Original subtitles

I'm sorry, just one minute.

Just one minute.

Felix Hunger Studio, this call is being answered mechanically. When you hear the

tone, you may leave a brief message.

Beep. Cut it out, will you, Felix? I know it's you.

That beep usually fools everybody.

Yeah, well, I know beeps. And what are you doing at work anyway? You should be

on your way home. The toast and roast dinner starts in a couple of hours.

You know I want to rehearse that skit.

I know, I know. I also know that the international Daisy Damper account was

today. So?

So I've had over two dozen babies of every nationality howling in my ear all

long. Yeah, I understand.

What you don't understand is that for each and every howling baby, there was

howling mother.

Felix, I'm very sorry about your brutal day, but I'm more concerned about

tonight. Do you know what an honor it is to be chosen to do a skit at the

sportswriters' dinner?

I want to do the skit, and I will be ready.

You bet. We got a tough act to follow.

Ten of the jet football players, they're going to put on dresses. They're going

to imitate the Radio City Rockettes.

Yeah, we'll talk.

You know, I think I'm losing my mind. I'm still hearing babies crying. It's

impossible. Everybody's left.

What? Hold on for just a minute.

Well, hold on. What is that? Hold on. Like I haven't been waiting 20 years to

the skit to be chosen. Hold on, you crazy. Felix!

Felix!

Oscar,

you'll never believe this.

Felix, I want you to come home. Right now. Now, this night is too important

me. I don't want you to louse it up like you always do. And no surprises.

No surprises?

Forget it.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never

return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

I would humbly like to thank you for this award, for the best skit, and

thank my partner, Felix Unger, for humbly helping me.

There goes the humble bottle with the... I'm not a... Yeah,

Felix, what'd you do? Forget your key tonight? Of all nights, I need all kinds

of help. Oh, boy.

Hello, Mr. Madison.

Hello, Philip. I told your mother we were going out tonight. If she needs

somebody in the building to check on you, you gotta get somebody else.

that's all right. They arranged it with Mrs. Ferguson of 14C.

Do you have a flashlight?

No, I don't have a flashlight.

There's one on the shelf.

I'm great at finding things.

I really am a good detective.

Really? I don't want to hear about it. We had this theft at school.

Somebody took Wilbur Middleman's galoshes, but I exposed the guilty

turned in one of your classmates, you get the mark of the squealer.

No, I wouldn't turn in a classmate. This thief was an enemy agent here on an

espionage mission from Shanghai.

Philip, will you stop with the Shanghai and middleman's galoshes? You've got a

wild imagination. Your parents told me about them. My parents are very nice

middle -class people, but they can't face what's going on in the world today.

I don't think I can face you today. Look, take the flashlight with you, will

you? This is my partner, 007.

I bet he's great at disguises.

It's late.

I don't have time to talk to you about Shanghai and Millman's galoshes and

secret dog agents. You don't know how busy I am.

I just hope I can make it back across the hall.

I think I was followed here. I hope he catches you.

I humbly... Wait a minute.

Why do I have to be humble warm?

Maybe I could be...

Dignified class, he...

Hey,

you, Felix!

It's me, Felix!

Oscar?

We've got a little problem.

You want to hear about the problem? Felix, Nancy just called. She'll be here

minute. You better get dressed. Good. Look, I got the hats and everything.

Oh, cute.

I wrote three different kinds of speeches in case we win the award for

skit. That's humble, warm, cocky, funny, and dignified class.

How about honest?

That's a fourth possibility.

I want to have a little talk with you. Oh, Felix, we don't have time to talk.

But we do have time to rehearse the skit after you get dressed. Felix, I don't

see how we can lose...

Unless, what are you holding? You got your hands on... It's a bassinet.

Bassinet? There's no bassinet in the sketch. What's it for?

It's a baby.

Baby? There's no baby in the sketch either, Felix. I don't have time to get

teeny tiny hat for a baby. What is it? His mother left him at my studio.

Isn't that perfect?

Isn't that beautiful? The biggest night of my life. You come home with an

abandoned baby. He's not abandoned.

An abandoned Oriental baby.

