Original subtitles

Is that you putting a flower on your buttonhole? Yeah, you like it?

Yeah, but aren't you afraid the jacket will wilt the flower?

What are you talking about? I just had it cleaned.

You should have had it pressed while you were at it. What are you doing in your

pajamas? I thought you had a date with Geraldine.

Geraldine and I had a tiff. Oh.

We are no more.

A tiff, huh?

Took her to a cocktail party last night. I ended up taking another girl home.

Why'd you do that?

Because she put a lampshade on her head. She can't handle a liquor.

Hey, what's Geraldine's phone number?

Oh, I'm only kidding. I got a date with Gwen Pigeon tonight. When she drinks,

she gets frisky. Oh,

come on. Call Geraldine, will you? Lamb shades aren't so bad.

When my ex -wife used to have too much to drink, she'd put on a ballet shoes

do Swan Lake.

Oh, I used to pray for a real lake so she would fall in. And a hungry

would come along.

Really on a bummer. I'm stuck in Canada and my photographer copped out on me.

Now, can you catch Canadian flight 306 to Quebec?

For what?

To do a cover for Lifestyle Publications.

Wow. I left a ticket for you at the airport.

The plane leaves in 68 minutes.

Tonight? You couldn't have called a little later?

Hunger. This is a fast -paced happening world. There are no time for

formalities. Why do you think advertising has accepted me in such a

Because your father -in -law owns the agency.

Yeah, but he knows his daughter married a today guy.

Now, what do you say, Unger? Will you take the job?

Look, if I'm going to make that plane, I've got things to do. I've got to pack.

I've got to cancel an appointment. I have to buy cold pills.

Unger, you stick with me. I will make you a giant on Madison Avenue.

I'm where it's at, and I want you with me. It's not exactly where I want to be,

but for a lifestyle cover, I'll do it.

Oh, right on.

Right off.

I'm leaving for Canada right now. Call.

Eight hours.

Cast model for Thursday.

Right away.

This evening by a pet ocelot which was said to have escaped from a Sutton Place

townhouse. The driver of the car responsible for the pileup is

sue the owners of the ocelot for whiplash and possession of a dangerous

Just a minute.

Felix! It's for you!

Wait a minute.

Felix!

Oh, no, he's not.

No. You bet hasn't been slipped yet.

Yeah.

And maybe he got lucky.

Yeah.

I'll tell him.

Come on, man.

Wouldn't you know it, the phone is snowballing, too.

Oh, that's the topper. I lost my wallet.

I was so rushed, I left it at the airline counter, along with my toilet

articles, my cold pills.

You know, I once had the Victor Coldfill account, but they fired me. Said the ad

campaign was too far out.

I remember that ad.

The nude with the runny nose.

Well, that was in questionable taste, don't you think?

No, it was heavy.

Felix is right. It was in questionable taste.

I know.

I was the nude.

I thought you looked familiar.

Felix is missing?

He can't be. I just called him in. Just like that, huh?

He's been gone since Wednesday night. No phone calls, nothing. That's why I'm

waiting for Murray to get here. Come on, sit down, Oscar. We can play without

Murray. Speed, for goodness sakes, didn't you hear? Felix is missing.

Yeah, so we can play with four.

Look, what do you want to bet he shows up tonight? All I have to do is deal him

a hand and he'll show up.

Speed, somebody deals a hand, you show up. But if it happens, Felix is the one

that's missing. What about work?

Hasn't he been to work?

That's what worries me.

One of his models called me up today, told me she had an appointment with him,

and he didn't show up. Now, Felix never misses an appointment.

Especially with a model.

Are you guys gonna play poker?

Speed, will you hold it a minute?

This is the last time I'm playing poker at a missing persons bureau.

I'd like Felix to drop out of sight.

Drop out of sight?

Oscar!

Remember that time? The night his wife walked out on him?

He's gonna jump. You don't think that he... Come on. Down in the street with

that litter? Felix wouldn't jump down there.

Yeah. Felix would do it in a cleaner way.

Anybody beat aces?

What makes you guys think he committed suicide? Felix didn't commit suicide.

I'm gonna take the pot.

Take the pot. It's your money. Take the pot. Oscar, how do you know he didn't

commit suicide?

All right.

All right. That proves it. You sound like... flight, Felix didn't commit

suicide. It's a black suit. What does that prove?

