Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

You're finished sorting the fan mail, Mary? Yeah, just about, Ted.

Here's another one for you from the Salvation Army.

Oh, how much are you asking them for, Ted?

Oh, I see Murray's got a flower just like Mary's. Yeah, my daughter gave it

me.

See?

It smells just like summer when I was a kid.

It's plastic, Ted.

I know, it smells just like my old beach ball.

Did you know that Ted suggested that because of the gas shortage that we

carpool? Well, that's not a bad idea.

Well, we'd need two cars.

You, Gordy, Lou, and I would go in one.

Ted would go in the other.

Well, here's a letter for you, Murr. For me?

Well, I never get any mail. How can it be for me? I don't know. Well, it can't

be for me. How can it be for me?

Dear Murray Slaughter. I still say it's not for me.

I've never written a letter like this before.

Oh, Murr, you've got a family.

It can't be for me.

There's a lot of us out here who realize that Ted Baxter only reads the words,

but that somebody with a rare point of view is actually writing them.

It's not for me.

However, we know it takes a twisted, perverted, pinko rat like you to write

It's for me.

Uh, Mr. Grant, don't forget you have that meeting with Mr. Finch at one o

'clock. Right.

Well, it's one o 'clock now.

Mary, every time I have to go off for a production meeting with the production

director, I have to sit there for ten minutes while he tries to impress me

long -distance phone calls to Milwaukee.

Yeah, well, this is a pretty important meeting, though.

Oh, I know it is, Mary. For you.

It's your idea to have a Sunday afternoon talk show, not mine.

I'm just going up there to hear him say yes or no.

Well, it's a terrific idea, and if Finch has any taste at all, he's got to like

it. Finch?

Taste?

He's the guy who scheduled reruns of My Mother the Car at 7 o 'clock so he'd

have something to watch while he ate.

Mr. Grant, it's after 1.

Mary, there's nothing to be nervous about.

He's either going to love your idea or he's going to say it stinks.

You see, man, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Well, he's right, you know. I mean, it really doesn't matter.

If he likes the idea, then I'll produce my own show. If he doesn't like it, I

won't. Doesn't matter.

I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

Sitting here at my same little desk, earning my same little money.

Murr, it matters.

Newsroom. Oh, yeah, Jill. He's on his way up now.

How could he cancel it?

Oh.

Oh?

Oh!

Yes, well, just send Mr. Grant down when he gets there. No, no, no, I'll tell

him myself.

Jill? You are a wonderful secretary. Bye. What happened?

Well, Mr. Finch had to cancel the meeting, but he left word to go ahead

one show just to see how it works out. Murray, I'm going to produce my own

Mary, that's great.

Congratulations. Oh.

Well, Murray, I just hope I do a good job. Are you going to be fine? You

think so? I know so.

Finch wasn't there.

Why are you smiling at me?

Mary, don't get cute.

I hate cuteness.

Cuteness is not one of my favorite things.

Mr. Finch approved the idea. At least we're going to do a pilot.

Mr. Grant, I'm a producer.

Oh,

congratulations, Mary.

Well, you don't seem very happy for me.

Mary, I've been a producer for a long time, and I know something.

Yeah, they lowered the temperature at the store again today.

It was so cold, Mayor.

A guy sprained his back testing a frozen water bed.

Hey, listen.

I got some great news today.

What? Rhoda, the program director wants to do my show.

What show?

Remember that Sunday afternoon talk show idea I came up with?

I'm usually such an emotional person.

Can you imagine this? I'm not excited over this news.

Rhoda, what's wrong?

Nothing.

So, they're using your idea for a show, huh?

Hey, come on. What is it?

Okay, ma 'am. You've obviously forgotten.

But the idea for the Sunday afternoon talk show was mine.

Yours? Mine.

Rhoda! I don't think so.

Come on, Rhoda, I remember exactly how it came up. Remember it was that Sunday

afternoon, you and I were sitting around wondering what we were going to do, and

I said something like, gee, I wish there were a way to find out what's going on

in this city. And I suppose you don't remember how I then said something like,

why don't you do a show about it? It could be an hour on Sunday afternoons

various locations.

