Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hiya, buddy. Having breakfast?

Thank you.

Tastes good.

Thank you.

Are your sinuses acting up again?

What? What's the matter?

What happened?

Looks like we've been robbed.

They took my tape recorder, all my notes.

What?

What is it?

Oh,

what a time.

What happened to you?

Oh, nothing.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

They even took my Washington Centennial cookbook.

My luck, gourmet robbers.

Let me make sure I got the description you gave me, Felix.

Two male Caucasians, both about six feet.

One had mud on his shoes and a tomato stain on his shirt.

The other one needed a haircut.

Oh, Murray, it was so frightening to walk into your apartment and see two

criminals ransacking the place. I said to them, this is the most outrageous

example of antisocial behavior I have ever seen.

You really said that, did you? Oh, absolutely. You bet I did.

That's when they take my mouth.

They didn't touch my room.

I figured someone had probably beaten them to it.

These shorts put you in a bad mood.

Forgive me if I seem to be a killjoy.

But being bound and gagged for nine hours tends to rob one of his spirit of

Why didn't you wake up? Didn't you hear me honking there all night long?

You honk every night.

You make every night New Year's Eve.

I'll say you've got a very casual attitude towards this. It isn't easy

around.

The chamber?

You know, there was an assault in this building last month.

Mr. Sweetser was attacked.

That doesn't count. He was attacked by Mrs. Sweetser.

You want to know something? I'm glad we were robbed. It cuts down our chances of

being robbed again. Right, Murray?

It's not true, Oscar.

Lots of places get robbed twice.

You just don't understand the criminal mind.

Yes, I do. I was married to it.

Don't you care about crime in your own neighborhood?

I care about my color TV and my typewriter. You may not care if you're

but don't you care at least if I'm killed?

I go back and forth.

Boys, please, let's keep personalities out of this.

Now, do you have a list of all the stolen goods? Yes, yes. Where is it?

Now, everything that's stolen that I know of. Here are the warranties, serial

numbers, date of purchase, where it's known, flight descriptions of things.

Gee, I've never had so many clues.

It helps with the insurance.

I don't have any insurance.

You don't have insurance, Oscar? Well, Roy told me to cut down on my expenses,

so I canceled the policy.

A man who spends $60 a month on potato chips cuts down on his insurance.

You're impossible.

You don't have to even stow my cigars.

It's one thing to be grateful for.

Felix, Felix, relax, will you?

You just got the big city jitters.

What with the killing, the shooting, the stabbings, the spitting.

Spitting.

A lot of jitters.

I'm not the only one, huh? Gosh, no. You know, a lot of people are moving out of

these old buildings into these new maximum security places.

I guess they've lost their faith in the police.

Are these places reliable?

They must be. My captain lives in one.

Officer, you hear this?

Oh, you just chicken.

We had a saying in my neighborhood when I was a kid. If you can't stand the

heat, get out of hell's kitchen.

I can just see you guys standing around chuckling over that one in your black

leather jacket.

Well, Thomas, I got to get downtown and get cracking on this.

I got a few ideas already.

Murray. Yeah.

You forgot your notebook.

Thank you.

Murray. Yeah. You're going to be the only cop who retires a rookie.

How does it look as though I'm doing?

I'm cleaning up this mess.

Why don't you help me?

I kind of like it this way.

I'm going to work.

How can you go to work in the midst of a crisis like this? Because I'm too poor

now to take a vacation.

It's people like you who are turning this city into a jungle. You're an

You bury your head in the sand. You refuse to...

What time is it? 3 .30.

Sweet, you're not mad at me.

I'm mad at you.

Come on now, wake up.

Wake up.

I've got to talk to you. Come on.

Somehow I like this room better in the dark.

I don't know why, especially when I'm trying to sleep.

Come on, wake up, wake up. I've got to talk to you. Wake up. I've made an

important decision.

You're going to put on a cape, travel the world by night, poking people awake?

supposed to protect each other.

I've decided we're moving out of this dangerous neighborhood.

You're really concerned with my welfare, aren't you? Yes.

Then why do I hate you?

Because you know I'm right.

Felix, at 3 .30 in the morning, nobody's right. I appreciate your concern, but

I'm not moving.

I'm going to go look at one of those maximum security buildings that...

not going to listen to me, huh?

I've been with Gloria till then.

She'll let me. Ah, she'll let me for a couple of days. Oh, come on. Aren't you

going to change your mind? Move with me. Good night, Felix.

You know, I'm glad it happened in this room.

a short one.

Here we are, separating quietly over a simple difference of opinion.

It's going to be a long funny.

After all the yelling and fighting we've had, the final parting of the ways is

over a simple philosophical argument.

Fascinating, all right. No yelling, no fighting.

As the poet T .S. Eliot said, not with a bang, but a whimper.

