Original subtitles

I'm warning you, Oscar.

You can't go on this way.

Working till all hours.

Rushing from here to there.

Gulping down your meal.

It's not healthy.

Mark my word.

They'll catch up with you.

How's your stomach?

It hurts, doesn't it?

No, it's okay. But what's with the cafeteria in the middle of a poker game?

a buffet.

This is a poker game, and so far you're the only winner. Now, come on, sit down.

Let's play. Come on, Oscar. Wait, I put in for you. I'm worried, but keep your

hands off of my chips.

He doesn't trust me.

Stan, I held worse than this with my wife. Felix,

we're five grown men. Now, why don't you just say let's eat instead of playing

Tinkerbell? Hey, that looks great. I'm out. I'm out. Where did you get that?

It was a wedding gift.

I used to call Gloria to dinner with it.

I think I will have a bite to eat.

If you can get over there on two broken legs.

I'm out, okay?

It's one of nature's laws. Speed gets hot, everybody gets out.

I see.

Hey,

you all right? Yeah.

Your face looks as if it's in a bite.

I'm okay. Now, what do you got?

Ace is up.

Okay. I think I'm going to lay down.

Gee, he looks sick.

He's faking. He always does that when he's winning.

No, he's not faking.

He folded with a full house.

I just turned it on. And I just turned it off. Get back in bed. You're supposed

to be thick.

I feel better now. You can't feel better. I called the doctor.

You know how they are about house calls.

I had to tell him it was an emergency.

Call him back.

Tell him you weren't lying. I feel fine.

Tim, please. At least act sick. I'll never get another doctor to trust me.

it, sir.

Doctors mean a great deal to you, don't they?

Yes. Now, will you get in bed?

Uh -huh. You see, it does hurt. Oh, I'm all right.

But just so you won't look bad, I'll give you a pain.

I'm Dr.

Melnitz. How do you do, doctor? I'm Felix Unger. I appreciate your coming.

Must be the patient.

I certainly hope so.

This way, doctor.

Now, hold it, hold it. Slow down a second.

I'm not a well man.

I've got a nervous condition.

My doctor says I've got to take it easy.

Your doctor?

What, doctors can't have doctors?

Let's just take it easy.

Let's see the patient.

Well, I've been in sick rooms before, but this is a sick room.

Are you sure that this room is part of that clean apartment outside?

Well, I've been too sick to clean up, Doc.

Where is it, honey?

Right here.

You sure it wasn't on the left? No, no, it's right here.

Was it a throbbing kind of pain?

No, it's a short stabbing kind of pain.

You get these pains before you eat or after?

Before. Sometimes after, too. A couple hours after eating.

Will you tell me when it hurts?

Does this hurt?

No.

Would you please wait outside?

What?

This is something I'm not supposed to know. I can take it.

I want you to leave the room. Can you take that?

I'm the patient.

If it's anything fatal, it's me you'll keep it from, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

I'll be right outside if you need anything.

Well, Doctor?

You know, the air is completely different out here.

How is he, Doctor?

I can't say for sure until he comes in for further tests.

I told your friend that he may have the beginnings of an ulcer. No.

No?

You may be right.

At this point, your guess is as good as mine.

Oh, and one other thing.

I won't make another house call unless he cleans his room.

Just a minute.

I'm going to commit suicide.

No, but you will be if you ever do that to me again. I just phoned Dr. Melnitz.

Your test definitely showed the beginnings of an ulcer. Good.

Just thrilled to know what you're dying of.

That's my lunch. No, this is your lunch.

Milk to coat the lining.

Cream corn.

strained spinach, and applesauce.

Felix, that's baby food.

I know what it is. I bought it. Well, then you also ought to know that I'm not

going to eat it.

You have the beginnings of an ulcer.

That's your body's way of saying to you, be good to me, Oscar.

Treat me gently or I'll make you pay for it. My body's beginning to sound an

awful lot like my ex -wife.

Oh, try it. You're out of your mind.

It's delicious. Try it.

I'll try it if you promise to leave me alone after. Open the doors.

Open the doors?

Hey!

Are you Oscar Madison?

