Original subtitles

Have you got that thing working yet?

I don't know. How do you know where they're on?

Well, I don't know, do I?

It's like Baby Bailey, isn't it?

Baby Bailey?

More like Baby Daily.

I think it's working now, Del.

All right, come on in. Come and get in the shop then. That's it. Stand there.

All right.

Send it.

Good evening, chaps.

This is Derek Trotter talking to you from a secret location somewhere in

southern England.

It's high, isn't it?

It's high.

You dipstick, Rodney.

Why do you want to go and tell them where we are for?

It's supposed to be secret. I mean, suppose in this video it falls into the

wrong hand.

Tell them I say Mike is watching this in his bunker in Baghdad.

Well, he won't be able to make Edna tell him what Del's doing, then, will he?

I mean, even when he orders a mutton vindaloo, it causes major confusion.

There you go, Gay.

There may be an officer over there who's caused major confusion.

All right, all right.

I reckon we ought to put all this on microfilm.

That's a good idea, Dunn.

Tell them it's over, then.

Here we are with all the wives and the girlfriends.

There they are.

Some of the wives have been at the Dubonnie, I reckon.

Anyway, as I was saying, here we are at this top secret location.

It's not our wicker, mate. This soup's not our wicker.

Nothing. Soup.

Gawd, I've just said, haven't I? You dozy old twonk. I've just said this is

supposed to be a top secret location.

Well, sorry, where was I?

Sorry, sorry.

So I would say, here we are at High Wycombe. Oh, blimey, now look what you

me do. You made me do it now.

Look at this laptop.

It's a stupid idea anyway.

Whoever heard of sending a three -wheeled van to war?

Oh, well, that's the whole idea, isn't it, wouldn't it?

Because they won't suspect nothing, will they? Because it is nippy, this van,

you know. From whizzing and out of them old sand dunes.

Do you know this thing can go underneath a camel and it would never know that

it's been there until it's smelt the whiff of the old exhaust?

Oh, it'll get a whiff of exhaust, all right.

If they think 500 burning oil wells is bad news, you won't till this thing

arrives.

Rodney, there's a...

A finely tuned thoroughbred engine lurking beneath this bonnet of loose.

Oh, leave it out, Phil.

Half the people on our estate have got bronchitis because of this van.

No, it's just burning a bit of carbon, that's all.

This, I tell you, this is the concourse of three -wheel vans, this is.

The trouble with you, Rodney, is that you don't know how to drive it. That is

the problem.

You see, this van is like...

It's like a woman, you see. You've got to... You know, you've got to... You

know, you've got to learn how to caress it, you know?

You've got to... Try to use a bit of the old gentle persuasion.

Oh, man.

I'll say nothing.

Yeah, I suppose it does remind me a bit of your expert still.

Drink too much, make funny noises, and he's old enough to know better.

Yes, yes, all right. Thank you very much. Thank you, Rodney. Do you mind if

get on now?

Thank you.

Right, now, listen, lads. I'm sending you this three -wheel van packed to the

gunnels with goodies.

Oh, that's a nice gesture, Bill. Yeah, well, I'm a nice sort of person, aren't

I? And I'm selling them to you at knockdown price.

Now, what else, eh? You are actually selling stuff to our troops in the

At knock... Sound prices, Rodney.

All right?

Now, General Peter de Villiers, he will be collecting the dosh as he's on 10%.

So there you go. You're going to get a bargain of a lifetime. I'm doing my bit

for King and Country.

Everyone's a winner.

Vent a tear, as they say in Saint -Tropez.

No, seriously, though, boys, we just wanted to say from us, the trotters, and

all the people back here in the UK, we're very proud of what you've done.

I know you've worked hard. We can't wait for you to come back here safe and

sound. So you can buy us all a pint.

Anyway, well done. God bless you.

Oh, and don't worry about the wives or girlfriends.

We'll look after them for you.

It's safe in our hands.

Yeah, you know it makes sense.

Hey, Del. Shall we finish it like one of them news reports?

Yeah, go on then, if you want. Go on then.

This is Rodney Trotter.

News at 5 .15. Del, this thing still can't work, you know. Oh, it's out of

back. Oh, just carry on, will you? Go on.

Fire command, high with them. And very soon from the nearest pub.