Original subtitles

You in this game, Vinnie, or not?

Yeah, I'm in. Well, then.

Gee, Oscar, please, ooh, take it easy.

Boy, you've been nasty, screaming all evening.

Well, I'm sorry, fellas, but you know how the holiday season depresses me.

Oscar, just because you and your ex -wife were married on December 25th,

no reason to hate Christmas.

Well, that's a pretty good start, though, huh?

You want another reason why I'm so jolly? Blanche and that guy, she was all

to marry, they broke up. You mean she had that retired general split?

Yeah. Wow, what happened?

Last weekend, she took him home to meet her folks.

Monday morning, he put his uniform back on. He volunteered for combat duty.

Don't talk to me about Christmas, will you?

All that sticky, phony goodwill.

I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar -plum fairy.

Felix is right.

Oscar would make a perfect Scrooge for our play. He won't even have to act.

What, Murray, what?

It's for Murray's police charity.

We're all doing Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol at the Midtown

I'm all choked up.

Felix is directing, and he picked you to be Ebenezer Scrooge. Didn't he tell you

about it? Yeah, he told me. Did he tell you what I told him back?

Christmas cheer. Felix Unger's homemade eggnog and whole cow Christmas cookies.

Felix, you did it again.

Hey, I've never seen this before. What is it?

A gingerbread octopus?

No, it's a reindeer with antlers. You're eating it upside down.

Oscar, have a cookie. I have all the Christmas colors. Red, white, green.

You got any black cookies? I like black cookies.

I'm not going to do you a dumb play. Of course you are. You're the perfect

Scrooge. I told you I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to spend all my time trying to find a love potion that'll make Blanche

fall in love with anybody. Look, I pay alimony, too, and I don't take it out on

all the guys.

Besides, it's deductible.

I've got nothing to deduct it from.

You better be good, or Santa isn't going to bring you anything. Santa? Are you

kidding? Santa wouldn't come. If he came down that chimney, you'd have him

cleaned and pressed. I'm not doing your dumb play.

Please, Oscar, the kids need a Scrooge they can hate. Oh, yeah, you'd be

perfect. Oh, you want to hate, fellas? Why didn't you tell me? I'm going to

you hate. I'm going to give you all kinds of hate.

You don't mean that. You're sloppy, but you're not cruel.

Don't test me, Felix.

Oscar, in these troubled times, what do the words peace on earth, goodwill

toward men mean to you?

They mean, Felix, I've had you up to here.

I'm going to bed.

You can't. You've got to help me trim the tree.

Take the tree with you and trim it outside because I'm throwing you out,

That's your Christmas present.

It's snowing outside.

That's perfect for you. It'll hide the dirt.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

That's our Scrooge.

Think these belong to you? If they're not stained, crumpled, or smelly, they

probably do.

Why don't you take what you need for tonight, send for the rest tomorrow?

You're impossible to live with at this time of year. You said you wanted me to

leave, and I'm leaving. I presume that's the way you still want it? That's

exactly the way I want it. As soon as I get my overcoat and galoshes, I'll

trouble you no more.

Wait a minute. I just threw you out. Why are you giving me a gift?

It's your Christmas present. Yeah, well, I don't want it. Neither do I.

Well, I got a gift for you, too. It's under the sink. Yes, I know. I found it

there last week.

What were you doing under the sink?

Some people are known to clean under there.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Goodbye forever, old buddy.

Peace on Earth.

After that speech, I thought you'd leave by the chimney.

Anybody should wish to contact me, I'll either be at my studio rehearsing the

play... Or at whatever hotel has a vacancy this time of year.

Hold it, Felix.

Take this with you.

You know, I was wrong to ask you to play Scrooge.

Next to you, he was a saint.

Ah.

Hope you get mugged by an orphan.

Boy, that Charles Dickens was sure a genius. This is a wonderful play.

Yes, but without the right person playing Scrooge, it could be a bomb.

agree, Speed?

Hey, Speed, he must love the writing.

Hey, come on.

Lolita and the Naked Pharmacist, or Happiness is a Hot Drugstore.

You've got terrific reviews, really.

Besides, I read the stick -in story. Here, come here.

Hi. Hey, Murray, wait there. Oh, sorry I'm late.

Some wino got tangled up in a Christmas display window.

We booked him on a charge of assaulting an elf.

Hey, where's Felix?

