Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Morning,

Murray. Oh, Mary, come here. Look at this review your documentary got.

You're kidding. The paper reviewed my show? What does it say?

I tuned in to WJM TV last night to see a typically dull documentary about chimps

at the Como Park Zoo. Oh, Murray.

You work for a month on a show and then some writer from... Instead, I was

treated to a fascinating, informative, and fast -moving half -hour narrated by

anthropologist Margaret Kellogg.

We give producer Mary Richards four stars. Four stars. Murray, they never

four stars. That's right. The best Ted ever got was three lemons.

Hey, I love Murray. They mentioned you, too.

I know.

Credit for the outstanding writing on the show goes to Muriel Slaughter.

My mother would be so pleased.

She always wanted a girl.

Congratulations, Mary.

Thank you, Mr. Grant.

You, too, Muriel.

terrific show last night. Oh, thanks, Lou. I'll remind you when it's time for

race.

I was speaking to Mary, Ted.

Oh? What do you mean? You said, terrific show last night, and it's my new show,

not Mary's, mine.

So it'd be perfectly natural for me to say, thank you.

Ted, we were talking about another show. It's a little show that Murray and I

worked on about chimps at the zoo.

How come I didn't know anything about it?

Oh, well, Margaret Kellogg did the narration.

Well, how come I didn't do it?

Why didn't I get it? Because we thought about it then.

No, it's just that Dr.

Kellogg has written books about chimps and speaks brilliantly and was available

to do the show. So, you know, we figured that to have you do it instead of her

would be...

Richard, a celebrity.

Oh, Matt. Oh, Matt. Mary, this is quite some write -up.

Famous kid.

It is a nice review.

How come you're so calm about it? If it had been me, I would have rushed out and

bought 20 copies to send to everybody I know. Ah, well, you see, that's the

difference between you and me, Rhoda.

I only bought 10 copies.

Hey, looks like we both had big days. Yeah?

That was a hint, Mary. I mean, you're supposed to ask me what kind of a big

I had.

Now, I've seen him a lot around the store.

You can't miss him. He's so gorgeous. Yeah?

But I never got to know him.

So here he is, sitting across the table from me.

And we're really talking, ma 'am.

I'm just at ease. I'm kidding around, just like I'm talking to you now.

But without the feet up, of course.

He starts laughing at the things I'm saying, right? Only the good stuff,

he's selective.

And it turns out that we like a lot of the same things. Yeah? Like what?

Well, like he likes Mel Brooks, which, of course, I do.

And he likes Neil Diamond, which, of course, I do.

And sailing, which, of course, well, I could learn to since I've never sailed,

but I know I would.

And then we breathe through lunch and finally arrive at that awkward, you

is he going to say it or not thing.

Say what or not thing? You know, Mary, something like, uh, how about getting

together later for a drink? Or at the very least, I certainly hope our paths

cross again within the span of our lifetimes.

But, Mayor?

Nothing. Well, Ruda, he'll probably call you tonight.

No, I'm not his type. I'm not his type. Oh, Ruda.

Why is it any time you meet a guy and it could turn out to be a real

relationship, you start inventing reasons why he's not going to like you?

do go out with are in some way... I don't know how to put it. Pheebs. That's

word.

Pheebs. Like the last guy.

Arnie. Arnie the exterminator.

He used to pick you up in that van with a picture of the bug lying on his back.

Feet up in the air and a wreath on his chest. It was disgusting.

Look, exterminating is an honorable profession.

Okay, alright. It's not just a job.

it'll lend him money. Just until termite season.

It's true, Mary. Those guys may not be perfect or even second rate, but when

they drop me, I'm thrilled.

That is so dumb.

So what do you suggest I do? Well, I know what I would do if I'd met Doug

Hemple. I would try to run into him at the store and then I would say, would

like to have lunch with me?

I'll do it. Good.

Hi, Doug.

Would you like to have lunch with Mary?

Morning, Murray.

Morning, Lou.

You got any donuts left?

No, this is the only one.

I'd give it to you, Lou, but I'm really hungry. I didn't have any breakfast this

morning. I didn't have any breakfast either.

Not only that, I skipped dinner last night.

Me too.

How big a lunch did you have?

Soup and crackers.

You got it.

Good morning.

Good morning. Mary, I just ran into the station manager.

