Original subtitles

Oh, Oscar, I'm glad you're home.

Just leaving you a note. I've got to go out on a job. I need a favor.

Can you wait, Felix? I need a beer in the shower.

Or a shower and a beer. I'm going to steal a beer in the shower.

Now he throws his nice jacket on the floor.

Why must you carry food in your pockets?

Answer's starting to follow you home.

What's the favor, Felix?

All I want you to do is answer a phone call for me. For who?

Angel Haven.

Angel. Hey, is that the big blonde with the mole? No, it's the cemetery where

I'm getting my plot.

See, I showed you the brochure. Cemetery? You gave me something from me,

No, no, no, no. I'm 100%. It's just that I've been going around weekends looking

for a plot.

Just preparing for when my time comes. I told you about this. Oh, that's where

you've been going, yeah. I thought you were out vacuuming Staten Island.

I don't believe people should wait until the last minute.

That's where we differ, buddy. I never heard of a corpse complaining about bad

timing.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What? I was good enough to pick this up for you. Thank you, Felix.

What do you say? Will you answer the phone for me?

Hello? Yes, speaking.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. I'll be down first thing tomorrow.

Oh, today.

Well, yes, I know there's a shortage in eternal housing, but... Well, this plot

is just perfect for me. Would you hold on a minute, please?

Oscar?

Oscar! What?

The cemetery's on the phone.

Tell them I'm not ready yet.

Oscar!

What? They say they've got to have a cash deposit by four o 'clock this

afternoon. Somebody else wants my plot.

I've got to go down on a job. Will you take it over there for me? Yeah, sure.

Oscar? My beer's getting soap in it, will you?

Make sure it's plot 204 by the babbling brook.

Babbling brook, don't panic.

I'll leave the money by the phone.

Hello? Yes. My friend Mr. Madison will bring the deposit over today.

Yeah, right away.

Will $100 be enough?

Fine. Good, thank you. Oh, and remember, plot 204 by the babbling brook. Yeah,

thank you. Bye -bye.

and I can't talk. I'm in the shower.

What?

Today?

What race?

Sure, I'm interested. Who gave you the tip?

The horse?

Oh, the horse's trainer.

Wouldn't you know it? A short thing I couldn't bet if I had to.

No. Why? Because I'm dead broke. That's why. All I got is a hundred hours.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

Nah, nah, I can't do it.

No, sure I'd like the tip, but how am I going to bet a man's burial money on a

horse race?

I know he's not going to die today.

Nah, I can't do it. Nah, I can't. I just, I can't. Will you forget it? I

Well, don't hang up. Talk me into it.

What'd you say the odds were?

Ten to one?

Listen, what are the odds of my getting some credit?

A thousand to one.

Listen, you know, it wouldn't be like stealing, right?

I mean, I'm only borrowing it, right?

Sure, that's reasonable, right? I'm going to return it on Monday, right?

Don't leave until I get the money to you.

Look at this.

I forgot the money.

I thought you were going to take me to lunch.

This is lunch, honey.

I got dressed up for a submarine sandwich?

I'm sorry, honey, but I've got to watch this race.

Holy mackerel. Hey, help me start the macaroni salad, will you?

Oscar, you know, as a woman, I'd say this isn't much of a date.

And as your doctor, I'd say it's a disaster.

Don't worry, honey. If I win, I'll buy some pig's knuckles.

Oh, I mean, if I win, I've got to win. I've got $100 on this horse.

And at the fine turn.

In the lead, it's matchmaker and Uncle Walter. That's my horse, Matchmaker.

It's Matchmaker and Uncle Waldo, Matchmaker pulling away. Come on, hurry,

for me. I'm taking you to the Bahamas.

Bahamas? Yeah.

It's Matchmaker by a lake, Uncle Waldo, Mermaid and Billy Boy. Come on, baby.

And coming into the stretch, it's Matchmaker by two lakes. Yes, two lakes,

lakes. Matchmaker by three lakes. Three lakes, three lakes. Matchmaker by four

lakes.

Matchmaker by four lakes.

Matchmaker by three lakes. No, four lakes, he said, four.

Matchmaker by two lakes. Matchmaker by four.

Don't turn it off, honey.

Here he comes.

Now you can turn it off.

Come on, Oscar. Put your head between your knees.

What are you doing?

Phoenix was right. The ants did follow me home.

I thought you was one of them $35 funerals.

This is just a little inside joke we have.

You must be the groundskeeper.

Yeah, uh -huh, yeah.

Is this where you're going to work? Yeah, yeah.

When the time comes. Well, it's a beautiful location.

Thank you.

You know anything about my next -door neighbor here?

Well, I don't know anything personal, but he was the first cellist for the

Philharmonic.

Yeah, he's one of the main attractions on our night of tours.

You have no idea how long I searched for just the right spot, and now I've found

it. Oh, so serene and peaceful here. Look at this lovely shade tree.

And there's the babbling brook.

Close enough to here, but far enough to avoid seepage.

