Original subtitles

Oscar. Oscar.

Oscar, get up.

Get up.

I've got news for you. Get up. I've got good news and I've got bad news. What

time is it? Eight o 'clock of a bright, sunny morning.

What's the good news?

Get up. Get your clothes on. There's someone here to see you.

Get up and see for yourself. An old friend.

Someone very near and dear to you.

My bookie is here so early?

But it begins with B. So does bug off. Felix, I'm not getting up for anybody.

Not even for Blanche? Not even for Blanche. Blanche? My ex -wife Blanche

California? Yes.

Blanche is here? Yes. She came from California. She's here. Tell her I'm not

home.

What's the matter? She has something to tell you. I know what she's got to tell

me. Felix, I'm three months behind in my alimony.

It's a lawyer with a tall, skinny guy with a smile. She got me papers. They

stayed in New York. I subpoenaed another. Why did you let her into one

the world? I didn't want to see us, Blanche. My God, I don't... Hiya,

Nice to see you.

Hiya, Oscar.

Aw. Same old Oscar. Neat as a pen.

Wow.

It's like a stroll down memory sewer.

Same old blances, singing them, huh?

Well, I'll leave you two alone. No, no!

He was so excited, I didn't tell him the great news.

What did you tell him?

I'm getting married again.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

But he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

You little government. You're getting married this afternoon.

I can't get it. I don't know what to say.

Ah, come on. Say what's in your heart. No more alimony.

Oh, no, honey. I'm happy for you, too. I really am. Not really prepared for a

celebration. All I've got is some German chocolate cake and muscatel.

Perfect if you're a Nazi wino.

Would you like some beer? Beer?

Who ever heard of beer for a celebration?

How about coffee? Coffee for breakfast. Now, why didn't we think of that?

Sit. Come on. Sit, man. Oh, thanks.

Well, tell us about your attendant.

Uh, how long have you known him? Oh, Roger? Yeah. About three weeks.

Three weeks?

Yeah. 21 days.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing, Black? Of course he's sure.

It's a whirlwind romance.

The guy sees what he wants and he takes it. I like his style.

So, uh, tell us, where did he pop the question?

At the Whispering Pine.

Hey, that sounds romantic.

Romantic? It's a motel outside of Dayton.

Oh,

darling, we were having coffee in the coffee shop. Forgive me, I thought...

no, no.

I thought so, too. So we ended up in the coffee shop.

Well, uh... What first attracted you to him?

He asked me out.

Good -looking?

No, but I've never been attracted to good -looking men.

Well, I hope he has a sense of humor. He's very nice. Now, let's get down to

business. How tall is he?

Five feet, four inches. Only five?

Napoleon was only five -four. As long as he's tall enough to reach a wedding

finger, that's all it comes.

Use your napkin.

You're wonderful. I never got him any further than his sleeve.

I don't get a real picture of him, Blanche. What are his hobbies? What are

interests? Well, his big passion is steam baths.

Is that something the two of you can share, Blanche?

Oh, maybe they'll take a trip to Japan.

Get your feet off the chair.

Look at this.

Nagging in stereo.

So, when's the wedding?

At three o 'clock this afternoon.

Three o 'clock?

Mm -hmm.

And I gotta go.

Oh, listen, I want to look good and lightly. It's an all -day job. You look

great, sure. Oh, thank you, thank you. I want to tell you, the more I hear about

this Roger, the more I like him. I mean, he seems like an individualist. He

doesn't follow the... You gotta be very strong to take all those bans.

I really came to ask you to the wedding. I'd like you to be there. Are you

kidding? Of course we'll be there. You need a bridesmaid? I'll be a bridesmaid.

Felix?

All right. On condition that you let me bake the wedding cake.

I'd love it.

Three o 'clock at the Wee Kirk of Yonkers.

The Wee Kirk of Yonkers?

Don't blame me. His side picked it.

Bye. I wish you only the best, Blanche. Thank you, Felix. Lord knows you didn't

get it the first time.

Here comes the bride.

He's going to let me keep my bread.

Oh, Felix, isn't it wonderful the way everything worked out? Isn't this

marvelous? He's going to get married. You're shaking your head the wrong way.

You're actually going this way to love me?

