Original subtitles

Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.

I hate to break it to you this way, but the tango went out a long time ago. I'm

bringing it back tonight.

Pick up your coat, hang it up. We're going right out.

Okay.

Okay? Yeah.

Peter, it's so good to see you happy for a change. I'm looking forward to this

blind date tonight. I really am. Good. Good. Now, Nancy says you and this girl

should get along great, unless you take out your wallet.

Start showing pictures of your ex -wife and kids and depress everyone. No, no,

no. Tonight you're going to see a new Felix Unger. I'm going to be a million

laughs. I'll be a laugh a minute. I'll settle for a chuckle an hour.

Listen, as a precautionary measure, why don't you leave your wallet at home? But

I have to pay for dinner. No, I'm so happy that you're happy and not moping

around dinners on me. No, no.

Okay. All right, I'll shower and shave. I'll be with you in 10 minutes.

Let's go get him, Tiger.

We don't want to keep waiting.

I'm not going.

What'd you say?

I said I'm not going.

Oh, that's what I thought you said. I called my date and told her I can't make

it. I knew I shouldn't have spent so much time in the shower.

Felix, ten minutes ago you told me you were going to be a ball of fire. What

happened to Mr. Laugh a minute and the dancing fool?

All left.

Where'd they go?

On the radio, one of the songs they happened to be playing.

It was just one more chance.

So? It was our song.

Gloria's and mine.

And I remembered that our anniversary is the day after tomorrow.

Oh. Okay, Felix, this is it.

I've had it.

Now, no matter what you say or what you do, when I get back from my date, I'm

going to fix it so you go back with your ex -wife.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself

from his place of residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

but he also knew that someday he would return to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar

Madison.

Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, requesting that he never

return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other

crazy?

Everybody, here we go. Here we go. What? What?

Only your friend turned up. Oh, what's going on? You're scaring me to death.

Why? It's nothing compared to what you did to me. Come on, I want to talk to

you. Yeah, where are my slippers? You don't need your slippers. You washed the

rugs this morning, remember?

What's the matter? What's the matter? First, you broke the date with Nancy's

friend, didn't you? I called her. Sure you called her. 20 minutes before you

were supposed to pick her up, you called. Nancy felt so guilty, I got

two dates. Oh, that's awkward, isn't it? Yes, it's awkward, since they both

wanted to go dancing. Come on, I want to talk to you.

He legs.

Haven't you ever done anything silly romantic like send her a ring from a box

popcorn, say, huh? Why would I do a messy, sticky thing like that?

What's the matter? You don't believe in saucers? I believe in saucers. I forgot.

I gave her a beautiful present on our first anniversary.

Yeah, what?

It was a beautiful wristwatch with a bracelet. On the bracelet was a little

holding a jar of honey.

I thought that was romantic.

Why, was it symbolic?

Yeah.

She used to call me her honey bear.

That was before she started calling me Mr. Clean.

Want sugar?

Sugar? I knew you wanted cocoa, Felix. I got important things to talk to you

about. Now tell me something.

About the watch. Did she like it? Did she like it? She never even wore it.

She hated the engraving I had put on the back.

It simply said, to Gloria, good sport.

You know what surprises me, Felix? What? That she didn't kick you out sooner.

To be a good sport is very important.

Yeah, I'd be dating a female shot putter.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Look, I got an idea. I got an idea.

Look, you get the watch back from Gloria without her knowing about it. Then you

invite Gloria over to one of your sumptuous dinners.

Candlelight, champagne, all the good food. Then you give her the watch.

You don't think she'd catch on? To what?

That I'm giving her a watch I already gave her?

She's not a dummy, you know. She may have memory lapses. Will you listen to

Felix? When you get the watch back, you put a romantic engraving on it.

To a good sport is nice. Nice, nice doesn't get you back with glory and

mean a really romantic engraving like, love me truly, you're my everything.

Or just one more chance.

Song, that's perfect.

That is a superb idea.

I'll never get the watch back.

Break in.

I could never do a thing like that.

Do you still have a key?

No, no, she changed the lock. I used to go in and rearrange the furniture.

Consuela! Who's Consuela?

Consuela, the maid. She's crazy about me. I used to clean up after her. She'll

get me the watch.

Hey, you're all set. I'll have a friend of mine engrave it to avoid any delay.

You're set up. All you have to do is call Gloria and invite her.

This hour of night?

It's better. It's so late. Later and more romantic. Bigger surprise. No, no,

7247069. No, I don't like this.

I'm getting a sign.

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

You'll talk. No, I won't. Take your phone.

Hello,

Gloria. It's Oscar.

Yeah, I know it sounded like an obscene phone call, but... Don't mention my

sinus. Yeah, it was Felix.

He had a sinus attack.

