Original subtitles

Who was that?

Who's what?

The furry object you just put back there.

Nobody. You put a polar bear in the guest room and you say that's nobody?

Well, Felix, I was going to spring it on you gently, but you've got to promise

to keep it quiet.

The kid in there is Ernie Wilson.

I'll keep it quiet. Good.

Who's Ernie Wilson?

Who's Ernie Wilson? He just happens to be the greatest quarterback in college

football today. That's all.

Why does he dress so funny?

He's not dressed funny. He's an Alaskan. He's the greatest Eskimo athlete of all

time. So what's the big secret?

Felix, he just graduated from college, which means he's ready for pro football,

which means that every pro team in the country wants him, which means he's

roughly about a million dollars. And why can't he afford a hotel room? Felix,

every team in the country is pressuring him to sign.

He came to me for advice because he's confused.

If he came to you for advice, he must be very confused.

Very clever. It just so happens I'm the one who discovered him at Alaska A &M.

I used to write about him in my column.

His college statistics are staggering. He could run the 100 -yard dash in 9

In snowshoes.

So, Ernie's staying with us a couple of days.

Well, I have to make sure he gets the right deal before he signs with a team,

don't I?

What's your cut? Felix.

Oh, I'm sure your motives are beyond reproach. You're a friend, an older man

wants to help him get the happiness that's truly his.

That's it exactly.

What's your cut?

10%. Oh, Felix. I wanted to do it for nothing, but Ernie insisted.

You want your merit badge now or at the jamboree?

You don't seem to understand. This is a big chance for the kid. Now, if he

listens to the right person, he can make a lot of money. But if he listens to

the wrong advice, he could be used, he could be twisted, he could even end up

the hands of gangsters. Do I look dumb? I don't believe that.

Well, you better believe it. They've already tried to contact him.

Felix, just because they wear plaid suits and they have houses in the

doesn't mean they've changed their work habits. Didn't you meet the Godfather?

No, of course not.

Put it down when it reached the violent part.

Well, their national pastime is still trying to fix war games.

You see?

Now you're mixed up with hoodlums.

You're going to get hurt.

Are you listening to me?

Felix, don't be silly. There's nothing really to worry about.

Just make sure that all the doors and windows are locked.

I figured it's time you two met.

Ernie, Felix Hunger.

Felix Ernie Wilson. Nice to meet you, Ernie. Heard a lot about you. Call me

Felix. Strong grip, haven't you?

Guess that comes from years of making snowballs.

You don't care for jokes about coming from Alaska.

I get lots of them.

Like being called Frosty the Snowman.

Or saying that I shouldn't sign with the Southern team because the hot weather

might make me melt, you know?

Those were some of the best gags in my car.

Look, I got to get down to work at the ballroom and make you a rich man, huh?

Yeah. You keep deriving them all the time. Keep all the doors and windows

locked, okay?

You two get to know each other.

Come on, let's do it.

What's that?

Oh, that means goodbye in Eskimo.

Oh. Old Oscar there, he's really learned it.

Well, make yourself at home.

Want to have a snowball fight?

Did it again. I'm sorry.

You hungry?

No. I can open a can of sardines. I hate fish.

I hated it ever since I was a little kid.

You see, in Alaska, that's all that's going to little babies eat. You know,

strained cod, strained salmon, strained herring. Blubber?

No, not too much blubber.

It's horrible.

You want some shish kebab? Got shish kebab ready.

Okay. Pour yourself a glass of milk. I guess you don't get much milk up there,

do you?

No, sir. Not a very good climate for cows.

Since the milk would come out of ice cream, huh? Yeah, I'm sorry.

I won't do it again.

Boy, that was great.

How could you tell?

You know, football gives you a big appetite.

And in Alaska, you have to eat all your food quick.

Before it freezes.

That's right.

I'll do it again.

Well, I think I'll go for a walk. No, no, no. You don't want to do this. You

don't want to do it.

It's dangerous out there. Muggers.

Oh, sir, I'm not afraid of muggers.

Heck, when I'm playing ball, you know, sometimes I'm in there against guys 300

pounds clutching at my throat. They carry switchblades.

I'll get it. You stay here.

Eat another shish kebab.

I never heard of him. I heard he's here. How could anybody be here? I never

heard of him. You Ernie Wilson?

Yes, sir.

Might be a different Ernie Wilson.

You Ernie the Eskimo?

Yes, sir.

I was told I'd find you here.

I'm Ephraim Goodchild from the Eastern Conservatory of Music. Eastern

Conservatory of Music?

What do you want with Ernie?

What we'd like to have him is one of our students.

The Eastern Conservatory has a football team?

Oh, no. We do have a very husky bassoon player, but he's hardly a team.

