Original subtitles

Oscar, I'm going to be very frank with you, I know.

The guys are getting nervous about playing with you.

You know, they got to be nervous about them. I'm beating out my brain. They're

nervous about getting their money.

What? That's the truth, and you can't blame them.

Sure I can blame them, Felix. Why, I never waltzed on a gambling den in my

except one time in Philly, a small den with Henry Diamond.

And you're going to play tonight.

Positively. And if I don't start winning, I may use this razor.

Okay, come with me. I want to show you something.

What's that?

A worthless check signed by you to me from last week's poker game.

Oh, look at that. You'll notice it's stamped insufficient funds.

When you write a check, you're supposed to have enough money in the bank to

cover it.

I made a little mistake. If another check bounces, they'll take away my

checks. Oh, ask. Felix, will you relax? I'm really not in bad shape, honestly.

You mean if you write a check tonight, the bank will cash it tomorrow?

Positively. And if they do, may a bolt of lightning come down and strike me

dead.

This is not where the trouble is.

That's where the terrible flash came from.

Well, it happens sometimes like that, even when the trouble is someplace else.

Why?

If I knew that, I'd be an electrician, getting ten bucks an hour instead of

being a handyman.

I'll have to check out the fuse box in the basement.

Now that the lights are back on, can I at least finish vacuuming? Ah, no

vacuuming until I find out where the trouble is. I've got company coming in.

can't have them seeing the place look like this. You want them to see this

in ashes?

Hey, Lombardi.

You find out what the trouble was? I replaced the socket.

Look, if anything else goes wrong, don't call me.

What do I know? I'm just a handyman.

You remember the dough you borrowed? Yeah. Well, I hate to bring this up, but

could I have some of it now? I'm a little short. How much? Oh, about 50

will do.

I only borrowed 50.

You're calling in 100 % of the loan?

I'm not calling in anything. I'm begging.

You know when I'll give it to you? When?

When I get it.

Absolutely nothing.

That was a mean and childish thing to do.

Well, first I had to get your attention.

I want to ask you a question.

No. It has absolutely nothing to do with the $50.

What is it?

Can you lend me $40?

I've only got $15 to play with tonight.

I ask her, tonight's my night.

Hey, where is everybody?

You know, Speed, you're always the first one here, and you always say, where is

everybody? You're a very funny guy.

Hey, did I see a beautiful blonde on the elevator? Yeah?

That's the Novak's new maid. I've seen her in the supermarket.

Very, very beautiful.

How are you, Speed?

You ain't kidding.

I couldn't take my eyes off around the elevator.

Wound up missing my floor.

Missing your floor. You know something, Speed? If you aren't married, I'll bet

she'd go out with you. Because you're a good -looking guy, you know that?

Oscar, whatever it is, no.

Come in!

Hi, Speed. Hi, Oscar.

Hey, Murray. What's new, Murray?

What's new? I got talked out of writing a parking ticket. That's what's new.

Hey, Murray.

Hey, let's play poker.

Hey, Felix. I don't hear these guys talking about my credit.

There's nothing to talk about.

Well, as the bar is set up, make yourself drinks. I ask only that you use

coasters.

Come on, Oscar. Will you ante up? I already did ante.

No, you didn't. You rattled some chips, but you didn't ante.

All right, copper. I'll ante again, all right? You took a chip out.

I'm going light and shut up and deal already.

Six. Ace.

Eight. King.

Ace bets.

Ace bets a dollar.

I mean, a bullet's worth a buck, right?

Yeah,

if you got another little bullet underneath there.

Well, what are you going to do, Roy?

My, my, isn't he impatient?

Well, I guess I'll, uh... You what?

Make a decision already. What's the big deal?

Here we...

done. Do you know that you're a slob? Can't you be a little bit more careful?

Come on, Roy, you know me.

You're not bluffing.

Felix, that was my first shot at a pot.

I had aces wired.

I'm sorry.

I blew it for you. Make yourself a sandwich. You'll feel better.

Poker face.

Hey, come on, eat, eat. Eat something. You'll feel better.

Hey, what's wrong?

It's a blackout. It must be just here.

Now, look, we had a little trouble before. The super's down fixing a fuse

that'll be on in a couple of minutes. Have you got any candles, Felix?

I've got some on the chiffonier, but I was saving them for a candlelight

So, have them for candlelight poker. What's the difference?