He said he liked your chimp show so much that he wants to rerun it next month

sometime. Hey, terrific.

Congratulations.

Hey, thanks.

You too.

And he wants you to come up with some promos for it, you know, to help

it. Yeah, sure. Well, I'll get on that right away. Wow.

Now that you're getting recognition, there are things I could ask you to do

before that I can't ask you now.

Like when you started here, I remember you used to bring me a jelly donut every

morning.

You know?

Yeah, I know.

It just wouldn't be right now, you know. I wouldn't dream of asking you.

I wouldn't expect you to.

Hey, I wouldn't even want you to.

Come to work, and I walk into the office, and there it'd be on my desk,

sitting there on a little sheet of white paper.

One raspberry jelly donut.

Or sometimes a strawberry jelly.

Always was red, I remember.

Poor Lou.

What a year.

First his wife moves out, and now he's lost his donuts.

Don't make me say.

Okay. Because if I say, well, it'll only hurt your feelings. Yeah, okay, Ted.

I mean, everybody wants people to like what they do, and if I said, it'd make

you feel bad, so don't make me say.

Okay, I understand, Ted. Okay. I hate it.

You finally dragged it out of her.

Now that you've finished your personal call in the office, I'll tell you

why I didn't like your show, Mary. It's only fair.

Oh, gee, Ted, I don't think it's necessary for you to be so fair.

Oh, I didn't mind all that footage about the mother monkey and the father

monkey. I mean, I'm open -minded about that sort of thing. After all, they're

only animals.

But that Kellogg lady you hired, the way she pronounced some of the words, Mary.

Ted, she's English.

English?

Well, I think when those people are here, the least they can do is make an

effort to sound normal.

I'll tell her, too. Oh, and another thing, Mary.

It's easy to get good reviews when you use animals in shows.

And everybody thinks they're so cute, that they're such great actors.

Lassie, they stick a pebble in his paw to make him limp.

And everybody says, oh, poor Lassie hurt his little paw.

I'd like to see one of those animals do what I do.

I'd like to see your chimp doing the news.

Isn't it wonderful that he trusts me so much that he'd say something like that

in front of me?

That he trusts me enough to say, I'd like to see one of your chimps doing the

news. That he thinks that I wouldn't say so...

Maybe you got the wrong idea about what I was talking about earlier.

You mean about the jelly donuts?

Yeah, yeah, the jelly donuts.

Well, I just want to make it clear to you that I no longer expect you to walk

all the way down to the Mr. Donut shop and stand in line just to get me a jelly

donut. Well, Mr. Grant, I never did that. I used to just pick up the phone

have them delivered.

That's all?

How many do you want?

Three is sorted.

Here, come on in.

Which one do you want?

Oh, great, thanks.

Hey, place looks different.

Oh, yes, it's Doug's been coming over, Mary. I decided to fix up a little.

Who am I kidding? I went into Hock getting new stuff.

Rug, that, they cover it, and the chandelier. I love it.

Listen, I wanted to make it, you know, a little more romantic. Yeah.

Even took the light bulb out of my refrigerator, put in a candle. Hey,

you look absolutely wonderful.

Oh, Mary.

Do you believe it? It's Rhoda Morgenstern getting ready to go out with

she likes, someone she really likes.

Oh, Rhoda, it's been great so far, huh?

Mary, it's been, listen, it's so, I don't know, it's hard to verbalize. I

we're just so compatible in so many ways, including everything.

I mean, Mary, I'm so, can I say it? What?

I keep imagining the whole thing in my mind, you know.

Him taking me to meet his mother.

Me taking him to meet my mother.

Listen, Rhoda, I really, I think it's just great that you feel this way. And I

don't want to put any kind of a damper on anything, you know. But listen, it's

only been a week. I mean, don't you think you ought to slow down a little

He's there. He's here, Mary. He's at the door right now.

Listen, please like him.

Rhoda!

Ready? Yeah, but listen, there's someone in here I want you to meet. Come in for

just a second. Okay.

Mary Richards, Doug Campbell.

Hi, Mary. Hello, Doug.

Or do I introduce you the other way around? I never know who to say first.

Whatever you said sounded just great.

Hey, the play starts in about 20 minutes. Okay. I guess we'd better get

So long. Oh, see you again, Mary. Thank you. It was nice meeting you. Bye.

