Original subtitles

Come in.

Oh, hi, Felix.

Hello,

Gloria.

What's the matter?

You seem depressed.

You've always been able to read my moods better than anybody, Gloria.

What's the matter?

My son is in my roommate's room.

I hope he's had all his shots.

What's he doing in there?

Talking football. What else?

Well, did the two of you have a nice afternoon?

We had a nice hour.

Played a game of chess, which I won.

And I showed him my new $900 camera, which he took a fancy to.

And Oscar came home.

And I spent the rest of the afternoon taking pictures of the two of them

a wonderful time talking football.

Well, Oscar is his coach.

Yes. I'm only his father.

You're my ex -wife. He'll soon be my ex -son.

You'll never know what hit him if you do it right. We did it many years ago.

It's so old, it's new. See, a kid stands there, and he's holding his helmet.

Now, you fake a pass to him, but you hand it off to another guy, and they'll

tackle the kid with the helmet all the time. Can we work on it tomorrow

afternoon? Sure.

Yes, we're here.

Mom and Dad.

Well, we have to be going. Leonard.

Okay. So long, Dad. Thanks for my day.

My pleasure. Your pictures will be ready next week.

Right. See you next week, Dad.

And I'll see you tomorrow, Coach.

Okay. So long, Leonard. Bye -bye.

That's a great kid, Felix. You ought to be very proud of him.

He sure loves football, doesn't he?

I think he's got a great season ahead of him.

That's three E's, Felix.

Either you're mad or you've got a lot in store.

What is it? You mad because we went into my room and talked?

No, not at all. Are you being honest?

No, I'm not.

Oscar, you're stealing my son away from me.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Really believe that?

Oh, forget it. Forget? Oscar, you're stealing my son from me? How can I? All

doing is coaching Leonard's team. By default, they ask me first. Then why

you do it?

Why? Why didn't I do it? Yeah, why didn't you do it? The reason I didn't...

Well, the real reason... Because you're stammering? No.

The reason is... What? I'm afraid.

Now we're back to why.

Don't you have any understanding? I want to do it, but I can't.

Like I said, why?

I'm afraid of looking like a fool in front of my son. I don't know enough

football. Well, if you can't coach, don't coach.

Must everything be explained to you?

I want to do things with my son.

I want to be in a position of authority.

I want to look good to him.

How about groundskeeper? You'll look great.

You enjoy seeing me die inside, don't you, Oscar?

Why, Oscar? Why, Oscar? I'm sorry.

Tell me, where is the law that says that the only way fathers and sons can get

together is by playing football?

What did father and sons do before football was invented?

Chariot races.

War cream.

I've been a good father to Leonard. I've shared things with him. Of course you

have, but a lot of kids don't care how you want to vacuum clean.

Taking him places.

Yeah, sure. The Grand National Bake Off in Cincinnati.

Please, if you want to get close to your kid, you've got to do things together

that he likes. Like what?

Well, fishing.

Worms, I know.

I mentioned model airplanes. You say the glue gives you a headache. You want to

get close to your son? Yes.

Take up wrestling.

With my back? There we go.

Be serious, Oscar. I'm losing my son. Don't sit there.

I want him to look up to me as his father.

I want him to come up to me and...

Punch me in the stomach and say, hi, coach.

You want me to help you? Yes.

All right, I'll help you. How? I'll teach you how to coach.

Hurry up. What are your feelings? I want to take Nancy to the movies tonight.

Was Leonard happy when he learned I was going to coach?

Yeah.

You don't sound very convincing.

Yeah, he was happy.

I mean, what's more important, winning or fatherhood?

You're going to be great.

A couple of sessions with me, you'll be a real monster on the gridiron.

Okay.

You going to sell ice cream?

Casual sports outfit. I thought it would be appropriate.

On a yacht, it would be appropriate.

You told me to put on something I could move around in. Yeah, but you can't wear

that when you're coaching the kids.

What should I wear?

Put on a sweatsuit. I don't have a sweatsuit. I'll let you wear my

I'd die for it.

