Original subtitles

What time will you be home for dinner?

I don't know.

Man, it's hot.

Really?

I'm kind of chilly.

About dinner.

It's so important about what time I come home for dinner. No, tonight I'm

preparing beef wellington.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'd like you home by seven.

Okay, I'll be home around seven.

Not around, at seven. I've been planning this meal for a week.

Beef Wellington isn't something you just throw together.

All right, Felix, I promise. At seven o 'clock, you'll see me sitting at the

dinner table with a knife and fork in my hand.

Hello. Mr. Oscar Madison, please.

When did he leave?

Did he say anything to you before he left?

Besides good night.

Well, he could have said something.

I know you've got your work to do, but this is important.

Did he happen to say anything about Beef Wellington?

Dinner's ruined.

Felix, will you leave me alone?

Oscar, how many times do I have to tell you? The closet is for coats. The floor

is for feet.

Hmm?

If you think I'm going to pick this up after you... Oh, Felix, will you bug

Bug off?

Well, that's nice talk, Felix Bugoff.

You know, the trouble with you is that you can't face up to your own faults.

Oscar, we've got to talk this thing out.

Oscar!

Oscar, I'm trying to communicate with you.

Something I've done?

What have I done?

Because I cleaned the sandwiches out from under your bed?

Oscar!

Tell me what happened.

What does it look like happened?

I think you've been fighting.

Well, I haven't been fighting. The guy who hit me was fighting. I was on the

ground groaning.

You were in a common street brawl? I was not in a street brawl. It was in a bar.

Now, will you leave me alone?

Don't I have a right to know?

My eye and Splint McCullough's fist had a collision at the Sports Page Bar and

Grill. Splint McCullough?

The hockey player? No, Splint McCullough, the doily maker.

Oh, make fun of me, Oscar, because I don't understand anything about hockey.

But I remember that his name was in your column.

No.

Well, he's one of those rough and tough hockey players. He's been around

forever. He spends half his life in the penalty box because he keeps hitting the

other players over the head with his hockey stick. Do you understand that

Yes. Well, Felix, I am going to bury him with these two hands. Oh, Oscar. In my

column. You're going to write an expose.

Once Flynn McCullough, that's going to make him wish he had gone into figure

skating. You can't do that.

That's unprofessional. That's yellow journalism. No, no, no, no, Felix.

That's revenge journalism.

Revenge is wrong.

Wrong, maybe, but oh, so sweet.

If you write an inflammatory column, he'll only hit you again. And then

write another inflammatory column, and again he'll hit you. And that's the way

wars begin.

You know, Felix, if that happens, I'll see you make it safely to Canada. Oh,

that's very funny.

Do you think it's right to crucify a man if he hits you fair and square?

Whose side do you want? A big professional hockey player hits a little

You call that fair and square? That's not the point. Now, I may not be able to

handle Splint McCullough, but you I'm not too worried about. So leave me

Rumors keep flying that Splint McCullough will be shipped down to the

One of his teammates summed it up best.

McCullough couldn't score a goal if his grandmother was guarding the nets.

The only time Splint McCullough feels comfortable with ice is when it's in his

booze.

Excuse me.

Do you know of Splint McCullough? Right over there.

You should use coasters.

Excuse me, are you Splint McCullough? Yep. You a fan?

Here's an autograph.

Thank you. Don't mention it.

May I talk to you for a minute?

If it'll give you a thrill.

I'm a friend of Oscar Madison's.

He a fan, too?

No, no.

He's the gentleman you hit.

Oh.

Sports writer, huh?

Who are you?

I'm Felix Unger. I'm a good friend of Mr. Madison's.

I was wondering if you could tell me in your own words exactly what happened.

I hit him in the eye. That's what happened. Yeah, I know, but why?

We were sitting here talking, drinking, having a good time, and your buddy made

a pass at Irma.

Who's Irma?

I'm Irma.

Hi. Hi.

Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

Normally, I'm an easygoing guy.

I don't get mad because they make me sit in the penalty box most of the time.