Yes. Oh, he's fine now. Yes. Not fine. I'm nervous.

He told me... Well, he told me your anniversary was coming up and he'd like

invite you over for dinner. Next month.

Friday. Yeah.

You could? Hey, that's marvelous.

I don't have a menu planned. He's got a great menu planned around everything you

like. He remembered all your goodies. Hey, that's marvelous. He'd like to have

you come about... What time?

Seven. Seven o 'clock. Okay. No, race that. Race that.

Seven. Eight. Eight o 'clock. Okay.

Erase that one, too. Erase it. That's seven. Seven. Seven and a half. Seven

a half. Seven thirty.

Seven thirty. Seven thirty.

Oh, that's marvelous.

That's great talking to you, Gloria. Good.

Okay. You did it!

And she didn't even ask time to think it over. She still likes you. Maybe she

was half asleep.

No. She's not coherent when she's sleepy. She once invited a wrong number

dinner. I'm telling you, she heard me. She still likes you. You're on your way.

All you need is a good night's sleep. I'll never be able to sleep. I've got a

million things on my mind. I've got to plan my menu. I've got to get the

washing. You do all that. I'm going to go to bed.

Good night. Oscar. Yeah.

Thanks.

Donate.

Oh, this watch de la señora Unger.

Oscar!

Oscar! What are you doing? I got it! I got it! Look!

Look!

Isn't that a beauty?

You see the little bear and the jar of honey?

See? Looks like a little puppy with a bone.

Oh, come on. Isn't that beautiful?

Oh, yes. Look at that.

Oh, Consuelo was so glad to see me. She even let me take a spot out of the

carpet. That's great.

Oh, come on. Don't go back to sleep. You promised to have it engraved.

Yes, I want to sleep an extra hour this morning. I'll drop it off on my way to

work. Let me sleep. You promise?

Oscar?

Would it be too much to have it cleaned as well?

Oh, no, it's not too much. Go back to sleep. Where will I leave it?

Oscar, put it right here by your phone.

Go back to sleep.

You've got another hour.

You didn't remember to leave the watch for the jeweler this morning, didn't

Of course I did.

It's only been three hours. You think you'll have it ready?

When Louie says he'll deliver, he delivers.

Louie!

Louie!

Must be in the back.

This doesn't look like much of a jewelry store.

What did you expect, breakfast at Timmy's?

I wouldn't even chew gum in a place like this.

Well,

this is a disgrace, leaving a place like this unattended. Any bum on the street

could come in and clean everything up. What?

He's been robbed.

Oh, Mike.

Did they take my watch?

Doesn't he speak English?

At least he's got a gag around his mouth.

Did they take my watch? They took everybody's watch.

Oh, Mike. Oh, Mike. The little one with the bear?

I didn't have anything like that.

Oscar, he says he didn't have anything like that.

Yes, you did, Louie, the one I gave you.

Oh, I thought that was a rabbit.

I wondered why he had that jar of honey.

It was so small. Maybe they missed it.

Look, pal, they cleaned me out, everything. All the rings, all the

the bracelets, everything.

What did they look like? Who knows? They had nylon stockings over the face. Ha!

What size?

What difference does that make?

Clues! Felix, will you leave the clues to the police, please?

I'm calling them.

After 13 robberies, you'd think I'd have a hotline.

13 rob... That's terrible.

Why don't you move to a better neighborhood? Because the nearest better

neighborhood is in Ohio.

Leave the record alone.

It's making you miserable.

I enjoy being miserable.

Felix, I'm sorry about the watch, but you can still have a fun evening with

Gloria. Oh, sure. Now I don't have to worry about giving her the watch for the

appetizer or the entree. Forget the watch.

Concentrate on fun.

How can I have fun when you're dripping crumbs on my shoulder? Sit down and eat

like a normal human being. Look at this. All over the couch.

I steal a watch and then it's stolen from me.

How romantic I turned out to be.

You try. Did Cyrano write love letters and then lose them? Did Romeo go to the

wrong balcony?

They'd ask Madison for a friend. They probably would have.

It's not your fault.

Thanks for that, Felix.

Of course, you could have told me that your friend Louis' pawn shop had been

robbed 13 times.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Maybe we should call Murray the cop.

What for?

Poker? I'm going to call Gloria. That's what I'm going to do. Don't do that,

Felix. Don't do that. Look, I want to help you. Let me really... You want to

help me?

Don't help me.

We had a chance to get even. We didn't want to get the watch back. How? It was

stolen by common thieves.

Well, I'm going to do something I never thought I would do before. What?

Get involved with common thieves.

Why are we going to a flower shop?

Because the florist is my main contact. He's one of the boys. What boys?

The boys your mother wouldn't let you play with.

Grown up.

