Original subtitles

I wonder if I'm too old to be discovered by the Mets.

Yeah, they're calling me already.

Hello. Hey, Speed, am I glad you called. I just hit a home run, broke up a tight

ball game, 16 to 16. I'm on down 300 footer.

Why do I care about your horses?

Now, Ford, listen,

Speed. All right. Everybody wants to talk about themselves.

Am I glad you're home?

Listen, I hit a home run today, 400 feet... What is this, Oscar?

New decor?

Early locker room?

Well, I'll pick it up later. Listen... Oscar,

Oscar, Oscar.

What did you do, come home in a dirty cab?

Oscar, tell me honestly.

What?

Do you like my face?

Do I like that?

Of course I like your face.

I don't carry your picture around in my wallet, though.

I'm very fond of my face.

Good, I'm fond of mine, too. I like my elbow. I'm crazy about my neck. Peter!

Peter! Will you stop honking, Peter? Get to the point. Peter, that is the point.

I went to see this new doctor. He tells me he can't stop honking.

So?

I have to have a new nose.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience.

New nose could change me.

It'd be a whole different personality.

Think he could operate tomorrow?

Is that a sensitive friend talking?

No, that is a bored friend talking.

I've listened to you talk about your nose for so long, it's like living with

Pinocchio.

Just don't rush into major surgery.

Do you? A hangnail is major surgery.

You've been to so many doctors. How many different ones are you going to try?

Your very own doctor, Dr.

Melnitz, whom you love, whom you trust, told you at that... What was it?

Deviated septum. Deviated septum, years ago.

He told you it was a simple operation.

It would not alter the shape of your nose.

You won't accept it. Isn't it a normal human thing to want to get a second

opinion? You've been to ten doctors, two chiropractors, and a gypsy fortune

teller.

The gypsy was a friend. I don't consider her serious.

Hey, Sir Felix, no matter what any doctor says, you're not going to have it

done. And believe me, you need an operation.

Warn me the next time you open a beer. I'll put on my scuba suit.

And fall over the beautiful Leslie.

You're going to do something about it. Everything, everything, everything. Take

a doctor.

Look, I'll get on with the hunting.

Felix, do something about it.

Your entire no situation is beginning to depress me.

Forgive me if my affliction depresses you.

In Africa, when one of the elephants gets sick, he crawls off alone into the

jungle and dies.

Hold it, Dumbo. Don't die.

Felix, I'm thinking of your good. For instance, I'm worrying about tonight,

ex -wife's bridge game.

What? What?

You and Nancy are coming, aren't you? Sure, we're coming. But you say you want

to get back with Gloria, right? Yes.

Well, I don't want you to blow it by talking about your nose depressing

everybody. Me?

Oscar, I'm usually the life of the party.

Felix, you are many things.

You're a wonderful cook. You're a great father. Go ahead.

Pick on a man with one nostril.

I'll make a deal with you. I won't pick on you if you don't mention your nose

once tonight.

Don't say all right there. I won't mention my nose. I won't mention my nose

tonight. No, no.

You look so cute on the outside.

Felix will be right here. He's saying goodnight to the children.

This is such a lovely home. It's so sparkling clean.

Oh, thank you.

Felix has dusting privileges.

Marita, why do you let Leonard sleep all crumpled up in a ball like that?

Most children don't sleep at attention.

No coasters. I bid one heart. Can I bid here?

What's the matter?

Are the cards dirty again?

I washed them.

I was just looking at the nose on the king of hearts. Bid, bid, bid.

I think the king of fates needs a nose job.

Who was speaking of noses when you play I bid one heart? Did he go and see

another doctor about his nose? Yeah, you got custody of his children, I got

custody of his nose.

Your nose ruined your marriage.

Tell him.

Tell him my nose had nothing to do with our marriage.

I bet all those years of honking, they affected the children, too.

Not really.

But until the children were three years old, they did think their daddy was a

goose.

Felix,

I'm not a surgeon, but I think if you're miserable, you should have an

operation.

has never had an operation before.

I think he's afraid of me. Oh, now the truth comes out, doesn't it, buddy?

you understand?

Yes, I think you're twice as silly.

Everybody has operations today. What's to be afraid of? I don't know, but I'm

afraid. Felix, a witch doctor isn't going to come along and bop you on the

with a rattle or something. There's modern medicine.

Forget it, Marcus Welby. We all have our little quirks, haven't we?

Felix, I strongly feel you should let Dr. Melnitz do a simple rhinoplasty.

What?

It's just minor surgery.

What do you call it? What's it?

Rhinoplasty. Rhinoplasty. No, no, no.

All right, Felix, then look at it this way.

Your nose bugs you and everybody else, right? If you don't do something about

it, you could lose a friend, a roommate, and an ex -wife.

He's right, Felix. You are being a little silly.

Why don't you, Felix?

Come on.

Okay, good, you'll do it. No, no, I'll leave it to fate.

