Original subtitles

Felix Unger made a gravy, E -I -E -I -O.

And in that gravy he needed salt, E -I -E -I -O. Felix, keep it down, will you?

I'm trying to write something that can mean a lot of money to me.

Writing your column for the paper? No, I'm writing to Blanche, asking her to

lower her alimony.

Oscar, taste this.

The last three days it's been Oscar, taste this, Oscar, taste this. Oscar,

this. No, I weighed my tongue this morning and weighed 22 pounds.

I have to test my recipe on somebody, don't I? You want me to win the cooking

contest, don't you? Yeah, win, win, win already.

The semifinal is this afternoon.

Standing before you may be the winner of the golden apron.

Good. How do you spell destitute?

D -E -S -T. Never mind. I'll write broke. Big words always make them mad.

First prize is a new kitchen worth $1 ,389.

That's exactly what I need. A brand new kitchen to make my bologna sandwiches

in. Even broke doesn't work.

Need something.

Dear Blanche.

Blanche. Please note that I have not included your monthly alimony check.

However, I have enclosed the three tens that caused me to lose this month's

alimony.

The ceiling is yours, Oscar Maddox. Oscar,

come here!

I refuse to taste any more gravy.

It's my arm!

You cooked your arm?

What are you pointing at? Don't start with, we've got to wash the ceiling

I reached for the mustard and I pulled my arm. I can't get it down.

Again? I know.

See, this always happens when you're nervous. It's not your arm, it's your

No, it's not your back.

It's a nerve in my neck. No, no.

Okay, you do this a couple more times, I can get a chiropractor. I can't calm

down. I can't win a golden apron with one hand. I think I got it. Hmm? The

Go, go, go.

You pull a muscle cooking.

You know why I'm so excited? I think I've found the perfect ingredient for my

gravy. Another gravy? You better leave me out of the gravies, Felix.

I've got a whole battle planned.

This afternoon at the semifinals, I'm going to dazzle them with my fancy tuna

casserole. What do I do, applaud or wave a napkin? Listen to my strategy.

Then at the finals, all the other contestants will pull out all the stops

fancy continental cooking.

By the time the judges get to me, their taste buds will be cloyed.

And then I hit them with a simple American classic.

You're going to make a TV dinner?

Will you be serious?

Roast beef.

It could win. And the clincher is gravy a la Felix.

The secret ingredient. I can hardly wait.

A cup of beer and a teaspoon of dry mustard.

Felix, my only interest in beer and mustard is with a hot dog.

Taste. No.

I refuse to accept that.

You refuse to accept. Would you accept it if I poured it down your back? I have

no time to play games. Taste it. I respect your opinion.

That's the worst thing I ever tasted. What do you know?

That's my friends from the contest. Open the door, will you? I've got to get

ready.

Felix, you're going to ruin my life with this cooking and everything. You think

that's all I've got to do?

Answer the door. Taste this. Taste that. You taste all the gravies. You get to

look like an element. Look for the elements. I hate cooks.

I hate cooking. I hate everything connected with it.

Hi, is Felix here? Come on in. I can't tell you how closely I have followed the

cooking contest.

It's fascinating. It's absolutely fascinating.

You must be Oscar. Felix told us all about you. Yeah, but he didn't tell me

about you.

I'm Sharon, an historian.

Hi. We're going to the cooking contest, and we came to pick up Felix. Yeah,

well, he'll be ready in a couple of minutes. I'll bet your husbands are very

excited about the new recipes you're coming up with, huh?

Sharon's not married.

Only me.

Oh, I see. Well, why don't we sit down and chat about that, huh? You two,

right there. Your roommate, Felix, is so, so sexy.

He is?

The way he tosses a match on the cherry's flame, eh?

Oh, he flings it in with such confidence.

It turns me on.

Tossing a match turns you on?

Oscar?

You know where my brown tie is? Yeah, in my room, buddy. In my room. I borrowed

it. You all right with you girls?

What a voice.

And he cooks.

too. Yeah, well, look, you girls just sit here. Don't move for one.

Tossing a match turns you on.

Felix!

Felix!

Felix!

There's my brown tie in your brown shoe.

Oh, yeah, I put it there so I'd remember they match. Felix, I know this is gonna

sound silly, but I'd like to come down there and watch you. You know, cheer you

on.

Aren't you afraid the guys will tease you?

I changed my mind.

Come on, I tasted your stupid gravy, didn't I? I helped fix your arm, didn't

Can I come with you now? I want to meet the girl. Yeah, yeah, that's your

interest in cooking. You want to meet girl.

What are friends for?

This mirror needs a windshield wiper.

And I'll tell you what, I'll even help you to cook.

Well, the girl said you can have an assistant in the finals. I'll be your

assistant. You may come, but understand this.