I don't even get mad because they don't ask me to do any TV commercials.

But I do get mad when somebody messes around with my girl. I can understand

that. But don't you feel that two grown men... Madison said he was going to get

me.

Now, what are you, the revenge?

You know, because if you are, we can step out the back and straighten it out

right now.

I may be many things, but I'm not a street brawler. Oh, well, there ain't no

street out there. That's an alley.

I don't quarrel with you.

And if I did, I certainly wouldn't settle in an alley.

Splinty, as long as you're up, how about getting me a beer?

Sure, honey.

What would you like, a big head or a little head?

Surprise me.

See?

Why, that's horrible.

The first lesson you learn in a relationship is honesty.

I'm surprised at you.

You are?

Yes.

You're a lady.

All any lady has to do is be her feminine self.

No man can resist that.

You really think I'm a lady? Yes.

You are a beautiful person.

All right, buddy. That did it.

I was just telling her. You weren't telling. You were kissing. Madison only

touched, but you kissed. She was kissing me.

Thank you, kissing. Out in the back. Madison already saw up in the ground for

you. I'm not going out in the back with you.

What are you, chicken?

He is not a chicken. He is a very beautiful person. Anybody don't go out

back as a chicken.

It's a stupid assumption.

Ah. You're calling me stupid, huh?

I'm calling your assumption stupid.

What's an assumption?

Look, I didn't come in here to fight.

Well, that's the way you're going out.

Don't you shove me!

Are you going to get out the back or do I punch you out here?

Now you've done it? I haven't done nothing yet. You broke my watch,

you're going to pay for it. That'll be $4.

What are you talking about?

It would be $8 on you, but I've had it for a year. Besides, I got it wholesale.

Got this friend in the crystal business.

Will you quit stalling and get out in the back?

All right, I'll fight you.

Then I'll fight you in a civilized way.

All right, I promise not to hit you with any garbage cans. I mean in a proper

prize -fighting ring.

A what? A ring.

With a mat and ropes and rounds the way gentlemen beat each other up.

Oh, that's fine with me.

But, Splinty, he didn't mean anything. You stay out of this, Irma.

Fine. You get a pair of gloves and you meet me tomorrow afternoon at Feldman's

Gym at 3 o 'clock.

I'll be there.

Excuse me?

Hiya, Felix.

Hey, have some unbaked Alaska.

No, thank you.

Have you finished your hate article on Mr. McCullough?

No.

I got as far as calling Peggy Fleming a better hockey player than he is.

I got some bad puns about how McCullough stinks on ice.

Why should I waste my talent on that big moose?

Besides, who needs a broken nose?

Nobody wants it, but some of us might have to chance it.

What do you mean by that?

While you were here cooling off, I went down to the Sports Page Bar and Grill to

speak to Mr. McCullough.

Did you see him?

Certainly.

Did you turn off the oven? I didn't even know it was on.

That's the end of the Beef Wellington.

Mind the Beef Wellington.

Why didn't you go to see Spend McCullough?

What'd you do?

I've been gone an hour and ten minutes. Weren't you even aware of it? Well, I

managed to amuse myself. Now, why didn't you go to see Spend McCullough?

Why?

To keep you from... Cheapening yourself by writing a biased column that's

beneath your dignity, that's why.

Can you give me that glove, please? You actually did that for me? That's what

friends are for.

Oh,

will you look?

Oh, my God.

Ruined. It's garbage. Nothing salvaged. What happened?

$8 .34.

Here's what happened.

First, he gave me an autographed hockey puck.

Then?

And he went to the bar to get a drink, and he left me alone with this girl. Oh,

boy.

Then I made the mistake of telling her I thought she was a lady.

And she liked that.

And she kissed me.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Mr. McCullough witnessed this.

And? My watch crystal.

Is that all he broke?

Hmm. Felix, that's a relief.

Do you know what he could have done to you?

That was a wonderful gesture, but you shouldn't have done it. He could have

taken you out in the back alley. He could have murdered you. He suggested

I thought it would be more gentlemanly to challenge him to a boxing match.