Fate gave me the nose, and fate will take my nose away.

have the operation. If I pick a red card, I see another doctor and have

consultation. A black card, you have the operation, huh? Go ahead. I don't know.

Well, don't arrange them. Pick a card.

Oh, buddy.

Black card, you have the operation, okay? It's all settled. You're doing the

right thing, Felix. I'm proud of you, Felix.

Pick the ace of spades.

The death card.

Once Felix gets you to that hospital, he's going to love it.

Even the dust is sterilized. I felt sorry for him. Why?

As they put him to bed, he kept saying, let me pick another card.

He wasn't that nervous.

I heard him tell one of the nurses her uniform had a smudge on it.

Come on, honey, we're going to be late for the game.

You got my glove?

Not only do I have it, I oiled it for you. Oh, Oscar, how romantic.

I can't tell you how happy I am without Felix's nose haunting me with that

medley of noises.

We're going to have such a ball today, just you and me and no feelings.

You all right?

Yeah, I must have stepped on... Honey, what?

Oh, my ankle. I think something's snapped inside my own body.

Does it hurt here? Here, here.

Does that answer your question?

Oscar, can you move your foot? Can you step on it? I'm just trying, honey. I

can't. Oh, honey, now you've done it. I've done it? What I've done? What? What

did I do? What?

I think you snapped your Achilles tendon.

How do I snap it back?

Usually it's just a minor operation.

Can I stop?

Anybody else?

Don't help me. I'd rather do it myself.

Why do they have to operate?

You heard Dr.

Freilich. He's a specialist.

You put me in the same room with Felix?

Well, you see... I requested it. Dr. Mellis told me what happened to you, so

asked for you to be put in here.

Isn't this a great room?

The truth is, Oscar, his other roommate requested to get out of here.

The guy they were afraid to move?

Maybe that x -ray machine is broken because my foot feels fine.

Easy, easy, easy.

Do you need anything else, Dr. Cunningham? No, thanks. That's fine.

Now, look, Oscar.

The x -ray said that you have a cleanly severed Achilles tendon.

There's no doubt about it, and it's not a complicated operation.

Yeah, but let's be fair. I've only had one doctor's opinion.

Dr. Freilich has done many of these. This is the tie of modern medicine.

not going to have some witch doctor, Bobby. Oh, who's asking you?

You won't feel a thing, Oscar. You'll be unconscious.

I will, too, won't I? Won't I? I get an anesthetic, too, don't I? I request it.

Dr. Melnick told me you beg.

She also said my eyes will be bad. Yeah, that's right. Just for a day or so

because the block in the septum is up high so your eyes... Will you stop

about his nose? I want to talk about my foot. It's my girl. Boys, I've got to

get back to work now. Dr. Milnes will fix your nose and Dr.

Freilich will fix your foot.

You're both in very good hands. Come and see me soon. Isn't this great?

Isn't this great?

Let's have some TV.

It's just a sprain. I don't believe that doctor.

You want my gypsy's phone number?

Why don't you stop it?

Want the truth? I'll give you the truth.

I'm a little bit afraid of the army. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Now, don't you see how it is?

You don't need any TV.

I'm glad you're man enough to admit it.

I'm very sorry about what happened to you, but isn't it good that we're

together? We can cheer each other up.

What do we do, sing songs?

That's a very good idea.

That's what we did in the army when we were afraid.

At Anzio, before we went into combat, we sang, Jim never even sent her.

That's what you sang at Anzio?

That was our sergeant's name, Jim.

Talk to the chef. And I want to go to sleep. Then go to sleep. Yeah, but I

want to argue with the chef. How long you should cook mashed potatoes? Not

the mashed potatoes. It's the whole meal.

Airlines serve better food than this.

Felix, think about the poor chef. He has to cook for people whose taste buds are

numb for medicine. They eat lying down.

Some of them eat intravenously.

How would you like to cook a pressed duck, have a guy eat it through his arm?

Why don't you use it? I don't want to use it.

I'm so disappointed. I was looking forward to this meal.

They don't give us any breakfast tomorrow morning, you know.

Call the chef.

Now I can go to sleep.

Don't go to sleep before the nun comes. Before the nun comes? You called the

nun?

She's on the floor.

But you're not even a castle. No, but I'm scared.

Yes, thank you. You both look very well. Thank you.

We're both being operated on tomorrow morning, sister.

Maybe you could say a few words.

Is there such a thing as a deviated septum prayer?

Not specifically.

But I will say a prayer.

Thank you. Mr. Madison here. Sprained ankle. You don't lie to a nun.

Mr.

Madison has a torn Achilles tendon.

Maybe you can cover us both with the same prayer. You don't have to worry

anything. But I will say a prayer for the two of you. Thank you, sister.

Goodbye. Good night.

You think it could help?

Couldn't hurt.

No.

I still love my ex -wife.

