Original subtitles

No, Unger. These are the same old model's faces. I've seen these faces.

I've seen these guys in a million ads. They're very professional. I've used

in a million ads. That's why you've seen them. You see this, Unger?

Vividly. The ad you're shooting for Mandar Cologne really has to be

special. Something today.

Something happening.

Happening? You know what the word Mandar means?

It's a Spanish word, isn't it? It means to control.

Right on. It's a symbol of masculinity.

And if Mandar Cologne catches on, the company will come out with a whole line

masculine products.

We'll have soap and face bronzer and skin conditioner. We'll even have a

men's hairspray. That sounds masculine.

I know.

But the company wants a new face.

Now, I'm a happening guy, and they want a happening ad campaign. Something now.

Something today.

Something that's really right there and heavy. Do you understand?

Well, to tell you the truth, I was just getting used to running up the flagpole

on whatever it is the guy before you used to... Well, forget those guys.

all clichés. You're not a cliché. Right on.

I got this job as account executive because I'm a now thinker.

Haven't you got any other faces?

Something today?

I use three of these models today.

What are these? No, no, no. This is not professional models. This is my portrait

work. Families, children, pets.

That's yesterday.

Anything today in here?

No, no, I... I have a lot of allergies.

Being sick isn't today, is it?

Wait a minute.

What? Heavy.

What?

Heavy. What's heavy?

That's a great face.

It's Oscar Madison, my roommate.

Why didn't you show me this right away? I haven't even shown them to Oscar.

Those are proofs.

That's a now face.

Thank you

This is a now face?

I've known Oscar 15 years and his face wasn't even now then.

It's all happening.

My whole head is happening.

All right. The slant of the campaign is that any man can get girls if he uses

Mandar. And this is the face of any man.

It's perfect.

It's... It's today.

It's more than today.

It's tomorrow.

But Oscar isn't a professional model. He's a sports writer. That's why I made

those portraits to go on his column.

I love it that he's not a model. Yeah? People want to look at people who look

like themselves, plain, ordinary.

That's it, Unger. That's what's happening.

I want to use this man in the act. No, no, no. Oscar's my best friend, but when

it comes to working together... Unger, our agency is your biggest account.

Don't threaten me.

Who's threatened?

I'm just telling you I know what's today, and I'd hate for you to lose this

assignment. and all the others that we ever do.

Hi, Oscar, old buddy.

Where'd you get all the dust cloths?

Happens to be my laundry.

Here are the proofs of your pictures.

Oh, I hope they came out well after all the trouble we went through. Oh, looking

back, it wasn't so bad.

You said I was the worst subject you ever heard.

Artists say a lot of things they don't mean.

Didn't they come out nice? Look at that. Nice. Ooh, look at that. I look like a

beagle. No. No, I'm going to have a drawing under the byline. Don't be

You know, when I looked at these, I realized something. What?

You've got a marvelous face. Oh, come on. You have a groovy in look.

You're what's happening.

You been watching Mod Squad again? No, I'm just kidding.

No, I realized you could have a career as a model.

Felix, don't ever go into spy work, because you're one rotten liar.

I don't think you have the world's most fantastic face, but Rudy Mandel does.

Why are you showing my face to Rudy Mandel? And who is Rudy Mandel? He's the

agency guy on this campaign I'm doing. He wants to use your face in his ads.

He wants to use my... You're kidding.

No. He wants an average -looking guy for a cologne ad. That's today.

That's crazy.

I think you'd have an awful lot of fun doing it, Oscar.

The job means a lot to me.

Felix, our friendship means a lot to me.

We barely get a long living together. How are we going to work together? We

wouldn't fight, I promise.

Felix, the answer is no.

That's a pay.

$30 an hour for the job?

$30 an hour pay?

What good is it? My ex -wife would get three -fourths of it anyway. No, Felix,

the answer is no. I can't take a job like that. It's ridiculous. I'm a sports

writer. You'll be surrounded by three beautiful girls all day long. Felix, you

didn't tell me what time you want me at the studio tomorrow morning.

Yes, Rudy.

Yes, I'll send over the film as soon as I shoot it, and I'll shoot it as soon as

it gets here.

I can't.

Yes, Rudy, I want to be today, but even today you can't shoot without a model.

Ah, here's Mr.

One -Hour -Late -Never -Looks -At -His -Watch. Goodbye, Rudy.

Hi, Felix.

One -Hour -Late is not Hi, Felix.

I'm sorry, Felix. I apologize, Felix. I beg your forgiveness, Felix, but not Hi,

Felix. Tight up. Where are the girls?