Listen, Ernie, we know you're a very gifted athlete. We also know you have

musical talent and are prepared to offer you a full musical scholarship.

A scholarship?

Are you a prodigy?

No, I'm not a prodigy.

Oh, he's being modest.

Actually, I understand he's a very gifted cellist.

No kidding. You never told us you were a gifted cellist. Well, it's not the sort

of thing that comes up in normal conversation.

Listen, Ernie.

I know it's a difficult decision, but we hope you'll see your way clear to

consider us.

Well, I don't know. I mean... I understand.

Take a little time. Think it over.

Well, as Schumann, the clown of classical music, always said before he

room, I'll be Bach.

Schumann, the clown of classical music?

I never dreamed you were a musician.

Well, I know. I don't look like a cello player. Not just a cello player. The

Eastern Conservatory of Music doesn't offer scholarships to just cello

only to very gifted musicians.

Well... You are going to consider it, aren't you? Well, I'll think about it.

Look, I don't want to put down football, but to be a symphonic musician, that's

a different world.

Yeah, it's always been one of my dreams, you know.

Then do it.

Well, suppose I'm not very good at it.

You're good enough for Ephraim Goodchild. If you're good enough for

you ought to be good enough for... Oh, come on. Think about it, won't you?

Yeah, I will.

Oh, great.

You want something to eat?

Yeah, let's go see what you got in the refrigerator.

No, I don't want you to look at my icebox. It might make you homesick.

I'm sorry.

Felix!

Oh, there you are.

Felix, you wouldn't believe it. I've been on the phone all day.

I got three firm offers for Ernie.

All of them unbelievable.

The best one came from Slim Daniels, so I told him we'd take it. Slim Daniels?

The old cowboy star?

Yeah. What's he got to do with football?

Are you kidding? Besides owning hotels, chicken franchises, mod boutiques, he

owns the Fort Worth Longhorns. That's a football team. Big deal.

Boy, it's cold in here.

I turned up the air conditioning. I thought it would make Ernie feel at

Where is he? He's in his room, resting. Good. Listen, I'm going to finalize the

deal tonight. Go over the details with Ernie tomorrow morning. He's going to be

one very rich fellow.

Okay,

Felix, what's wrong?

Why should anything be wrong?

You're changing shelf paper.

When I get upset, I kick things. When you get upset, you change shelf paper.

Maybe the paper needs changing.

Come on, Phoenix. You just changed it.

And you remember when your ex -wife left you? You changed the kitchen shelf

paper so often even the ants got confused.

All right, I'm upset.

You want to know why I'm upset?

Your ex -wife stopped by today. Boy, it's cold in here.

What's the matter, Phoenix?

It's you.

You've slammed the door in the face of decency.

Slam the door in the face of decency.

Felix!

Now, what is that supposed to mean? Only that you're totally insensitive.

Will you tell me what's bugging you?

That young man back there has placed his future completely in your hands. But

you don't care.

All you care about is what's in it for Oscar Madison.

That's not true, Felix. Now, I'm doing it for sports. I'm doing it for

Ernie could be a sensational athlete.

The world doesn't stop at kickoff time.

Where are you going?

To rent a cello. Where are you going to rent a cello? Because that's what he

plays.

Ernie plays a cello? That's right. Does he play it well?

He's been offered a full scholarship by the Eastern Conservatory of Music.

Wow. And that's why you're mad at me? The Eastern Conservatory of Music only

offers scholarships to gifted musicians.

Yeah, but Phyllis, what are you trying to tell me?

That Ernie Wilson would rather be a concert cellist than a professional

player. How do you know that?

I can feel it.

Yeah? How much is the pay?

If Ernie Wilson makes it in a symphony orchestra, it will open the door for

other young Eskimos.

Other young Eskimos will receive a message of human dignity that they'd

have considered otherwise, and they'll owe it all to Ernie Wilson.

And maybe to Oscar Madison.

Oh, I don't know.

The big leagues.

It's spaces loaded throughout.

Ten -yard line. Oscar Madison's on the foul line awaiting a free shoot.

Felix, every time you talk sports, my ulcer acts up.

You're really serious about this, huh?

All right, go on. Read a cello. And while you're there, pick up a

vest for me, will you?

I hope you're kidding.

I'm going to make a lot of enemies when certain people find out that Ernie's not

for sale.

You're making me very proud of you.

Underneath that wrinkled shirt, you're fallible.

I thought your sinuses were bothering you again.

Isn't this a beauty?

Is it good enough?

The music store said it's the same model Casals plays.

Yeah, but is it good enough for Ernie?

Casals is the Joe Namath of strings.

Well, I'll leave that stuff to you. Right now, I have to unmake a deal.