That's right. Who are you? I'm McCluskey, Louis Sanchez's trainer. Did

write, Sanchez moves with all the grace of a three -legged elephant?

That's a great line, isn't it? Listen, you wouldn't know a three -legged

elephant if it stepped on you. Mr., can you hold this down a bit? Mr. Madison's

having his lunch.

Who's he, your nanny?

What would you say out of this? Listen, you got a complaint?

Get yourself a crayon and write a letter to the editor.

It's guys like you that give the fight game a bad name.

Want to have the fight game? Get your boy into another racket.

Maybe he'll become a sports writer.

Oh, very funny. Out, bum. Out, out, bum.

Stubborn, pig -headed man.

No, he's a creep.

You. The whole office is filled with such disorganization and tension.

That's the reason you've got pain.

No, Felix.

You're the reason I have pain.

The whole point in these cases is to avoid excitement.

I think we should cancel our date with the girls tonight. They're very

Felix, the kind of excitement the girls give me, I can live with. The kind of

excitement you give me, I'm not very sure.

Goodbye, Felix.

Goodbye!

I sense you're in no mood to discuss this intelligently.

Drink your milk. It's good for you.

Here we go.

You have neighbors.

We can only have a short one.

We're working girls, you know. Anything you say, but I thought it would be

better to have a drink up here than in that crummy bar.

I like bars.

They're so plastic.

Come on in, come on in, come on in.

This room has definite possibilities.

Sit down, sit down. What do you have?

A double scotch on the rocks.

A vodka martini. And no olive.

Unless it's dietetic.

I've been watching my figure.

So have I.

Now, Felix, that's a double scotch on the rocks and a vodka martini with a

dietetic olive. Will you get the drinks for the girls while I get to know them

better?

Will you get the drinks for the girls, Felix?

Well, what do you think of the place?

I'd say this room does have possibilities.

Wouldn't you, Marilyn?

Well, it has a lot more possibilities since you girls got here.

Hey, I read the most interesting book in the world last week, Lust in the

Suburbs. You read that book?

Every filthy word.

It's with a dietetic olive.

What's this?

Looks like milk.

You're having milk, Oscar.

I feel like a lush drinking liquor.

While you're drinking milk.

Well, as to a great evening.

Oh, are those lady fingers?

Mm -hmm.

I don't suppose you'd want one with a martini, though, would you?

No, thanks.

They go great with milk.

Remember the part in Lust in the Suburbs where the pilot turns the plane on

automatic pilot? I made them.

Yeah, it's good.

Lady fingers.

He walks in the passenger section just with his raincoat. You made them?

I didn't think anybody made ladyfingers.

Oh, there are a few of us left.

What time is it?

What time is it?

It's early. That's what time it is.

Felix, I want some more milk.

Would you come in the kitchen and show me how?

Sure must like milk.

I guess you could get hooked on anything nowadays.

What are you trying to do to me? What, what, what?

I don't want any milk.

I'm out there. I'm pitching my heart out. I got them talking about lust in

suburbs. You know what that means. You blow it all with your lady fingers.

Look, look, look. All right? Look, look, look. You're doing it to me. Look, I

don't want any milk. I want affection.

The minute I know whether it's going to be yes or no with Marilyn, my stomach

will be okay. So stay out of the way with your recipes.

Oh, I decided against it. Two glasses, I'd turn into an animal. I dig lies.

They're so plastic.

Yeah. Where were we in our discussion about lust in the suburbs?

You certainly have a one -track mind.

No, I'm talking about literature.

But I'm thinking about your neck.

Mr. Madison, I hardly know you.

Yeah, but what do you say we get better acquainted?

What is it, Felix?

Oscar, this is wrong. It's wrong.

Look at you.

You're holding your stomach with one hand. You're reaching for her with the

other.

It's partially your fault, too, you know.

Mine? Yes, Oscar is sick. And the suspense is killing him. Felix. No,

going to settle this once and for all. You're the one who mentioned

Felix. You can save Oscar a lot of pain if you'll tell him now.

Tell him what now?

Yes or no. We better get out of here.

Oh, wow.

You guys are really smooth.

Why don't you put a sign on the door? Yes or no, check one.