Doug, why don't you go on ahead? I'll be right down. I forgot something. Okay,

sure. Okay.

Do you like him? You like him, I can tell. Good.

I like him, but will you just go slow?

Right, right, right. I'm not going to push things, promise.

But, Mary... I can just picture my mother's wedding invitation.

Mr. and Mrs. Martin Morgenstern are relieved to announce the...

Their eldest living daughter wrote a saying.

To Mr.

Douglas Collier Hempel, yes.

of Hempel's department store who's not near good enough for her.

Okay.

I'm going to tell you the truth. I feel a little embarrassed talking to a plant,

you know.

But people say that it's good for you, and, well, I certainly don't want to

any chances with your health.

So, um...

Well, enjoy the new pot.

It's a lot roomier than the old one, as you know.

And, well, I don't know what else to say to you except just relax, enjoy the

apartment, and try to grow up and be big and strong, okay?

I'll try, Aunt Mary.

You little devil, you're getting very good at that.

Listen, you should hear the talks I have with white plants upstairs.

A little one -sided, admittedly.

You're going to have to sit this one down soon and tell it about the birds

bees. Yes, yes. But I'm going to lead up to that one slowly. I'm going to start

by telling it about men and women.

Men and women. Good subject, ma 'am. Glad you brought it up. How is Doug,

anyway? Merry.

Oh, merry.

Well, that answers that, doesn't it? Tell me everything.

Oh.

You know, something wonderful happens during the day. I can't wait to rush to

him and tell him.

And I say to myself, this is it.

This is what having somebody really means.

You want to run and tell them the good things.

And then something crummy happens.

And I want to run to them and tell them about it. And I say, oh, I see. It's

this, too.

Want to share the crummy things as well.

Oh, love that. Incredible.

It makes me feel so good to see you like this.

Hey, Mary, do you really like him? Yeah, I really do.

What is he?

What? Tell me what he is.

everything he is. Well, you know what I mean. Say, like, you know, he's witty,

he's bright, you know, stuff like that. Come on. Tell me. You only met him a

couple of times. Oh, come on, Mary. Be a friend.

All right.

Just winging it, then, off the top of my head. I would say he is sensational.

Yeah. He is. You're right. He is sensational.

That's why I wrote him this letter.

Now, Mary, I have never done anything like this in my life.

But I sat down to write it, and these fantastic thoughts came to me. It's the

best letter I ever wrote.

Would you read it out loud so I can hear what it sounds like? Sure.

Dear Mr.

Hempel.

Mr. Hempel? I want to start with a joke. Not too funny. I could change it.

There are so many things I want to say to you, but when I'm with you, the words

just stick in my throat.

So I'm writing this letter. That's terrible. I hate it. It's really hokey.

mean, uh -uh.

I'll change that or take that out, but go ahead. Ever since I've known you,

wanted to tell you how I feel about you, but I didn't want to say anything until

I knew how you felt about me. I'm not sure what that means. What does that

Well, I'll rewrite that section.

Keep reading there.

So how do you feel about me? Check one.

A, mad about you.

B, mildly infatuated. C, moved, left no forwarding address.

That's high school. That's really so high school.

Rhoda. Rhoda Faye.

It doesn't matter what the letter says.

The important thing is that you don't send the letter at all.

Rhoda, you're going to scare him off. It's only been two weeks.

I mean, you're still at that isn't it incredible that we both love Chinese

stage.

Yeah. Don't want to scare him off, huh? Right.

I see. The terrible thing you should tell another human being I love you. No,

Rhoda, not at all.

Okay, one question.

When is not too soon?

You'll know.

Something will tell you. I doubt that, Mary. I wanted to say it when we were

introduced.

So, listen.

I won't send the letter to Doug.

I owe my mother a letter. It's a little weird, but...

The chimp overslept. Oh.

Well, I'll get out of the studio and tell them we'll shoot the promo for your

chimp show in 15 minutes. Okay.

Mary.

Rona! Yeah, I left work early because I'm planning this big dinner for Doug

tonight. If you've got a minute, I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, sure.

Come on in Mr. Grant's office. He won't be back for a few minutes.

Mary, please, don't try to talk me out of it, okay, please?

Just, I know you're right and everything, but don't try to change my

right? Rhoda, what is this?

Tonight, I'm going to ask Doug how he feels.

Mary, Dr.

