Original subtitles

Hey, Peter.

Hey, Lou, how you doing?

Good. I don't know if I'm Santa material. You look great.

You look great, yeah.

And when do you see these kids' faces? The smiles?

Yeah. I mean, you know, for some of them, it's the only Christmas I'll have.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Hey, you guys.

Hey. Hey, you're looking good.

Listen, this thing's a little small on me. How about yours? I don't know. Can I

check it out? Sure. Here, try this one. Okay, now look, Michael, I have you

booked at Figueroa Elementary.

Okay. And Peter, you're at Olympic.

Right. Okay. That's perfect.

Can I try the elephant? Yeah, thanks.

Of course, it's like 90 degrees. We're going to sweat like pigs. Ho, ho, ho.

Quit grousing. It's for a good cause. Right, Doc? Right.

Bring a little cheer to some great kids. Come on. To the sleigh, gentlemen.

I'm driving.

Ho,

ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho. There you go.

Now, only Amanda and I should have signing privileges.

I mean, after all, it was our money that started the foundation. Eve is an equal

partner in all ways, or I pull my money out and you're on your own.

Besides, it was Eve's idea to get Hanson for the benefit concert at Upstairs.

Look, I don't... Get your robbery!

All right, come on, you guys. Hurry up. Open the door. Now. Shut up. Get

down. Get down. Come on. Let's go. Let me think about moving.

Damn it. First season ready.

Let's go. Move it.

Move it.

Are you kidding? Give it to me.

Come on, get the money. Come on. Go.

Where's yours?

I'm not married, Kringle. Don't rub it in.

Back on the floor now.

Who chose this bank anyway?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Let's go.

Go, go, go.

One hour max, right? You drop us off, then pick us up? If you want to stay

longer, there's no time limit here. I feel like a pimp in this car of yours.

Hey, guys, is that a pimp -mobile?

Dashing through the snow.

In a one -horse open sleigh. O 'er the fields we go.

Laughing all the way. Ho, ho, ho! Build some popular dreams.

Making spirits bright.

Oh, what fun it is to be a homeowner.

I don't know.

Easy, okay

Are we jolly now, Michael?

Snowman, angels, ribbons, bows.

Dreams of cocoa and mistletoe.

Seems like years since I've been home. Can't bear to spend another Christmas

alone. Packed my bags, I'm on my way.

Heading home for the holidays.

Crowded airport, flight delayed.

Should have hitched a ride on Santa's sleigh.

Can't wait to see.

I'm coming home for Christmas.

I'm coming home for Christmas. Friends and family.

Live on.

Someone would tell us what this was all about.

Yellow line, now.

These people have no sense of humor.

It's hard to say.

They all look alike.

If we could see them without the beard.

Okay, beard's off.

Turn left.

Turn right.

Oh, my God, it's Peter. And Kyle.

Ryan, Michael.

That Dr.

Visconti, oh, my God, is priceless.

Officer, there's been a horrible mistake.

Eve and I are married to two of them. Three of them are doctors at Wilshire

Memorial. They were dressed for a volunteer job going around to local

schools. They couldn't have been anywhere near that bank.

Okay, free to go.

Sorry if it ain't convenient.

Merry Christmas. Hope you catch the real guys.

Thank you.

You know, you were so lucky that we were at that bank.

Come on, get me out of here. You look very cozy.

Have a nice day.

Have a nice day.

Oh, so you tried to do a favor for somebody and see what happens?

Oh. I hope this isn't some kind of bad omen. I'm counting on this being a great

Christmas. Our first Christmas together.

And our last Christmas alone.

Next year, we're going to have a baby in the house.

Come here, I want to show you something.

I know this is jumping the gun, but I couldn't resist.

Oh, isn't it to die for? Wow.

It's great.

Yeah, you know, before you have kids, Christmas was just a hassle, but now

taking on a whole new meaning.

We can get back to being a kid again.

You know, I have lived a pretty wild life, but I have never made love to

Claus before.

No, it's me, Ryan.

It's okay.

I'm so sorry I'm late. I'm so sorry.

Where were you? You're like three hours late. Everything was ready. I hope

you're not drunk.