Okay, okay, here's the thing. Now, when you're coaching kids, you've got to

stress the fundamentals.

Blocking, passing, running, and talking, right?

Okay, no matter what anybody says, it all boils down to that.

Teach the kids to do that right.

They'll win every time, okay?

First, we'll go to blocking, okay? The correct position for blocking.

Does that hurt your knuckles?

Come on, will you, Felix?

Concentrate. You'll never learn. Now, come on, get down like me. Come on.

What are we, the Rockettes?

Hold it there. Will you please opposite?

You're on one line, I'm on... I don't want to dance with you for you.

Please, okay?

Now, we'll go on the third hut.

Hut? Gee, I haven't heard that since I was in the Army.

I wonder who first thought of saying hut instead of one.

That's odd, isn't it? I'll tell you what. After we practice, we can stroll

to the library and do a little research on it.

I'm just curious about how the expression hut started.

Well, maybe from a quarterback who had the hiccups.

What's the difference? It's here.

The snap of the ball comes on hut, okay? Yes, yes. I got you, babe.

Babe? Yeah, that's the way the players talk to each other. Babe, babe.

I'm offense, you're defense. Right. You've got to get past me to tackle the

runner, okay? Now, take it easy with me. I won't hurt you, okay?

Okay, now we'll go. Hut, hut.

I got by you, baby.

And so cutely.

Come on, will you, Felix, do it right? Come on, you know better than that.

go. Okay, now we'll go in the third hut. Third hut. We're dancing again.

Well, why use muscle when brains are so much more effective?

Because brains, without brute force in football, leave a lot of cleat marks on

the back of your head.

Aren't all the professionals college graduates?

Yeah, with degrees in punishment.

Now, will you forget all your theory? All right, let's go to running, all

Yes. Running, running's important.

Wait a minute. Here we go.

Okay, running.

Now, let's see. We'll make the door the goal, right? Yes. You've got to get past

me, get to the door for the goal. Yes. I'll give you the ball later on.

unless I was centering. All right, you'll snap the ball to me, you center.

Yes. Okay, no, this is... Come on, we don't want to go to the movies. Yeah,

we go.

No, say it.

All I want you to do is when I say hut, snap the ball hard to me in my stomach

so I can hand it over.

I didn't say hut.

I went to the library tonight.

I got...

I got some books on football. You ought to look these over. These are really

terrific. Plays that fool the pros.

Faking for fun and profit.

Football, the game of deception. Yeah, that's the great one. Read the first

paragraph.

Football is sleight of hand.

To divert the attention of the opposition.

To prepare them psychologically for one thing and deliver another. Isn't that

interesting? Yeah, if you're playing with magicians. But you're playing with

kids, Felix.

Every time a kid handles a boy, you've got a great chance of fumbling. Two kids

handle a boy, you've got two great chances of fumbling. I don't believe

The best game we ever played was when the kids had bubble gum on their

I'm telling you, you want to win tomorrow?

Punt. When the other kid drops the ball, have Leonard fall on it. No, no, no.

That's too pessimistic. I'm giving you the facts of life. You want tricky

I know a lot of tricky. I know a tricky play right here.

Okay, let's sit down.

What's a quarterback has to play? How can you write on your wall?

That's very soft lead.

Tell kids I won't be able to coach you anymore.

Now, wait a minute. Now, the good news.

Your new coach.

Coach Unger!

Ah, thank you, thank you. Thank you, Coach Madison.

Well, men, as Coach Madison said, my name is Coach Unger.

There you are. Well, it's a real pleasure to make your acquaintance, and

that in all sincerity.

You're a fine -looking group of men. Very good, very good. You want to tuck

your shirt, sir?

any false pretenses to you. I can't pretend that I'm a great expert on

As a matter of fact, I don't remember if I ever played the game at all.

But seriously, men, I know that you men have been playing together and winning

together. And I feel that I'll probably learn more from you than you will from

me. Be that as it may.