Isn't he cute?

Cute won't get us last tonight, Felix.

I'm sure his mother left him by mistake.

Maybe she thought he was one of my dolls.

Felix, I knew you had a teddy bear. I didn't know you had a doll.

At my studio, I use dolls to set the lighting. Then I put in the real baby.

But they're both bundled up in blankets.

It could happen.

A mother... could make an honest mistake.

Come on, Felix. I doubt that I told you. I begged you no crazy surprises.

He's not a crazy surprise.

No, you bring home a Chinese baby to your average bachelor. I bet ten out of

times it's a crazy surprise. Unless your bachelor happens to be Chinese, which

means he's in a lot of trouble.

You woke the baby. You made him...

Well, we're evening. He's making me cry. Ruining my evening. He's not ruining

your evening. You always overreact to everything.

I'm going to do the sketch.

I'll wear the funny hat.

His mother will be here.

Take things in your stride.

Phoenix, the only thing I can take in my stride is you. Oh, look at that.

Oh, come on. Look at him. See his little teeth? He's going to bite you. Hold

him. Hold him. Hold him.

I've got to make him some hot milk.

When's his mother gonna come? I left a note on the studio door. She'll be here

any minute. You'll see.

Pat him. Pat him. Pat him where? Under here? Where do you think? I don't know.

What would that do, Pat?

Felix? Yes?

I've only got one dress shirt.

How many do you need?

Two.

Say excuse me.

Don't forget. Don't mention that baby when Nancy gets here.

Why not?

Well, she's a doctor, but she's also a woman. She'll want to take care of the

baby. We'll never get to the dinner on time.

That's perfect.

What's perfect?

If the mother's late, Nancy can babysit while you and I go on to the dinner and

do the skit. Are you crazy?

It's a big formal affair. I want my girl there.

Besides, it'd be the first place I ever took her where she could get all dressed

up. Oh, that's nice. You're a real romantic.

Also, I want her to see the skit. She's never seen me hilarious.

Has she ever seen your cocky funny?

Oh, you're dribbling on your chin.

You're dribbling.

Test the temperature of the milk, please.

Well,

you told me to test the milk. That's why you test bath water, not milk.

Where's the butter? The milk burned my elbow.

Your elbow poisoned the milk.

You don't put butter on a burn. You put cold water.

Not ice water. Cold water from the tap.

Everybody I know uses butter. Then everybody you know is wrong.

Felix, every day and everywhere I know why your wife left you.

Listen, don't you have the mother's name on the record so we can call her up?

I think her name is Mrs. Sammy Lee, but I don't know her number. I tried to call

the agency that sent her over. It was too late. They're closed.

What do you mean you think her name was Sammy Lee? I have a list of the mothers.

I have a Mrs.

Rosenberg, a Mrs. Lopez, a Mrs. This, a Mrs. That, and a Mrs. Lee. So?

I don't know her address.

Don't you know how many Sammy Lee's there must be in a phone book? You know

time it is? It would take us all night to call them. Take it easy.

There's nothing to worry about.

Oh, really? You can handle everything, everything. How are you going to feed

baby? What are you going to use for a bottle?

And a nipple?

Five nipples, assorted sizes.

I'll sterilize them.

Kid, you couldn't be in better hands if you were with Dr. Spock.

You're a nice little boy, aren't you?

Aren't you a nice little boy?

You know that I have a little boy and girl?

They were once pretty babies like you.

Their names are Leonard and Edmund.

Yes,

they live with their mother.

That's because I'm separated.

Believe me, divorce is no laughing matter.

Cleaning woman comes in, you can't find anything. I have a tight...

Edna, look, I'll show you.

Look. See?

There's Leonard. Isn't he a nice -looking boy?

He's nine years old. He does very well in school.

There's his sister, Edna. She's seven.

There's my wife, Gloria.

She's 35.

I'll get it!

Now, listen, that's Nancy. Don't you make a sound.

And don't forget, hustle over the banquet as soon as the kid's mother gets

I'll have the funny hat set up. Right. I don't want Nancy to know there's a baby

here.

Hi, honey. I'll be right with you.

