Original subtitles

I've come to sell my wares and it's guaranteed to cure hardcore softcore and

pimples on the tongue. Now look here, look at it. That's beautiful, isn't it,

eh? Isn't that beautiful? That is raise the chassé, as they say in theatre.

Now be honest, have you ever seen a Christmas tree like that before? No, of

course you haven't, and I'll tell you the reason why. Because this is no

ordinary Christmas tree. This is the new advanced microchip Christmas tree as

advertised on Tomorrow's World.

Now, I would just...

Excuse me, madam. Excuse me.

Don't you know it's rude to walk away when someone's talking to you?

Well, go on then, if you must, but hurry back.

Now listen, this Christmas tree contains all the traditional Yuletide values

plus 21st century technology.

Let me give you just two of its manifold advantages.

One, you do not have to buy electric lights, porpoise, bangles and beads

this tree comes complete. Two, you do not have to struggle with it like you do

the old forest -type Christmas tree because this tree folds down.

Fits neatly.

Well, it fits neatly.

Very, very neatly.

Neatly.

Into the suitcase.

Now, if you went up there and you paid 27 quid for one of these, you'd think

that you were getting a right result.

Well, I'm not going to ask you for 27 quid. I'm not even going to ask you for

score. Now, who said 15?

Who said... Put your money away, love. Put your money... I don't want 15.

I don't want 12. I'm not even asking for 10.

Right, come on, girls.

Fastest first wins. It's six quid, and I'm having bread and cheese for my

Christmas dinner. Right, six quid. Come on, anybody.

The lot's got to go.

Six. Six.

All right, as you're the first, you can have it for a fiver, darling.

All right.

Cheers.

There you go.

That's it.

Mind you, don't fall off your bike.

Just got those out of the back of the van. Well, you can just take them back

again, can't you? These are going down about as well as Union Jacks do in

Aires. How many we sold?

Well, including us, um, one.

One down, 149 it goes.

Here you are, dear boy.

You left your flask of coffee on the sideboard this morning.

Thanks very much, Grandad. Could just go a nice hot cup of coffee.

Here, you didn't forget more suckerings, did you? I got them this morning. Oh,

good man.

This is stone cold.

Well, it would be, wouldn't it? It's been standing on the sidewalk for hours.

Couldn't you have made some fresh?

I didn't have time to make coffee. I had to get your flask down, too.

Silly old... Here, Rodney, chuck that away, will you?

Look, you could have quite easily have made some fresh, couldn't you?

I meant to copy you, clonker.

Spoon me only, Nick. That's last last week.

Get in there and fish it out. I'm not getting in there with all that rubbish.

What are you talking about? It's tidier than your bedroom.

I'm not getting in there. That's final.

How am I ever going to become a millionaire when I am surrounded by

Go on, pick up that stuff and we're going to get a cup of tea at six.

Give us three teas, will you, Sid? How's your luck?

Oh, don't ask. Just don't ask.

I'll have three amrolls and all.

Do you two want anything to eat?

I have a wagon wheel, dear old boy.

Wagon wheel? Yeah, I'd have one of them non -sodium glutamate pies of yours,

please. State pie.

So what happens if we don't get rid of them trees, eh?

We've done our money, I suppose.

It's the world recession, isn't it?

It's affecting everyone.

Here, Rodney, come here a minute.

Come here, I want to show you something.

Every year, for as long as I can remember, the market traders have always

a Christmas tree to that church over there.

But this year, they just can't afford it.

It's the little orphans that I feel sorry for.

I mean, every Christmas Eve, they'd come down from the orphanage.

They'd hold an open -air carol service round the tree.

It looked really lovely, it did.

I thought about crying once.

Still, times change, don't they now?

It's all Sam Ferry Ann, isn't it?

Oi, Sid.

Put them emeralds in a paper bag for us, will you? Come on, Granny, I'll give

you a little fun.

Oh, Rodney, see if you can do something with them Christmas trees, will you?

Come on, then.

Right,

ready when you are ready.

Here goes, then.

They flash?

Yeah.

They're not supposed to.

I mean, well, it's not much of a tree, but it's the only one I could... No, no,

no, no, you're wrong, Rodney.

This is the finest Christmas tree our church has ever had.

You see, for a growing number of years, I have become dismayed, even shocked by

the attitude of modern youth.

But today, you walked into this church and offered us this tree.

Simply because you care.

You have rekindled my faith in the human race.

It's not nicked, is it?

No, of course it's not nicked. I mean, who'd nick that?

Well, God bless you, my son.

There will be a place waiting for you in heaven.

Oh, good.

Look, tell him I'm in no hurry, won't you?

Merry Christmas to you.

Because this is no ordinary Christmas tree. As I was saying, this is the only

Christmas tree as used and recommended by the Church of England itself.

If you'd just like to come right over there, you'll see what I mean.

Well done, Rodney. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Now, as I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, the Archbishop of Canterbury

himself... actually has one of these Christmas trees in his front room. Now,

two can have one in your front room for the ridiculously low price of just seven

pounds. That's all I want. Seven pounds. You got seven there, lady. Thanks very

much. That's the right money. Take that one there. You dirty little mercenaries.

We needed someone to promote our product.

But God... You knew I'd give that treat to the vicar, didn't you?

All that rubbish about them little orphans.

You've got no ethics.

You don't even know what ethics are, do you?

Yeah. Huh?

If it's, they can make model aeroplanes, can't they?

It's certainly, that's it, just the right money. Thank you very much. You

that one. Very nice. Thanks.

I can't believe you sometimes.

Now, listen. Listen, Rodney. Just a minute. Now, listen.

Listen to me. Look.

The vicar's happy because he's got a Christmas tree, right? The punters are

happy because they think they're getting something special, right? And we're

happy because we're making £3 .50 on every tree. So everyone's a winner.

Now, are you going to sell a tree?

You can sell two if you like. No way, my son.

I've heard a commercialisation of Christmas, but this is taking a... $3

All in lovely crisp reddies.

All right, girls, have your money ready. Now, don't worry...