The models are in the back waiting for you. One is reading, one is sewing, one

is taking a nap. And for this, I'm paying them $30 an hour.

Felix, you wanted a common face like mine, right? Well, a common face like

comes attached to a man who had to take a day off from work. A day off began an

hour ago.

Felix, the editor gave me a hard time as it is. I didn't rush into this. You

asked me to do it. When you ask a favor of a person, you don't yell at that

person.

I'm sorry you're late.

Good. Let's get down to the girl. Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing? Look

out. Oh, you told me to wear a jacket and a tie. What did you do, mug somebody

to get this?

What are you talking about? It's a little wrinkled, but that's the common

I'm supposed to be the average man. Well, those are not average clothes. Go

the dressing room and put on the clothes I've got there for you.

Can I wear the tie?

If you wear it under your shirt. Come on, girls, let's get to work. Mr.

Man is here. Come on, come on.

Felix, aren't you going to introduce me to my co -workers?

This is Tracy Keenan in the Dutch outfit.

Hi. I'm Don Quixote.

Hi, Don.

This is Loretta Steele in the Eskimo thing.

Hello, Nanook. You want to rub noses?

Just try it if you want a broken nose.

I don't fool around.

Loretta doesn't fool around.

This is Gabriella.

Gabriella what?

Just Gabriella. A girl as pretty as you can afford a last name.

Cute, a line for every country. Now, if the cocktail party's over, can we please

get to work here?

Oscar, you don't change under here. You change in the dressing room. Let me make

one thing very clear. At home, I'm a lot of fun. I'm a barrel of laughs. But

this is a place of business. We don't waste time messing around.

Now let's go into this new experience with a new attitude and change your

clothes.

At home, he's a barrel of laughs.

My finances start to act up.

I can't see to focus if my eyes are tearing.

Oscar! Tommy!

Oh, come on, come on.

Where do I sit?

There is one stool on the set. Take your pick.

Hi, girls. How are you?

Hi, Gretel. Come a little closer.

Oscar.

What?

Why are you wearing a mustache?

Oh, mustache. Oh, well, that's Mandar, see? And that's Spanish. You know,

it's... Felix, truth is, I'm not sure I want anybody to recognize

me. See, the guys out at the newspaper, they're going to rib me being a model

and everything, so I thought I'd use a disguise. Why don't you wear glasses

a funny nose attached?

I got them right here.

Well, I didn't know whether it was a comedy out or what, but I'll go with

I'm gay, see? I'll black out my teeth like Joey.

That was a rough couple of miles. Hey, modeling must be very tough on a nice

little girl like you. Oh, I'm not really a model. I'm an actor.

I just do modeling on the side.

Well, you could be on my side any time.

Oh, Don.

No, it's Oscar, Oscar.

You said Don.

Yeah, well, you know, Don Quixote and the windmill and what's the difference?

Listen, wooden shoes, why don't we go next door for a little drinky -doo? Just

you and me, we'll kick up our wooden heels together.

Oh, wow, what a line. Must have picked up a lot of girls on B .J. Day.

Why don't you go hug a polar bear?

I don't think Mr. Unger would let us go anyways. He doesn't like us to leave the

studio on break.

Are you kidding? I happen to be very in with Mr. Unger. You just sit there.

Hey, dummy, don't go in there. He's developing.

Oh, go rub noses with a walrus, will you?

Peek -a -boo.

Is that film?

Not anymore.

Now it's garbage.

Just ruined two hours' work.

I'm sorry, Felix. I really am. I wasn't thinking.

What can I do to make you feel better?

Why don't you put on the glasses and the funny mustache?

Close the door.

What are you going to do? Close the door. You know how to do that?

Same as opening the door, only you do it backwards.

Look, Felix, I'm sorry about what happened. I got some pepperoni sticks.

want some?

Go away. I told you, you're fired.

Oh, I don't care about that. I just want to apologize. Okay, Felix? I told you.

Leave me alone.

I'm sorry I ruined your film, but you knew I was an inexperienced model.

An experienced idiot would know not to open a darkroom door.

When did you put a bolt on your door?

Soon as I got home, and tomorrow I'm putting one on my darkroom.

Felix, how long do I have to keep saying I'm sorry?

You can quit any time now.

away from this thing. I want you to know that you've given me a day that will

live in infamy. I'll never forget it.

Okay, so don't pay me. I was expecting that.

There's your check. A day's pay for a day's disaster.