What a boy, fella.

Oscar? What? May I say something? No, nothing.

Nevertheless, I don't think it's going to work out.

What? What don't you think is going to work out? What? What? What? You heard

way she spoke about him. Is that the way a woman talks about the man she's going

to marry?

What do you got against Roger? Steam bands?

They have soap, towels, washcloths, everything you put on your Christmas

love it.

The way she described him. She said he was nice. Yeah, nice.

That's it. Nice. Well, nice is nice. Not once was the word love mentioned. I

lived with her 12 years. Not once was the word love mentioned.

Maybe you were never listening. Oh, not stopping.

What are you looking for? Black.

Black. Black what?

What?

It's a black sap to match this one for the winner.

Don't you care if Blanche is happy?

Of course I care. Don't you care if I'm happy? Not as much as I care as if

Blanche is happy. All right, Felix. Okay, she didn't say she loves him. I'll

it for her. She loves him. I could see it in her eyes.

The guy's nice.

He's financially secure.

I love him. Then you marry him.

I'm telling you, she's happy. I know Blanche. I know the mad Blanche, the

Blanche, the crazy Blanche, the sad Blanche. I know her like a book.

What color are her eyes?

Go bake your wedding cake.

Gee.

Awfully big for a wee Kirk, isn't it?

Gives him a lot of room to Kirk around him.

What have you got there? A present?

No, it's the divorce decree.

Just in case she forgot hers, I'm not taking any chances.

Five -four. Looks clean.

Hello, sir. I want to congratulate you. You're getting yourself quite a woman

there. Oh, I'm Oscar Madison, Blanche's first husband.

Well, glad to meet you.

I'm Charles Parsley, the best man.

Ah.

Where's the happy bridegroom?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Well, he was supposed to meet her three -twenty minutes ago.

I'll try to reach him. Yeah, do that. Wait, you ain't got a dime? Oh,

there she is. Oscar, look how radiant she is.

Congratulations. I'm not married yet.

Thanks for wearing a tie. Does it light up?

Where's the bridegroom?

Is he here yet?

I hope nothing happened to him, but don't worry.

I'm not worried. I mean, we'll find him. He won't get away. I mean, we'll take

care of it, so don't worry.

Excuse me. Is this the three o 'clock party?

We're the party. I'm Reverend Wright.

Right, Reverend Wright.

I have a message from the bridegroom. He's at a steam bath at 41st and 5th.

Seems he stayed in a little too long and nodded off.

I could take a couple hours to get here. I just hope he's here by 3 .30. We have

a funeral at 4.

You mean on the opening act for a funeral?

It pays the rent.

Where are you going?

I'm going to 41st and 5th. I'm fine. How do you know him? I'll look for a short,

wrinkled man.

Now, sweetheart, you're going to be a wonderful maid of honor. And please,

sweetheart, you're supposed to cry after the wedding.

Am I intruding?

Oh, heavens, no. Come on in.

Hello. Oh, this is my maid of honor, Judy Millhouse. And this is Felix Unger.

Hello, Judy.

Blanche, may I talk to you? Judy, do you mind?

Oh, no. I'll be outside.

Yes, do you. You go and tie the cans to the car and give out the ride and all

those things.

Oh, boy, she's never going to make it through.

Judy a relative?

Not really.

Old friend?

Yeah, since yesterday when she sold me this dress.

A sales clerk?

You've got a sales clerk for your bridesmaid, Blanche? Oscar would have

better choice.

Well, it was either her or the stewardess on the plane. I don't know

New York anymore.

Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.

Felix, what's the matter?

Where are you going on your honeymoon?

Any place except where Oscar took me.

Where was that?

To a hockey game between the Rangers and the Red Wings where I got hit with a

puck.

May I ask you something, Blanche?

Yes, do you go right ahead.

You love Roger?

I like him. He's very nice.

He's tender.

Well, he should be after all those steam battles.

love once with Oscar. I'm satisfied.

I like being married. The best thing about being married to Oscar was being

married. You're an attractive girl, Blanche. You must have many, many

opportunities.

Three in the last five years.

One was a militant hairdresser.

One was an obscene phone caller, except he turned out to be a little too tall.

