Original subtitles

Yeah.

Pick up your coat.

Listen,

I'm glad you're home.

Something happened today.

I need a beer. This is important.

I had quite a day. A beer is important right now.

Oh, I needed that.

How are you, Felix? How are you feeling?

Something happened today that I have to tell you about. Felix, wait a minute.

How come I always have to hear about your day? How come you never ask me

my day?

I'm sorry. How was your day?

Don't ask.

You know, you're not the easiest man in the world to talk to. I'm sorry,

Phoenix. What is it?

You're not going to like this.

Well, I never know if you don't get to it, will I? Please don't talk with your

mouth full of... Let her tell you tomorrow when she gets here.

Her? Who's her?

The mother.

Oh, I get it. It's a new word game you're trying out, huh?

No, I'm not playing any games. Then what is it?

Tomorrow morning, you're going to be a father.

A father?

You're surprised, aren't you? Yeah, I'm a little surprised. If I'm supposed to

be the father, who's supposed to be the mother? Mrs. Granger. Nice lady. I don't

even know a Mrs. Granger. Will you stop, Phoenix? Tell me what it's all about.

The Big Brothers of America.

Where men act as father to boys who don't have one. Yeah, well, I know what

Big Brothers of America are. Good. The boy's name is Randy Granger. Nice name.

We only take him one day a week.

His mother works on Saturday.

So, we're signed up to be his big brothers.

We're signed up?

Well, I signed the papers, but you live here, too.

Yeah, but living here doesn't make me a volunteer.

And besides, we have a picnic with the Pigeon Sisters on Saturday. I fixed that

up. I changed the date to Sunday. You what? This is a chance for us to do

something useful with our lives.

I gave at the office.

You think that's the same thing as serving on a one -to -one basis?

Felix, I'm no good with kids on a one -to -one basis. Nonsense. You have

charm. You have warm eyes.

I don't have warm eyes. Don't con me, Felix. I know me with kids.

I stare at them waiting for them to say something. They stare back at me waiting

for me to say something. And from there it goes right downhill.

In other words, you're not interested.

Not in other words. Those are the exact ones. I'm not interested.

Never mind. I'll do it myself.

When the boy gets here, I'll play with him and I'll guide him and I'll lend him

a helping hand in life.

Felix.

Someday they're going to carve your head on Mount Rushmore.

If I don't do it first.

Unger? Mrs.

Granger, yes.

This must be Randy.

Yes, sir. How do you do?

I'm Felix Unger. How do you do, sir? I certainly appreciate your doing this,

Unger. It's my pleasure.

I always wanted to be a big brother.

Fortunately, I was the youngest of my family, so I was always a little

We'll have fun, won't we?

Yes, sir. Well, I have to get to work. You be a good boy now. I will, mother.

Here's your toothbrush.

Be sure and brush after eating. Yes, ma 'am. And keep out of drafts. Not too

many sweets now. Oh, don't worry.

I've planned a balanced diet.

Good. Well, bye, dear. I'll see you at six.

Bye, Mom.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. Oh, don't worry. I've got a lot of

planned. A lot of man -to -man stuff.

Nothing too rowdy. Well, fine.

Thank you again. You bet.

Bye -bye.

Well, here we are.

You don't have to call me, sir. I'm your big brother.

Call me Mr. Unger.

Yes, sir, Mr. Unger.

Let's not be formal. Sit down, sit down.

Take yourself at home.

Don't sit there. Sit over here. I think you'll find it more comfortable.

Comfortable there?

Yes, sir. It's a good sofa.

Don't do that.

Well, what would you like to do?

Anything you say, Mr. Unger.

I was trying to remember.

What I enjoyed doing when I was your age.

How'd you like to run the vacuum cleaner all by yourself?

Any second, ladies.

Martinique, Mauritania, Mexico, Mexico, Monaco. Now, look.

You see the prince?

Yeah. You can hold it.

Now, you see the mark near his eye that looks like a stye?

That makes it very valuable.

Because the prince has a stye?

No, it's not a stye. It's a mistake.

Don't you understand that?

That's what makes it valuable.

I guess so. Sure is a lot of adventure in stamps, isn't there?