We're meeting tomorrow afternoon at Feldman's gym.

Is that a clean place? Is it decent? Is it nice? Is it well kept? Peter, will

you stop putting me on?

I'm not putting you on. What if I ever put anybody on?

You're not putting me on. You're going to get in a ring with that gorilla.

You know he's made out of iron. He'll pulverize you. You can't do it. Look at

that. Never learned that.

You know he's going to kill you?

It's a matter of honor. Good.

funeral will be in your honor.

It's my fight. It's not your fight. It's my fight now.

Oh, now I see it all.

You're doing this to punish me. You're going to get McCullough to kill you so

I'll feel guilty, right?

It's not even logical.

Never mind logic. If you're not trying to make me feel guilty, why are you

trying to commit suicide?

Don't feel guilty.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, in the kitchen you can take care of yourself.

You can't box wearing oven mitts.

Tell me anything about boxing.

Somebody better.

Come with me, my boy. I want to show you something.

Wipe your feet.

What makes you think you can last even three seconds in a ring with Splint

McCullough? You'll see.

Not on the bed.

You're the only person I know who hangs up his clothes in alphabetical order.

What do you think this means?

It means either you're crazy or you're challenging me to a game of easy over

hot peppers.

Why do you suppose I have these along?

Keep you from biting your fingernails.

You didn't know that I was the middleweight boxing champion of the

School of Business, huh?

Hey, that is you, Felix.

Sure it is. Who's the skinny guy with the glasses?

That's the former champ.

One of the toughest notary publics who ever lived.

You even got medals. Why'd you give it up?

I changed my major to fine arts.

Drama students are a lot tougher than notary publics, you know.

I guess this proves to you I can take care of myself, doesn't it? If it's all

proves is that 20 years ago you beat up a couple of skinny CPAs, I can't let you

do it. The matter is out of your hands.

I know what I'm doing.

Stephen McCullough didn't get this far in hockey because of his good manners.

And he's still a hockey player, not a boxer.

You take away his ice skates and his hockey stick and what have you got? An

unarmed homicidal maniac.

He's a clumsy lummox and no match for a master of self -defense.

I still feel guilty.

Oh, boy, do I feel good.

You really like jogging, don't you? Well, I started when I was married to

Gloria. I've kept it up, you know, ever since.

I used to jog when I was married. Yeah?

Yeah, just to get out of the house.

I gave up boxing.

If they can't un -pollute the air in the cities, how do you expect them to do it

in a gym?

You sure you want to go through with this?

You doubt me, don't you?

Anybody who brings a shower cap to a gym doesn't exactly inspire confidence. I'm

susceptible to head cold.

Then why did you bring towels? They furnish towels.

And who knows who's been using them?

Sweaty man, it's a gym, Felix. That's not a health resort.

And I'm a trained pugilist, not a street brawler.

Why don't you go into your dressing room and set up housekeeping?

I wonder if you can catch athlete's foot through your shoes.

I've got to do something.

Oscar!

Hi, remember me? Well, you make it kind of hard to forget you, sweetheart.

Nice one, old pal.

unlike you, Madison.

Well, I'm not exactly very crazy about you, but listen, whoa.

I want to make a deal with you. Eh, what kind of deal?

Well, you call this crazy thing off, and I'll do an article on you that'll make

you the Willie Mays of the National Hockey League. What do you say?

Now, I gotta clobber the little punk.

My dignity's at stake.

My friend's life is at stake.

He's right, Splint.

If you clobber him, you can say goodbye to me.

You're kidding again, huh?

more of this.

If you hit him, I'm going back to Lou.

Oh, another man? You're going to drive him crazy.

No, Lou is my mother. She lives in Sin City.

You really wouldn't leave me, would you?

I have to do what I have to do. Come on, Splint, call it off.

You don't want to lose this beautiful lady.

Lady?

That's the second time this week someone's called me that.

Please, Splinty, come on.

I'm ready.

You can get dressed if he likes to fight, so.

Yeah. Splint's not going to hit you.

Well, I'm glad he's finally come to his senses.