And one was a note tied to a rock.

Now, this is it. I'm going to marry Roger.

I'll see if I'll skip the bank.

I may be a hopeless romantic, but to me, love is not having a total stranger as

a bridesmaid or a husband.

Here's the group, Felix. I want you to meet a terrific little guy.

How do you do? Yes, Felix, I'm a Mr. Doctor.

You're a doctor?

No. That's my name, Roger Doctor.

Actually, I'm in milk. Milk, he's being modest. A string of dairies upstate, you

know, cows and... Oh, my goodness, isn't that impressive? Hello, dear.

Sorry I fouled things up.

All is forgiven.

I'll forgive him if you don't mind.

I forgive you, darling.

Well, if everybody's present, we really should get on with the ceremony.

If I could have the bride and groom right over here.

Look at this, I almost walked the last mile again.

Sorry,

you just look so happy.

Maid of honor here.

Best man to that side.

Are you in milk, too?

No, I'm in yogurt. I take whatever goes sour on Roger.

Everybody's ready. I'll start your souvenir recording of the ceremony,

give you at no extra cost.

Testing, one, two, three.

We have gathered here today at the Wee Kirk of Yonkers Chapel, just one mile

south of Yonkers Raceway, to join these two in holy matrimony.

But before I pronounce the final vows by the authority vested in me by the state

of New York, let me ask if there is anyone present who knows of any reason

this couple should not be joined in marriage.

Let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

I object.

I'm just sitting here listening to the number one record on my hip parade.

Listen, you're going to love it.

I object.

I object.

I object.

You like it?

The melody isn't much, but the words are catchy.

My crazy sense of humor. Don't be angry.

I'm not objecting forever. I just want to give them a couple of days to think

over. How do you interfere with two adults who want to get married? It's

your business. It is.

I like Blanche.

I acted out a friendship for her.

Well, that's what you do with your friends? Wonderful. I'm glad I'm not one

your friends anymore.

It never would have worked out.

Oh, tell me about a Mr. Expert on marriage who's divorced and living with

slob.

Blanche doesn't love, Roger. Again with love. Yes, again with love.

All right, tell me, what is love, dear Abby?

What is love? What is love? Love is, love is, love is two people running hand

hand through the fields with the music playing in their...

They're running and they're running. That's not love. It's a toilet paper

commercial.

So, Tori.

Love is that feeling between two people and two... Well, it doesn't have to be

two people.

It can be a man and a dog.

It can be a child and a teddy bear. It can be squirrels, bunnies.

I don't want to hear about squirrels and bunnies. Tell me about Blanche and the

milkman.

but I can tell you what it isn't.

Love isn't he's so nice.

Love isn't spending the rest of your life with someone whose main passion is

sitting in a towel somewhere and sweating.

Oh, tell me what it isn't. Tell me what it is.

Now that I know what it is, now I can tell you what it is.

Love is that intense, vital, passionate feeling one person has for another.

That's it.

Basically. Well, I have those feelings for you, but I'm pretty sure it's hate.

understandably, because there are a few dollars involved.

But you cannot deny to Blanche her right to romance.

Romance. Marriage isn't enough for you.

That's right.

Romance. That feeling that you'd rather die than be apart from the one you love.

That wonderful feeling of pain in your heart when the one you love isn't there.

That ache when you're waiting for the phone to ring.

That's romance. That's romance if you're 16 years old. Then I am forever 16

years old.

So is that fish.

The cook.

What are you doing? I'm watching TV.

Without doubt?

I don't want any doubt. Somebody's liable to say I object.

What's that?

Seven brides for seven brothers.

That's a wonderful movie.

That is a wonderful movie. Seven ceremonies, nobody's objected to it.

Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. Oh, Felix, it's all right. It's your way. You're

a fun person.

I am not.

Hi, Oscar. Cheer up.

Roger and I have reserved the chapel for tomorrow noon.

Ah, that's wonderful.

But first, we're going to have dinner tonight to talk it off. You see, that is

sensible, mature decision.

Felix, go to your room.

I'm not a child.

I know you're not a child.

That child puts a smile on everybody's face.

Now go.

I want to stay in here.

She's my ex -wife. I want to talk to her privately.

Please, Felix.

