Original subtitles

Oh, that feels good.

You're in tremendous shape, Unger.

Hi! I'm back here.

You must have had an easy day.

You're home early.

Easy? Oh, that's good.

Something's happened.

You're mad at somebody.

Dear... Who's Ingrid?

I don't want to talk about her.

You're mad at somebody.

A brown left eye.

And a brown jacket. Who do I know who has brown eyes and a brown suit?

I need a nose. Well, a nose. I'll give you a nose. A nose.

I hate full noses.

Looks like your boss.

What are you doing throwing away all the newspapers?

I hate my newspaper and that is not my boss.

Sure looks like him. It's my ex -boss. I was just fired.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison. Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?

You're lucky he didn't fire you years ago.

What did you do wrong?

Why do you assume I did something wrong? Because he fired you. If you fired him,

I'd assume he did something wrong. I don't want to talk about it, all right?

No, no. Instead, you'll eat, won't you? The way you always do when you're upset.

The only thing that calms me down. Look at that poison he's going to put in his

stomach. Pepperoni, bologna, hot pastrami.

That's a suicide kit for a man with an ulcer. Oh, I forgot something. Red

peppers. We got red peppers.

Please, what happened?

Nothing. I didn't go to the Pan -American badminton championship.

The Pan -American badminton championship? Is that important?

Of course not. It's usually held in somebody's backyard.

We never devote more than two lines to it. So instead of going, I called up,

they gave me the scores, and I put it in a paragraph.

And? He didn't like the story? He loved it. He printed it word for word. Well,

what is he, some sort of badminton nut? What was wrong?

Well, you see...

The guy who lost, he got mad.

He pulled out a gun and he shot the referee in the leg.

Naturally, they didn't tell me that on the telephone.

My headline said, Johnson beats Ortega. Their headline said, Ortega shoots

referee. That was poor sportsmanship.

That's what I said. But he said, oh, a reporter could find a good story anyway.

He was right to fire you. Again, he was right to fire me? You were derelict in

your duties. If you worked for me, I'd fire you too.

Felix, if I worked for you, I'd quit.

He's home five minutes. This room's a mess. The whole kitchen's a mess.

Have you... Have you thought about what you're going to do now?

Felix, I've only been out of work a half hour.

I'm looking at classifieds later. You're just giving up, huh? Who's giving up?

Well, you've been fired from your job of 15 years. They've thrown you out. They

don't want you anymore.

You're not as young as you used to be. What's the age? How old are you? What's

the difference? Will you forget the age?

Just say I'm not as young as I used to be.

Besides, will you forget about this? It happens all the time.

Okay.

And he always fires me. Then he threatens to bring in his nephew, the

painter, to do my column. But he always calls me and he begs me to come back.

Yes, sir, I agree. We do need Madison back.

Yes, sir, I planned on calling him today.

I wish the buck stopped here.

Yes.

Mr. Donnelly?

Yes, can I help you?

I'm Felix Unger.

I'm Oscar Madison's roommate.

Oh.

Come to clean out his desk.

Alone? You're very brave.

Why are you cleaning out his desk?

You fired him.

Oh, I didn't really fire Madison.

Well, I mean, I fired him, but I do it at least once a year. It's sort of a

running gag.

That's terrible.

Huh? Pulling gags on people as if they're something you buy in a novelty

I don't think that's funny.

I suppose you have squirting flowers and whoopee cushions, too.

I don't think you quite understand. I understand that Oscar deserves better

to be made the brunt of a gag.

Writers like Oscar Madison don't grow on trees, you know. He deserves an apology

from you. He deserves a raise.

A raise?

What, are you crazy?

Offer Madison a raise. He's already the most overpaid sports writer in this

town. He's lucky I'm even considering taking him back the way he slops up the

office. I don't think it's necessary to raise your voice, Mr. Dunham. I'm not

raising my voice under. I'm emphasizing.

You newspaper men never get a name right, do you? Would you get this right?

I was going to hire Madison back, but after talking to you, I changed my mind.

Now get his junk and scram. He's fired. You can't do that, Oscar. I can fill the

job in one minute. With whom?

Your nephew, the house painter?

Yes, my nephew, the house painter. And you're right.

Riders like Madison don't grow on trees under, they grow under them. Now get

out!

You're not a nice man.

And so we join Sharabeth Gleeson, the world -renowned ceramics designer and

amnesiac, in searching for Winnie, the stray pony with the brain tumor.

You'll remember that Winnie was seen yesterday in front of an all -night

stop near the San Bernardino Opera.

How's the amnesia?

We're watching so many of these soap operas.