Well, Felix always wears his black suit for formal functions like funerals,

weddings, and suicides.

Well, here we are under the worst possible conditions. We're snowbound, no

no wallet. He's here.

Let's have fun.

You know there must be ten feet of snow out there. We're really snowbound.

I just don't believe it.

Snowbound. This is really getting me uptight.

Now, look, I have got people to see and deals to make. We could be trapped up

here for a week away from everything that's happening. By the time we get

you won't be happening.

Felix, are you saying we're all going to be trapped in here?

Yes, that's exactly what he's saying.

My father -in -law will not understand this. When I get back, I'll probably

my desk in the mail room.

I just don't believe it.

Snowbound.

Well, we have plenty of food, but we're almost out of firewood. We've got

brandy. That's a great warmer -upper.

All right. freeze.

I haven't said anything up till now. I think now it's serious. We will not be

able to shoot this layout. Oh, of course we will. We'll shoot it in here.

We'll pose the girls around the fireplace in front of the window. We'll

layout Snowbound.

Snowbound?

Unger! That's now thinking!

Go, now, in the other room. Watch Sesame Street.

I don't think there's a TV.

Pretend.

Could I watch?

Oh, I can watch anything I want. I don't have to ask you.

What are we going to do when the brandy and the firewood are gone?

Well, there's always the old Eskimo custom of huddling close together for

warmth.

Maybe we ought to practice the Eskimo thing now, in case we have to do it

tonight.

That's now thinking.

Besides, if Felix was going to end it all, he'd leave a note neatly typed and

three volumes.

He leaves a note when he goes to empty the trash.

Hey. My wife always leaves a note for me in the refrigerator on top of the six

-pack. All right, we'll try it. Oscar! In a minute!

I can't believe it. What?

There's no beer.

And no note either.

Here, here, I found it. Here's a note. Pick up some tuna, cheese, and a six

-pack of beer.

Dad! I finally won once.

Can you believe this, man?

What about your bedroom?

No, Felix never goes into my bedroom and makes him sick. He could have left a

note on your pillow. I'm telling you, he didn't leave a note on my pillow.

I tell you, there's nothing in here.

Nothing here.

Looks like Wall Street after a ticker tape parade.

I've been so worried about Felix, I haven't had a chance to clean up. Hey,

what's this?

I think I found it. Hey,

Oscar, this is the end.

We're finished.

I can't stand it another second picking up after you.

You're running around, you're caught, loudmouth poker -playing friends.

Of course.

By the time you read this, I'll be in Reno.

Reno?

This isn't from Felix, it's from my ex -wife.

What do you know?

Lance left me a note when she walked out on me.

Oscar, she walked out on you two years ago.

Yeah, I didn't even know she could write.

Look, I told you Felix couldn't leave a note here.

That, that, that's your brains off. Have you checked with the police?

I'm waiting for Murray to get here.

You think Murray is missing, too?

Will you guys stop playing Dick Tracy and let's play poker?

Speed, I don't believe you. You'd miss your own funeral to play poker.

Just bury me with openers.

Murray. Hey. Hi.

Yeah? Listen, I want to talk to you. Hold it a minute, Oscar.

Felix isn't here, right? Well, that's what we want to talk to you about. I

How could you know?

I've had a lot of tough assignments since I've been in the force, but this

the toughest.

Guys?

Men?

I don't know how to say this. Say what?

I got a car downstairs.

I want all of you to come downtown with me.

What for?

To identify Felix.

Identify Felix? I can identify him. He's a nice -looking guy, a pain in the neck

about cleaning up. Oscar, this is no joking matter.

Why are you so upset?

He's in the morgue.

Felix's wallet, all right.

That was once the picture of his ex -wife and his ex -daughter. And his

cards. Cards?

Oh, credit cards.

You're sure?

Oh, I'd know Felix's wallet anyplace without the dogs, without the ex -wives,

without... Yeah? And how would you know that?

Because his name is stamped in gold there.

Oh, you're right.

It's your ogre's wallet.

Let's see the body.

Benny, come on, boy. You know he looks like a phantom.

You better get him out of here. You all right, buddy?

He'll be all right.

Clean

one,

all right.

You hear that, Roy? Clean.

That's Felix.

That's... Felix?

They found him in a river. It changes people.

