanted chicken.

Because there are so many things I want to do for you, but I don't know where to

start.

And this way you help me. Not that you have to.

Because anything you want, anything, no matter how wild, no matter how far out,

if you want it, ask for it, buddy.

Got it.

Shut up.

Where's the chicken?

Please, where's the chicken?

Speak, only if you're going to tell me where the chicken is.

The chicken is in the bucket.

Get it, because human males... What's this sudden urge for chicken? I don't

know, I just had a yin for it.

I never knew you to eat chicken that didn't come in a bucket.

Oh, I like that man's face. I trust it. I just want a cold -cooked chicken.

Forget the reason, Oscar Madison.

You asked for it.

What kind of chicken is that?

Chicken cartarelli.

I just want a plain chicken. Plain chicken is for a plain man.

You're far from a plain man, Oscar.

You inspired this. I think it's the best I ever made.

Boneless chicken.

You know what's going to happen, don't you? You're going to fall asleep. You're

going to get your clothes all wrinkled.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pa.

You know what I'll do?

I'll get up early in the morning and press them.

Good night, lifesaver.

Good night, lifesaver.

I'm going to throw him out.

I'm going to get him to save me the way I saved him.

I can't explain it. I'll call later. Bye -bye, honey.

Hey, Felix.

Listen, you can empty the trash can now. I finished typing.

Thank you, Oscar.

Gee, I want to see the Big Dipper because it's out tonight. I don't want

it. You want me to photograph it for you? When you come back, you're nice.

right.

Gee, you need a new basket, don't you?

I'll buy you a nice wicker one.

I'll take a course and weave you one.

coming back. Get out of here, will you? I just came by to see if the chicken

bone thing worked. No, I made boneless chicken.

Well, it won't work without a bone, Oscar.

Bye -bye, Murray. Go take some graft, will you?

Pick up another copy of yesterday's column because the printer lost a couple

pages. So what are you going to undress for? Come on, I'll give it to you right

now.

under one condition.

If I save your life, you'll never thank me for saving your life again.

Okay, come on.

from this experience.

How many times in life do you come face to face with the ultimate reality?

La comedia è finita.

I'll tell you frankly, I've never considered the possibility of Felix

dying. I have.