No, no, we don't need any candles. I got a flashlight.

Where's my flashlight?

Okay, who took my flashlight?

Light a candle so I can find my flashlight.

Don't try to switch on your gun, Murray.

Oh, there it is.

It was in my coat pocket all the time.

You're a great cop, you know, Murray.

That must be the superintendent.

I'll get it.

Well, come in.

Come in, come in.

Oh, I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong apartment. I hope not.

Well, the lights are out and I could not tell where I was.

Come in.

Do you mind if I stay for a few moments? No, of course not.

No. Somebody blow out the candles.

I'm Felix Unger. Pleased to meet you. I'm Inge Bjorkman, the Novak's new maid.

know. I saw you in the supermarket.

I saw her in the elevator.

This is Speed.

I am. This is Roy.

This is Oscar.

This is Vinnie. And this is Murray.

Hello. May I take your bag?

Thank you.

Ah, avocado.

We have our own special at the supermarket. I know. Two for a dollar

Starts Wednesday, ends Friday.

I'm so glad all you men are here. I feel so much safer. Who did that?

Did what?

Well, somebody did a very naughty thing.

Okay, don't let anybody move.

Now, who did that? Do you want us up against the wall, Murray?

Fellas, aren't we being a little rude to our guests?

You're absolutely right. Maybe she'd like to join the game. Oh, no, thank

must be going. Well, it's a little bit of a shank of the evening.

I must get back to work. Oh.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Well,

let's hope for another blackout real soon.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Hey, Felix, how come you never introduced her to me before? Because I

think you'd be interested in somebody who cleans house.

Very funny.

Okay, fellas, let's play.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I say, huh? Everybody's shot in the deal, huh?

Hey, somebody ought to count the money in the bank before we start.

Who's deal?

Mine. Hold it.

There was a $50 bill right on top.

Well, it's not there now.

Okay, don't anybody move.

How are we going to find it if we don't move, dummy?

Probably fell on the floor. Well, let's look on the floor. That's what it is.

Under the rug.

Somebody must have taken it as a gag.

Okay, the joke's over. Put it back. Come on.

Yeah, put it back and we'll all laugh, all right?

Come on now, one more second, guys, and it's no joke.

Of course it's a joke. We're all friends. Who's going to steal $50?

It's a gag.

What kind of a gag is that? Somebody stole $50.

Will you stop being a cop for a minute?

Somebody's got to enforce a law. If we took crime as a joke, we'd be clowns

instead of policemen.

We would.

And whoever took it, put it back. Come on, we're wasting valuable time.

You know what I think?

I think somebody must have taken it as a gag, and now they're too embarrassed to

put it back.

I don't think so, Felix.

No one here ever gets embarrassed.

Vinnie, you asked about the bank. Was it your little joke?

No, I'm sure it wasn't, Vinnie.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do. We'll put the lights out, and whoever took

the money, we'll put it back again, and nobody will be any the wiser. All right?

I'm going to count to ten.

And then you'll put them back on.

Off.

One. Hey, who's watching the rest of the money? That's liable to be gone, too,

you know.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

There it is. There it is. Fifty dollars right on top.

It's funny how it disappeared and now it's back.

Hilarious. I mean, it's strange. Like, maybe it wasn't a joke.

Of course it was a joke.

But it wasn't funny.

Stealing never is. Yeah, but feelings. Don't you think we ought to... I think

it's water under the bridge. I say let's forget it. Come on. Put the money where

it goes. Does somebody want to pick my pocket?

God, God, God. Wait a minute.

My watch is gone.

What? Really? Somebody stole my watch.

185 bucks.

You've got to be kidding.

What kind of a nerd is this?

Oh, oh, wait a minute. I'm sorry. I left it home.

I'm sorry, fella.

Oh, Vinnie, you gave me a heart attack.

We've been playing together for seven years.

Nothing like this has ever happened before.

It gives you an eerie feeling.

I'd like to solve this mystery.

Look, will you conduct these investigations after the game?

Yeah. Big Ace bets $2.

What time is it? It's 10 .15, and the bet is $2, Roy. I'm cashing in. I told

wife I'd be home early tonight.

Why didn't you say that before I got the ace up here? I'm sorry, Oscar. I gotta

go. Yeah, me too. This may sound like a phony coincidence, but I did promise a

guy I would take his beat tonight.

Sounds like a phony coincidence.

Are you two?

I gotta go.