Thanks,

ladies and gentlemen.

Great group.

Listen, I'm going to watch the game from the bleachers. Good luck, guys. Good

luck.

Let's hear it for Coach Madison.

Hip, hip.

Hooray!

Good luck.

There goes a great guy.

As a matter of fact, men, I've been doing a little bit of studying over the

weekend. I've come up with a couple of things I think we can toy with. So let's

start off with a clean slate.

Now, I've come up with a formation that I think will work.

This is called the disjointed U.

Disjointed U?

Sounds complicated, but it's not. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Now, listen carefully.

Center hands out to the quarterback, hands off to the fullback, who crosses

around to the end, hands off to the end, the end crosses around to this side,

and sends a forward pass down to the flanker, who's down here, catches it,

lateral to the opposing flanker, and down the field to go.

Got it?

What happened to the hidden helmet play?

Hidden helmet?

Child's play.

We're child.

I've got a few miniographs. Why don't you pass these off to the players, son?

We've got a couple of hours before the game. Why don't you study these on the

bench, men?

And I've got you some great energy food.

Brownies!

to just join his youth.

Is that it?

Did you see it, Uncle Oscar? Yeah, I saw it.

It's our first game of the season. And our first loss of the season.

Well, it's one of those things. I wouldn't blame your coach.

Who would you blame?

It's those weird plays.

Yeah, I can't even...

Hey, Licks. I don't have money minutes in here.

Now, we've made a few mistakes.

That's all right.

We know where they are. We know we can correct them. Hey, Licks. We're learning

our plays.

We're together. That's the main thing. Now, Chubby. Where's Chubby? Over here.

Chubby.

Don't be disturbed about that last play. That was a typing error.

It's not your fault.

What?

The game is over.

What? The game is over.

No, it's only the end of the first half. No, it's the end of the second half.

Well, the game is over. Now you got it.

Oh, hi, Gloria. Come on in. Phoenix isn't here.

I know. He's downtown buying things for the team.

Yeah, he already bought an album.

Great Coaches Pet Talks.

He's been listening to New Rotley and Sutherland.

Oscar, I've got to talk to you about Felix.

You got to respect him for that.

He had a meeting at the house last night. They voted 11 to 1 to get rid of

Well, at least Leonard stood up for him. That's nice.

No, it was chubby. He liked the brownies.

How are you going to tell him?

I don't know. I... You know him better than I do.

How would you tell him?

I don't know. I find I'm always better when I'm straightforward with Felix, you

know. Tell him he did a lousy job, they lost the game, and he's out. Tell him

the truth. The one thing about fear is he'll always accept the truth.

That's exactly right. That's exactly the way you should tell him.

this, I got to find Newt Rockne.

Listen to this. Listen to this.

Newt Rockne.

Something I got to tell you. You want to talk to me about yesterday's game? Yes,

as a matter of fact, that's what... You were right. I was wrong. I know that.

Now, I was much too technical with the guys. That's the wrong approach.

Right. Your coaching is all wrong for the kids. I know it. That's why I got

record. This man, he knew, he knew a coach must inspire players.

I've got a... Give those kids inspiration. That's it. Well, Phoenix,

have enough inspiration to begin with. See, once they're out of the house,

rolling around in the dirt, stepping on each other, that's what they like. No,

no, no, Austin, you're cute, but that's not what The Rock was talking about.

He was talking about that extra something, that the great path inside

they can pull out of themselves when they need it, when lesser men would give

up. Have you ever thought of giving up, Phoenix?

Yes, I must confess that after yesterday's game, I considered retiring.

don't you?

because I don't want my son to think I'm a quitter.

We're not going to pass unless our secondary comes up too close.

But don't forget, man, we're going to get him on the run. We're going to go,

go, go.

Oscar, did you want to tell me something?

No, like the man said, go, go, go.

guys don't understand, Mr. Rungle is with you all the way. He's giving you

very best.

It's rotten, but it's his very best.

What are you going to do, just blow him out?

Uncle Oscar, look on the blackboard.