Yeah. I've got them all categorized. Natural wonders, flowers, jungle beasts.

Wait. You want to see my Mexican special delivery?

It's a picture of the postmaster general asleep.

You already showed it to me. I did?

Don't play with that. That's not a toy.

Here's my National Park series. You'll love these.

Look, there's Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Yellowstone.

I think one's missing.

Where's Zion Canyon?

Oh, if I've lost Zion Canyon, I'll never forgive myself.

Phoenix, you should have been there. I was beautiful.

Three -all, the bottom of the ninth. I laid down this beautiful butt, and I

scored Ziggy with a winning run. Wow!

In case you're wondering who that is, he lives here, too.

I don't know.

Hey, whatever happened to Zion Canyon?

Oh, he, uh... Oh, he couldn't hit a curve, so they sent him back to the

Hey, come here. Come here.

I want you to meet somebody. This is Randy Granger, Oscar Madison.

Hi.

Sure.

Okay, listen. Anyway, I was sensational, Felix. I may get the most valuable

player award. I know where it is.

You two talk to each other.

How are you?

Fine.

What are you staring at?

Oh, not much.

I got it!

I got it!

What a relief.

It's in this album.

How are you two getting along?

Like I said, remember?

Down here.

Come on, I'll show you this.

Here, hold this.

Look.

See the colors?

Isn't that marvelous?

Isn't that beautiful?

Yes, sir.

It's called The Dance of the Russian Peasants.

It tells a story. You hear the oboe?

That's the little Russian girl, and she's running through the wheat fields

the way to meet her Cossack fiancé. He played by the baton.

And when they meet, you'll hear a trill on the woodwind. Coming into the

stretch, it's Beeline on the rail.

Come on, Baskin!

Do you mind turning that thing off?

Are you kidding? I got tongue bucks on the schnoz of that horse.

Why don't you listen on the set in your bedroom?

The battery's dead. Here comes Jomo on the outside.

Beeline and Jomo.

Beeline. Come on, Baskin!

This is the Cossack. Come on, Cossack!

Do you mind?

We're trying to listen to something worthwhile and clean up that mess.

Listen to the bassoon now.

Do you like to bet on horses?

Yeah, sure.

French horn?

How do you know which one to bet on?

That's a good question, kid.

I use a scratch sheet.

What's that?

Can't you just see the Cossacks for us?

It's kind of a letter that the handicapper's put out.

Can I see one?

Are you really interested?

Yeah.

Okay, sure, come on.

Now that's really living, isn't it, Randy?

place here.

Ready?

Wow. Look at this room.

Isn't this disgusting?

I think it's neat.

Neat? He doesn't mean neat, neat. He means groovy neat.

Do you know Willie Mays? Sure, I know all these guys. I'm a sports writer.

Really? Do you know Tom Seaver? No. What do you think taught him how to throw a

curve?

Can I look at these pictures?

Sure, you can have one if you want. And here's a scratch sheet.

Hey, but not the Raquel Welch, all right?

What are you doing?

Getting things shipped, eh?

Felix, you were in the army four years. Why suddenly ship shape all of a sudden?

It's an expression.

All right, Felix, what is it? What is it, he asks. What is it? He knows

perfectly well what it is.

What?

It's Randy.

Yeah?

Well, isn't it obvious?

Well, if you mean there's a kid named Randy in my room looking through my

scrapbook, that's obvious to me. What's obvious to you?

That he likes you.

Very much. Oh, you're crazy. Come on, I can tell.

He prefers your company to mine.

You really think so?

I know so.

That's why I think you ought to be his big brother.

Oh, no. No, no, no, you're not going to lay him off on me. No, no, no.

All I'm asking you to do is take him out.

Are we not our brother's keeper?

Felix, why do you always quote the Bible at me when you want me to do something

I don't want to do? I'm appealing to your better nature.

You're appealing to my guilty conscience.

I've got to do it. The kid isn't having any fun with me.

Neither am I.

I'll pay for the cab.

I'll pay for the lunch.

Spend a little time with him.

I've even got tickets. Forget it, will you, Felix? I'm not going to... Could

get me an autographed baseball like this?