Only you would know a thug florist. When you watch what you say, this guy's very

dangerous. I'll be right with you, boys, as soon as I put these things away.

Okay, Wally.

How can a nice florist like that be dangerous? Are you kidding?

They say his father made the floral arrangements for the St.

Valentine's Day Massacre. Hiya, Wally. How are you?

I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Felix Unger. Hello.

Oscar, nice to see you. Did your father really make the floral arrangements?

Felix! Wally, listen.

I want to ask you a special kind of thing.

Sure. How about a lovely, lovely house?

My friend's allergic to flowers. Only certain flowers.

Does he like artificial flowers?

He thinks they're gauche.

Oh, all right, I'll take an antihistamine.

Raleigh, I need a favor from your other line of work.

Louis' pawn shop was robbed this afternoon.

Again? Yeah. I need some water.

See, and my friend had something taken out of it, and he has to get it back.

got nothing?

Yes.

Well, I don't know, Oscar. You'll find most of your serious thieves are

to give things back. You see, they go to all the trouble of stealing. Oh, come

on, Wally. Give me a break, will you? I give you good tips at the races, don't

I? Well, yes.

And you always say such nice things about my flowers on the winning horses.

Are you kidding?

Horses win races just so they can wear your wreaths of flowers. You're lying,

but I love it.

Yes, yes, I have some contacts. Oh, good, good. Listen, give me a couple,

you? Oscar, when one writes things down, other ones can read them.

One is sorry.

I lost my head. You almost did.

Yes, I think Bill Green might know who pulled this heist. That's his

neighborhood. He likes it because it's near the dog pound.

The dog pound?

Yes, he's crazy for dogs.

Dogs and money. But we have to have the watch in two or three hours.

Everybody's in a rush except flowers. I'll do my best.

Thank you.

Thanks for the water. It's a very cute cup.

Ah, thank you, yes. I had that made. Really? Where?

I have a cup maker on 3rd Avenue.

Oh, will you stop?

It starts while you're not hungry. You've got a deadline.

Are you in the right apartment?

I must be in the wrong apartment.

You're Unger, right?

You know me?

I already met Madison.

You did?

Oscar, are you all right?

Oh, I see you two have met. Bill Green is the Felix Unger.

You remember?

Wally said he was going to send over a nice guy for us to meet.

Oh, how good of you to come on such short notice.

Cigar?

I think it's gone out, that's all.

No, it hasn't.

I guess I'm wrong.

Let's get down to business, okay?

Okay, I know who took your watch. You do?

He does.

Oh, that's great.

Give me his number and I'll call him.

Your friend hasn't been around too long, has he?

I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Why not?

I'm a businessman, Uncle!

Listen, people lose things, I find them, they pay me for it. That's capitalism.

I dig.

I bet you want a reward, don't you? Well, I'm going to give it to you in

advance.

Small bill, please.

Five -five small enough?

Yeah.

Where's the zeros?

Zeros?

Zeros! $25 paid for a couple of minutes of my time. You want to watch it? It'll

cost you $2 ,500.

The whole watch didn't cost $2 ,500.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Look, he doesn't have much money. Give him a

break. Give him a break?

Oh, that's great. Give him a break.

I wish somebody'd give me a break sometime.

What do you think, guys, that my profession ain't hit by inflation?

You know how much money it costs to store stolen goods?

Money is tight.

We understand that, but this may be his last chance to get back with Gloria.

Who's Gloria?

The sweetest, most wonderful woman who's ever lived.

His ex -wife. She gave him the watch on their first anniversary.

Twelve years we were happy together.

Twelve years.

And in one day, the whole thing... Oh.

I'm sorry, Unger, but... You know what that does to a man?

To lose his wife and the home they've built together?

Tell him about your dog, Felix.

I wish you could have seen my family.

I'll show you a picture. Now show him a picture of your dog, Felix. I made a

dog.

Bye -bye.

It's nice.

I got a snapshot of his dog.

I love dogs.

Here's a picture of my wife and kids in front of the Christmas tree.

Isn't that a lovely family?

And a beautiful dog.

Two kids. What are their names?

Leonard and Edna. And Spot.

That's my wife, Gloria.

And our new wall -to -wall carpeting.

There's the dog.

Felix never lets the dog on the carpet.

You know something?

I just went through a divorce.

I sure miss my family.

You have a family?

What? Crooks can't have a family?

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

If we miss our alimony payment, do we not hear from our ex -wives?

Oh, he was married. Oh, boy, was he married.

He sure was.

I'd like to get back with my ex. Why don't you get back with her?

She's in prison.

All right, Unger. I, uh...

I don't know how much good it's going to do with your ex, but I'll do my best

with the watch. Well, like I said, he doesn't have much money. What's the

with you? Money ain't everything, even to a capitalist.

I'll keep the 5 -5 for expenses.