What's that?

Plan for Apollo 16?

That's a trick to reverse.

We practiced it yesterday.

And right here is where we all ran into each other.

Listen, I'm going to be your coach during the game.

Yay, Coach Madison!

Now, here's my plan. Listen, every couple of minutes, one of you guys from

bench come in here. I'll give you a new play.

See, and you bring that out. Now, you forget anything that Mr. Unger tells

okay? Can I tell Mr. Unger he's through?

No, Chubby, he's not through.

Officially, he's going to be your coach. That's the official rule, see?

But we won't tell him anything. He mustn't know one thing about this, all

Okay, now, you guys get ready. Come on. Let's go.

Good luck to you and your Trojans, Mr. Porter.

Okay.

Give me your attention, men.

We're going to have a little pep talk.

Now, men, today is the day we're going to win.

I know it. And you know it. And you know why we know it?

Because we're going to go, go, go, go, go.

We're going to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. And if they throw a

pass, wait to see the ball in the air. Then go and get it.

And if you get it, then we go on the offensive. Don't forget.

We're going to pick out that one tackle they've got that's weak.

We're going to go inside.

We're going to go outside.

We're going to go inside. We're going to go outside.

he speaks to the other coach.

No, come here, listen.

I want all you guys to get in front of Kramer, see, and take him right up to

end. And on your way back, bring me a couple of brownies.

That's it, Jimmy.

That's it, Jimmy. Keep running on.

You should have tied your shoelaces first.

Go ahead, fall on them. Fall on them, Jimmy. You'll flatten them.

Go ahead, baby.

Go ahead.

Just put the brownies on the bench.

Did Mr. Unger notice that we weren't using any of his plates?

Yes.

Hi, babe.

You look angry, Felix.

Who are these? You look very large and very angry.

You look very small and very angry.

These are co -operative glasses.

You should buy a pair.

Then when you see Pagliacci, you'll really enjoy it. What are you picking on

for? So you caught me. What's the big deal?

Eat your brownie.

I lost my appetite.

Not for treachery, you haven't.

Made the first down.

Congratulations, coach.

I can explain feelings.

Yeah, so can I.

You just can't help humiliating me in front of my son.

Got a headache?

Hey, why'd you run out like that? Everybody wondered what happened to you.

Hey, we won.

When they tried the shoelace trick and we intercepted the shoe and made a

touchdown.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Len.

Dad,

can I talk to you? I'll get lost.

Sure you can talk to me.

What's on your mind?

Your mother called me.

Everybody's trying to spare my feelings.

I just ought to face the fact that... I'm a failure as a father.

You're not. You're a great father.

Football's not your bag, that's all. But football isn't the only thing.

You've taught me lots of things.

Yeah?

Like what?

Well, you've taught me all about photography.

And you've taught me to love music.

You've taught me a thousand ways...

I just taught you those things because I liked them. I wasn't thinking about

you. The same with the football game. I gave you a lot of complicated plays

because I liked it.

I wasn't thinking about the kids at all.

Gee, Dad, we had another vote after the game.

You did?

They still want me to be coach? No, we want you to be team dietician.

And we voted for the game ball, Dad.

Oh, gee.

Thanks.

Tell all the guys thanks for me.

Bye, Pop.

Bye, son.

Hey, what is that? The game ball?

That's terrific.

Look at what I'm doing.

I heard the whole conversation.

I'm not only treacherous, I'm nosy, so hit me.

You're a lucky guy, Felix.

And if I ever do steal it, son...

It'll be yours.

Now, let me know when you're speaking to me again, will you?

Oscar. What?

You're right.

I am lucky.

Hey, coach.

Cat.

Go, go, go, go!

I love something. My throat is so dry. Bring it to me, will you? Look at this.

Hey, Oscar.

Statue of Liberty.

Oh! What's wrong?

Oh! What's wrong?

Versace, it's my arm.

You can't move it? No! You can't move it? Yeah, I can.

Oh! Oh! You can't move it? No, I can!