Now you're officially fired, and you'll notice there are no deductions on that

check, though not one iota of film was usable.

Well, here's what I think of your check.

That was a 12 -cent scenic check, but that's all right.

I'll write you out another one.

I'll tear that up, too. And now I'm going to tell you what you are. What?

You are a tasteless clown.

Oh, yeah.

You did what?

I fired Oscar.

He ruined a whole morning's shooting. I wouldn't work with him again if he was

the Mona Lisa.

Hunger, do you realize what you've done?

I took those first few shots you sent me right to old man Whitehill's office.

Whitehill is the president of Farco Enterprises. Farco Enterprises owns

men's products. Get it?

No.

Whitehill flipped over Oscar Madison's face. He thinks it's the best image his

company's ever had. Now do you get it?

Whitehill thinks Oscar's good looking?

Did you ever see Whitehill?

He's no Robert Redford either.

I knew he'd respond to this face. That's why I'm where I'm at. That's why I'm

happening. And that's why you've got to get Madison back down here. It's

impossible. We're not even talking to each other. You don't have to talk to

Just take his picture.

Who was one of the world's great photographers? Matthew Brady.

He took great pictures of General Grant. You think he was in love with a man? A

drunk who kept falling off his horse? I'm sorry. I won't work with Oscar.

Unger, I hope you realize what I'm about to say.

You see this bottle of Mandar? Right now, this is my only interest.

I want to make every American male believe this will make him strong and

powerful. And I will do anything to get that point across.

And Unger, anything means keeping Oscar Madison, firing you, and making sure you

never do another ad for our agency.

I think you're threatening me again.

I don't like being threatened by a teenager.

Threatening? Unger, baby, I love your work. You're an artist.

But you're letting personal hang -ups get in the way of your art. Now, if you

won't do it for me, at least do it for Mandar.

I'm not even sure I can get Oscar to come back to work for me.

I'll go talk to Madison. I'm a happening guy. He'll listen to me. I'll talk to

him. I'll save you for my ace in the hole.

to you on the basis of our long -standing friendship.

Listen.

Listen to what I have to say.

I want you to come back to work for me.

I can't believe what I just heard. Maybe he got garbled going through the

filters.

You have the nerve to ask me to come down to that studio and go back to work

after you yelled at me, you screamed at me, you insulted me in front of three

foreign girls.

They're local, local talent.

Whatever!

fired me, now you want me to come back.

Well, I know it sounds crazy.

Not crazy, Felix.

Ludicrous! Oscar, anything can be worked out. Look how we're talking to each

other again. A moment ago, we weren't doing that.

Anything can be worked out if we keep the channels of communication open. Oh,

look at me, Felix.

I'm going into my room, and I'm going to close the door!

He fell in love with your face.

So did my ex -wife. We know where that got me. I'm serious, Oscar. Mr.

feels that your image is the best his company's ever had. He's a very big man.

And Rudy picked your face.

You have a face that really gets the message across.

Oh, come on, will you, Felix? I got a plain face.

Beautiful soul, but a plain face.

Lincoln had a plain face. He made a strong impression on the company. Oh,

you stop? You're like Lincoln.

Don't con me with Lincoln already.

Would I like...

Mustaine, you've got that kind of faith.

Four score and seven years.

Oscar. Yes.

Oh, Peter, I don't know what you got me doing. Oscar,

the plain look is in today. Look at Humphrey Bogart. He's the hero to

kids. That's what you are, Oscar. You're a Humphrey Bogart. Will you stop

conning me with Humphrey Bogart?

Oscar, this is the last time I'm asking you. Good, because it's the last time

I'm answering you.

Never. That guy's crazy. Humphrey Bogart, Abraham Lincoln.

Play

it

again, Sam.

Hey, maybe my face does communicate.

Felix.

If you want me at the studio tomorrow morning, just whistle.

Four score and seven... Oh, what am I...

Uh -oh. Here

comes King Clut.

Girls, be nice to Oscar. He's very important to this ad.

What makes him so important?

I'll give you each $10 a session extra if you're nice to him.

Okay,

girls, take a break. I want to fill Oscar in.

Hey,

it's funny how the girls are starting to like me. Go change your clothes.

Yeah, it must be my face. It communicates. It kind of grows on you. I

you had it. Well, it's a kind of a gift, you know, Peter.

Where is he?

Felix, I think we should get double pay for working with that idiot. Right,

double.

All right, double, double.

Oscar, nearly ready?

I want to get some work done before old man Whitehill arrives.

You got something on your cheek? What?