No, I was just, I was in jail is all. That's not all. It was this huge case of

mistaken identity. Don't tell me somebody thought you were Santa Claus.

No. Bank robbers dressed as Santa Claus.

We were on our way to the volunteer gig and these cops pull us over.

Apparently guys dressed as Santa Claus are robbing banks.

Anyway, they realized the mistake and they let us go. This is all very

I know. Too strange to make up.

I've been looking forward to tonight all day.

Well, you know what?

The dinner is cold and the wine is warm.

But we can still decorate the Christmas tree. I mean, that was the whole idea,

right? To do that together.

Was it the whole idea?

Oh, sure.

I mean, I did go out and buy the tree and the ornaments. I mean, I'm ready.

Well, yeah, I'm ready, too. I've been ready for weeks.

We're not talking about Christmas trees anymore, are we?

What Christmas tree?

Hey.

That's very nice work of that from me. For Amanda.

And don't even think about ruining the surprise.

I guess you didn't get my messages earlier.

I called from the police station twice, actually.

I was arrested.

I mean, we were arrested.

Kyle and Peter and Ryan. Sorry, I didn't check my machine.

Apparently, you got yourself out.

You know, Jane, I'm really sorry about that real estate agent, okay? I was just

preparing to move on, you know, to be alone again.

But it was a disaster.

Yeah, well, for your information, I tried the same thing. The date. And it,

was a disaster.

Well, that's great.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Or I'm not sorry.

Because I think maybe... I think maybe somebody's trying to tell us something.

Like we're being a little too hasty.

Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking since your surgery.

And, um... Well, I think maybe we're jumping the gun here.

Michael?

Our court date is tomorrow. I know, I know. That's exactly what I wanted to

to you about.

Maybe we should postpone it, you know, take the holidays to think about things.

That's all I've been doing is thinking about things. Think and overthink. I

to resolve this before the year's over. A clean break.

You really mean that?

Yeah.

You want to be alone during Christmas time?

Doesn't that scare you a little bit?

The only thing that scares me, Michael, is the thought of spending the rest of

my life with you.

Look at it this way, Santa.

You've still got the L.

Hey.

No holiday blues already, huh?

I only had that ring for three weeks.

It meant so much to me.

We'll get you another one.

You think I'm being silly, don't you? No, silly.

Well, you haven't even commented on the decorations.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

That's great.

Very nice. I, uh... This is very weird for me.

I never got into this kind of thing, ever.

There wasn't a lot of ho -ho -ho around the driving range, if you know what I

mean.

You get your hopes up, you know, new bike, a train set that, you

know, the one with the gates that would open and close.

You know, you'd have expectations, and you get disappointed.

Maybe that's why I always signed up to cover the wards on Christmas Day.

Wasn't I the one that said no holiday blues?

Sorry.

Why don't you get that and I'll put a robe on.

Hey, Mrs. Burns, I got that Christmas tree you wanted.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that.

Well, look at this. Never had anything like this on the old blog, did we?

Of course, we didn't decorate too well back then.

And you know I didn't order that tree. You know my husband doesn't know

about me being in prison, and he can't know.

Uh, it's the guy who owns the tree lot where we're buying the trees for the

hospital. Yeah, uh, excuse me.

I was so grateful for the business, I just decided to... Not mine, surprise

all. It's a little gift. Oh.

That's great. That's very nice. Thank you.

Alex is a fool showing a lot.

Hope you all enjoy it.

All right, Eve, I guess I'll be seeing you around.

Well, you'll probably be seeing both of us. I'm chief of staff at the hospital.

Oh, really?

Well, what do you know? Two big shots in the family.

Well, Merry Christmas.

That was nice.

So what do you think? How about over there?

It's great.

You okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Just looking forward to a really great Christmas.

If I don't show up, what happens?

Basically... She gets everything, you get held in contempt.

Okay, what if I contest the divorce?

You're already getting the divorce. This is about damages. All right, what if I

concede the damages? It's a little late for cold feet, Michael, and that is what

this is, isn't it? Cold feet?

Freezing feet is what it is.

I can't believe it. They caught these guys. Yeah, about two hours ago, outside

of Valley Bank.