When Felix Hunger stands before a flame with a saucepan, he's a solo artist.

Thank you, Mr. Thicke.

Do you have a friend in this country? Ah, ladies and gentlemen, the judges

arrived at a decision.

The winners of the casserole event are numbers one,

six, and eight.

Williamson Flour Company congratulates our three finalists. As you know, you

come back tomorrow night to compete for the Golden Apron Award and to win the

all -new electric kitchen worth $1 ,389.

Plus tax.

To all the others, a set of cookware and our new book.

Congratulations. You're a real competitor.

Felix, excuse me. Listen, I want you to introduce me to number eight.

Huh? Tomato Surprise.

Aren't you even going to congratulate me?

Oh, yes.

Congratulations, pal. Come on, let's meet. She even waved a ladle at me. I

she likes me. I know her.

Good, I'd like to know her.

You were magnificent.

Thank you, Sharon. Well, I'm sorry you didn't make the finals.

Oh, that's all right.

We are going to go out together soon, aren't we, Felix? Yes.

Wait, right here. I'm going to wash the mayonnaise off my hands so I can write

down my phone number. Don't go away. I won't. Dory.

Felix, you are gorgeous. Thank you. Just gorgeous. Thank you, Dory.

You get them all, don't you?

Well, come on. Let's meet number eight. No, no.

That's Barbara Arcola. I don't think it's a good idea for you to meet her.

Felix, what are you doing? Want them all for yourself?

No, no. It's just that... Congratulations,

Mr. Arnold. Thank you very much. Congratulations, sir. Thank you, sir.

Hello, I'm Oscar Mallison.

I'm a friend of Tuna the Casserole. You know Felix Angus. Yes, I know who you

are. I'm Barbara Arcola. How I... Over the years, we had several men win the

Golden Apron Cooking Award.

This time, you're the only one to reach the finals.

Do you think you could defend the title for the men?

I'll do my best.

Doesn't matter whether you win or lose.

It's how you ladle the gravy.

or I'll call out for a cup of coffee.

Don't get mad.

I had to take her out.

Yeah? What'd she say?

A lot of things. I want to tell you your word is magic amongst the cooking

chefs. Yeah?

Yeah. See, she knew we were friends, but when I told her we were roommates, she

was mine.

I thought so.

I'm going to her house tonight.

I don't want you to go out with her.

What are you talking about? What'd you do, hit yourself in the head with one of

your frying pans? No, I'm serious. Everybody down at the contest knows all

her. Good. I like a girl that's been around.

She's known as Bernays Barbara.

You say that like you expect the whole western town to freeze. What are you

talking about?

She was accused. Now, I can't prove this.

But she was accused of stealing another contestant's recipe for a Bernays sauce.

Now, do you see why she wants to go out with you?

She wants to steal my Bernays sauce recipe?

Felix, maybe she wants me. Did you ever stop to think of that? No.

She wants my secret gravy for the finals tomorrow.

She's trying to get at me through you.

Well, I'm sorry, Felix. I have a date with her. I'll be in her house soon.

And the temperature will be 300 degrees.

Ciao, King.

Cooking contests are a jungle.

Mmm, boy, this is delight.

You know, that's one of the best meals I ever had.

Oh, Oscar, you're just saying that.

You must eat very well with Felix doing your cooking. Oh, yeah, Felix is a great

cook, but somehow food tastes better when you're sitting next to a gorgeous

girl.

Mouths are good for other things besides tasting food, too.

Mmm. Mmm.

You're a friendly little thing, you know that?

Felix didn't even want me to come here.

Why not?

Oh, oh, not enough, then it's not.

No, tell me.

Well, you know, he's getting a little paranoid about the chef stuff, see?

Oh, it's not even worth bringing up. No, come on, tell me.

Well, he thinks you want a secret gravy recipe.

Oh, that's silly.

I invited you to my house, not a recipe.

That's exactly what I told him.

I mean, your roommate is very talented, but he's just making a roast.

How do you know he's making a roast?

Well, we all announced to the judges what we were making for the finals.

you're suspicious of me. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. You believe what Felix and the others are saying about me. Bernays

Barbara. I don't even know what a Bernays is. I trust you. Honest, I

trust you. No, you don't. I do.

Look, I'll prove that I trust you. I'll tell you Felix's stupid recipe.

He's using a cup of beer and a teaspoon of dry mustard.

Hey, now would I confide in somebody I didn't trust?

No. Then let's go back to where we were.

Let's not bring it to a boil, Oscar.

I mean, things are better if you let them simmer a while.

You make me sound like a can of onion soup.

I mean, why rush things, Oscar?

And besides, I've got to get up early tomorrow to get ready for the contest.

I think you better go, hmm? It's kind of late.

When am I going to see you again?

Oh, soon.

Hey, how about tomorrow night after the cooking thing?