Scurvy. Is something wrong?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I did that, but we're ready to go. Let's go. Listen, where's

Felix? Oh, he's okay. He's with one of his models, and he's going to join us

later. Are you nervous? Oh, yeah. How wonderful.

Come take a look at this baby. Felix!

like the baby in my studio by mistake. I brought him home. He was perfectly

fine. Now he's sick.

Oscar, the baby's sick. The baby's sick?

He's not sick.

Feel his face. He's burning up. Of course. You forgot to turn off the

blanket.

Boy, I tell you, it's great to have a doctor in the house.

False alarm.

I'm going to give you a false alarm.

You don't like sitting around in dirty clothes, drinking out of an old beer

bottle. It's a great combination.

I'm glad the baby's not sick. Why don't we go, Nancy? Listen, I have an idea.

You two go on ahead. I'll wait here for the mother.

No! Yeah, go!

Well, you don't have anything for baby. You don't have diapers or food or

anything. At least let me go out and get that. But, Nancy, look at the time.

Well, Oscar, don't worry. I'll be back in a jiffy. Cuddle in. Go on. Cuddle in.

It'll make him feel happy. Cuddle in.

Cuddle in. She's right.

Cuddle me.

Here we are. Boy, oh boy, you said everything would be all right. You would

care of everything. Well, I didn't think.

I know you didn't think.

Look at that, 7 .30, the mother's not here yet. I'm going to call the police.

What police? What?

Well, you don't think I'd buy that story about a doll?

I just said it was a possibility.

It is not a possibility. Don't you understand? The woman has abandoned the

and I'm going to call Murray the cop.

How can you humiliate a poor woman whose only crime is that she may be held up

in traffic? I don't believe that. Oscar, I'm warning you, the police will have

to rip this child out of my arms.

Felix, I'm going to help them.

Wait until Nancy gets back.

No.

Ah, girl, look. Look at the nice little fellow. Yeah, I know. He's cute. Look at

that, that face. I know. I like the kid.

Don't do that. How could you squeal to the cops on chubby cheeks like this?

How do you manage to do this to me?

I know the right thing to do is to call Murray the cop, but you make me feel

guilty. And I know that that mother will come the way I know that cold water is

good for burns.

I just said something amusing. What happened to your funny bones?

It burned her when I tested the milk.

You're going to have a lot of girls chasing you. But I want to warn you,

run across one like my ex -wife Blanche. Stay away.

She's murder.

Here we go. I'll get it.

Here.

I never thought Oscar would stoop that low.

Hello, Felix.

Mind if I come in? No.

This is an unexpected visit.

This is not a social call, Felix.

Where is it?

Very spot, Murray.

You remember at the game last night you asked me to take off my gun?

Yes, you know how I feel about guns.

Well, I've forgotten left it here.

Oh, Murray.

Oh, no.

It happened today because I didn't have it.

You've got a gun?

Two minutes before inspection this morning, I remembered I left it here. It

too late to dash over, so I bought this gun in a store by the precinct.

Wouldn't you know it, just as I'm walking out of the store, I run right

purse snatcher. Oh, no.

I had to make the arrest with a squirt gun.

I don't believe you. It's a good thing you didn't give me resistance, because I

didn't get a chance to fill it. Oh, pardon me.

At least nobody will ever accuse you of police brutality.

I don't like to be laughed at when I'm in uniform, Felix.

Bad tooth.

Oh, yeah, listen, you know all about... Hey.

Oscar drinking his beer with a nipple on it? Gives him a feeling of security.

Is he here?

Uh...

Hey, Murray.

Want a beer?

No, thanks.

You always drink your beer like that?

Always. Not always. Once in a while. It gives me a feeling of security.

But I never noticed before. Never at the games or anything.

And I notice things.

That's my job.

You know, he spills things sometimes when he drinks. Who notices what he

You got a toothache, too?

No, earache. I got an earache.

Oh, an earache. Okay, Murray. Time to hit the road. Yeah, Murray. Nice talking

to you. Come around any time.

So you and Oscar are going to do that old having Costello's house?