This is about a stray pony who also has a brain tumor.

I want to talk to you about your job situation.

That's very considerate of you, Phoenix, but I want to see if the pony gets rid

of the brain tumor.

What if, um...

Hypothetically, of course, but what if Donnelly doesn't call you?

You're really on the word.

Don't worry, he'll call you. Yeah, but what if he doesn't?

What if he doesn't? He will, he will.

He won't.

He won't?

I did it.

You did it?

You did what?

You went down there? I went down there. You went down there. And you told him? I

told him. You told him. What did you tell him?

I told him the job was beneath you.

Didn't he?

But now I'm really fine.

Want to see the pony with the brain tumor?

No, thanks. I think I have one of my own.

I had a lot of extra sugar in my glove compartment.

Anyhow, the pony looked at me sort of weirdly and kicked up its hind legs and

fainted. I leaped out of my pickup truck, ran after him, but he recovered

quickly. And he galloped off.

In that direction, I think.

Hey, lady, do you want some sugar?

Mad at me?

I'm speechless.

First penniless, then speechless.

How could you do it? Do I interfere with you when you try to go back with your

ex -wife?

Oscar, listen to me.

What do you need this kind of life for? It's the only kind of life I know.

Look at it realistically. You're not getting any younger. How old are you?

right, for the past 15 years, you've been the highest -paid sports writer in

East. And with taxes and alimony, what have you saved?

Three and a half cents.

There are men in this town with half your talent and half your age earning

what you earn, and they don't have to follow Orioles and Indians all over the

country. Don't you understand? I'd like to follow the Orioles and the Indians

around. It's no lie. That's why you're working for that rude man eating that

rotten ballpark food.

Well, the food may be rotten, but the peanuts are great. It's salty. So what

have you got to show for 15 years? A craving for peanuts?

You're an intelligent man.

You don't have to be a sports writer all your life.

When you were a kid, didn't you have an ambition?

Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, I once wanted to be a doctor.

Ah.

No, but I don't mean a regular doctor. Team physician so I could be around all

the sports players.

Oscar. All right, Felix. I admit it's not the greatest life in the world, but

like it. The only drawback is you don't get to meet girls.

What does that mean?

Come to my studio tomorrow morning. Felix, I don't have much of a future as

high fashion model. Listen to me. I know someone who may be interested in hiring

you. I don't know. You've done such a banged up job with my career. Trust me.

That's all I ask. Trust me.

Don't cry. I'll trust you, Felix. Don't cry.

I can't look at this room.

What's the matter with the room?

I'm interested in your friend Madison, but are you sure he's harem material?

He's a very fine writer. Your magazine could use a quality writer.

That's all we have.

Yeah. Now, let's lift the test tube a little bit higher, please. That's the

beaker. The thin one's the test tube.

That's it. He does have that mellifluous writing style that's synonymous with

our publication. It's an interesting thought.

I want to get everything right here because Mr. Buffingham is very, very

particular about what goes in his magazine.

How's that look? Is that what you're after?

It's too serious.

Philosophy is her major. Chemistry is just a hobby.

There we are. Big smile. Big smile. That's it. That's it.

Good. All right, that's it.

That's good. That's fine.

Honey, come over here. But I haven't shot a whole roll of film yet.

Come here.

I suppose you've read my essay on the Puritan ethic.

Get it?

Oscar, oh, boy, do you look sharp.

Nearly two weeks ago you said the suit was ugly. You look like a million

dollars. Ah, you must be old Madison.

It's Oscar Madison.

This is Bo Buffingham, the editor of Hera magazine.

Hey, I am glad to meet you. I read your magazine all the time.

Even the articles.

Well, I read your column.

I must say you have a very insightful understanding into the psychosexual

of athletics.

For example, I found your description of Joe Namath's touchdown passes

absolutely erotic.

Football is erotic?

Oscar, Felix tells me you're not with that tabloid anymore.

Yeah, I guess. Well, how creatively fulfilling can it be to spend your life

describing quarterbacks on the free throw line?

Oscar,

have you decided what you're going to do?

Well, it's very hard.

We might have something at harem that might be more creatively fulfilling.

Why don't you stop by the office this afternoon? 2 .30 be all right?

Sounds fantastic.

Sure you did. A smock is mine.

And the glasses.

Honey?

Is he serious?

Oh, yeah.

He did a whole issue on seriousness.

No, no.

I don't like this one.

With three chicks hanging all over him, you can't even see the sweater.

Let's go with two chicks.

Heavy.

Yeah. Mr. Madison to see you, Buffy.

Good. Send him in.

Take down everything I say.

Might come in handy for my column.