Oh, very possible.

Listen, most girls don't even care about cooking. How'd you get so involved in

it? Oh, I don't know.

I needed a way to use up my excess energy.

Excess energy? Hey, what about I see you tomorrow morning? See, I'll sit outside

the door. When I hear your alarm, I'll come in with a paper between my teeth.

I'll buckle up.

Good night, Oscar.

Look at this.

Who is it?

Superintendent.

Oh!

Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Cup of beer, teaspoon of dry mustard.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar, how could you?

I don't know, Felix.

One minute her lips were on my lips, the next minute your recipe was on my lips.

She tricked you.

I know. Oh, Oscar.

Us? Wait a minute, Felix. That's not going to carry it away. I mean, I didn't

give away the secrets of the hydrogen bomb.

It was just a stupid gravy recipe. Just a stupid gravy recipe.

It's only worth a golden apron to me and a new kitchen worth $1 ,389.

Well, it just didn't seem that important to me. It didn't seem important to you.

It's important to me.

Aren't you my friend? Does that mean nothing to you? It does now.

It is now after 12.

I'm so tired I could drop.

My nerves are at the breaking point. My arm is killing me. But I'm going in that

kitchen. And I'm going to make a new gravy recipe if I die.

Seems to me the least you could say is you're sorry. I'm sorry, Felix.

The sorry solves nothing.

Barbara, a cola.

I've tried every trick in the book on Felix Unger, but it's not going to work.

Oscar!

Oscar!

Oscar.

Oscar.

Don't hit me, Felix. I didn't... I told you not to reach. I know. I know. All

right, I got the spot.

I can't bring it down. It's like a rock. It's like a rock. All right, take a

deep breath.

Oh! It's all in your head, Felix.

Oscar. What?

I can't move my arms.

So what? They're both down. Yeah, but I can't get them up.

Must be that nerve in my neck. Oh, my.

You've got to learn to relax.

Relax.

I'm in a cooking contest with no arms. Oh, isn't that great?

Oh, isn't that great?

If I won the golden apron, I wouldn't be able to tie it around my waist.

Just make it easier. Call the doctor. No, no, no, doctor. Why not? Why not? I

know what he'll do. He'll put me in traction like last time. Then I won't be

able to be in the finals. Oh, my. Okay, oh, my. Sit down. Remember Halloween? We

tried. Remember? It was Halloween.

You still went trick -or -treating. We got lucky. Maybe we'll do it again

tonight, all right? You ready? Okay.

Unbelievable. Now, you tell me if it's hurt. I'm crazy. I don't know what I'm

doing.

Oh, no.

One more time. Remember Halloween. Just once.

Oh, Oscar. I'm a raging maniac. No, that hurts. The biggie works. Oh, oh, oh.

Oscar.

Felix.

Felix.

You all right, Felix?

Why don't you kill me?

You've tried everything else.

Don't go into one of those deep depressions. I'm not.

It's all my fault, huh?

I didn't know the contest meant that much to you. No, it's silly.

I've never won anything in my life.

Oh, in school once I won a trophy and a spelling bee.

I was the only one in class who knew how to spell zeppelin. Well, you won awards

for your photography.

Once I won a first place for that picture of slum living conditions in New

City. You never told me you won that.

I was ashamed.

I won it with a picture of your room.

Oh, what's the difference?

On my tombstone, they'll write, here lies a man who could spell zeppelin.

Felix, you're going to win that contest.

Can't move my arm. I'll be your arms. You're allowed an assistant, right? I'll

be the assistant. I'll do the cooking for you.

Oh, you don't have to thank me, Felix. What a friend.

No.

No funny hats.

Too bad to hear about your accident, Mr. Unger, but I'm so glad you found a

helper. Yes, sir, thank you.

Well, you know the rules, Mr. Madison.

It was so very kind of you to help out.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to start the finals.

Hey, we're on a time limit. We'd better hustle.

I don't know if this is going to work, Oscar. We've done all that. Now you give

the orders. You tell me what to do, I'll just do it. Well, for openers, your

apron's on backwards.

What do you want? You want to borrow some beer and mustard?

Well, give me a couple of hugs, I'll let you have the whole roast.

Mr. Unger. I don't want to stand next to the same stove as you, Miss Arcola.

I came to apologize. Please let me explain.

What's to explain? You did the worst thing a woman could do. You tried to

advantage of the fact that I was trying to take advantage of you.

No, I know. I thought the whole thing over and it was a stupid thing to do.

You see, my boyfriend Sam thinks I'm a rotten cook because Rhoda, who used to

out with Sam, was a great cook. So when I invited Sam over for dinner with Dick

and Pat, who also know Rhoda, I made a fool of myself because I couldn't cook

well as Rhoda. So I thought if I could win this award, I'd show Sam I could

as well as Rhoda. I thought if I could win an all -new kitchen unit, he might

even marry me. He's been so... cold of me.