This is the way the world ends. This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang, but a whimper.

In an earlier century, Thomas Gray observed.

borrowed a portable TV.

Yeah, I'm going to do some work on my column.

But best of all, I'm going to make my favorite meal, honey.

Yeah, here it is.

Mamma Mia Deluxe Frozen Dinner and Kim Foy's Mandarin Surprise Dinner.

You mix them both together.

Are you kidding, honey?

You haven't lived till you taste a chop suey with marinara sauce.

Yeah, it's great.

What do you mean, am I afraid? Will you cut it out? You sound like Felix.

But you don't smell like them and you don't look like them.

Yeah, that's why I can't wait till I see you tomorrow night.

All right, honey. Bye -bye.

cocktail napkins on the dinner table.

The kids are going to think they grew up in a bar.

Oh, glorious.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing my dinner.

You're not mixing Chinese and Italian?

No, Felix, no, no.

I found the perfect place to live.

It's really nice. It's over on 59th Street. It's called the Security Arm.

Security Arm.

I'm happy security.

Yeah. Well, I was wondering, maybe you'd like to come along, look the place over

with me?

Why should I look at a place I'm not going to move into?

You're determined to stay in that death trap?

Boy, I'm telling you, I wish people would stop bugging me. It's giving me

crits. You see? You're nervous there.

Goodbye, Billy.

Pretty cat.

to the doorman? I don't like to be frisked when I enter a building. He

frisk you.

I just asked for your identification. That's a very normal precaution. I like

it. Yeah?

Well, I'm sorry. I get the feeling I'm being watched.

Oh, you're overreacting.

I'll be with you in a second, fellas. Sit down.

You see?

Big brother is watching us.

Speaker, you've heard them at ball games.

Good afternoon, fellas.

Sit down.

G. Martin Duke's the name.

Safety's my game.

Ask him out.

Felix Unger.

This must be one of the watchdogs I read about in the brochure, huh? Oh, no,

he's too small for that.

Too small?

Yes.

Peaches is my own personal pet.

He's a pet. Why do you have a muzzle on him? Well, I've learned never to be too

sure of anything.

If man can turn on man, why not man's best friend?

May we see one of the apartments?

Certainly. Stay.

Sit.

Mr. Duke? Mr. Duke? Mel here.

There's a water delivery man at the door, but he's not the regular guy.

Did you check his identification, Mel? It checks out.

He says he's the relief man.

Well, ask the gentleman to step in front of the scanner.

This is our finest feature.

Cameras scan the whole building, and it comes through on the screen.

We'd like to think it makes every tenant a watchman. Oh, goody, I always wanted

to be a watchman. He looks familiar passing through.

Right.

But take a drink of water first, just in case.

What kind of question is this to describe your temperament? Right there.

another precaution.

Oh, really? Well, to tell you the truth, I don't think it's any of your

business.

Well, that's all right. I think I have enough information.

Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, and then we'll go up and look in an

apartment.

Madison given to pepper outbursts.

Gentlemen.

Ah, yes.

Oh, this is lovely.

Yeah, early sterile.

Look at this beautiful painting of black donut.

It's a little cold at first, but after we add the personal touch... Yeah, we'll

bring in a goldfish for warmth.

Nothing's in here. Move some of this furniture a little bit. Oh, the

not movable, Mr. Unger. It's bolted down.

You ought to be on a rocking chair.

Change. Change.

It makes it impossible to steal. It's for your own good. Very good. Very good.

I've got a glass of this. The finest.

You can see out, but nobody can spy in.

We're 20 floors up. Who's going to spy in? A peeping pigeon?

Mr. Madison, it's for your own good.

Mr. Duke, when I look back at the best times of my life, none of them were for

my own good.

You don't like it here. We do have a long waiting list. Excuse me, excuse me.

Mr. Madison, may I talk to you?

What are you trying to do?

Trying to ruin everything. You said you wanted to move.

Yeah, but not in the solitary confinement.

I think it's the place gives me the creeps. Oh, when waking up in the

and finding your roommate bound and gagged and tortured. That fills you with

confidence. When are you going to forget about that? When the rope burns. go

away.

I asked you to move like a gentleman and you told me to go live with the dead

poet. Then I called you up and gave you another opportunity at which time you

hung up in my face with a mouthful of soy sauce.

Then you called me a man with terror in his voice and you said, Felix, please

let me go in with you.

And I opened up my heart to you and you have plunged in the dagger of

ingratitude. Okay, okay, Leo.

Personal touch.

Filth.

My stuff is the only thing I like in there.

Do you know there's a lamp beside my bed I can't turn off?

It's a nightlight.

Yeah.

Well, I can't turn it off. It's shining right on the bed. I don't like to get a

tan when I'm sleeping.

I've got a date with Nancy.