You could do celebrity interviews and features on what's happening around the

Twin Cities, art exhibits, restaurant tips, that sort of thing.

Well, you know, Rhoda, I can't be expected to remember everything.

I mean, my mind is not a tape recorder.

Or maybe it is, and you accidentally erased that part of the tape.

Oh, Rhoda, I feel just awful. I stole your idea.

Oh, come on. Listen, you didn't do it on purpose.

You know what?

We could work on the show together.

It's just one show.

You could help me nights and on weekends.

You mean it? Yeah.

Gee.

I don't know. That could be very exciting. It could. I mean, and you're

creative. That's the main thing.

Oh, Mary, what do I know about television? I mean, I'm a window

Rhoda. Maybe.

I don't know. Come on. You've got to have some ideas about what you'd like to

see on television.

Yeah, I do.

Just once, I would love to see the man from GLAAD stuff Mrs. Olsen into a giant

baguette.

Just a minute. Mm -hmm.

Um, I don't exactly know how to tell you this, but Rhoda and I were talking

about the new Sunday talk show, and, well, you'll never guess what I did.

I mean, we discovered the darndest thing, you know?

Just incredible.

If you had a million years, you would never guess. Mary, don't make me guess.

don't want to guess.

that the idea for the show, that I

appropriated it from Rhoda.

Appropriated? Yes, it's a word.

Yeah, I know it's a word.

Appropriate. It means to steal. Yes, and I cannot produce a show that I

appropriately stole. I use other people's ideas all the time.

How many times have I taken credit for terrific ideas you've come up with?

Well, uh... Okay, bad example.

That's because you haven't come up with that many terrific ideas.

The point is, that's the business.

But the point is that Rhoda is my friend, and I can't take all the credit

the show.

All right, okay, look.

If it'll make you feel any better, we'll throw her name up on the screen every

week. Created by Rhoda, the window dresser.

Mr. Grant, I would really like Rhoda to work on the show with me. How does she

know about television?

Well... Not having been in television could be a plus.

She still has her ideals.

Mary, people who still have their ideals don't stand a chance in television.

Mr. Grant, I really... Wait a minute. What am I arguing with you for? You're

producer. You want Rhoda, you got her. Hey, terrific.

Mr. Grant, thank you.

Yeah, listen, Mary, about this show, there's one thing I'd like you to

you'll do for me. Yeah, sure, what?

Don't mention it to me again.

Did you ask him? Yes.

And? He said, okay.

Fantastic. Isn't that great?

Rhoda, don't. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

I guess just thank you, Lucrette, for being really terrific.

And will you hear the ideas I have for this show? First of all, the house.

They've got to be really good.

Rhoda, they've got to have a strong... Tell her!

about the show. He doesn't want to know about it. He doesn't want to hear about

it. Really? Really. So let's you and I go talk about the hosts.

Oh, hold it. Hold it. Come back here.

Before I never want to hear about it again, there's one thing I forgot to

you. Finch wants Ted and Sue Ann Nivens as the hosts.

What?

You mean Ted and the happy homemaker?

Oh, no, Mr. Grant. Why?

Oh, because we've got them. They're under contract.

We've got to have other people under contract, too.

Oh, sure.

You want to use Chuckles the Clown and Uncle Oompa the Polka Prince?

Welcome to television, Rhoda.

to be just wonderful working with you.

Mary, there's something different about your apartment.

No, I think it's the same as it was the last time you saw us. Oh, no, no, no.

Now, don't you try to fool me. There's something different about this room. No,

not at all. Ah, there it is.

You have a hole in your couch.

to take notes of the meeting.

Oh, you take shorthand, huh? Well, I can do 115 words a minute.

Right, so if you don't talk fast enough for her, you just let us know.

Come on in. Oh, my co -star. How are you, Sue Ann?

Oh, it's going to be so wonderful working with you.

I know, I know.

Well, shall we all get started?

Oh, Ted, Sue Ann wants to sit there.

Listen, everybody, before...

to say one thing. I am brand new to this business, and I know I got a lot to

learn. So for this meeting, I'm just going to, you know, sit back, shut up,

watch the pros in action. That's very wise of you.