Look, I want to talk to you. I don't know how to put it. What's the matter?

got troubles?

Yeah, I got troubles. That's why I want to talk to you.

Money troubles?

Well, probably money, but that's not all. Well, when you stop to think about

Is anything that important?

No, I don't... I don't think so.

Little troubles all seem to work their way away.

I realize that now that I'm here.

Life's problems are pretty minor, after all.

As long as you've got a place to come to in the end.

You ain't got no place.

That's what I'm trying to tell you, Felix. You're out in the cold.

I don't understand. You're not talking about this plot. Yeah, somebody beat you

out of it. I didn't get down here with the money and time and somebody else

copped your grave.

Copped my grave?

I don't believe this.

Well, it's true. So if you're going to die, don't die here because they're

to have to move you.

Oscar, how could... This is like a nightmare out of Charles Dickens. What

you do? Did you just forget?

No, I didn't forget. A better thing came along.

A better thing? It only didn't come along fast enough.

that lousy horse.

You didn't do this. Yes, I did, and I'm terribly sorry.

He's sorry.

He bets my grave on a horse and he tells me he's sorry.

Yes. You bet my eternal resting place on a sweaty animal and you tell me you're

sorry? I am sorry, Felix. Look, if I'd have won, you could have had two plots.

What do I want with two plots? What am I, the fat man in a circus?

What do you want to say?

You can say this is the most irresponsible thing you've ever done.

It's outrageous.

It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever done. It's outrageous.

Well, you're just saying that.

You told me to say it.

You could at least have the decency to apologize.

I apologize, Felix.

That's not going to get me back my grave, is it? Boys, boys, please, please

it down. People are trying to rest here.

He had the short thing.

Now he's got me talking to Greg.

Come on, Felix. Come on out.

I won't even talk to him.

Mr. Twitchell is here from Eternal Shores.

He's got a beautiful plot with a view of the George Washington Bridge.

You know how much you admire George Washington.

Tell him about our Rose Garden and the Sunday organ concert.

Did you hear that, Felix?

They promised... you a rose garden and an organ concert.

He's got a closed mind.

Did you tell him about our free parking and the playground for children?

The only child around here is in there.

I'm sorry. Well,

at least they kept one of our free calendars to remind you of our services.

We like to see our customers live while they can.

number is on it if you should need us.

Hey, that's an interesting place to put a phone number.

I saw

that,

Oscar.

Now you come out, huh? I didn't come out to see you.

I came out to get some nourishment. I can't die now.

Mr. Madison, I'd like to go to my bedroom. Oh, come on, Felix, give me a

I've been running around town for four hours. I've got 32 nice places for you

be. I had a nice place. I'll never live to see a nicer one. I know you did, but

these are nice, too. Look, here's one with a babbling brook. Huh?

Where's the shade tree?

I'll give you a shade tree as a going -away present.

My coffee's getting cold. Oh, come on, Felix, please. Oh, look at this.

Here's one with daisies and a picket fence.

Here's one with a view of the Brooklyn Academy of Music.

Oh, this one you're going to love. Look, it's only a mile and a half away from a

broom factory.

Please. Have you got one with a view of a racetrack?

Oh, don't be cruel, please. I might have wanted to watch a vault.

A vault is ostentatious. Watch this one.

Why don't you show me this? It's got a brook and a tree and a view.

Yeah, well, see, it's near a corner by a wall. You can't be over four foot

seven.

Hey, Phyllis, they could put you in diagonally.

Or you could crouch.

He's as much trouble dead as he is alive.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Listen, have you found a plug?

No.

Another submarine sandwich?

No, the same submarine sandwich.

I was talking to one of my patients. He bought a plug. in the same cemetery and

he's willing to sell it. You talked him into selling it? Well, with me as his

doctor, he knows he's going to live.

Yeah, Felix won't like it. Wait, now wait. You haven't even heard about it.

telling you he won't like it. King Tut was easier to bury than this guy.

Oscar is in the same area that Felix had.

It is? Yes, only about five yards away.

You mean the same location? Same location.

Same price? Same price.

What do you think? Do you think he'll like it? He'll like it. He'll love it.

got friends or have you got friends? Come on, we'll put a deposit down. Not

a minute. I want to look at it. What is there to look at? It's the same view,

same tree, same dumb babbling. Would you have some patience? After all, this is

forever.

What is he doing?

Who knows?

Practice.

not the same. The view is blocked by Split Carson.

Who's Split Carson?

The bowling king of eastern Long Island.

He sure must have loved the game. I never even noticed that. Well, how can

miss two bowling pins sticking up in the middle of the cemetery?

I don't want to stare at that through all eternity.

Come on, Felix. You won't see anything once they drop you into the ground.

And 204 here's under this beautiful shade. That thing's out in the blazing

Are you afraid you'll get a sunburn?

here that long, they're just going to drop their flowers and leave.

It really is just as nice as that one.

No, it's not.

It's farther from the brook.