Hey, Felix, you know, I'm glad that Ernie chose music instead of football,

can't wait to tell Slim Daniels that Ernie's not for sale. That guy thinks

whole world is for sale.

Now, giving up all that money that I had to Bobby, I admire you more than I can

tell you.

Oh, it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I feel good about it.

Felix, this is the first decent thing I've done since I gave Blanche her

divorce.

I'm off to get Ernie out of the football business. If you don't hear from me,

please notify my next of kin, will you?

How does it feel to be a budding concert artist?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know. I mean, it's all happened so fast.

The transition from the locker room to Carnegie Hall is... Yeah, just a little.

Listen, I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you and Oscar are

doing for me. We're not doing anything for you. You're doing it all.

Go ahead, practice.

All right.

You want something to eat? You want me to fix you a tuna casserole?

No, thank you. I prefer not to have any fish.

That's right. You don't like fish. Go ahead, practice.

How about a sandwich?

No, thank you. You want some eggs?

Bacon and eggs.

I'll just have a glass of milk, please.

You got it.

Surrendered cello?

I guess you're used to a better one, huh?

Oh, no, sir. This is the best cello I ever had.

How's the rosin? It's fine.

And the bow?

Perfect.

I suppose when you lay off for a while, it takes some time to warm up, huh?

Well, some cellists have that problem, but not me. You see, the first lesson an

Alaskan musician learns is he's got to warm up fast.

You're all warmed up?

All groovin' and swingy.

Carry on.

May I speak to Mr. Ephraim Goodchild, please?

Mr.

Goodchild?

This is Felix Unger.

Could I trouble you to come over right away?

Thank you. And would you please use the kitchen entrance?

That's what I said, Mr.

Daniels. Ernie's not going to play pro ball.

Oh, take it easy, will you? Now, he wants to pursue a music career.

He's a gifted cellist.

It's a big fiddle you hold up.

Oh.

He thinks it's a hard -calling contest.

You can yodel all you want. He's not available.

I don't care if you hired a polar bear for Ernie to wrestle at halftime. He's

not available.

Besides, that's not what he wants to do. He wants to play in a symphony in a

place like the Hollywood Bowl.

You'll buy the Hollywood Bowl?

Anyway, he's not available. No.

Same to you, old buddy. You go sit on a red -hot brandon iron.

Well?

I hardly know what to say.

What is that noise?

My sinuses, they start acting up when I hear this stuff.

Well, you're the musical expert.

Isn't that terrible cello playing?

He may be wearing his mittens.

Well, it sure is chilly in here. He's not wearing his mittens.

Then as a musical expert, I would say that is terrible cello playing.

Oh, I don't understand. How can you offer him a scholarship when you've

playing like that?

The fact is, Mr. Ongo, we never actually heard the lad play.

You never heard him play?

No. But it really doesn't make much difference.

You see, Ernie Wilson may not play well, but he's the only Eskimo cellist we've

found who plays at all.

You mean you offered him a scholarship because he's an Eskimo?

I think that's terrible.

A man should have a chance because of his abilities, not because of his ethnic

background. Well, I know, but it's a beginning.

Out of these minority students, a classical musician may come out of it.

That's the breakthrough we're looking for. What about the Eskimos who don't

it? What about the Eskimos who think they have talent because you let them

What are you going to do, get them jobs playing the organ in an ice skating

rink? Please, Mr. Under, it's not our fault.

We're merely victims of the system. Well, I think it's a rotten system, and

you're not going to get Ernie Wilson. He's one victim your rotten system can't

have. Now, I'll thank you to please leave my house.

You may have something to eat if you wish before you leave, but you're going

have to leave.

Terrible cello players.

The winner and still champion of the...

Oscar Madison. Oh, I did it. Felix, I wish you had been there to hear me. I

the biggest guys in sports that Ernie Wilson was not for sale.

Hey, I even told Slim Daniels to go sit on a red -hot branding iron. Now, not

many people can say that to Slim Daniels.

That's nice.

Well, where's Ernie? I want to tell him the good news.

Send him out for a walk.

Good. A walk gets those musical juices going, right?

You're honking, Felix. That's like changing shelf paper. Why are you

What's wrong?

Why are you packing the cello?

I'm taking it back.

But you just read it. Why are you taking it back?

I'm not going to stand by and see that kid's heart broken.

Hey, Felix, they didn't take away Ernie's scholarship, did they? Those

hypocrites wouldn't have the decency to do that. Will you get to the point?

Ernie can't play the cello.

When you say he can't play the cello, you don't mean he can't play the cello.

You mean like his plucking fingers. No, the wrist is sprained from the beat. He

can't play at all.

He's tone deaf.

And the school still wants him.

Guess why?

They need a lousy cello player. Guess again.