I don't care. That's not Felix. How long was he in the water?

Last night.

Possibly Thursday morning.

I don't care how long he was in the water. I tell you, that's not Felix.

Poor Felix.

Your little heart is pounding away.

It's hard to believe.

He laid out his last buffet.

That's him!

That's him!

That's Sam, all right!

Poor Sam.

He looked so peaceful.

Like he was lying on a bench, sleeping it off.

You see, a reliable source agrees with me. It's not Felix.

But he had Felix's wallet.

He was my best friend.

How long did you know him?

Since about 12 o 'clock last night.

Where'd he get Unger's wallet?

I never saw that before.

Then why did you push your friend Sam in the river? Who, me?

Now, why would I do that?

He had the wine.

We were pals.

We were going to open a business together.

Cassette. Take him up.

I want to find out what he knows about this damn character.

And you, all of you, let's go upstairs.

I want a few answers from you.

To what questions?

Like, where's Felix Unger?

That's a good question.

Oh, here.

This is crazy. We're wasting time. We should be out looking for Felix.

All of you, sit down here.

Murray, over here.

Hey, Sarge, you don't happen to have an extra deck of cards for us, do you?

Speed, this is headquarters downtown.

Thanks.

See, he gives me a deck of cards, you give me the address. That's why he's a

sergeant. Don't be nervous.

I'm not nervous. I'm cold.

You all did pretty well, didn't you?

Uh, yes.

We used to go over to his house to play... to play poker, right? I know all

about your weekly game. Murray told me.

Why do you think he was in your game?

Because I didn't want him in mine. Until I get my promotion.

Right, Sarge? We'll see.

Did he have any enemies?

Who? Unger.

Felix? That's who we're talking about.

No one ever threatened him.

Felix?

Oh, no.

Oh, uh, well, uh... Someone did threaten him. Felix?

Well, uh, not really.

Suppose you tell me all about it. Yeah, tell us, man. Who threatened him?

Well, it was, uh, just a couple of days after Felix moved into Oscar's

apartment.

Let's see.

I had just gotten there.

Hi, Vinnie. Come on in. Hi, Felix. Hey, does that stuff work? Very efficient.

Look at this. Hey.

Hi, Oscar. You notice anything?

What happened to the wall? I scrubbed it. What do you mean you scrubbed it?

Well, it was filthy.

It was a mess, especially right over here near the phone. That was not a

Those were my hot numbers. This is no place to put them down.

Well, some people have little black books, but you can lose little black

I never thought I could lose a wall. You know, you scrubbed out Loretta and

Shirley. Keep your hands off there.

Felix, I could kill you!

Felix, I could kill you?

Wait a minute.

Vinnie, you make it sound like I was sore at Felix.

You were.

Yeah, but tell them we made up later.

They made up later. Yeah, tell them what good friends we are in spite of our

fights. We're good friends in spite of their fights. Quit leading the witness,

Madison, and sit down. I'm running this show. We are good friends. Now!

Better sit down, Oscar.

Remember this, Judas.

Oh, yeah, that copper.

Okay.

What about you?

You ever hear anyone threaten Unger?

Come to think of it, one of the guys did threaten Felix.

But Oscar didn't mean it.

Oscar didn't mean it? Sit down, Madison.

But... Now!

Tell your story and don't be intimidated.

Well... I know those two guys like I know a ledger sheet. And they balance

other.

One night, after the game was over... What time is the

event?

Order is finished.

Quit so early. Did you see that piece of paper I had here next to the pickle?

Uh, the score sheet. Yeah, I need it to settle up. I'm the big winner this week.

No, you're not. I am. This is the first time I won six weeks. You're out of your

mind. I wonder if you had the part you're telling me now that I'm not the

winner. Besides,

I threw it away.

You threw it away? Why?

Because it was green with pickle juice. To you, that was pickle juice. To me, it

was money. Well, who needs it? I remember who took what.

I don't trust your memory. Now, where is it?

I threw it down the trash chute.

And that's when Madison wanted to kill Unger, hmm? No, no, it wasn't until

he ran down to the basement and dug through all that garbage and found the

paper. Felix remembered everything exactly right.

Speed was the big winner, Oscar the loser. That's right, Murray.

But it was an honest mistake.

I've heard that one before.

Inspector Flanagan, you're a poker player, aren't you? Wouldn't you be

if somebody threw away the score sheet?