Sure, you can have that one if you want it.

Gee!

a change.

Then I'm going to grab a cab. Then I'm going to get some lunch. I even have

tickets for the opera.

Oh, look at that smile.

Did you have a good time?

Where's Randy? He's up on the roof.

You let him go on the roof.

Don't panic.

He's a kid. Kids love roofs.

I've got to admit, we got along just great. You're a nice man.

I know. Did he enjoy the opera?

Yeah, listen.

You know, when I was his age, that's when I fell in love with Norma.

What's Norma got to do with the opera?

The name of the opera you saw was Norma.

Oh, was that Norma?

Yeah, well, we really didn't get to see Norma.

They canceled Norma? Oh, no.

We canceled Norma. We got right to the door, but Felix, I couldn't do that to

the kid.

Where did you go? A very nice place we liked. A nice place. A pool hall.

A pool hall?

You took that nice, clean young man to a pool hall?

See me spit? What? We also listen to classical music.

And guess what I had for lunch? Beef jerky, pickled eggs, and candy bars. But

brushed his teeth when he got back, and he washed his hands, didn't we? Yeah,

but Uncle Oscar says germs are good. They help build up resistance.

Don't worry.

Next week will be much better organized.

I'm coming back, aren't I, Mom?

I promised a balanced lunch.

Aren't I, Mom?

Well, I suppose it'll be all right.

We'd better go now, Randy.

So long, Randy.

See you next week.

I wasn't hiding in my room. I was tidying up.

You know what you did.

You turned a nice, clean, decent kid into a pint -sized Oscar Madison.

What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? You want him to grow up to be

slob? Felix, do you mind?

It's very hard to concentrate with your finger in my face.

And I'm also not too thrilled about being called a slob. I didn't call you a

slob. Ah, you said I had slob -like influence on the kid. Ah, hardly a

compliment. Oscar, Randy is at a very impressionable age.

So am I.

For some peculiar reason, you have become his hero.

And you're setting a tragic example.

I'm not setting any example. I just do everything I feel like doing except

you out.

That's perfectly all right with me. Okay. But there's too much at stake for

kid. Suppose he wants to become a surgeon.

Who wants a surgeon with dirty hands? Suppose he wants to become president of

the United States. Who wants to see the president address the Congress in a

dirty sweatshirt? I'm not asking him to do what I do.

He can't help it. What you do, he'll do.

He's putty in your hands. Oh, Felix.

Someday he'll look back and he'll say, I owe it all to Uncle Oscar.

Now, do you want him to look back from a pool hall or from the White House?

By the time he gets to be president, the White House may be a pool hall.

I thought you said you liked the kid. I do.

Then give him a break.

He's a nice kid, huh?

Yes.

He calls me Uncle Oscar.

Nobody's ever called me Uncle Oscar. Not even my nephew.

You really think I'm setting a bad example?

Yes.

I mean, I don't want to do anything to hurt that kid, Felix.

Next time he comes over, I'll cut out, that's all.

You've got to be here. He's coming here to see you.

You're his hero.

Then what am I supposed to do?

It's not very difficult.

All you have to do is change completely.

You'll make your bed.

You won't talk with your mouth full of juice.

You'll clean up your room.

You won't drink beer out of the can.

You won't take your shoes off and walk around in dirty socks.

going to make your bed?

I just did.

Well, it looks as though it has the hives. What are the lumps?

These are my slippers and those are some books and my thermal socks and a box of

crackers. Everything I need in bed.

Is this an example for Ren?

These things belong in your night table.

Where's your night table?

Well, it's under there somewhere.

This is exciting. Now, honestly, isn't that beautiful?

done a beautiful job.

Smells like a hospital.

How's it feel to know that your room is free of germs?

Lonely.

Calm down.

Randy's gonna love the new Uncle Osk.

I greet them at the door.

I say, good morning, Mrs. Granger, Randy, how are you?

Won't you come in?

And I say, it's a beautiful day. And she says, yes.

And then I make a couple of phony remarks about how nice she looks, and

comes back with a couple of dumb cracks, and I say, would you like to sit down,

or would you like a snort? A snort? Of coffee.

That's marvelous.