I got a far salmon dick.

I couldn't sleep all night.

I can't win by cheating.

Mr. Unger, I promised not to use your gravy recipe.

I'm going to do it all on my own.

That's all I wanted to say.

I'm sorry.

It's the saddest thing I ever heard.

Imagine, she's got a boyfriend.

I was going to ask around again.

After she tricked you?

Sure, I don't know the grudge against a figure like that.

You're hopeless.

Well, at least I can go back to my original gravy.

Yeah, what do I do, Chief? Well, I want those potatoes mashed.

I'll check my ingredient.

I'll never complain about mashed potatoes again being wonky. Oscar? What?

Pick up the electric knife.

Good. I like to work with this thing. What do I do? Turn it on.

Now press it against your throat.

Okay, Phoenix.

The roast is ready. I tied it just like you told me to.

That's how you tie a roast?

I said tie it, not take it prisoner.

I've seen mummies wrapped looser than that.

I'll take off some string.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

What is that?

What is that? I ran out of string. It's my shoelace.

Well, I sterilized it.

That's it. Call the judges.

Judges, I'm quitting. I don't want to be here when you ladle the gravy with your

shoe. Oh, come on. Just give me a chance. I'm just learning. We're going

great cooking team. Come on, please.

All right.

But now, anything you do, you must tell me beforehand.

I promise.

Okay. Turning right.

Going to the stove.

Picking up the boiling potatoes.

And burning fingers on hot pot.

Yelling ow.

I'm going to scrape the carrots.

Not with the electric knife.

Oh, I like to use this thing. I cut the fat away from the roast good with it,

didn't I? Like Jack the Ripper. You scrape with this little knife here.

Did I say whittle? I said scrape.

That's scrape.

Good.

Where's the eagle? Where's the eagle? You're going to cook an eagle? No, it's

decorated. Plastic American roast. Take the eagle.

A meal should not only taste good, it should look good.

And the way you're cooking that roast, we're not only going to need the eagle,

we're going to need you standing there singing Columbia the Gem of the Ocean.

Low and easy, nothing to be afraid of. Now close the door with your foot.

Not bad.

Not bad. Put her down. I think I can cover the rope burns with bay leaves.

Now we're going to pour out the juice and make gravy, right? In a minute.

we're going to stir some flour into the gravy.

Not with the electric knife.

I like this thing.

Give me the flour.

And a tablespoon.

And a tablespoon.

Now you sprinkle a tablespoon of flour into the gravy.

What's that sound?

I left the electric knife on.

What? Oh, no.

Stuck. Mutilating my rope.

That's all right. Oh, look at that.

How can I serve that with a gaping hole like that in it? It's a little cold.

Look, I'll show you. No, you won't. I wouldn't permit the American Eagle to

on a mess like that. You mean you can't serve it? Of course not.

It has to be perfect.

Ten minutes to go.

Pick me up. What? Pick me up. Do as I say.

Take me over to the pepper on the table.

Lower me. Lower me.

Pick me up. Pick me up. Pick me in the sauce.

Closer. Closer.

Higher. Higher. That's it.

Pick me up.

Put you out. Pick you down.

What? What?

Take me back to the meat. The meat. Yes. You going to use the electric knife

now? No.

Get me a ladle. But is that allowed?

I don't know.

Here we go. Higher. Higher. Okay.

I need a bowl.

A bowl. Yes.

No, not there. Over here. More bowl.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the Golden Apron Cooking Award is Mr. Felix

Unger for his old favorite American beef stew with gravy a la

Felix. The second prize goes to Miss Barbara Arcola

for her shrimp diablo. Excuse me, Judge.

There's been a mistake.

What? Please.

Ladies and gentlemen.

My assistant and I won for beef stew.

But we didn't set out to make beef stew. It was a fluke.

We did it to save a roast.

And I didn't fare to all the other fine culinary experts.

I relinquish my prize to the runner -up.

I do this because cooking is my love.

And I cannot accept any award I haven't won honestly.

Because in this world, where there's lying and cheating and stealing in every

walk of life, Felix, you made your point.

I say, can't we at least have honesty in the kitchen?

Magnificent!

Oscar!

Hey, if you'd be so buddy, I'd feel. Oh, I'm exhausted. I put in the most tiring

day at my studio.

Oh, just let me get my breath in. I'll fix dinner.

Felix, you don't have to fix anything. Tonight you're going to be treated to

Oscar Madison specialty.

You cooked dinner? Yeah, but like you said, it's not what you present, but how

you present it, right? Well, I'm going to give you such a presentation.

I'm telling you.

Oscar Madison presents his new tomato surprise.

Hi, Felix.

Sherry!

Okay,

let's go.