What is it, though? Who's on first or what's on first? What's on second?

Who's on first?

Hey,

Oscar, what are you doing out here? I want to make sure the elevator's working

for you.

Hold the congratulations figures. The baby's gone. Gone? Yeah, I put him right

there. Now he's gone. He's gone. Oh, gone. The baby can't get up and walk

I don't know. He's a very strong baby. Maybe he crawled away.

Carrying the bassinet on his back like a turtle? Are you sure you put him out

here? Yes, I know where I put him. I wasn't drunk. I had one glove full of

Somebody stole him. Who would take him? He was only there for a minute. Who

would take him?

Philip. Philip.

Philip Wexler. Philip! All right, Philip, open up. I know you're in there.

My parents aren't home, and I'm not allowed to open the door without the

chain. Unless it's Mrs. Ferguson. Philip, did you find a baby out here in

hall in the bassinet? Can you describe it? Philip!

Philip!

your baby.

It could be a special messenger from Shanghai.

He knows about the galoshes thief.

What galoshes thief?

Well, the minimal has galoshes stolen.

Oscar,

what are you two doing out here? Well, we were there with Philip. You know, he

lives next door. You wanted to see the baby. Yeah, we let him take it inside,

show it to his family.

Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, why don't you take the stuff inside?

We'll be right in, dear. All right. Very good.

Maybe we should call Mrs. Ferguson.

Maybe we should murder him. Good.

Hear this. Now, hear this. If you don't open the door, I'm going to bust the

door. You hear me?

You see? He got all excited for nothing. Maybe he only wanted to protect the

baby. He's not a mean child. I'm going to murder that kid.

Now,

I don't understand about sports writers, Dennis. They're stolen galoshes or

chihuahuas in baskets.

What am I doing holding this foreigner?

It's very simple, Mrs. Ferguson. It's a trade.

The dog is his and the baby is ours. And the monster is yours.

Come on. Thank you, Mrs. Ferguson.

Do you like my dog?

Looks like a rat.

Hello? Ah, Mrs. Sammy Lee?

Hey, you found her? Nancy, hurry up, will you? Call number 27.

Hello? Oh, Mr.

Lee.

Is there a Mrs. Lee, please?

You're divorced.

Oh, believe me, I know what you've been going through. Don't get involved with

the guy's life, will you?

Good luck, Sam. Listen, I came through it. You'll come through it, too.

Do you know that you are a very rude man?

This fellow is going through the same sort of crisis you and I... You didn't

involved in other people's problems. We wouldn't have the baby here.

Condemn me for being a concern, sir.

Okay, you're condemned.

Face the facts. Release. It's an abandoned child. It is not abandoned.

one and a half an hour.

Mom, Lee, we'll be here. I can't risk it.

So I called Murray the cop and told him... Oh, you did.

Yes, I did. Oh.

Ask.

Ask. Ask.

Ask.

and I cleaned the bassinet.

Here's some fresh diapers.

Now just let him sleep until his mother arrives.

I'm ready, Oscar.

Okay, honey, let's go.

Nancy cares about the baby.

Oh, Felix.

Oscar loves the baby.

Hmm. The old baby lover just called for the police. They'll be here any minute.

The police?

But then the mother will get in trouble.

Honey, don't you see? We could be arrested for kidnapping.

I mean, Felix took that baby without the mother's knowledge or consent. That is

kidnapping. I left a note.

Suppose it blew away. Suppose you can't prove it. It's your word against the

word of a hysterical mother.

I'll take that chance.

And I'll take it with him.

Oh. Another member of the chorus.

Go on. Do your skit. Win your award. I want no part of it.

Ditto.

Nancy and I will stay here and we'll face the police alone.

Thank you, Bonnie and Clyde.

Okay. Who needs you? I can do it.

Come on, what's the big deal?

Okay, I'm sorry, all right?

Besides, I didn't tell Murray what I wanted. I just told him that I had

something important to show him.

What are you going to tell him when he gets here?

I don't know, Felix. I didn't plan on... You better think of something fast.

Okay, hide the baby. I'll take care of Marie.

Thank you, Oscar.