I'll bring her here.

Gloria's coming over at 8 o 'clock.

I'm making a lovely dinner.

Hatch up the fight we had. She's still mad about the napkins, huh? Yeah.

Calls me a dictator.

Leave that alone.

Who knows you, Felix?

Would a dictator prepare all her favorite dishes?

Veal piccata, zucchini, sabayoni. They're your favorites. And in time,

be her favorites.

I'll take a nap in the room.

Why don't you stay here? It's so nice and safe. It's for your own...

I'm going to stop it. I'm tired of hearing about Satan.

After I go to the movies, I'm going to get a fifth full of dollar bills. I'm

going to stick them in all my pockets. I'm going to go to Central Park and I'm

going to say, Don't leave! Don't leave! Don't leave!

Look at this. Never often I have a place to bet you.

Must be a fire drill.

Mr. Unger?

Mr. Unger?

Yes? Yes?

G. Martin Duke speaking.

You have an unregistered guest out here.

Female Caucasian.

Blonde hair.

Small scar on right hand, 38, 26, 34.

Gloria, Mr. Duke, that's my wife you've got down there. I'll put on my scanner

in front of the camera for positive identification.

Oh, look at Gloria.

Doesn't she look nice?

I recognize her by the scar on her Caucasian right hand.

operating procedure.

Felix, what kind of a building did you move into?

You'll love it.

You'll love it, Gloria.

I've made a beautiful dinner. Look.

Am I going to have to eat it handcuffed? Sorry about this, Mr. Unger, but why

didn't you register your wife?

It's in our tenant's manual.

Management must be informed of the arrival of all guests.

If it's to be an overnight guest, management must be notified by 10 p .m.

What kind of a stupid rule is that?

A lot of times I don't know by 10 o 'clock if my guest is going to stay or

Glory, I can hear every word you're saying.

I'm sorry, Mr. Duke. I've only reached page 51 in the manual.

Could you send my wife up now, please?

I'm sorry, Mr. Unger, but I can't release her until Mel gets back.

Who's Mel?

Our security guard.

No guest is permitted to wander around the building unaccompanied.

That's in the manual, too.

Sounds like the guy who wrote your manual also wrote Mein Kampf.

I figure out myself, but I can't leave the office, and there's no one else.

I'm coming down to get you, Gloria.

You can take your manual.

From the inside, the door is locked.

That's our interior lock.

Once the door is bolted from the inside, you need the interior key to unlock the

door again.

After I let you in tonight, I bolted the door. I gave you the keys. Where are

they? I gave you the new keys. They were wrapped in tissue paper. Where are

they? They were in the tissue paper? Yes.

They're in the East River.

I flushed them down the toilet.

Along with a half a tuna fish sandwich and a banana peel I was stealing out of

my pocket. I don't believe this. I don't believe it.

Mr. Duke, you'll just have to leave your post and bring my wife up here. Yeah,

hurry up. I got a date.

Don't you understand?

The door only unlocks from the inside.

Good.

Gloria brought my blue pills.

What difference does it make? She can't get in.

What happened to the lights?

Somebody on the third floor just got it.

deposit. Your nose may be coming off your face.

I don't want you, Madison.

No kidding. Look at this. Another birthday present I won't be getting.

Be careful, Oscar. He can be rough.

What do you mean he can be rough?

There was nothing.

What's nothing? Explain nothing.

He yanked my arm a little when I was looking for my ID.

What part of your arm did he yank? The lower arm or the upper arm?

It doesn't make any difference. It makes a great deal of difference.

The upper arm is much more sensual.

I want you and Madison out of here in the morning. I'm afraid you're just not

our kind of people. You're quite right, Mr.

Duke. We're not your kind of people.

We don't go around yanking other men's ex -wives' upper arms.

Security's a wonderful thing, Mr. Duke, but not at this price. Not with sneaky

-peepy cameras and three -way locks and two -way mirrors.

Who told you about the mirrors?

The city. is tough enough to live in without people like you exploiting men's

fears. You're a horrible little man with a horrible little mind who has to yank

people's arms to get attention. And we're moving out of here at once and I'm

even cleaning up.

You've been saying it all along, but I just didn't have enough sense to listen.

You're the kind of people who don't appreciate anything.

I had you spotted as pinkos, troublemakers, the minute you set foot

office. This is the safest, most fully protected... Mr. Duke!

Mel, what happened? Boss, we've been robbed.

They took the computers, the scanner cameras, everything.

Come on, Mel!

Who could have done such a thing? I think it was an inside gentleman.

Who? Peaches.

back in shape.

You know, Oscar, you were right.

I've learned a lesson.

Sometimes you can play it too safe.

It doesn't pay, does it?

A man has to take thumb risks just to be a man.

From now on, I'm finished playing with shadows and jumping at every sound.