Very decent of you.

Just don't spread it around.

When do you think I can get the watch I needed tonight?

I'll try for tonight.

It's a little problem the guy that stole it give it to his girlfriend.

Papa, when she hears my story, don't you think she'll want me to have it back?

Yeah, I think so. But she really likes that mouse with the cheese, you know.

That's a bear with a jar of honey.

Yeah, that's what I said. Whatever it is, I don't know. I only know dogs.

Listen.

Five o 'clock.

Yeah. You'll be in the elevator.

The watch will be there.

Why do you leave it in the elevator? Why don't you bring it up? What am I, a

delivery boy?

I got other things to do to make money to make up for my sentimental gestures.

Five fives, what is that?

Oh, another thing.

Listen, you know, you shouldn't keep the dog off the carpet.

It's discrimination.

They sense that.

Nine. Come on, Felix, will you? Hurry up. Come on, come on, come on, come on,

come on. Where is he? Where? He's not here. Will you take off the suit? Will

push a button? I won't push anything.

He said, be here, don't do anything. Why do you suppose he's being so secretive?

The guy who stole it's probably Hans. He's got to lay low for a while. Just be

thankful you're getting the watch back. Be cool, Felix, be cool.

Where do you think we're going?

Well, the contact's probably waiting on another floor. See, when the elevator

stops, the doors will open. Contact will come in and give us the light.

Oh, boy.

Here, will you relax?

Well, I've never done anything like this before.

Well, I don't usually hold business meetings in elevators myself.

This elevator's tacky and drab.

We're not getting anywhere.

I've got $9 .34 worth of meat out there that's going to be ruined.

Now, this may be it, but we've got to be cool. Now, really cool this time, okay?

Do you guys live in the building?

Yes, we do.

Good. I have something for you. Oh, I told you we'd get it. Didn't I tell you?

Thank you. Thank you.

That's a toothbrush.

He's a salesman. I've heard of these brushes. These are excellent. Thank you.

Hurry up. What are you feeling? Somebody might push the buzzer. I'm sorry. I'm

terribly sorry, but I had to bathe.

It's about basting when we don't have the watch yet. We've just been going

around in circles.

Oh, yeah? We've been going up and down. That's clever.

I counted 15 people who've come into this elevator.

Next person's going to be Gloria.

Oh, boy.

Come on, let's give up. No, I'm not going to give up until we get the watch

back. I feel responsible. I'm making the next round sitting down.

What's that?

It's the watch.

It's been here all the time.

Oh, I'm going to give your Mr.

Green a piece of my mind. This is a disgrace, leaving an expensive piece of

jewelry right out here in the open where any bum could steal it.

Don't press your luck. The price was right.

Come on, get back to your basting. Gloria's running.

Felix, you know why you're sneezing? Why? Because you're tense and you're

anxious about your dinner with Gloria.

You see, everything's going to turn out great.

Oh, I hope so. I hope so. Don't forget to use your nasal spray. I haven't been

along with Gloria in two years. I don't know what to say to her.

What's wrong with I've missed you?

You're a good writer.

Okay. Where are you going? I don't know. I figured I'd catch a gangster movie.

Good luck.

Felix, what happened?

You know, I was just sitting here thinking, all you've done on my behalf.

You're a real friend.

What are you talking about?

Didn't Gloria show up? Oh, yes, she was right on time. She looked so beautiful.

She had her hair in a French twist. She had a lovely green silk dress.

Felix, give me the details later. Now, what happened? No food was eaten. What

happened? Oh, first we had a glass of champagne, then we sat down. It was

beautiful. Oh, you should have seen my soup lady before it fell.

Perfect. Oh, I'm sure it was a sight to behold. Will you get to the point?

Well, I thought I was being very romantic.

I served the watch along with the roast.

She ate the watch?

She read the inscription and she ran out of the apartment sobbing.

She was that touched.

Your friend Louie never had the watch engraved. The guy who stole it had it

engraved for his girlfriend.

Read.

You're built like a... Isn't that romantic?

That's right, Murray. I want you to get every available man in the police force

on it.

Well, how many can you get?

Well, then you try hard by yourself, Murray.

Thank you.

What's the matter?

So aggravated.

Why? Today you told me Gloria forgave you. There's a chance you might get

together again. That's not why I'm aggravated.

Those underworld friends of yours, they're not to be trusted.

Of course not. They're crooks.

Bill Green with his heart of gold.

Nonsense. People want to believe gangsters are sentimental. Let me tell

they're not.

But he got you your watch back. Did he?

I spent the whole day having him grave just one more chance yesterday. And I

gave it to Gloria. And she loved it. And she loved it. Then last night burglars

broke into her house and stole it back again.

How do you know Bill Green did it?

He left a note.

I fed your dog.