Marvelous. Very thrilling.

Are my shoes shined enough? Are my fingernails all right? I feel like I'm

in second grade.

Relax.

Sit. What, and wrinkle my trousers?

You know your problem?

Your tents.

Enjoy being neat and clean.

I wish my mother could see me now.

She spent the first 20 years of my life trying to get me to look like this.

She'd be very proud of you.

She wouldn't recognize me.

Felix, I can't go through with it.

What? I mean it. I really can't go through with it. I like that kid. No, he

to me. What kind of an example would I be setting? A very fine example. No, no,

a very phony example.

If I lied to the kid, he'd see right through it.

See, kids aren't dumb today. You have to be truthful with them. If I lied to

them like this, why, Randy, you would never trust me again.

Listen, I'm getting out of here. I will not lie to that kid. What am I going to

say to him?

Tell him I died.

Hello, Mr. Stranger. Well, hello, Randy.

Where's Uncle Oscar?

Randy, you didn't say hello to Mr. Unger.

Hello, Mr. Unger.

I'm not too sure he can be with us today.

But don't worry, we'll have a lot of fun.

I got some new record albums.

Oh, boy.

Won't you sit down, Mrs. Granger? Well, just for a minute.

I'm sorry to miss Mr. Madison. I wanted to talk to him. Yeah.

Well, we weren't too well organized last week.

All I can do is apologize.

Mr. Madison has certain primeval characteristics.

But I promise you, no more pool halls and no more unbalanced meals.

That didn't worry me.

It didn't? Well, a little at first when Randy mentioned spitting.

But after all, that's why I entered him in this program.

To spit?

No, no, no. You know what I mean.

A boy who lives alone with his mother needs a man's influence.

And after a day with Uncle Oscar, Randy was all boy.

Of course, there were a few things which had to be adjusted, like calling his

grandmother a sweet old broad.

But I can handle that.

She straightened me out.

Well, I'm sorry to have missed him, but I'm sure you two will have fun.

Yeah.

Well, go to an art gallery.

Maybe the zoo.

I'll be all right if I take my allergy pills.

Come on, Randy, we're getting out of here.

Uncle Oscar! Hurry up, you want to be bad boy for the team, don't you?

How do you do?

Excuse me.

What gives here?

Well, I was sitting there and it suddenly occurred to me, what makes you

right? Felix, there are a lot of really important things going on in the world.

Terrible things like riots and taxes and polluted air. So who's going to care if

a kid washes his hands or not?

We're going to play ball.

If that's all right with you, ma 'am. Fine.

And may I say, it's a beautiful day and you look very nice.

So that's Uncle Oscar.

Would you care for a snort?

I know I would.

Look at my records.

I'll have to put them away. They'll be getting dusty.

Oh, here, let me help. That's all right. Pick them up by the edges, please.

Mr. Unger? Yeah?

I'll be finished playing ball in a couple hours, and I thought maybe I

come back and listen to your records, if you don't mind.

No, that'll be great.

I didn't really think you were interested.

Oh, I am.

I'd love to see those stamps again, too.

You would?

Gee, I've got a whole lot I didn't even show you. You'll be crazy about them.

Yeah, they're marvelous.

I hope this proves to your Uncle Oscar that the finer things in life do have

some merit.

Bye, Mom.

Bye, son.

Bye, Mr. Unger.

Uncle Felix.

Uncle Felix.

Felix, Randy and I both enjoyed looking at your stamp collection.

And I never knew the Prince of Monaco had a stye. I know you'd prefer playing

baseball, but you see, there are other things in life.

Absolutely. You know, it's nice to have my room clean for a change instead of

sloppy. And I have to admit, there are times when dirty is better than clean.

Wow, Felix, it took a lot of guts to say that. I know it.

No, it's not a matter of guts.

It's just a matter of facing up to the truth.

A well -rounded human being, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a

little bit of everything.

Yeah. Don't you agree?

Sure.

Am I right?

I just thought you were right.

Well, it took a lot of guts for you to admit I'm right.

And now, you shall have your reward.

I just left. How could you get it like this in 30 seconds?

I don't know.

You know, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, a little bit of anything.