A whole trunk full of automatic weapons.

Let's go, people. You're late. I gotta catch a plane to Aspen.

Mancini versus Mancini. Oh, it's a lovely case.

Yeah, a little of a holiday spirit.

All right, complainants, rise. Let's have a look at you.

Now, you look compatible to me.

You're attractive, you're young, apparently successful.

I'm missing something here.

Oh, um, irreconcilable differences. Shut up. Sit down, counselor, and zip it.

I read the statements. I'm asking them.

You first, Blondie.

This is our second marriage to each other.

It was a horrible, horrible mistake, Your Honor. Halfway through the

he actually accused me of sleeping with a friend. Wait, before I get blamed for

this... Silence. You're both to blame.

And according to these complaints and cross -complaints, you're both acting

ridiculous.

Damages, ceiling repairs.

I mean, we should be hearing this on the 4th of July or April Fool's Day.

Not Christmas.

Your Honor, may I suggest a postponement after the holidays?

Obviously, none of us are really in a state to discuss this case today.

One more outburst out of you, sweet pea, and I will hold you in contempt.

Your Honor, I did not... That's $50.

You want to go for $100?

Okay, now, you two watch Jeopardy.

Yeah? Good show? Sit down.

There's paper on the table in front of you. I want you both to write the

question to this answer.

The reason you got married the second time. You got ten seconds.

Done?

What, are you writing a book?

Come on. Bring them up here. Approach the bench while we're young.

All right.

I'll let the record show.

They both answered identically.

What is love?

You know what I hate more than anything?

When people use the justice system as a weapon to inflict pain

on one another.

I mean, I'm sure you've both heard the advice ad nauseum.

You must sit down and you must talk things out.

Yes, sir, we have, ad nauseum.

Well, then what's in your ears, pal?

Cotton? Pape dung?

Sir,

I have listened, and I have approached her. Oh, please.

He approaches with all the subtlety of a rhinoceros, sir.

I hereby hold both of you in contempt of court, and I'm

sentencing you to spend the holidays together.

from Christmas to New Year's Day. And prior to that, you will perform

service, distributing toys for this court's favorite charity ten hours a

every day. And then, it's hard labor, which for the two of you means

communication.

Talking, talking, talking.

Am I understood?

Yes, Your Honor.

Yes, sir. All right.

Court adjourned, and Merry Christmas to one and all.

Decorating for the holidays?

I'm not really in the mood.

You know, drinking in the middle of the day is... Did I ask for your opinion? I

don't think that I did.

I'm just looking for a little holiday cheer, you know?

Which, in California, is next to impossible to find.

There's no snow.

You gotta have snow at Christmas time.

You still haven't told Amanda, have you?

I tried.

No, I keep on trying to find people that...

I can't get in a word what with all the talk about the baby and our big, bright

future together.

And now, what with the holidays, what am I supposed to say?

Merry Christmas.

Can't make you a baby.

Crippled sperm.

You understand?

I know this must be hard.

No.

It's impossible, okay?

I have a friend. He's a psychiatrist.

No. I can handle this.

I don't need you.

I don't need a psychiatrist. I don't need anybody.

Okay?

You get it?

Yeah. I get it.

I had a party. Amanda has a party at the office.

I'm going to get some coffee.

Merry Christmas.

All

right,

what do you want? How much?

What, money?

That's what you think I want? I have some cash, not a lot, but we can work

something out. No, no, I don't want money. That's not what's important to

You see, I used to watch you up at that prison.

And I've got all these thoughts and fantasies. Have you ever had any

Everybody had fantasy.

Not me?

No.

Even in that dumb prison smock they gave you, you looked so hot.

You know, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

What was underneath that smart?

See that trailer? That's mine.

A lot more comfortable than it looks.

One more on the head. That's all I'm asking. That's all I want.

All right? Just to see if you can live up to my fantasies.

You're crazy. No, I am smart.

Just as smart as that doctor husband of yours even.

Look, you want to hide your prison pass from him, that's fine with me. Well, I'm

going to take advantage of it.

Your choice, my game, the American way.

Understand?

Just like I know charity here. So why don't you do me a favor?