A girl likes a little sweet talk first, you know.

I mean, it's plastic, but we love it.

Felix, if I could take my hands off my stomach, I'd strangle you.

I was only trying to help.

Yeah, thank you.

Felix the philanthropist. Oscar, what am I supposed to do? Watch my best friend

destroy himself?

Put yourself in my hands for one week. No way!

One week, and I guarantee you you'll be able to chase all the girls you want.

Felix, you drive a hard bargain.

One week, Oscar.

One peaceful and serene week.

An afternoon with Brahms. You'll love the concert.

Gliding on the lake with no distractions.

Sorry, Oscar. You know our bargain.

No distractions.

Now, isn't this relaxing?

A leisurely stroll before dinner, then a nice nap. You can forget all your

troubles and sleep, sleep.

What are you doing now?

Just trying to raise your feet higher than your head so that you won't have

strain on your heart.

This whole week has been a strain on my heart.

You say nothing about my morale and my libido.

But you haven't had an attack all week. Now admit it.

I admit it. I admit it.

What time are the guys coming for poker?

We're not going to play poker tonight.

What, is it Christmas Eve? No, I just don't want you to get excited.

You promised me a whole week, didn't you? I've got one more day to go. Felix.

You see?

Even the thought of poker is more than your stomach can tolerate.

You mean the guys aren't coming?

They're coming. Coming, but we won't play poker. We'll have fun.

Don't you think it'll be fun to have company?

Company? That bunch could be called a lot of things, Felix, but company's not

one of them.

They're here.

We all rode here in Murray's squad car. Yeah, I was off duty. I thought you'd

give the guys a throat.

Good evening, Tom.

Hiya, fellas.

Hi, Oscar. Hi, Oscar.

Hi, Oscar.

You, uh... Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. Hey, what's with the music? He didn't

did he? No, no.

Oscar's ulcer is just great, isn't it? You mean to tell me I left a perfectly

unhappy home to come to this? As your accountant, I'm happy you got an ulcer.

Doctor bills are deductible.

You know, I always thought that only sensitive people got ulcers.

That's a lot. Will you shut up the music, please? Okay, let's get started.

are the cards?

Yeah, you can't expect me to shuffle my fingers. No poker tonight, fellas.

Are you kidding? What?

Your friend Oscar happens to be very sick.

Now, we can play poker and we can get Oscar all excited, or we can sit around

and talk and help him on the road to recovery.

Oh, Felix, please. Uh -uh.

Now, what's it going to be, fellas?

Poker or Oscar's good health?

Oscar's health. Oscar's good health. Right.

Speed? I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

All right, we won't play poker, but just for tonight.

I promise not to get overexcited. No poker.

What's the matter with sitting and talking for a change?

You mean talk like in one of those talk shows, right?

Hey, get the cards. We'll draw for Em's sake. Come on, everybody.

Let's form a nice conversational group around Oscar. You'll see. It'll be fun.

Murray, come on in. You sit right down here on Oscar's right. That's good.

Excuse me. Speed sits there.

Vinnie, on Oscar's left. That's nice. No, Vinnie. No, Roy, you sit there.

Good,

good. Vinnie, get a chair.

Good. Now, isn't this fun?

Speed, you start.

Well, what do I talk about?

Anything you like.

Oh, yeah.

When I was about ten years old, I was in this game with some of the older

fellas, and I was drawn to a full house, but I didn't have no money. Speed.

Change the subject.

I don't expect to talk about anything.

Think of it poker.

Well, then I got nothing to talk about.

You don't have to raise your hand, Murray. If you want to talk, talk.

Well, I thought this would be kind of interesting.

I was writing up a guy for jaywalking the other day when all of a sudden this

girl comes driving by in a car.

And I swear she didn't have any clothes on.

No, no clothes. I'm sorry, Murray. No girls. Those are the two subjects. No

girls, no poker. Just a little too exciting for Oscar's stomach.

Then what else is there to talk about?

Would anyone be interested in how I got rid of our crabgrass?

Get the cards, Felix.

Roy, how about you?

I'm sure we'd all be interested in what happened at work, wouldn't we, fellas?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Well, uh... Oh, we finally got our new LMX tabulator.