Kellogg and Hugo are here to see you. Okay, thank you. I'll be right out.

Rhoda, listen, I'm going to go, but you know, don't you, that I'm right about

not rushing things?

Yeah, I do know that, Mary.

Kid, you're right. It's the best way to handle it.

In the back of my mind, I know Mary is right. Okay, good.

But in the front of my mind...

I'll go crazy if I don't ask him.

Rhoda, listen, I've got to go. There's a chimp waiting for me. But listen, I'll

talk to you tonight, all right? And in the meantime, please don't do anything,

okay? Okay. I've got to go do this chimp thing. Here you go. Thank you.

Hello, Dr.

Kellogg. Hello, Mary. I'd like you to meet Rhoda Morgenstern.

Oh, how do you do? Hello, Doctor.

There are only two N's in banana.

Oh, right.

Of course. Nice to meet you. Now, just go check and make sure everything's

in the studio.

And this is Hugo.

Hugo? Oh, you remember.

He's the little fellow that wouldn't eat for two days when his grandmother died.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.

Oh, he's doing... He's doing much better now.

Hugo, say hello to Mr. Grant.

Mr. Grant.

That's okay. He doesn't have to say hello.

Come on now, Hugo. Shake hands with Mr.

Grant. No, it's okay, Hugo.

Lou, maybe if you put your hand out first.

Right.

What do you say, Hugo?

He usually doesn't take to people until he's known them for a bit.

Say, Murr, I can't understand this last... Wait a minute.

I want you to... Listen, please, Doug.

It's all right. Really, everything's fine.

I just asked you during the Waltons to tell me exactly how you felt.

Before you had a chance to tell me, I told you.

You said nothing wrong, honest, Doug.

Nothing at all.

The only thing wrong is that now you think I'm crying over what you said.

And what I'm crying about is the Waltons. That show was bad.

I mean...

And I cried so hard when John Boy died.

John Boy didn't die.

How could he die? He's the star of the show.

So his innocence died.

Something, I don't know. Something died up there. I mean, I saw it on the show.

His frog died.

Something. What do you think? I always carry on like this.

Rhoda, listen.

Let's get together for lunch tomorrow and talk some more. I want to talk about

this. I think it's important.

Sure.

Wait, Doug.

Please, I'm not this sophisticated.

Hi.

Hi.

Mary, you know my friend, Doug Hample? Hi, Mary.

Hi, Doug.

Small world, huh?

Well, we will talk about it, won't we?

Sure. Listen, Doug, I am okay.

Really. I just don't think I'll be in tomorrow.

Really, I just can't.

You can dock me if you want, but I can't come in tomorrow.

Rhoda, listen, I'm not going to dock you. Oh, good.

Perhaps you'll punch in for me.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Right. Good.

Hi. What's new?

You want to come inside?

Yeah.

Rhoda, what happened?

Doesn't hear bells.

That's the expression he used.

Oh, he says, Rody, you're great, you're this, you're that.

But he doesn't hear bells.

Who's he been dating? Avon ladies?

Yeah, Mary, actually, when you get right down to it, I don't know how I could be

this hurt over a guy who would use such a corny expression.

Why is it that people can't be open with each other?

Why do the honest people always get clobbered? Why does it always rain after

wash your car?

In about six months, you'll be able to look back on this and realize that

gained something from it. Yeah, probably about ten pounds.

If only you didn't have to wait the six months. If we could just figure out now

what was good about it.

I know one good thing, Mayor. What?

You know all those other times with those other guys when it didn't work

Well, notice this time that I'm being not loved.

It's by a better class of guy.

Another good thing.

You know that love letter that I wrote to Doug and I didn't send? I sent it to

my mother.

She called me from New York this morning and she told me that letter made her

the happiest mother in the whole world.

for my show is coming on right after this commercial.

Oh, what promo?

The one that Ted did with the chimp.

You're kidding. I thought Ted wouldn't have anything to do with your show.

Well, that's true, but see, Mr. Grant explained to him how it would be good

his image if he helped promote a cultural, intellectual show like ours.

did you have to pay him? $50.

Really went very well. See, they let the tape run a little bit longer so that,

well, you see. Ah, it's coming on now.

This is Ted Baxter saying stay tuned to WJM for Chimps.

And what they can teach us.

Perfect.

Now let's do one more. And before we start, would someone straighten his tie,

please?