Spread a little of that Christmas cheer my way. All right?

Hey, Eve!

Where are you?

Hey, there you are. You don't have to come out here.

Especially in those nice clothes.

And we got a truck coming. They're going to pick up all these Christmas trees,

drop them off at the hospital.

Here you go. Here's the check with the discount.

Forty percent.

Just like we agreed.

Lexi, you're right about the clothes. I'll just meet you at the hospital.

Damn, she's looking fine.

You can forget about it, tree boy. She's way out of your league.

I'm not too sure about that.

Oh, God.

Thank you for everything. It was a great year. Thank you, Amanda.

But I'd trade it all for a kid.

Easy, guy. I'll turn you into human resources.

Amanda. Ryan, online class. Oh, thank you.

Ryan, where the hell have you been? I've called your apartment. I paged you.

Yeah, you know what? I had to ring her off.

I'm really sick. I have the fever and chills.

You know, I think I had some bad sushi or something.

And, you know, I've been in bed all day, sleeping.

Well, you missed a great party. I will leave your bonus check on your death.

The guy says I didn't have a problem with the maid.

And you get some sleep. I'll talk to you later. Okay.

Bye. You're terrible.

You're going to get me fired. Oh, no.

Here we go.

I borrow this guy for a moment.

I see you've been drinking again, haven't you? No, just a drop, you know?

on the holidays.

Oh, I'll say.

I've got to talk to you guys. Is there someplace private we can go?

Yeah.

What is wrong? You're a rat.

You know the guy from Frosty's tree lot? The guy who sold us all the trees for

the hospital?

He used to be a guard at the prison.

He remembered me from there.

He threatened to tell Peter everything if I didn't sleep with him.

What? He doesn't want money. He doesn't want anything. I'm so scared.

What are we going to do?

You two aren't going to do anything.

I'm going to handle this.

How?

Leave it to me.

All right, close.

Yeah, I waited.

You're supposed to talk that way.

Talk about what? I don't know you, madam.

I'm about to make a lasting impression.

You're going to do everybody a favor. You're going to stay away from me.

Well, why would I want to do that?

Because you don't really have a choice.

Well, then, let me just say, up yours, cowboy.

I'll do whatever I want.

Really?

You'll be out of here by morning.

I'm going to come back.

Kyle? Morning.

What time did you get home? I was worried.

It was late. I didn't want to wake you up.

Hey, I think Eve's pal got the picture.

Got a little ugly, but I bet he's halfway back to Yosemite by now.

It was cold.

I had to wait a while until he closed.

How badly did you hurt him?

He'll live.

At least long enough to get out of town.

You said convince him, I thought.

What did you think I was going to do? What, did you think I was going to talk

him?

Look, baby, he's gone, okay?

Just leave it at that.

Well, that does it here. On to the next spot.

Uh, give me a second.

I'll be right back.

Hey, little buddy.

This is for you.

Batteries included, I checked.

Cool.

Thanks. You wouldn't have anything in that truck from my mom, would you?

Oh, no.

No, that stuff's just for kids.

Too bad.

I wanted to give her something to cheer her up.

She lost another job.

Thanks.

I can't take it. Come on, come on, come on. Shush.

Take this.

You buy her something special, you understand?

Come on. Get lost.

You are always surprising me.

Yeah, I even surprise myself sometimes.

Can I ask you a favor?

Sure.

Would you consider forgiving me for, um...

The wedding fiasco and the paranoid accusations, the bed through the

mean, the whole hell I put you through.

I'm really sorry and was wondering if you could forgive me.

So you're apologizing?

Yes, I think I am.

Yeah, I think I can forgive you.

Then you said like a hug.

I came over to buy some wreaths.

There's plenty of garden left over there. Why don't you help us up? What

happened to you?

Let's just say Santa's sled fell on my head.

I don't understand.

Aren't you guys supposed to stay open through Christmas? Aren't you going to

lose a lot of money?

It's only one thing matters more to me than money. Well, actually, two things.

That would be sex and my life.

Any more questions, you go talk to your little friend Eve about it, all right?

Eve? Eve, I don't understand. What's she got to do with this?

Come on. Buddy, help me out here. She's not exactly my best friend either.