All right.

Congratulations, Blanche. I hope everything works out fine.

I'll be in my room if you need me. Nobody needs you.

What am I going to do in my room alone?

Is that sound on?

No. Good. I thought I was going deaf.

Do you want a drink or something? No, no, I can't stay long.

Well, what is it? I mean, is it on or is it off?

Well, we'll see. We're going to talk about it. So what's it for?

It's not his fault. He just wanted to make sure that it was a marriage made in

heaven like ours.

Like ours?

It's a joke, Oscar.

Thousands of people in this state use Madison versus Madison as a precedent

their divorce.

Well, we had fun in the beginning.

You kidding? We had a great year or two.

Two out of twelve ain't bad.

I figured the only reason you married me anyway was because you had a bad arm

with your cronies eight to five and you couldn't resist the odds.

I picked up a few hundred dollars. I was going to marry any of you.

Can I ask you something?

Sure. Why did you let Felix get away with pulling that stunt today?

I don't know.

It just happened.

Well, maybe you don't want to get married again. Maybe you figure it's

ride the gravy train for a couple more years.

What gravy train?

The Oscar Madison alimony train.

The Oscar Madison alimony train?

You mean the one that stops at every corrupt game?

Oh, that's a great train, Oscar. You'll never realize what a wonderful feeling

it is knowing that your alimony is somewhere out there riding on a hard

Then why don't you get off my back and marry the milkman?

I got news for you. At this moment, I'd marry...

I think Shelly said it best.

I could lie down like a tired child and weep away the life of care.

I think Babyface Nelson said it better.

What did he say?

You make one wrong move, I'm going to kill you.

Well, gang, shall we have another go at it?

I think so.

I know so.

Mr. Unger, I take it this time you'll be able to control yourself?

My lips are sealed.

My heart is another story.

Well then, shall we proceed?

Kim, if you please.

My dear friend, we are gathered again today to have another crack at

uniting in holy matrimony Lance Jefferson Madison and Roger J. Doctor.

Before I pronounce the final vows, let me ask if there is anyone present who

knows of any reason why this couple should not be joined in wedlock. Let him

speak now or forever hold his peace.

Good. If I may have the ring, please.

I object.

Roger, if I look at it this way, I know it hurts.

It was never meant to be.

Felix, I'm telling you, I'm not that shocked.

Life is unpredictable.

One day it's butter, the next day it's margarine.

Exactly. In fact, when you come right down to it, I wish my first wife had had

friends like you and Oscar.

I would have saved half of my Holsteins.

No use crying over spilt milk.

I like you, boy.

Let's have a steam together sometime.

And now you.

I'm sorry, dear.

Words just came out. I don't know.

Oh, boy, am I glad they did. I didn't have the guts for it.

You know, last night when we had that fight? Yeah?

It brought back a lot of memories.

And a lot of them were bad, but some of them were good.

I didn't like the hostility, but I liked the openness. I need that in a

relationship. Me too.

Nothing to base a marriage on.

But when we fight, we're a couple of heavyweights.

I'm a pretty tough lady, as you know.

You're pretty, but you're not so tough.

You're not.

Really not. And you're going to make somebody a great wife, but don't

yourself. You've got to take the time to find the right guy.

I found him, but Elizabeth Taylor won't let him go.

You're a nice guy, Oscar.

I've got to go.

Roger's going to drive me to the airport.

Maybe I can hijack the pilot.

Would you do me a favor? Anything. Anything. What?

You know those little alimony checks?

I'd like to have them all by the 15th.

Bye, sweetheart.

Goodbye, Felix.

Blanche, Blanche, have a safe trip.

Thank you, dear.

Aren't you coming? I thought I'd wait for the 2 -15 funeral.

Don't cheer me up.

Funny day, wasn't it?

Sad wedding and a happy funeral.

It was a nice funeral, though, wasn't it?

Not the way I'd like mine, though. You know what I would like?

I would like our regimental flag draped across my coffin.

And then...

I hope this isn't pretentious.

I'd like it drawn by a team of white horses.

While the band plays the Grand March from Aida, because that's my favorite

opera.

I'd like it to go around and around the cemetery three times.

What would you like?

I'd like to be there.