Look how low that is. When it rains, I'll be in a puddle.

My suit will shrink.

I'll bury you in a raincoat.

Good morning.

Morning. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about 204.

So was I.

Well, this is a nice spot here, right next to the captain.

Captain? Yeah. Oh, Captain Ed.

For 30 years, he was on the Hudson. He ran one of them garbage scouts.

You're burying me between the captain of a garbage scout and the king of

bowling.

Over here, I was next to a concert cellist. He's on the guided tour,

Well, dig a tunnel you can visit.

I'll take it. No, now, you don't have to. No, no, it's all right.

It's not exactly what I had in mind, but it's good enough.

I guess I'm lucky to have anything.

I appreciate that, Felix. I know how you... Well, honey, that's settled. At

least he'll take it. No. He said he would. They don't know him like I do.

time he sees a babbling brook, he'll start babbling.

Every time he hears organ music, he'll start humming My Blue Heaven.

And whenever he sniffles, he'll remind me how I loused up his eternity.

Not here. Back, back, back. It's like living with a chicken.

I think I'll get back to the hospital. Things are happier there.

No, honey, do me a favor, will you?

Take Felix back to the apartment. I got an idea.

Just do it, will you, honey? Please, no questions.

Split Carson.

Beloved husband.

Devoted father.

Never threw a gutter ball.

Would you just step into my office and have a seat?

Thank you.

Now then, what can I do for you?

Well, I want to ask about a plot.

Ah, yes.

For yourself or a loved one?

Believe me, neither.

I just want to know who bought plot 204.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's... privileged information, privilege for

this little box. We don't give that out to the public.

Well, I can appreciate that, but I want to help my friend Felix Unger. Oh, yes,

Mr. Unger. Very nice man.

Sorry to lose him.

Well, you don't have to lose him. Just give me the name.

I'm sorry, sir, but it's a matter of ethics.

Besides, the owner may be leaving this earth very soon.

Well, maybe he'd like to make a little profit before he goes.

I mean, he paid 500 for it. I'll give him 750.

But you couldn't give him anything if you didn't have his name.

Okay, okay, I'll double it. I'll give him $1 ,000 for the plot. No.

You'll give him $750 for the plot. Oh, thank you.

And you'll give me $250 for his name.

But that is... I know.

But the cemetery game is a jungle.

Okay, you've got a deal.

And you've got a name. And you've got a nerve.

I think we're too late.

Maybe we'd better go.

Poor man.

What are you whispering about?

Mr. Bengstrom, we thought you might be asleep.

I was, but that whispering woke me up.

Are you from the Oxygen Company?

No, no, no. We just came from Angel Haven.

Angel? Oh, they do care.

Would you shut the door, please? There's a draft.

You came for my measurement?

Measurements?

No, Angela Haven gave us your name. We don't work there.

Oh. Did you wipe your feet before you came in? I can't stand dirt. Oh, yes,

did. You didn't bring any pollen, did you, Angela Haven?

Good, good.

I can't ask him that. Why? What's the difference? I wish you wouldn't whisper.

I... I'm also...

Paranoid.

We're sorry.

What do you gentlemen want?

It's nothing. It's nothing.

Well, you want to come for something?

As a matter of fact... Be tapped.

I will be.

We want to buy your grave. My grave!

Forget it. I'm not selling my grave.

Some other jerk tried to beat me out of it, but he didn't get his deposit in on

time. Oh, having that grave.

It's the only thing that keeps me going.

It's stuffy in here.

No offense intended, I assure you.

Does he seem familiar to you?

Never saw him before.

No, I mean, does he remind you of anybody?

No.

If you don't mind my asking, Mr. Bengstrom, what... What is it you have?

What's wrong with you?

I've got it.

What are the doctors saying?

Doctors? Ha! What do they know?

They say there's nothing wrong with me. That shows you what they know.

Well, maybe they're right. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with you.

Are you joking?

With all the disease in this world?

With the millions and billions of germs right here in this room?

How could I be healthy? I mean, what are my odds?

Are you sure he doesn't remind you of somebody?

I had an uncle who had exactly that coloring just before he passed away.

No, Felix. He reminds me of you.

I don't have to. It's because I've got to go to the bathroom.

May we help you?

Help? No. Why?

You're limping. I am?

See? I predicted that.

Come on. Wait a minute, Felix. He's got 204. You've got 212. Try to switch.

Let him keep it.

Let him use it in good health. What?

I mean it.

Angel Haven can wait. Hello, life.

Do I really remind you of that?

beautiful day. The sky is blue. The clouds are billowing. There's a feeling

spring in the air. There's no time to be obsessed with graves and cemeteries.

That's depressing.

Guess what I bought?

A giant ant colony.

And in case you should marry Nancy or I go back with Gloria, I can get more of

their open stock.

Aren't they wonderful, so modern and neat? That's what I like best, the

neatness. What is yours?

That one.

It's for my ashes.

I'm giving you a head start.