Original subtitles

You were wonderful, Felix. Thank you. You're a great ball player.

Give me your glove. How do you manage to slide into home base without even

smudging your uniform?

Practice. Practice.

I got my letter in college for that.

Where'd we lose Oscar?

He stopped at a hot dog stand.

Not another hot dog?

You know, the guy is such a glutton, I'm worried about him, man.

I watched him eating six hot dogs during the game, and he only chewed two.

She could be more like you, Felix. You're in perfect condition.

Thank you, Dr. Cunningham.

A sound mind and a healthy body.

Oscar, Oscar, are you all right?

I need to pee.

Oscar,

please. Ten seconds and look at this.

You shouldn't be this tired. I'm really worried about you. I'm fine, honey. The

heat's got me. It's not the heat. It's the food. Look at this. Mustard on his

mitt.

It's fine.

It's like my second wind. Your second wind is as bad as your first.

I'm really worried about him, Nancy.

Will you cut it out? I've been playing baseball every weekend for 16 years,

honey. One hour of exercise a week. But that's all you do, darling. You're at an

age where you have to take care of your body.

Honey, I'm in great shape. I can do anything he can do.

It's not ho, ho, ho, Santa Claus. You just said a very amusing thing.

You think you're in better shape than I am?

My mother's in better shape than you.

Oscar, I'm a trained athlete. I'm never out of condition.

And every summer I go away to the health farm for two weeks of really rigorous

training. Those are the best two weeks of my life. Mine too.

Nancy, would you be good enough to toss a pillow right there, please? What are

you going to do, pick up a pillow?

this? What does that prove?

There's dust under the couch.

What does that prove? Anybody with a flat head could do that.

Do something gymnastic, you know. Gymnastic? Yeah.

You want to clean all the tree?

You know what I mean.

Push -ups. We used to do push -ups. How about push -ups? One arm or two?

Two arms. Show off.

Will you count for me, Nancy?

Sure. Here we go.

Are you counting? One, two. Yes. Notice the hands are close together, not far

apart, which is easy. But close together. The back is straight at all

talking all the time.

Tell me where to put it. All right.

You count for me, will you, honey?

Okay. You start counting. Get your back straight. Count. One.

Keep counting. Two. Answer. Keep counting. Three. Keep counting. Three.

Keep counting. This is not counting.

On November 13th, Felix

Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

Rouching on the desert.

Want me to help you down?

No. You know, you're double -jointed. Come here, come here, come here.

I want to talk to you, Oscar, really, seriously, about... about the happiness

our home.

First you're Jack LaLanne, now you're Dear Abby.

My friend, your well -being is my concern. I want to have a heart -to

man -to -man talk with you.

Okay, Dad.

Oscar, because I know that you're upset.

You're upset about the rotten shape you're in. I'm not in rotten shape.

I mean, I'll be in tip -top shape, but I'm definitely in tip -top.

What's the difference? I'm happy. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Now, don't start that. Candy and soda are energy foods.

You should start a sensible regimen of diet and exercise, and you should begin

by going to Burger's. Burger's Fat Farm, I know. I go there every year, and I'm

not fat.

If you're not fat, it's a hell farm. If you're fat, it's a fat farm.

For you, it would be a blubber farm.

I like my blubber. Keeps me warm, it keeps me company, it keeps my pants up.

What do you want to do?

Do you want to vacuum or do you want to talk?

How else do I get the ashes out of my pocket?

The last time you had a physical examination was in the army? Yeah.

Hashimura said I was in A1 shape. Oh, Oscar, do yourself a favor. Look at

Go down tomorrow. Let Nancy examine you. Why? Because a lot has happened since

Okinawa. You've been married. You've been divorced.

You've eaten two freight cars of cold cuts.

You've had your clothes cleaned once.

You should have a physical examination every war.

I see Nancy, but she'll tell me the same thing that Hashimura did.

What did he say? A little more tea, cut down on the rice.

I seen Nancy. I got a couple of hugs. It was nice.

Forgetting about the sex, how was your examination?

I told you I'm fine.

Nancy, how is he?

Eager.

His pulse and blood pressure are normal. The tests come back from the lab

tomorrow, and that's about all I can see for now, except for a little fat around

the tummy.

I mean, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.

I don't have it. You don't have any fun either.

My body isn't in question here. Nancy, tell me the truth. How is he?

He's in fair shape.

But, honey, Johnny, as your girlfriend, I have to admit, if you were in better

condition, you'd look a lot sexier. Uh -huh.

Thanks a lot, and I don't need anything from you.

Is that a nice thing to say?

Hi, Doc.

Hi there, Bob. Hey, I'm all ready for my annual body checkup. Go right on in.

I'll be with you. Well, I'm really looking forward to it.

You're going to examine him?

Yeah. Just the way you examined me?

Uh -huh. I'm going in there with you.

It'd be the most depressing day of my life.

My girlfriend, who doesn't think I'm sexy, is in there examining Mr. America.

What would you say if I told you I could give you a new body? I'd ask for his.

I mean, rebuild the body you've got. Oh, please, don't start with a fat farm

again, will you?

You want to know the truth?

Well, it embarrasses me to be around all those flabby people. Why?

Because I'm one of them.

Also, nobody likes to see fat birds of a feather flocking together.

Congratulations. You have just taken the first step on the road to good health.

Admitting there is a problem is the first step.

Oscar, fat is the mortal enemy of this amazing machine, the

human heart, which begins beating before you're born and continues unceasingly

until you die.

Inside this miraculous organ are four chambers, two auricles and two

Now, what do you see?