You did that, Georgette, very... I got it.

Okay, now, Rhoda and I have drawn up some tentative formats dealing with the

various departments on the show.

Oh.

Bad start, Mary.

Why? Well, the cover says talk the town with Sue Ann Nivens and Ted Baxter.

So?

I'm bigger than she is.

It seems a silly waste of time to worry about whose name

goes first.

Well, then, as long as Sue Ann doesn't mind, we'll just change the names. Over

my dead body.

Sue Ann, you don't mean to say your name goes before mine.

Sue Ann is to laugh.

Did you get that, Georgia?

Ha, ha, ha.

Sue Ann, if you think I want to take second, Billy.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you what. Here's what we'll do. Ted, at the beginning of

the show, your name will go first. And Sue Ann, your name can go first at the

end of the show.

Now, let's talk about what goes in between the beginning and the end, shall

That's a great way you handle that.

Okay, now, Rhoda and I thought that... Since Sue Ann is a gourmet cook, we

to devote one segment to restaurant reviews.

That's a marvelous idea.

Well, I could do that, too, you know. It'd be good for my image.

And let the public know that I'm a real person.

Someone who eats food just like them.

Well, Ted, Sue Ann is an expert cook.

But I know restaurants, Mary.

Don't I, Georgette? Oh, yes.

Just the other night, he warned me not to order the halibut at the bus station.

to do the restaurant reviews.

Now, about the opening of the show.

Oh, hold it, Mary. I had some thoughts about that myself. I thought we could

open a show by doing some biographical sketches on me and Sue Ann.

Biographical sketches?

Oh, yeah, you know, tell the Ted Baxter story.

The story of a little boy huddled up to an old radio listening in rapture to

Lowell Thomas and thinking, someday, someday, someday that'll be Ted Baxter

saying... This is Lowell Thomas saying so long until tomorrow.

Well, of course, instead of Lowell Thomas, I'd say, this is Ted Baxter

long until tomorrow.

Did you get all that, Georgette? I got it.

You did, really, all of it?

Yes, this is Lowell Thomas saying so long until tomorrow. Of course, instead

Lowell Thomas, I'd say this is Ted... And then as soon as Ted finished with

biography, I could do mine.

How... At only six years old, a frightened but darling child named

Sue Ann Niven won a baby talent contest impersonating Shirley

Temple.

Oh,

that's terrific, Sue Ann. Sit down.

Now, listen, everybody. I know I promised before that I wasn't going to

anything. But I think that at this point, right here, I have something

to contribute.

And that is, I hope you'll understand, that idea about the biographical

sketches? Really dumb.

What did you say?

That idea about the biographical sketch is really dumb.

I know what she said, Georgette.

Rather a strong word, isn't it? Well, I think what Rhoda means... I don't care

what Rhoda means, Mary.

Come on, Georgette. We're walking.

Just a second, Jim.

Come on, Georgette. We're walking.

Those meetings like this often get off to a rocky start. But, you know, I think

by Monday, when we have our production meeting, that we'll have a better idea

the direction that our show will be taking.

Don't you?

Come in.

Mr. Grant, I have to talk to you about a problem with the Sunday show.

Larry, I told you, I don't want to have anything to do with that show. Mr.

Grant, will you please... just listen to me. I mean, it isn't every day that I

walk in here and give you an ultimatum.

You're going to give me an ultimatum? Yes, an ultimatum.

Kind of.

Mr. Grant, either Sue Ann and Ted go, or Rhoda and I go.

Well, I guess if it comes down to a choice between two bright

and energetic people like you and Rhoda...

Or a couple of meatballs like Ted and Sue Ann.

I'd have to go with them.

Why? Because Finch wants them and that's it.

So, you gonna quit?

No.

Good. Mary, let me give you a piece of advice.

The one thing you as a producer cannot do is to let Ted and Sue Ann think

you're afraid of them.

If they smell fear, you're a goner. They go right for your eyes.

Look, have you tried being brutal?

Oh, Mr. Grant, I'm not the brutal type.

Well, you know, sometimes when I want to frighten Ted, I give him a look like

this.