Feeling well?

Oh, yes. How are you?

Like a haircut?

No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.

How do we all help?

It's a great office. Just a great office. You like it?

Yeah. It's not mine.

Just down here while they're using my penthouse for a layout.

I'm doing a special issue.

on the sexual revolution that I've helped bring to this country.

That's all, honey.

That's all.

Save those cut hairs from my mother's scrapbook, man.

Anybody laugh?

I'd like to do something that's more important, more significant.

What about... What about nude astronauts?

No, better yet.

This is beautiful, isn't it?

Nude astronauts.

It is clever, isn't it?

Had some of your stuff read to me. It's good, boy.

Thank you. It's good.

Clean. Crisp. To the point. Thank you very much.

Like Hemingway. Thank you.

And myself.

That's why I'm prepared to offer you 20 % more than you were earning on the

paper. You mean to work on your staff?

Mm -hmm. We need men like you at home. Excuse me a minute.

I've even taken a liberty, uh... Thank you.

Whoa.

Whoa?

What's W -O?

What? Wait a minute.

No, no, no. You see, you got the cufflinks turned around.

It's, uh, O -M.

O -N.

Yeah.

What's O -N?

It's your initials. My initials because my name is Oscar.

Just if I'd known how to wear a long -sleeved shirt.

Would you like a long -sleeved shirt? No, thanks.

Are you sure?

No, I got them all, Brown. One's black. A lot of shirts.

Well,

how about it? You gonna join the team?

Well, Mr.

Buffingham, I really don't... Buffy.

B .B., you're just calling me Buff. Buff. Buff.

Well, Buff, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to say no.

Can't say no. Why not? I want you. Oh.

copper as that. Don't bother me.

Look at it.

Good, good. Ten of the best. Yeah, I like them. So do I.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll not only offer you 20 % more than you were earning on your last job, plus

an expense account, but also this office.

Well, nobody's perfect.

Write that down, honey.

Gives me a humble image.

You'd let me have this office? Mm.

Gee, I don't know. Gee, I don't know if I'd fit in. You're a meticulous man.

You'd like to know more about the kind of people you're going to be working

with. I think you should meet some of your new staff.

Send Mr.

Madison's staff in, please.

It'll be kicks.

She's nice.

She's nice.

What does she do?

Most of the work.

You need any coffee?

Ready for an hour.

Nine o 'clock in the morning, he's still in his robe.

When do you get dressed?

Well, Buffy took me aside. He told me not to come in so early. You know,

up, make my own hours.

What time do you go to work?

I don't know, about 11 .30, 12 o 'clock.

Will you do the breakfast dishes?

No.

Hey, Phoenix, you know you were right. This is the greatest job in the world.

I'm glad you're happy.

What? Listen, you've been promising to come to lunch all week.

What about this afternoon?

What time?

Oh, I don't know. How does three sound to you?

Sounds kind of late for lunch to me.

Felix, don't get caught up in that middle -class jazz, eating at nine and

at six.

Gotta hang loose, let things happen. That's the harem philosophy.

I like to eat my meals at regular hours. That's the hunger philosophy.

I have to go to work.

I don't have the luxury of keeping my staff waiting.

Want your newspaper?

No, thank you. I'll buy a fresh one.

Wait a minute, honey.

Well, what do you think, O .M.? What's O .M.? Oh, that's me, O .M.

Listen, I like the Roman orgy. Keep the girl on the skewer. Oh, right on.

Hiya, Felix, old buddy. How are you?

Wow. Would you like a drink?

Come on, what's your pleasure feel?

My pleasure, ask.

Um, ginger ale.

Ginger ale on the rocks with a twist of lemon. And hold the calls, will you,

honey? Well,

huh?

You really like it, huh? Oh, I'm the happiest guy in the whole world.

Gee whiz. Is that a view?

Yeah. I'm telling you, this job is sensational.

Come on, I want you to see something. I've been waiting for you all day. I'm

like a kid with a new toy. Come here.

You see this? Yeah. This is called a control center, see?

Now, I press this button in the morning, and a tape recorder starts, and it

takes everything that's set in this office down all day. That's innovative.

And look at this. Look at that.

Three major networks plus educational television.

You need that, huh? Of course you need it. It's a must in this business, Felix.

You've got to keep abreast of things.

I suppose the desk turns into a bed.

No, but the bookcase does.

What happens to the books? Oh, they're fake. Now, is this fantastic, Felix, or

is this fantastic?

This is fantastic. I told you. It doesn't seem like you, but... But it is

Felix. This is the real me.

You don't miss sports?

No, this is the greatest job in the whole world.