People keep secrets like that. Ain't got no friends.

Secret. You know her, huh? From her past?

She's not from a wealthy family, is she?

Lady, you haven't even scratched the surface.

Look, man, I'm telling you that I lost control.

Okay, I'm not going into detail about how or why. I just did.

And I realized it wasn't about him. It wasn't about this guy. It was about

Amanda, the stuff that is happening.

I'm ready to kill somebody.

You know what the solution is here.

You mean to tell Amanda?

I can't tell Amanda. I can't do it now, not during the holidays.

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm sitting here talking to you, and I don't even know

why. It's about the drinking.

You got to stop.

Stop the drinking.

I'm going to write you out a prescription.

It's for a mild antidepressant. This will get you through the next couple of

weeks or until you can tell her. Now, I want your guarantee that you will tell

her.

That's a no.

I had to go. A man's got a charity gig.

I'm going to help out.

Back over to the band. Merry Christmas, everybody.

Thank you for being a squirrel.

Don't be late.

One,

two, three.

Boy,

if those boys were a few years older, that's where I'd take them all back to

condo.

Speaking of which, Eve, how come they're not home for the holidays?

I mean, if it was all such a warm and fuzzy memory.

Peter's all the family I need now. Excuse me.

Travis sure left in a hurry, didn't he?

Who beat him up, Eve?

You with the baseball bat?

Peter?

Huh? And why?

What'd he do to you?

Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about.

Probably because Travis said you would.

Yeah, he said... You two go way back.

Piled knuckles are all bruised.

Well, now that we know who did it, let's talk about why. Take this in the back

room, shall we? Honey, I'll take this anywhere you want.

Get your low -life hands off me or I will rip your dimples off.

Thank you, ma 'am. May I have another?

You little bitch.

She's killing me.

What the hell is wrong with you? How would you ask Nikita here?

Get the hell out of here. All right, I'm out of here.

You know, honey, the thing about hitting a nerve...

It may sting a little bit doing it, but knowing I hit just the right nerve, it

makes it all worth it.

Keep an eye on those knuckles, honey. You wouldn't want to get an infection.

Okay, Peter.

Hit it.

Hey.

Boy, you really have a way with that staple gun. Yeah, well, thanks for

out.

What are we going to do about these spouses of ours, huh?

Working all night, these late hours.

Oh, yeah, what were we thinking there in a couple of night owls?

Seriously, though, I am concerned about Kyle's health.

Speaking of which, how is that physical?

Good. Good. He's in great shape.

He's drinking. He's flying off the handle.

I know he doesn't think I suspect anything, but I do.

He's different.

And I was wondering if you knew why.

Well, it's time of year, Amanda. You know, people react in different ways.

it's stress.

Maybe... Maybe you two ought to spend a little more time together.

What, a vacation?

I don't know. Maybe you should get reacquainted.

Talk. Peter. I really hate being put in the middle of... Well, who's putting you

in the middle? I know I'm not. Now just leave Kyle.

I... I know you too well. You're not saying anything.

What?

It's a mistletoe. You put it up.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, forget staying in bed. Let's live in bed.

To the merriest of Christmases.

Hey, baby, what's wrong?

I was late this month. I thought I was pregnant.

But I'm not. I just took the test.

It's negative.

I wanted so much to give you the ultimate gift.

A new baby.

Oh, hey.

Stop that, okay?

That one thing I want to give you, too.

You only knew how much.

Hi. We got a special delivery for Jane Mancini. Yeah, wow.

Here you go. It's right in there. It's huge. What is it?

I wouldn't know.

Oh, uh, the card that came with it.

Thanks. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, you too.

Wow.

Dear Jane.

A Christmas without you isn't a Christmas.

Love, Michael.

Merry Christmas!

You're such a lunatic. You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Well, luckily someone sent a doctor.

I can't believe you did this. Yeah, well, it's not the gesture. It's the

behind it, right?

Yeah. Tell you what.

Let's do something that nobody would ever believe.

What, like get along?

Yeah. Sure.

Do you really think we can?

Christmas is about hope, right?

For the future?

Well, let's let this Christmas be about hope for our future.