Maybe. But I don't think I'd threaten to murder him. I didn't say that!

Oscar, do what he says.

What about you?

You ever hear Madison threaten to kill Unger? No, I never heard him threaten to

kill Felix. No, all I heard Oscar once was threaten to break Felix's neck,

has been proven by medical authorities not to be fatal in some cases.

Thanks a lot, Speed.

Tell me what you remember about the incident.

Better tell him, Speed.

Yeah, go on, bury me.

Let's see.

It was during one of our regular friendly games, you know.

Just trying to decide what to do.

Hello?

Just a moment, please. Oscar, it's for you.

I'm busy.

It's a girl.

Take my hand, will you? Okay, I think I'll take three.

Cards.

Hmm.

Felix, you can't draw five cards.

I know that.

I'll take one.

Dealer takes two.

Call you right back.

Felix, what did you do?

Well, I thought... You broke up a pair of kings to draw to an inside straight?

I remember that. And he drew another king. I'm gonna kill them!

This is a frame -up.

I'm being framed by myself.

And my ex -best friends.

I don't believe it! All right.

I've heard enough.

So, why, this is the craziest thing you've ever... Hold it right there,

Not another word.

You didn't make any statement or answer any questions without your lawyer

present. Thank you. But they didn't answer their lawyers. They didn't need

Needless to say, Madison, you are my prime suspect in the case.

Would it be unconstitutional to ask what case? All you have so far is a wet

wallet. At this point, who knows?

Missing person.

Kidnapping. Maybe even murder.

Murder? But it wasn't Felix down there. You can't hold me for that.

Well, it can't be too serious.

Didn't ask me not to leave town.

Madison, don't leave town.

Well, you guys did it to me, huh?

When a guy's got friends like you, he also needs a very good lawyer. Look, you

were always saying things like that, weren't you?

I mean, we told the sergeant you didn't mean a word of it, didn't we? Oh, that

made all the difference. Thanks, Roy. You know it. It makes a difference

first -degree and third -degree murder.

I wonder if Truman Capote would write this.

It'd be a bestseller.

It's hard to believe that Felix is really gone.

Felix isn't gone.

I mean, yes, he's gone, but he's not really gone. I don't know what I mean.

Now, come on, everybody.

Let's play a few hands. Listen to that.

How can he think of cards at a time like this? You should be thinking of Felix.

I am thinking of Felix.

This could be a memorial poker game.

Who knew?

It's in Felix's memory.

You shouldn't always have been saying you were going to kill him. No, that was

wrong. It's an expression. I'd have to be crazy to mean a thing like that.

Hey, got a great idea.

What's a great idea?

Temporary insanity.

You better sit down. I don't think I forgot, Judas, what you do.

Hey, the winners could chip in for Oscar's lawyer.

Oscar doesn't need a lawyer.

But Felix isn't dead.

He's missing, that's all.

And I don't want to hear about it anymore.

I don't even want to hear his name mentioned anymore.

Remember that funny sound that Felix used to make when he tried to clear his

ears?

Yeah. I can almost hear it now.

I did hear it.

So did I.

I wonder what causes that.

Mass hypnosis brought on by grief.

It's not mass hypnosis brought on by grief. It's feelings!

Feelings,

we were worried sick. We thought you were dead.

Oh, I am. I really am dead.

Absolutely exhausted.

Felix, where have you been? What have you been doing? What happened to you?

Where haven't I been? What haven't I been doing? What didn't happen to me? I

lost my wallet. I lost my nasal spray.

Didn't you get my note? What note? You didn't leave a note. We looked high and

low. We couldn't find the note. No, not your bed table.

I better call it until we find the body.

Alive and honky.

Tell me I didn't leave you a note.

Felix, you got this out of your bedroom, not mine. It's my file copy.

Your file?

Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

late, but the meeting with Lifestyle ran longer than I expected.

That's okay. At least you called.

Well, if I missed you, I was going to leave a message at the morgue. That's

fair. Look at these pictures.

Yeah. These are the ones you shot for the magazine? Yeah.

Look at the style. Just look at this one.

Yeah. See how I used the snow as a backdrop?

Yeah, that's some backdrop. What are their names for you?

Priscilla and Jeannie.

Can you ever forgive me? For what? For trying to find you.