You got a spot on your cheek. It's not a spot. It's a beauty mark.

It's a fake.

See, I thought it would be a good idea.

You did?

Yeah, I read somewhere that models use them to highlight certain parts of their

face. See, I thought it would help you to catch my eye.

You want me to take the dot off my face? I want you to take the dot out of my

studio. The best models aren't doing that anymore.

They aren't? No. Besides, what do you need it for?

Your face is a natural.

Did Lincoln need a dot?

You're right, Felix.

I don't need it.

Oh, Dan,

you look so cute.

We're working here.

There's a shadow crossing my face. The shadow is from your hands. Look, you do

your job. I'll do my job. Listen, you don't want a shadow coming between my

and the old public, do you? I can fix it in a second. Here, you come over here.

No, don't.

He burned me.

I'm sorry.

Take it easy, kids. Go into the dressing room. You'll find some ointment. You'll

see what you've done.

I just wanted to show off my face. Your face. All you think about is your face.

You think your face is more important than that poor girl's Oscar? You're

like a spoiled child.

Attention, everybody.

Mr. Whitehill is here. I know I'm here, you hippie freak. They can see me.

Whitehill?

This is Felix Unger. He's the photographer.

If you're a photographer, why aren't you taking pictures? That's what I'm paying

you for, isn't it? We're on a bit of a break right now.

Oh, you're Madison, huh? Yes, sir.

I like your face, Madison.

Thank you. I'm going to try to live up to... Don't get too choked up. I just

another face I like. Hello, dear. I'm rich.

Is there any particular expression you... I said I like your face. Your

I'm not that excited about. Well, maybe you'd like me to explain... I'd like

somebody to explain. All I get from this weirdo is it's happening. It's today.

Oscar, I've been trying to get this close -up for an hour now.

ready to take the picture, you turn your face away from the camera. Why do you

do that, Oscar? I can't seem to get into it, Phoenix. Get into what, Oscar?

Phoenix, I'm supposed to be a matador who's getting ready for the kill. I have

to sense the elation, relate to the moment. Why don't you relate to the fact

that my sinuses are killing me and face the camera?

I can't do that, Phoenix. If I don't feel the elation, I won't radiate on

Are there ducks in here?

I hear ducks.

It's his sinuses.

I'm scratching. You hear me honking? Yeah, what's wrong?

What's wrong? The black dot on the face, the phony mustache, the ruining the

film, the burning the girl's backside, the hour -late high feelings. Oh, I'm

quitting.

You can't do that. It's finally happening. Don't ever say it's happening

studio again.

And as for you, you're a dirty old man and Mandar cologne smells like a World

War II undershirt. Now, all of you, clear out of here and leave me alone

hives.

Uncle, you're a real man.

Not many men talk up to me. I didn't think you had it in you. I didn't think

did either.

I like a man with spirit.

That mean I can run things my own way around here?

No, I like a man with spirit, but not on the payroll.

That's why I hire a jellyfish like Rudy.

Thank you, sir.

Wait a minute.

You can't fire my buddy.

Madison, I can fire anybody I want to, including you.

As a matter of fact, I've decided that your common face is a little bit too

common.

Goodbye. Oh, wait a minute, sir, will you? You see, everything you saw here

today was my fault. I got a swelled head, but with the modeling and

I drove Felix crazy.

Look, you can fire me, that's okay, but don't fire Felix. This job is very

important to him.

Why, Jingo, I like that too. A man who sticks up for his friend.

That we can keep our jobs?

No, I like a man who sticks up for his friend, but I can't keep prima donnas on

the payroll either.

Come on, girls.

I've got a bar in my limousine.

Oh, I've never been in a limousine except at a funeral.

Leave the costumes.

I'll buy them.

Felix. Oscar.

Don't say anything.

You won't accept my apology?

I accept it.

As long as I don't have to listen to it.

Guess what?

I made place cards so all the guys will know where they sit at the game tonight.

Curly.

I think it's a very nice idea.

Felix, this is not the Daughters of the American Revolution getting together to

have tea.

This is six animals hunched around a table trying to grab money from each

Somebody's early.

Probably speeding.

Hey, Felix Jünger? Yeah.

Oh. Oh, thanks.

You gave me a pill.

I'm sorry.

What is it? A mentor.

Must be the ad campaign.

Hey, you mean they're going to use the stuff you shot?

They used my layout, all right. What about that, Felix?

They couldn't pass up a good thing, no matter how they felt personally. They

couldn't pass up using a million -dollar face like mine, huh?