They need an Eskimo cello player.

They want him to be their token Eskimo.

Right. You know what that means?

That means I could have had such a sweet deal for him as a pro football player

if you hadn't stuck your allergy -ridden nose into things. Just because I was

wrong, does that give you the right to insult me?

What are you going to tell the kid?

What am I going to tell him?

You better think of something fast.

Mr. Madison? No.

Sidekick, huh? No, I'm his roommate.

Oh. I'm Madison.

I assume from the sequence you're Slim Daniels. Slim Daniels!

You look different.

What do you mean?

In those old pictures, you look younger.

Oh, you don't think I get the girl anymore, huh?

Don't you let these great temples fool you.

Now, Madison, you really got yourself a nice spread here.

I think maybe I'll buy it. Boys, make a note of that. Who are those guys?

My attorney, my accountant.

Please don't sit like that. It's the only way I'm comfortable.

So you're the one who told me to go sit on a red -hot brandy now.

Finger speech.

But nobody ever talks to Slim Daniel that way. But I'm going to forgive you,

because you're shrewd.

Also, you want Ernie Wilson on your team.

That's right.

Say, Ernie don't really play the fiddle, does he?

Cello. Well, what does a kid want? Another hundred thousand? A snowmobile?

His own talk show? What? Whatever it is, I'll give it to him. I'll even give him

a recording contract. I think I own a record company.

Either that or a radio station.

Well, my accountant will know if he don't determine it well.

Don't make any difference. I'll buy the one I don't own.

That's your attorney and that's your accountant.

Who's that guy?

You don't recognize him, huh?

Come on down here, little buddy. Stand alongside of him.

Now, take good look at him. Go on, little buddy. Tell him who you are.

Where's your posse?

It's Grubby, your old sidekick from the movies.

That's right.

We take care of our own.

Now, what about Ernie Wilson?

Well, look, Slim, he's not going to sign for the highest bidder. I want him to

go where he'll be appreciated.

He'll be appreciated. My fans will really appreciate him.

They're hanking for a winner.

Last week, we lost. They got so mad, they hung me and Jack in effingy. Who's

Jack? My horse.

Silver Jack.

The only horse in the world that can count to 12.

Right. Beat Trigger by two.

Now, do we have a deal or not?

I don't know. I have to talk it over with him. It's still up to him, you

Well, if you get him to sign, Madison, you're going to make me one happy

buckaroo. I want to make sure Ernie's one happy buckaroo.

He will be. Well, we've got to go rehire Follibert just in case.

Hi, fellas.

Ernie, Oscar here wants to tell you that I like you a lot, Ernie.

Oscar means that, Ernie. I see.

Well, I wanted to talk to you.

About... The cello. The cello.

Yeah. I wanted to tell you that... Oh, is my cello playing disturbing you? Yes.

No.

What Oscar's trying to say is that you're the kind of person who sets

high standards for himself.

You're a perfectionist at anything you do. Yes, and that's what makes you the

greatest quarterback in the country. Oscar means that sincerely.

Maybe in the world, even.

What Oscar's trying to say is that...

You're not the kind of person who would ever accept second best at anything.

Well, Felix agrees with me on that. That's right.

Sounds like you're trying to say I'm a lousy cello player.

Not lousy. Well, Mr.

Goodchild from the conservatory was here today, right?

What did he say? He said lousy. No.

But he didn't say you were good, Ernie.

Well, then why did they offer me the scholarship?

Oscar and I want you to know that the school still wants you.

They still want me and I'm lousy?

Let me take a guess here.

Does a conservatory need a token Eskimo?

I know.

I was the only Eskimo in my fraternity, too.

They felt so guilty, they even elected me president.

No matter what your ethnic background, people are going to lie to you somewhere

along the line.

Yeah, but you know, I was doing a little lying, too.

To myself.

I mean, I convinced myself I was a pretty good cello player, right?

But I am a good quarterback.

You know it, and there's nothing wrong with throwing touchdown passes. Look at

how I'm begging a man to make $100 ,000 a year.

For $100 ,000 a year, I could take a lot of cello lessons, right?

That's right.

Okay, Oscar, you make the deal, and I'll sign.

Well, Slim Daniels was just here and... Hey, you don't need me to make any deals

for you.

Listen, if I handled it, you'd probably end up furnishing your own uniforms.

Get yourself a good lawyer.

See, I don't know how to thank you guys for everything you've done.

We'd do anything for you.

Anything? Anything.

Well, would you turn up the heat? It's freezing in here.

Ernie Wilson takes it from center. He drops back to pass.

He's being blitzed. Can't find anyone open. He's gonna run with it. Oscar!

You want me to go off in the past?

Nope. Statue of Liberty play.

Why?

Poseidon.