Original subtitles

There you go, Rogers.

All right, champ.

Oh, a little holiday to Greece, eh?

Yeah, I think it'd be an operative word.

That's very near the place that I went about four years ago.

Horrible, it was.

Mosquitoes the size of sparrows.

They showed up and rode off.

And the place we stayed at, God dear.

The room was never swept, the food was diabolical, and the sheets, they weren't

changed from one week to the next.

You should have gone self -catering.

We did.

I went and got a tummy bug. Dash into the car every five minutes.

Yeah, all right, I'll get a picture. And then Raquel was frightened that Damien

might catch it.

So, when are you thinking of booking your holiday, then?

Yeah, we're not going to book the holiday.

Me and Cass sat down last night and worked out our finances.

Well, what's happened to your wages?

My wages?

I usually blow them on a doner kebab on the way home.

I meant your combined wages, didn't I? I mean, Cassandra, like she earns well,

doesn't she?

We've got to pay the mortgage on our flat, the loan on Cassie's car, rates,

insurance, pensions, heating, food and clothing.

That's what I mean. You waste it.

I had a thought last week.

Oh, you should have said something. We'd have had a little celebration.

Don't you get socky with me, Rodney.

This financial situation ain't all my doing.

But I have thought of a way of bringing some serious money in.

Modelling.

Modelling?

Photographic modelling.

Clothes, you know, that sort of thing, for magazines and maybe, well, even the

telly.

Hmm? No, not us two, you dipstick.

Albert?

Oh, good.

Look at that old duffer bee. Captain Birdseye's stuntman.

What do you think, then?

Premium.

I don't think that's a very good idea, though.

Why not?

He's a good -looking kid, and these model agencies, they're desperate for

chavvies to do adverts, like Smarties and all that.

Just think, brothers.

This time next year, his little face could be on every television set in the

country.

I don't think it's right, you know, parents pushing kids into show business.

I wouldn't be pushing him, would I? It's in his blood.

I mean, you know, look at Raquel.

What about her? Well, she was in show business, wasn't she? She was a stripper

grand.

Once, Rodney, just once.

What I'm trying to say is it's unfair to force Damien to do something he might

not want to do.

When he's older, he might choose to take up modelling. He might even enjoy it,

but it would be his decision.

You think the world of that little boy, don't you?

Well... Yeah, I can tell that you do, because I can see it in your eyes.

Yes. There you are, you lucky Damien.

You've got an uncle who loves you nearly as much as your mummy and daddy.

So, anyway, we're still stuck in some cockless situation, aren't we? You two

don't know when you're well off.

Oh, God.

During the war, I saw real hardship.

Refugees, entire families had lost their homes and didn't know where their

babies' next meal were coming from.

Same thing's happening today.

You think you're hard up, Rodney.

Well, think about Africa.

What are you talking about? I mean, if he can't afford to go to Greece, he

certainly can't afford to go to Africa.

Yeah, I think he means, you know, all the starving people in Africa.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. We never really think about that, do we? Well, once a

when it comes on the telly.

I mean, well, you know, we think we're hard up, but we've got a roof over our

head, don't we, and we eat every day.

It's what I've always said, wasn't it?

One man's floor is another man's ceiling.

We couldn't help them people back in 1941 because we didn't have anything

ourselves. The times have changed.

I'd love to be able to just open my door and walk back into 1941.

How can anyone just walk back to 1941?

That's stupid.

Yeah, all right. Good night, sweetheart.

Yeah.

Stupid Albert.

I mean, I'm not a detective inspector, but even I can work that one out.

Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't know how to end

this thing.

Yeah, you see, we conned you.

This isn't really only fools and horses. We are working for comic relief.

And what we would like to say at this specific moment in time is give us some

dosh.

They may lend it to Comic Relief, not literally to us. Leave this to me, will

you, Rodney?

You could start Chatter Relief.

Everything would go towards charity.

Yes, but would any of it actually arrive?

For the last ten years, Comic Relief has been helping the poorest people in

Africa. But they also support projects all over the UK.

They're helping old people who are living below the poverty line.

Yeah, homeless youngsters living on the street or whose lives have been buggered

up by drugs or booze. Women and little ones who are being hurt by people who

drink too much and loads and loads of other brilliant projects right across

plectrum.

Ooh, may we.

And, unlike Del's Ukrainian compact disc player, it works.

Tonight, we have the chance to improve someone else's life.

So, please.

Go to your bank or your building society.

Yeah. Or give us a bell on 0345 460 460.

And give us some dosh. You know it makes sense.