Congratulations.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What? The apology.

Apology? The apology?

And four dollars.

Squirt McCullough don't apologize to nobody.

Yes, he does.

This is not some skinny CPA.

This is Squirt McCullough. I don't care who it is.

Everybody's willing to forget it. Are you crazy? I'm not willing to forget it.

The man owes me an apology.

A man owes you a fist.

This isn't getting us nowhere.

I tried, didn't I, Armand? Get the ring, you. All right. Feel it. Hold it.

This doesn't look like a regulation -sized ring.

Well, who cares?

You stand still till I can hit you. I care.

The size of the ring affects my timing and footwork.

Felix, will you... Don't say it. If you want to help me, fine.

Otherwise, you are free to leave.

Five 50 -pound weights, 50 10 -pound weights, and 10 5 -pound weights.

I don't know. Somebody walked off with him. A big guy.

Mr. Feldman? Yeah. Is that a regulation size ring?

Are you kidding? I had a little extra room, so I put up some ropes.

Yeah, I said it's a regulation ring.

Now, can I punch you? Just a minute.

Where's the bell? Where's the timekeeper?

Oh, no, just stay in here. I'll say round one, round two. I'll say we're

to do this right or we're not going to do it at all.

No, no, not five ten -pound weights.

Fifty ten -pound weights and ten five -pound weights. Mr. Feldman? Yes?

We need a timekeeper and a bell.

Why don't you just stay in there and go round one, round two, ding, ding. We

want to make it official, see?

Okay. Is he official timekeeper?

And he's the official doctor.

Okay, let's go. All right, now. Wait a minute.

Where's the referee?

I'll be the referee.

But you're partial.

When I came in here, I was partial.

Now I'm not too sure.

Don't forget, I'll call you back.

Mr. Feldman? What do you want now, network coverage? No, would you mind

referee? I'm kind of busy right now. Listen, once we get the fight started,

it'll only take a second.

Fellas, this is Mr. Feldman. He's going to be the referee.

Are you the two fighters?

That's right.

Okay, boys, mix it up. Look,

you haven't even introduced us.

Big, tough -looking guy meets little, sappy -looking guy.

Okay, boys, mix it up. Wait a minute.

Which is my corner?

Pick a corner.

Any corner.

So hard to decide.

All right, take one.

I'll take this one.

No, no.

I want this one.

No, I'm sorry. Take a corner. Here's a pretty corner right here.

All right.

Flint, will you stop this? Oh, I'll stop it. If he'll stop it, I'll stop it.

Is he going to be the... fight or redecorate?

I'll redecorate.

Bless you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, wouldn't you know it.

I forgot my mouthpiece.

That's okay. Here, I got one.

That's filthy.

Oh, it ain't. I make everybody wipe it off after they use it.

Put it in boiling water for half an hour, maybe.

Hunger, I promise not to hit you in the mouth. You let's go, please.

Will you stop with the preliminaries and get on with the main bout?

I've got to warm up, don't I?

Anything you say, Cassius.

That's a warm -up. It is for him.

Your hands are shaking.

I'm nervous.

You're nervous?

Yeah. If you had any brains, you'd be nervous, too.

Like an ice bulb.

They don't give any points for neatness for you.

You still got a chance to run, you know.

I waited running at that CPA school.

Tuck in the ends.

Tuck in the ends? Tuck in the ends.

My back is locked.

Locked?

Oh, hey, you've got to stop the fight. Are you kidding?

What are you talking about? His back is locked. He can't move.

I think he's lucky he won't have so far to fall. You mean you're still going to

hit him? Yeah. He came here to fight. He's going to get punched.

Oh, no, no. You're not going to hit him. All right.

I'll hit you.

Shouldn't have done that.

Be right back with the first aid kit.

I think... I think I can move now.

It's too late.

You okay?

No.

But at least my eyes are gonna match.

Thanks, Oscar.

It was nothing.

You didn't have to stand up for me, you know.

Well, we're here because you stood up for me.

Friends stand up for each other.

So, Felix, how come we can't stand up?