You're getting one more chance, Oscar.

Oh, hi, Murray. Hi, Oscar.

Oh, come on in. Yeah, come on.

Hey, you know Nancy.

Oh, yeah. Hi, Nancy. Well,

Oscar, what was so important?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Well, I thought maybe you, uh, had taken the wrong gun again.

No, no, this is mine.

I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Just double -checking, Murray.

Well, you know, that's not my gun, Oscar.

You're just making fun of me.

Oh, no, Murray. Oscar wasn't making fun, really.

And doctors don't lie. They take the Hippocratic oath.

Hey, Oscar, what's this?

It's a rattle.

A Felix's rattle.

You are making fun of me. No, I'm not, Murray. That's Felix's rattle. He had it

when he was a kid. You know what a sentimental nut he is. Come on, honey,

going. Did he save his diapers, too? No, we're not going.

This is weird.

Are you sure there's not a baby here?

I guess you better tell him, Oscar.

Okay, Marie, there is a baby here.

You can come out now, Felix. He knows.

The reason Felix didn't tell you is that the child may be an abandoned child.

He thought you were going to turn cop and maybe take the kid into custody.

Judith.

Judith.

Double Judith.

I didn't tell him, Felix. He figured it out for himself.

He saw the rattle and the diaper and he heard the baby crying. Any idiot could

have figured it out, right, Marie? I'm sorry, Marie.

Oscar tried to cover.

Where'd the baby come from, Felix?

Oh, Murray, you know where babies come from.

Still making fun of me, huh, Unger?

Stop being a cop for just a minute. Come on, honey, we're going. Hold it. We're

not going.

You're not going anyplace, Oscar. You're just going to sit down and wait.

You're all material witnesses.

We are.

You realize that's a missing person?

I got to make out a full report and take you all in.

Hold it, Oscar. I didn't give you permission.

I'm telling, Murray.

To leave.

That'll be the mother.

It better be.

Mr. Runga live here? Yes, Mr. Runga. You, Mrs. Lear.

My baby!

Here, sit down, sit down, sit down. Oh, we were worried about you.

Oh, I'm so happy my baby's safe. I was so worried.

We knew you didn't abandon her. What happened?

You see, I have to leave for a few minutes. And while Mr. Runga takes

baby... I remember when you left. I have trouble. My car make noise and died.

Car died?

I get to the drug store anyway.

I went in and I came out.

Can you talk a little more slowly?

Can you talk a little more slowly?

I understand Chinese a little.

Either somebody stole her purse or her nose.

Stole her nose.

Now, look, this is a lovely story, but we have five minutes to make it to the

banquet, please.

We had Murray Texas in the spot call. We could make it. Let's go. Come on. We

forgot the bassinet. I'll buy her one, please.

Please don't be so depressed just because you lost.

I'm depressed because you didn't get to see it.

Oscar, I'm sorry I didn't get to see it. It's not her fault. I'm a doctor. She's

a doctor. I had an emergency call. She has emergency calls. I had to know. You

blame somebody else for your own things all the time. Why don't you blame

yourself? It's your fault we didn't win.

You're kidding.

If you were interested in good comedy instead of good grammar, whom's on

I didn't say it. Don't think like whom's on first.

I admit I said you might throw the ball to whom, but that's a mistake. But you

are timing so...

slow, so muddy. Comedy has to be sharp. That's the essence of comedy.

Fast, sharp, and funny.

Don't fight.

Do it.

Alright.

Nancy, be the judge. Sit down, Nancy. You be the judge.

You too. Now, strange as it may seem, the players on the St. Louis team have

some very strange names. You have to listen carefully to get the names of the

players. Who's on first? What's on second? I don't know. Who's on third

That's what I want. I want you to tell me the names of the players on St. Louis

team. That's what I'm telling you. The names of the players on St. Louis team.

Who's on first? What's on second? I don't know. Who's on third base? You

the fellow's name?

Yes. Well, then who's playing first? Right.

No, I mean the fellow who's playing first base. Who?

I'm asking you. Who's on first? That's his name. That's whose name?

Right. Well, go ahead and tell me.