It's green and blue.

The old model was just a dull steel gray.

The new model's a pretty little baby, and it goes like the devil.

The tabulator key stuck at first, but the company sent out a man to fix it

within an hour. It was just a little adjustment. Oh, and now it goes like the

devil.

Yeah, you know, we got a brand -new LMX electric typewriter at the station.

Wow, you ought to see Sergeant Romero on it. I'll tell you, he can get out those

reports in half the time it took him out of the old typewriter. Right.

Have you seen them?

I mean, all the letters are in a little metal ball, you see. And it stays in one

position. But it spins around to give you the letter you want. And it goes

the devil. You know, da -da -da -da -da. Right, right.

Where are the cards? Where are the cards?

Then I'm getting out of here.

Oscar! I can't take this craziness anymore.

Tabulators and quadrants.

I want my freedom!

Oscar!

We're going to have icebox cookies and milk later.

Did you have her?

Oh, honey, come here. I want you to see this hint. Come here.

Here's the situation.

Jones, who has been nursing a three -nothing lead... Hello, Oscar.

How'd you know where I was?

You said you wanted your freedom.

Freedom to you means either a hot tamale or a night baseball game.

The Mets are out of town.

That's poison.

Do you want to kill him?

No comprende inglese.

Mas tamales, mas tacos.

Mucho mas tacos.

I suppose you realize the reason Mexico has never become a world power is

because of their food.

Look.

Open the door.

All right, Oscar, go ahead.

If you want to burn a hole through the lining of your stomach, go ahead.

Those beans will form a cement block in the bottom of your stomach.

Well, sure, now the game's getting exciting, isn't it?

Start a little acid flowing over those rocks.

You'd love that, wouldn't you? Acid on the rocks.

Oscar, your body is a time bomb.

Pretty soon, boom!

Felix, my body was never a time bomb until you moved in. You, Felix, are the

reason for the pain in my stomach.

Oh, I'm the reason for the pain in your stomach.

And don't start pouting.

Can't you take a little criticism without pouting? I'm not pouting. Oh,

are pouting. You know how I know you're pouting?

You're not nagging. When you're not nagging, you're pouting.

Well, it's out in the open now, isn't it?

I guess so.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Oh, yes, I'm saying what you think I'm saying. What do you think I think you're

saying? Oh, you know what I think you think I'm saying.

Well, you've made it perfectly clear.

Tomorrow, I'll pack my bags and I'll leave.

Another meal like that last one, you'll turn your body into a time bomb.

Pretty soon, you'll... Oh, boom!

Not that I care anymore, Doctor, but how is he?

If he doesn't explode, he'll live.

Well, I'm all packed.

Goodbye. Bye.

You're leaving?

I don't stay where I'm not appreciated.

Do you want me to appreciate you?

All right, I appreciate that you gave me an ulcer, okay?

You pick up a loaded tamale, you point it at your stomach, and you accuse me of

pulling the trigger.

You drove me to that tamale, you and your nagging!

I did it.

I'm leaving.

Personally, I think it would be a mistake for you to leave.

Obviously, he is what they call, in medical terms, a yeller.

A yeller has got to have someone to yell at.

You think I should stay? I do, if you behave yourself.

Don't be over -careful with him. That's up to Oscar.

Why is it always up to Oscar?

Look, Felix, look.

I know you're only trying to help, and... Well, I do appreciate it.

Well, I... I certainly appreciate that you appreciate it. Oh, I'd appreciate it

a little more if you didn't nag me so much, but...

Well, I do want you to stay. I want to stay.

Good.

Then you'll both try.

And I'll tell you what I'd really appreciate.

Anything, Doctor. You've been such a help. I want you to both promise me that

this trouble ever occurs again, that you won't waste a minute, that you'll pick

up the phone and call another doctor.

Congratulations. What for?

Two weeks without pain.

Hey, that's right. We're going to celebrate.

You know what we're going to have? What?

A little light cream soup to go with the summer.

And then filet of the soldier and eat. Oh, fuck.

I've got a pain. No. What? What? Something I said? No. What is it? Dr.

Melitz's bill.