He's back there pacing. You know him, he always gets so involved.

Yeah, well, he better really get involved in this play, because without

playing Scrooge, we're in deep trouble.

No, we're not. We don't need Oscar Madison to make this show a hit.

The theater is a collaborative effort, not a vehicle for the talents of an

individual.

Orson Welles said that.

Tell us if we pull together, we can make this a heck of a show.

Yeah, let's all work hard. I want to invite the police commissioner.

But, Felix, you make it sound so serious.

It's only a little play for kids.

Well, if that's your attitude, forget it.

I mean, why do you have me to direct it? Let's be directed.

Come on, Felix.

We want you, Felix.

Wouldn't it be better if Oscar played Scrooge?

No.

Oscar said he doesn't want to play the part. I, for one, refuse to beg him.

We'll find somebody else to play the part.

Roy, read for the part.

Felix, I can't play the part. Trust me. I don't have the spot. Trust me.

Read.

Christmas, bar, humbug.

If I had me way, every fool that goes about shouting Merry Christmas should be

boiled in a plum pudding.

There are no small parts.

Only small actors, remember?

You're going to be marvelous on the snow.

I guess that means you were lousy. Ah!

We've only scratched the surface. We'll find the right man for the job.

Murray.

Felix. You want me to try for Scrooge?

No, Murray.

You're too full of humanity.

Nobody would ever believe you were a mean person.

Even if you kicked a dog on the stage, nobody would ever believe it.

I would never kick a dog, Felix.

I know that, Murray.

Director sensed these things.

You are Ebenezer Scrooge.

You hate everything that is warm and decent because you've never known warmth

and decency.

Other people are having the fun you should be having and you despise them

and you'll make them pay.

Now read, Scrooge.

I guess I was pretty bad, huh?

Come on, sit down. Come on.

You have an unusual gift, Vinnie.

If we ever do Scrooge as an axe smitterer, you've got the job.

Speed?

It's your ball.

What do you want? I want you to read.

Oh, read this now, Felix. I'd get embarrassed.

You're among friends, Speed. Don't be coy. Come on. Come on. Read.

Okay.

Waldo. of the soda jerk took Lolita behind the prescription counter. With

he brought a crutch, two thermometers, and a banana split to go. Charles

never wrote that.

I didn't say he did.

Where it says Scrooge, read.

Oh.

Yes, Miss Bahamut, I say, if I had my way, I would... Thank you very much.

That's the first time I've ever heard Scrooge performed as an auctioneer. You

don't get the part.

I told you that.

Felix, we're in big trouble.

We better beg Oscar to reconsider. Nobody here can play Scrooge. Not

here has auditioned for the part.

Right. Felix hasn't auditioned yet.

Yeah, I'll bet he can do it.

Fellas, I appreciate you thinking of me. I could. I could. I could play it. But

if I did, we wouldn't have a show for the kids.

Somebody's got to be backstage and run all the technical things. It's very

difficult. I can't do it.

I'd like to show you how it ought to be done, though.

Christmas for humbug.

If I had my way, every fool that shouts Merry Christmas should be boiled in a

plum pudding and buried with a sprig of holly through his heart.

We'd better get Oscar.

You're the only one who can play the part.

Hey, Felix.

Felix. Will you tell, will you tell Oscar he's the only one? Gone 24 hours

already this lovely apartment has reverted to a jungle.

Yep. The Board of Health is going to take away your gold star, and this is my

apartment, and this is the way I like it.

I didn't come to bandy words with you, Oscar.

I'm here solely on behalf of those children. Hold it a minute, will you,

I can't take a sob story on an empty stomach.

Billy, would you get up a minute, please? You're sitting on the meatloaf.

Oscar, we need you for the play. Now, what do you say? Come on.

No chance.

That spicy food will bring back your ulcer. You're not going to sleep a wink

tonight.

Oscar, maybe the reason Christmas gets you down is because you just think about

yourself. But if you do the play for those kids at the orphanage... Murray is

making a very sound psychological point.

If you would do something for others, you'd find you were doing something for

yourself. Oh, forget psychology, Oscar. Look, it would be just a nice thing to

do. Just plain nice.

Especially at Christmas time, Oscar. I mean, it can be the loneliest time of

year for a person if he doesn't have a little love in his heart.