Well, I guess that's the game. Come on, Speed. You'd stop a funeral procession

to play another hand. Look, I'll get rid of the ace. I'll take this. Here,

three. Look, what are you panicking about?

So he's next week. Oh, the pot owes me 50 cents.

See you next week.

Hey, Murray, wait up.

How do you like that?

Those guys ran out of here like I had the plague.

I wonder why they rushed down like that.

Do you really wonder why, Oscar?

You know, Felix, the more I think of the dummy who played that practical joke

with the $50, the madder I get.

Oh. You notice how much trouble it caused?

How we started to mistrust each other, and that's why the game broke up early.

It wasn't a joke.

What?

There was a theft tonight.

You serious?

Very.

Really?

Who do you think did it? Oh, come on, Oscar. You know who did it. No, I don't.

I'm trying to figure it out. Oscar.

Oscar. Oscar.

What? What?

What? You think it was speed?

Oscar.

Oscar. Oscar. Well, Pete was the big winner. He didn't need the money. That's

perfect opportunity. That's nonsense.

The big loser is the one who would take it. No, Felix. See, I was the big loser.

You see, the big loser was me, Felix.

Felix. Felix. You trying to say you think I took the money? Yes.

That's why I put it back for you. You put the money back. I took $50 out of my

pocket and put it back in the box. Why?

Because I didn't think you'd do it and I wanted a cover for you.

Can't believe it. You just assumed I was... Oscar, Oscar. Never mind no more

with the Oscar, Oscar.

How dare you come up for an innocent man that's insulting. Oscar, I wasn't the

only one who knew you took it. Everybody knew you took it. What?

Everybody knew you took it. You, whose checks have been bouncing all over town.

Why do you think everybody was looking at you?

I thought they were looking to me for leadership.

They were looking to you for $50.

Well, search me. I don't have it. If that's the way you want it. That's the

it is, Felix.

Oh, forget it. I'm too upset even to clean up. I'm going to bed.

I'm shocked.

I'm really shocked to think that they suspect me and my whole entire life. I

never took anything that didn't belong to me.

be?

Where could it be?

Look at this.

Got to be the only house in America with no dust under the roof.

Yes.

Blanche's wedding ring.

She never loved me.

How about this?

You got me crawling around on the floor in the middle of the night.

Some friends I've got, there's no loyalty.

I'm going to sell all my friends. I'm going to buy a dog.

How would great detectives like Perry Mason and Charlie Chan, how would they

prove I was innocent?

Charlie Chan's Last Chance.

The Murder of the Crazy Butcher.

Molly's First Love.

The Strange Case of Henry Adams. I read this guy before. It's pretty good.

In Henry Adams, the accused was brought before the Bar of Justice.

His friends looked at him accusingly.

Sure they did.

Yet pure of mind and innocent in his heart, he stood alone to face the

That poor guy.

And as sure as the coming of the winter snows, when all the evidence was in and

had been sifted. Oh, go get him, Henry, go get him. Henry Adams was guilty!

Science versus

crime, that's more like it.

The science involved was simple, almost primitive.

If each of the suspects could somehow be brought back to the scene of the crime

and the strategic questions put to them, the guilty party would have to reveal

himself.

That's the way to handle it, all right.

Even sleeps me.

What is it? Who is it? Oscar.

Oscar?

Phoenix, do you have to sleep with those stupid things on?

It helps me sleep.

Yeah, but I don't feel like telling my troubles to the Lone Ranger.

What is it?

It's this money thing. It's really bugging me.

Well, that's guilt.

What are you talking about guilt? I don't feel guilty because I didn't take

money. All right, then what's bugging you? What's bugging me is that you think

took it and the other guys think I took it. All right, I don't think you took

it. Oh, everybody, you do think I took it. Look, I can't sleep until I get to

the bottom of this thing. What time is it? 2 .30.

2 .30 in the morning? What are you so excited about? You've been up till 2 .30

in the morning. Not when I have to get up and think.

Felix, I've got to get to the bottom of this thing. You'll do it tomorrow.

Now!

What do you mean, now?

I'm calling all the guys here. I'm going to get them all in one room, and nobody

gets out until the guilty party confesses. You can't do that. Why not?

I have nothing to serve.

Oscar, it's 3 .15.

Good, Roy. Every group needs somebody who can tell time.

Where's Maureen?