See? It really scares him. Maybe you could try that.

No, Mr. Grant, it won't work for me. It works for you because there's something

about you that scares people.

Thank you.

Look, it's my problem. It's not yours. But, boy, I'm just sorry I ever thought

of the idea in the first place.

You mean appropriate.

Look on your face. I'd say that Ted and Sue Ann are still in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you and Rhoda are out. No, no, no, no,

no. We're still in.

Mary. Can I give you a little advice on how to handle Ted and Sue Ann? Yes,

please. Anything.

Flatter them. Butter them up.

With people like that, you've got to do that sometimes to get what you want. No,

Murray, that's not me.

I'd rather lose the show than butter those two up.

Mary? Mary?

Oh, yes.

Let's not beat around the bush. Let's get right to the point.

Tell us, Sue Ann.

Mary, we want Rhoda off the show.

All? The show?

I've been reading some of the notes George had took at the meeting, Mayor.

You know the word dumb was used five times?

No, I don't like that word, Mayor.

Some people don't like the color green. I don't like the word dumb.

I don't know what it is about that word that rubs me the wrong way. I just don't

like it. It must be the same reason I don't like the word bald.

You're simply going to have to tell Lou that either Rota leaves the show Or we

go. That's right.

Okay, wait. Look, I've got to be honest here.

I mean, I'm not the kind of person who will butter people up. You know, it's

just not me.

But I know what open -minded and fair people we

both are.

Mary, I'm tough.

All right, tough, yes, but good tough.

The best kind of tough there is, because you're fair tough.

I mean, Sue Ann, you just ask anyone here at the station, and they will all

that the beautiful thing about you is the way you have of working with people.

Do they? Oh, they don't. They do, they do, Sue Ann. I'm kind of tough, too, you

know.

But every time I mention your name, the one thing that Rhoda always says...

about you is besides of course how really talented you are is how patient

and tolerant you are of the people who work under you well i look at it this

you gotta be nice to the people you meet on the way up before they do it to you

Do you even understand the inexperience of a newcomer who was just trying to do

the best darn job she could for you guys?

Well, all right. We'll give Rhoda another chance.

Don't say it.

Mary, you know, I heard that whole thing with Ted and... Sue Ann,

let me tell you something.

I've been a producer for many years.

And believe me, I've had to do a lot of things that I never wanted to do either.

But Mary, I've never sunk as low as that.

my lesson. I'm going to be the soul of tax, okay? You don't have to overdo it

anything, but a little diplomacy wouldn't hurt. Gotcha.

Mary, I'm going to be so good, you won't believe it.

Hi, here we are again.

Sue Ann.

Ted, hello.

I'm so glad we worked everything out. And aren't you looking lovely?

Thank you.

Say, Mary, Sue Ann and I came up with a terrific finish for the show.

And wrote a...

We both loved the idea.

Look, why don't we talk about the end of the show when we get to the end of the

show. Right now, I'd like to talk about the beginning.

Now, Rhoda and I thought that... That won't be necessary, dear. We've already

written an opening monologue.

A monologue? Yeah.

Tell some jokes. Get some humor into this thing.

Jokes. Read the introduction, Georgette.

And now the stars of our show, the one and only Ted Baxter and Sue Ann Nivens.

Thank you very much for that wonderful reception.

You know, I haven't heard so much applause since I was held up and spanked

baby.

Ted, do you believe the prices of food these days?

Meat is getting so high, it's cheaper to eat money.

But what a beautiful spring day it is today. In fact, it's so beautiful today,

heard that Ironsides decided to walk to work.

Okay, look, Sue Ann, Ted, want to come down?

can't open a show like that. Why? Rhoda loves it. Don't you, Rhoda?

No.

What? Ted, it's awful.

It's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

There's that word again.

That settles it. I want her fired.

And that goes for me, too. Okay, well, now listen, you two. I'm going to tell

you something. If Rhoda goes, I go.

You know somebody we can get?

Of course. How hard can it be to find a producer? Right.

You know, you and I... I could do this thing ourselves. Hey, that's a good

Who needs producers anyway?

That's not that much of a job.