Good.

Now you tell me a truth.

I don't want to drive you to Wyoming.

Tell me a real truth.

Nancy has a mole on her left hip.

You're the best friend I ever had. No, you're the best friend I ever had. Oh,

let's not fight. Let's make friendship our motto. That is our motto.

Showtime. Take him first.

I'm not afraid.

I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid.

Let's go.

I'm not afraid. Let's go. Wait, wait.

Are there candles in the operating room? What for?

In case there's a power failure so you can finish the operation.

brothers you know.

with this nut. How was I supposed to know you put your palm on the jump seat?

I can't see, you know.

And you didn't help me smoking that foul cigar in the cab with my condition.

He leaves you yelling in a plant.

Did you close the door, Gloria? I didn't hear the door close.

Your condition, your condition. A little corn plaster on the nose. Have you...

These crutches are killing me. But first, let me take care of my migraine.

Gloria? Yes?

Gloria?

Mantelpiece?

Candlestick?

Gloria? Yes?

Are you going to finish reading to me or what? I'm coming, Felix.

Gloria, help me. Okay, here we go. You're my eyes, Gloria. Okay.

Duffy, isn't it, Gloria? Use the air freshener. You'll find it right there on

the counter.

You know, when you can't see, your other senses become so much more acute.

That's good.

Read to me now, Gloria.

You forgot the whipped cream, Gloria.

Gloria, you got to take care of him for me. He has two eyes. He can see. I'm

only your former husband.

Gloria? Sorry, Felix. I'm just not perfect.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

Nobody's perfect.

There's a big mole on her hip.

How did you know that?

I don't know.

Gloria, this thing is itchy. Will you throw a hanger down there? No, no, no.

Don't do that. He's not supposed to scratch. Gloria, get me a glass of

Water. With some shaved ice, darling. And maybe a straw.

Huh? Now, you just sit right here. Where are you going? And everything will be

all right. I have got to leave. I'm sorry, but I have got to leave. Where

you going, Gloria?

I just have to get out of here. I'm sorry. Gloria?

If you need anything, call Nancy.

Did you leave, Gloria?

No.

Oh, no.

For some strange reason, Gloria left.

I don't blame her.

When this thing hits you, it gets so cranky. What are you doing out of bed?

are you doing in here?

I missed you.

I'm here to sit and read.

I'll call up and find out what time it is. It's eight o 'clock.

Your watch is never right.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

Six.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Eight.

One, two... Look at this. I'm on Sesame Street.

Give me the phone. No, no, no. I don't want to disturb you. This is very good

therapy for me. Believe me.

I forgot where I was.

One, two, three, four, five.

anyway. Oh, it's a good idea you should go to bed.

Thank you.

At least I'll tidy up a little bit before I go.

I can't even see. I can tell it's messy.

Instinct.

I'll empty the ashtray.

Now, will you sit down, Felix?

Clean, because I don't know what else to do.

Go fill the tub and bob for apples.

Oscar,

I don't like to disturb you, but how's your cigar ash?

My cigar ash is fine.

How are your shoelaces?

Because I don't want your ash to get long and fall down on the couch. I can't

afford a fire when I can't see.

Felix, I just put it out.

I heard that.

Where are you going?

You won't give me a minute's peace. Boy, you're crazy. You know that? You're

absolutely crazy.

With your cleanliness, you're driving crazy.

Pack your things and get out!

You're kicking a blind man out in the middle of the night?

Oscar, do you realize what you're saying? I chose every word very

out!

All right.

Point me in the door.

You're pointed. You're pointed. Go ahead.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's the lamp. I'm all right. I didn't hurt myself much. It's

all right.

Don't help me. It's the lamp.

I know where I am. I can make it.

It's the sofa.

It's the sofa.

You're big.

You don't have to help me. I know where I am. I know it.

I know where I am. This is the steps.

The steps. The closet door.

So this is the way it ends, huh, Oscar?

Very good, Mr. Cole.

So this is what friendship means, huh?

All right, Oscar, if this is the way you want it, then it's the way it is.

Felix.

Felix, I just remembered our friendship.

The one we made in the hospital.

That's why you want me to stay.

That and you're wearing Gloria's coat. I don't want you to get arrested.

Oscar.

Thank you.

I'm man enough to admit I'm glad to stay.

Oscar. Look.

You're not the easiest man in the world to live with.

But maybe we can work out something between us. Lamp.

Couch. I have my problems, Oscar. Oscar.

soldiers shoot, and they all lived happily ever after.

Nobody lives happily ever after in Hamlet.

Nobody lives.

I'm so dizzy from reading Hamlet, I want to go to bed.

Do me a favor, would you? What? I know I made you a promise I won't plead

anymore, but this air in this room is so stuffy. What do you care? You're going

to sleep. How can I sleep knowing it's stuffy?

Just for me, just this once.

Just before we go to bed, let me freshen up a little bit.