Yeah, when you want a copy, you can never find one. Don't worry, he'll be

any minute. Hey, I must be nuts to be here. Five more minutes and I'm going

home, unless you want to play a couple of hands. Just relax. Will you speak?

Oh, proud man in blue coming to the house of Willie Sutton Madison. Hey, you

want to frisk me?

Oh, cut it off.

Now, what's this all about? And it better be good.

My wife thinks I'm fooling around with a meter maid.

Sit down. And don't forget, fellas, hold on to your watches and your wallets.

Felix tells me that you, you, my closest friends in the whole world, guys I

went to school with, we had our hands stamped together at the dances at

High, that you think I stole that money. Don't bother to deny it.

The truth is the only thing that matters. Don't worry about my feelings.

You have to speak up, no matter how difficult it may be.

You have to speak your true feelings.

Now, do you think I stole the $50?

Yes.

Roy,

would you stand up, please? Please.

Roy, you're an old and very dear friend.

You've been my trusted accountant for a lot of years.

I want your answer without the pressure of Felix's friends here.

And whatever your answer is, there'll be no recriminations.

Now, you tell me, dear trusted friend, tell me to my face that you think I

the money.

Oscar, I think you stole that money.

I can't believe it!

Everyone here has said that they think that you took the money, Oscar. I think

you ought to believe it. Do we have to go through all this? If Oscar didn't

steal the money, somebody else did. Well, so what? We're all friends. It's

ridiculous to stay up all night for a thing like this. Yeah, let's forget the

whole mess.

Oscar probably isn't guilty, or he wouldn't have gone through all this

Right.

Let's let bygones be bygones. Forget it!

Yeah, let's forget it.

And besides, you put the money back, Oscar.

I didn't put the money back because I didn't take it. Felix put the money

Felix? That doesn't make sense.

I put it back to cover for Oscar. That makes sense.

And it was nice of you to do it, Felix.

Yeah.

Hi, Inga. Come on in. What is the problem? Besides, my boss does not want

get calls at this hour.

Hi, Felix. You called her till what is this? I want everybody here so we can

reenact the crime.

Crime?

Someone only brushed me. I would not call that a crime.

Me neither.

Never mind. Now, where were you guys when the lights went out?

Oh, how do we know?

Well, you better remember. The sooner you get to it, the sooner we can all go

bed.

Well,

get over there. All right, all right. You were

standing, if I remember correctly, you were standing right by Murray right

Well, I'm just me enacting the crime.

Okay, I was over here, I remember. Right here.

Okay, everybody freeze!

Ah!

Ah! Now I hope you've learned your lesson.

As you can see, you should never jump to conclusions, never accuse unjustly.

Look, here I am. The only one who was near the bank, the only one who could

taken the money, which certainly proves... that I am a rotten detective

shouldn't be listening.

Murray, arrest Oscar.

I feel it's my duty to inform you of your rights. It's my duty to inform you

shut your face, Murray.

Are we over the hole now?

No, we're staying here until we clear this thing up. Wait a minute.

Who had a ham, corned beef, salami, cream cheese, and tomato on rye? With

mustard or mayonnaise?

Mustard, of course.

I did, so what?

It proves, Oscar, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you took the money.

You mean?

I mean that in the dark, you made yourself a very expensive sandwich.

Oscar ate the money?

Exactly.

Well, I hope this teaches all of you a lesson.

Yeah, not to make a sandwich in the dark.

No, not to assume someone is guilty just because all the evidence points to him.

Oscar Madison is innocent!

Excuse me, but it is getting late and I must be getting back shortly. Besides, I

don't want my boss to think that all Swedes do like in the movies.

Good night, Felix.

Good night, Inga.

Say hey, baby.

Tell us, since we're all here together, what do you say? One quick hand before

we go.

Why else can it hurt, huh? Except my marriage.

Since we're here, we're going to play and everything.

What I mean is, would you lend me a little money?

Oh, Felix, that's why I came home early.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you? I was only asking.

No, I'm going to hang around the house, have a couple of beers. I'm going to

turn in early. I'm tired.

It's for me.

Have fun. You too. Have a ball, buddy.

Ready, Felix?

Ready, Inga.

Hello. Felix, what do you think?

I'm going to go shopping with you. No, Inga and I are going shopping Swedish

style. You're going to the market nude? No, alone.

Oh, look, I could come with you. I could push the carriage. Hey, hey.

the avocado day, eh?