Felix, I want to thank you. You're the one responsible for it. I know.

Boy, if these books were real, they would be great. Just forget about the

Tonight, you're going to be my personal guest at a swinging party that Buffy's

throwing up in his apartment.

Yes, sir. Right after he tapes his TV show. We're going to have a yay -yay,

dears. Oh, great.

Thank you.

What's a yay -yay?

Well, that's a yay, and that's a yay.

And you put them together, and that's a yay -yay.

I don't know.

It's wrong.

Beds in the volcano.

That's not our theory. He won't go for it. It's wrong. It's wrong.

He ever liked that sort of thing before? He's not going to like it now.

sets again.

Pause the rubber.

Checks his signal and the pitch.

It's another long one. Going, going.

Nope. It's foul.

That one looked like it was going to be another homer. Hi, O .M.

Why don't you come up and have some fun?

Oh, well, I had some work to do and the music is so loud.

Oh. Now, what's going on up there? Oh, a guy's about to put a lampshade on his

head. We're having a ball. Okay, go ahead. Listen, I'll be here in a few

minutes. I'll join you, okay? Okay. I'll be right up. Bye -bye.

You came down to watch the ball game?

Well, the music was so loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

How come you're watching on this, not on the multi -paneled wall?

Well, a tube blew out, and the repairman had to take it back to the shop.

Took out the whole wall.

Those guys make a fortune, don't they?

The guy just got hit with a ball. He was a friend of mine. We used to go out for

beers after the game.

Well, now he was just lying there, a figure on the screen at home plate. I

didn't know whether he got hit with a fastball or a curve.

You're unhappy.

You're miserable.

Why? Because I'd rather watch a baseball game than listen to a loud rock band?

Loud rock band's made up of five nude girls. This isn't you. Come on.

I blame myself.

I never should have got you involved in Harrah.

Your heart's still back in sports.

Look, I don't want to discuss it. Some sports isn't out of my system yet. It

will be.

Phoenix, will you leave me alone?

You want anything?

Just privacy.

Mr. Donnelly?

Who are you?

Oh, yeah.

Say, let's let bygones be bygones, shall we? I understand your feelings. I do, I

really do. I've come to apologize. Look, I told you last week, Madison's through

here, and so are you.

What do you think of my story, Uncle Bill?

You write like a house painter.

Look, nobody asks a 300 -pound football player what his favorite color is.

Figured it'd be a good way to break the ice.

You know, nine out of ten people say red.

This'll never do. I'll have to rewrite it myself.

How many times do I have to tell you? No more questions about paints.

I'm just trying to be thorough, Uncle Bill.

Morris, why don't you take the rest of the day off?

I'll handle this.

Thanks, Uncle Bill, but I can't go home for a while. I forgot my house key.

That explains a lot.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly what I'm talking about. I came here to apologize, but you're

the one who should apologize to the people of this city for printing that

rubbish instead of Oscar's column.

You're right.

I am.

Yes, well, my nephew is not working out too well.

As a matter of fact, he's not a very good house painter either.

Frankly, we need Oscar back.

You should have thought of that before you fired him. Now, don't start up with

that again.

Tell me, how's Oscar doing over at Haram? I heard he really likes it.

Well, he's crazy about it. Listen, why not?

It's like Tahiti with all the modern conveniences.

Hey, Mr. Sports.

Do you think he wishes he was still here? Because if he does, I'd like to

him back.

I never realized how much I really needed him.

That's the understatement of the year.

Well, give him your message. That's about his race. Now, don't start up with

that again.

I'll convey your offer.

Thanks.

Don't be too disappointed if he turns you down.

He wants you back so much he'll give you absolutely anything you want. He's

willing to give you a raise. He said he would give me a raise.

Not in so many words. He wants you back so much he can taste it. He'll give you

absolutely anything. He'll give you complete freedom to write anything you

He said he would give me complete freedom to write anything I want. He

it. He implied it. Fetus, what did he actually say?

He wants to talk to you.

It's great to be back in sports, you know, the press boxes and the locker

and everything.

Peanuts. Especially the peanuts.

And I'm glad Buffingham accepted my resignation so nicely. I was a little

worried about it. Really? Yeah. It was very nice of him to give you his book,

The Gospel According to Buffy. That's nice.

What do you mean nice? In exchange for the book, I had to give him back his

cufflinks.

That's droll.

You know, I thought I would love the harem lifestyle.

Wild parties, the posh horses, the turtlenecks. It's not you. You don't

there. You belong back in sports.

I'm glad you got all of that out of your system.

Almost all of it, anyway.

Yeah.