Well, I'd like to help you out. I'd be up with the kids. I really like kids,

I'm just not in the mood, that's all.

Mr. Oscar Madison?

Yeah. You have a singing telegram.

Play it on me, Kevin.

Season's greetings, Oscar boy, my alimony's due.

If you don't pay up right away, I'll get the cops on you.

And you'll spend Christmas in the clink with other bums like you.

Signed, your former wife, Blanche Madison.

You expect a tip from me for that?

What tip? She sent to collect.

You were talking about loving the hawk.

Oscar, come on. Don't let a couple of bad breaks turn you against Christmas.

Don't give me...

out everybody. I'm not going to do the play.

Get him out of here.

Stay out of his way. He's dangerous this time of year. In case you don't

recognize him, that's Ebenezer Scrooge.

That's who you are. The real Scrooge. You better get out of here.

That's a bleeding heart.

Just because I'm realistic about Christmas, they call me Scrooge. I like

them a... What's that noise?

Hey! Keep it down! If people are trying to arrest me, I'm going to call the

cops! That's right!

Look at this. Look at this. Merry Christmas.

To bleeding hearts.

I don't think I could have had that meatloaf. Not after the Chilean liver

For tonight's television special, we proudly present Charles Dickens'

Christmas Carol.

Yeah, Christmas Carol preempts the Rolodex. That figures for me.

That figures.

That really figures. Marley was dead.

Dead as a doornail, of that there was no doubt.

Yet before the night was out, his apparition...

will appear.

Terrify and change the hated, ratchety, sloppy

Ebenezer Madison.

Ah, humbug, Christmas is humbug.

Ebenezer Madison.

What was that?

Look at your television set.

That's the lousiest commercial I ever saw. Don't touch that remote control

device! How'd you do that?

You will be haunted tonight, Ebenezer Madison, until the bitterness

in your heart is no more.

Haunted. Haunted.

It's just bad reception, that's all.

Wait till that TV repairman gets here. I'm going to kick him down the stairs.

Surprise.

You're not really here.

I'm imagining it all. It was all that spicy food I ate. You know, you're

but a bad dream.

Wrong, Ebenezer. Can a dream do this? Look.

Take a card. Any card.

Oh, please go away.

Come.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, this is wrong. I've read the story. You're not really

Marley's ghost. They couldn't get Marley. It's his busy season.

Come, I'll show you the first vision.

Are you crazy? That's 12 floors down.

Touch but my hand and you will be upheld in more than this.

Would I tamper with a classic?

I tried to tell him. Don't say a word.

We'll take an alternate route.

How? We'll take the elevator.

I saw

this place in a Wolfman movie once.

I don't like it. You think I like it?

Can you imagine what this fog is doing to my signage?

Be gone, fog.

Be gone.

I'm shivering. Why is it so cold here?

Because, Ebenezer Madison, we are entering your own cold -hearted past.

Look back into your Christmas past.

Dear Santa Claus, this Christmas I wanted a pony.

That was the only thing I asked for.

Not a horse, just a wolf. pony.

I know Mommy and Daddy said I was stupid to have a pony in a Bronx, but I

could... I could... I could have kept him in my bedroom.

But, Sadie, you didn't give me nothing. Just an old, ugly duck here with a

busted honker.

So I hope your stupid reindeer's a tacky, a fat creep.

Yours truly.

I don't want to see you anymore.

Perhaps to look into Christmas present.

will change your mind.

Come along, dear Tiny Tim. Come along.

And don't touch the snow. You don't know where it's been.

I know that face.

I can't place it. Who is it?

Your clerk, Bob Cratchit. What clerk? I don't have any clerks.

Merry Christmas!

What a joy it is to be home in one's hovel on Christmas Day. Come in, Tiny

God bless us all, everyone.

Good, hold that thought.

Are you hungry, poor teeny tiny Timmy? God bless us all, everyone. Of course,

you're delirious with hunger.

I'd best call my other poor children.

Careful, tiny, don't bang the furniture with the crutch.

God bless us all, everyone.

Keep saying that and someday you'll grow up to be a cop.

Children!

Your father is home with your tiny brother, Tiny Tim. If we weren't so

change your name.

Children! Dad! Come quickly, come quickly, everybody.

We await you or not.

I'm in for a shilling.

Merry Christmas, Tiny Tim, my sad brother.

God bless us all.

Everyone. Ah, shut up and let's play cards. Come on, let's play cards.