Jacqueline kisses.

This is the most tasteless thing I have ever seen.

I gave that candy dish to her. Read the instructions.

Eat your heart out.

Looks like a motel for sissies.

We're right next to the gym.

Oh, goody. I wake up in the middle of the night dying for a dumbbell. I'll

where to go.

Come on, I think we're going to be starting real soon and we don't want to

anything.

Dr. Berger wants to welcome you personally.

So he sent me.

You're going to have a very happy time here, I'm sure, if you'll just empty

pockets now.

I want to make sure we haven't smuggled in any contraband.

Yes, there's no food allowed in the rooms. It's a burger's first

Thou shalt not nibble.

Only celery and carrot sticks are allowed.

No food, just lit.

Here, here, what's this?

Well, that's not food. Those are cigars, buddies. But there's no smoking here.

These will be given back to you when you leave. Yeah, but I'm leaving now. No,

come on, Oscar. It's only for two weeks. We're going to have a ball.

Thank you. We always win.

Now, your gym hours will be 10 a .m.

Jogging is optional.

Dinner will be in exactly 18 minutes.

Don't be late.

Boy, they've relaxed the rules this year. Jogging optional.

Spill more food on my shirt.

This is concentrated energy food. Eat a little bit at a time. That way you feel

full. I would need tweezers.

They're like that. They give you nothing to eat. They serve you a finger hole.

Take your fingers out of the soup.

Soup?

It's lukewarm water.

With a few necessary minerals added.

Chicken fat is the only necessary mineral needed for soup.

I don't care what anybody says. I can't live on this. I gotta have seconds.

I got to have first.

You won't have room for dessert.

I'll rent room.

You get the suck on a balloon?

Dr. Berger is famous for his anything you wish dessert.

Dessert here is mind -blowing.

Well, that's more like it. A guppy could live on this.

Ready to order dessert?

Yes.

Baked Alaska with creme chantilly.

Hey, Felix, that sounds better than mine.

A hot fudge nut sundae with a lot of whipped cream.

Oscar, creme chantilly is whipped cream. Yeah, but I'm hungry. I like the

whipped cream on top of the whipped cream.

One baked Alaska with creme chantilly.

One baked Alaska with creme chantilly on a hot fudge sundae with whipped cream

overall.

Would you like nuts on it?

To drive us crazy?

So much of eating is for the mind alone, not the body, that the mere act of

going through the motions, pretending, satisfies.

Satisfies the guy who washes the dishes.

What are you doing?

I'm eating my baked Alaska.

So rich and freemium.

That's it.

He sends a puma, he says.

Your time flies out.

I smell hot pastrami. Am I going crazy? Do you smell hot pastrami? Yeah, I do,

sure. Oh, you do smell it? Yeah, when the wind's from the east.

What's the east wind got to do with it?

Max's delicatessen's up that way.

Max's delicatessen?

Yeah.

Oh, do they deliver?

I'm not even allowed to talk to him. I was only kidding. You know something,

Felix? You said Max's delicatessen. It didn't mean that to me.

I guess I'm over it. All that health food and everything. You see? The

psychology is working on you. That's the way... Lights out. Burger bedtime.

I am so tired.

I tell you, it's all that exercise and everything.

Yeah. Well, good night.

I'll never get used to sleeping with a low ring.

I had to sneak past all the guards. They've got a patrol here.

Get rid of that thing at once.

I'll swallow it all in 20 minutes without you.

Get rid of it. Get rid of it. I'm not a fool. Get this thing out of here. I'll

give you a karate chop. I learned from Hashimura.

All right.

You leave me no choice.

Hello?

This is Mr. Unger in room 112.

Who are you calling?

I wish to report my roommate.

Burger's first commandment. Thou shalt not eat in thy room.

I don't believe it. That's right. I'm sorry, Oscar.

It's for your own good. Now pack all that food up. Put it back in the bag.

mean they're going to try to take that food away from me? Every time.

Oscar,

no. Oscar, no.

He's not all bad.

I've known this man a long time and he's all bad.

You will be given punishment, Ed.

It doesn't mean that at all. It means that you will not get to go to the

tomorrow night. You'll get no unbuttered popcorn.

And if you're caught with food in your room again, you'll be expelled and have

nothing left but your own bag.

Not for me. You'd be on your way home now.

You wouldn't squeal at me again, would you? Yes, I would.

Give me some, Phoenix, or I'll have to kill you.

What did he say?

Said it was no skin off his apple.

I wouldn't blame you if you're mad at me, Oscar.

I don't know. I don't know how I did such a thing.

Turning in my own best friend?

I said I got mad at you. You were doing it for my good.

I'm the fool.

No.

I'm a fool thinking I can change you.

You know what, Felix?

I am going to try to change you. I'm going to try to eat the right foods. I'm

going to try to do the exercises, do everything that you think is right for

You've got to do things your way, that's all. Look, so you live 25 years, I'll

only last 20 years. What's the difference? As long as we'll be happy.

What is it, Phyllis? What's the matter?

I'll miss you.

Cleaning up.

Cleaning up?

Cleaning up the icebox.

Oscar, you know this food is poison.

This food gives me strength. Strength. On this kind of strength, you couldn't

three push -ups. Oh, don't bring up the push -ups. I never really was good at

push -ups. What I'm really a champ at is arm wrestling. That's what I'm a champ

at. Arm wrestling? I'm great at that.

Let's go.

I'm telling you, I'm warning you. You count.

All right.

I'm warning you.

One, two.