You know what, Michael? You're like chocolate.

Horrible for me, but irresistible.

Then what are you waiting for? You better start licking before I melt.

Gee, it's awfully nice of you to do this for us, Doctor. Oh, it's the least I

could do. I'm sorry you all had to work on Christmas Day. Well, we appreciate

it. Excuse me.

I need some emergency care here. You see this black guy? All they gave me in the

trauma ward was an ice pack.

Tina, would you stop manhandling me? I don't want you ruining Christmas Day.

Aren't you curious how I got this black guy? I already know you had a fight with

Eve. Don't you want to know what it's about?

It doesn't matter. You had it coming.

His name is Travis, okay? He works at the Christmas tree lot.

He seemed to know E pretty damn well. I'm assuming from her past, a past she's

willing to defend with her life.

I tell you where he is, only he left town in a big hurry after someone beat

crap out of him. I don't want to hear about this. I'm just saying she's not

you think. Get out. Just ask her, Peter.

What's she hiding?

With Kyle, with Amanda, with all of this?

You ass...

So, Dad, can we have him sit at his apartment in three days?

Right here.

And this tastes great, and I normally hate fruitcake.

Me too, okay? Next time I'm going to grocery shop before the orgy, okay?

This is the best Christmas dinner that I've ever had.

All right, so I want to know something.

What is going on here in this apartment?

Well, um, that's a good question.

I've been too chicken to ask it myself.

Because, I mean, to me it feels... It feels relationship.

I'm so glad you said that.

It feels perfect to me. It feels right.

I've never in my life had that before.

But now that I have this to compare it to, I know I never even came close.

Who's that?

Um, I don't know.

Yeah, I'll get it.

They're my pants. I don't know. Here, wrap. I'll get it.

I knew you'd be alone for the holidays, so I brought you a little surprise.

What, a strange man?

Yeah, no, actually, um, Christmas dinner.

Turkey, stuffing, all the trimmings.

And I brought the trimmer. This is Pierre.

He's a renowned chef and caterer. He speaks no English, but he cooks like a

dream. Right, Pierre?

Ah, oh, oui, oui, oui. Je vais vous préparer quelque chose. Mm, vos petits

oignons. Vous allez m 'en dire une nouvelle. Pierre, honey, shut up.

He's adorable, isn't he?

Well, you, you do have company.

What's all this?

This is a huge, huge mistake.

Apparently, I just thought that Megan was going to be alone.

She's not.

Yeah, I see that.

Well, you two obviously want to have your Christmas dinner together.

Just the two of you.

Pierre, give them the turkey.

Give it to him.

You know what? Forget it. Just give me the turkey.

Okay,

Merry Christmas.

Good night.

Now

we

have food.

Oh, my God, what is that?

What, the dove?

No, the ring on your finger. Look at the size of the rock.

Peter surprised me.

Hey, sorry I'm late. No, you're just in time. Took you to dinner. I saved you

some eggnog. Oh, I am so glad you're here.

How is everything at the hospital?

Lousy. It's good to be around friends.

Well, why don't you get yourself a cup of eggnog? I think this is looking so

beautiful. Easy, easy.

Hey, it's the holidays.

Yeah.

You know, I just ran into Lexi. She said something about you beating up some...

Christmas tree salesman and the two and Amanda and Eve are in some kind of

conspiracy together.

You believe that?

I don't know.

Should I?

Yeah. They beat the guy up.

Well, because he was coming on to Eve and she didn't know how to tell you.

I did it for a friend.

Two friends. You and me both.

Hey, you guys, come on over here. I want to make a tote.

Yeah, forget I even brought it up. Sorry.

No, me too.

Let's just not ruin the night, okay?

There.

Okay.

Thank you. All right, here are two of the incredible year we have already had

and the incredible year yet to come and the two men in our lives and how proud I

am of them.

Cheers.

Somebody should take a picture of this.

Who's going to take it? I'll take it. Oh, great. Okay, my camera is right

in my purse on the chair.

All right.

Okay, you go over there. Okay.

I'll do the middle.

Come on.

Take the picture. We can't keep up these phony smiles forever.

Well, you're all pretty good at it.

You sure fooled me.