I've seen enough of this weird garbage. I'm going home.

I want to get a seltzer. My ulcer's acting up.

Blue boys.

Come close.

Let's huddle for warmth. Oh, how lucky we are to be together on this day of

days. Yeah, we're lots luckier than Ebenezer Madison.

Boo!

Boo! Boys, boys, for shame!

It's a good thing your mother isn't here to hear you talking that way.

Where is Mommy Dada?

I don't know.

All I know is that I put the alimony check in the mail and the government

the rest.

God bless us all.

Everyone. Poor tiny Tim.

I'd like to lend him some money so he could have his nose fixed.

Think. What an empty Christmas he must be having.

With nobody to care about him but a dumb rubber duck.

I know.

Let's sing him a Christmas carol by Charles Dickens. I'm in for eight bars.

I'll see that and raise you twelve bars.

God bless us all.

Everyone.

Boy. Let's hear it now for Ebenezer Madison, no matter how terrible a person

may be.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride in

one horse over sleigh.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

They're singing for me.

They don't hate me.

I've been so miserable to them.

Hey, ghost. Hey,

ghost.

Where are you?

Too young.

It's mine.

This messy grave marks the last resting place of Oscar Maddox.

Hey, listen, Ghost, that isn't fair.

You know, I don't want to go this way with nobody remembering me, nobody

It's my only friend, Ghost.

Listen, you've got to give me another chance.

Please. One more chance. Please.

Please.

Please.

Please. Oscar. Please.

You're having a nightmare.

Who? Oh, that spicy food, Jay. No wonder.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did tell me my ulcer would act up. Yeah, well, you should

have listened to me.

Got my things all packed, Oscar. This is goodbye.

What do you mean goodbye? What goodbye?

Fellas are outside waiting for me.

They wanted me to make one last ditch effort to get you to play Scrooge. We're

rehearsing tonight and you could make it.

But I said you'd never be interested.

I'll have to play it myself, Oscar.

Goodbye. Oh, hold it. Watch yourself now.

I'm a former serviceman. Don't do anything rash.

Rash, what are you talking about? You're the best friend I have in the whole

world. I am. Yes.

I am? Yes.

And Roy and Speed and Vinnie and Murray.

All my good friends. And what kind of a friend have I been? I wouldn't even be

in a lousy Christmas play for you guys. This is the real you.

that's underneath the other real you.

Well, this real me that's underneath the other real me is the only real me

you're ever going to see from now on. I'm going to make this the best

my friends ever had. Will you do our play?

Of course I will. Come on, I've got to lick my lips. I've got my bags packed.

I've got everything ready. What do you mean your bags?

They're going to stay right here where they belong.

You mean it? I mean it.

Come on, let's go.

What is that?

That was what?

Oh, that was that thing.

Tiny Tim!

Oscar!

Oscar!

It's Tiny Tim. It's Murray!

Your old friend. We're on our way to costume rehearsal.

Murray. Oh, it is you.

Oh, you don't know what kind of a scary dream I had. That's from all that spicy

food you eat. Yeah, but listen, we're going to go to rehearsal and I'm going

be the best scrooge ever!

You like the nightcap I stole from the play?

Mm -hmm.

It's very nice. Very nice. I would have one minor note.

It's a little too nice.

I'd have the same note about your performance.

You were just a little too nice. The kids loved you.

But if you were a meaner man, the transformation at the end would have

sharper, more effective.

Thank you, George G. Nathan. I'll wait to see what the other critics have to

say. What about the tree? I helped to do that. That's nice, isn't it? Very nice.

Very, very beautiful. I have one minor criticism here, too. Not important, just

a quibble.

But I do think that your supportos are not quite the proper Christmas spirit.

Yeah, but I'm new at this kind of thing. I got something. I want you to open

tonight. I can't wait. Oh, no, no, not tonight. Not tomorrow.

I have to give you one, too. Okay, let's go. All right, now.

All right.

This gift certificate entitles Mr. Felix Unger to select a superior all -new air

germ humidifier and croup kettle in choice of color. Oh, Oscar, it's what

wanted so badly.

I thought it would help your allergy. It will. Oh, Felix,

a garbage can with my initials on it. I had it custom made. Open the top, open

the top.

Okay.

Merry Christmas, Oscar.

Merry Christmas, Felix.