Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Walter Cronkite.

What a break.

From Ted Baxter to Walter Cronkite.

Makes you believe there is a life after death, doesn't it?

Hi, guys. What's up?

Oh, we're just giving a little going -away party for Josh.

Oh, yes.

Going out to write for good old Cronky.

Anyway, I just hope Josh remembers he's no different than the rest of us. I

mean, he takes his pants off one leg at a time, just like me. The only

difference is you try to get yours off over your head.

It's like losing my own son.

Josh, your little lug, I'm going to miss you.

I'm not Josh.

Oh, of course you're not.

You're, uh, you're, uh... Pete.

No, no, that's not it.

I'll think of it.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Wes. How are you? Good to see you. Good to see you. How have you been? Hi.

Hi, Mary. Gee, I haven't seen you since you stopped writing for Chuckles.

Yeah, well, I had to quit.

It wasn't the writing so much, but when Chuckles made me zip Esther Duck into

her feather suit, you know, it just wasn't dignified. Oh, come on. You've

contributed a lot of very clever things to that show.

Like what?

Well, you've created the character of Maharishi Marshmallow.

Maharishi Marshmallow?

Isn't that the one that puts the gooey stuff all over his face, wears a turban,

and has that unnatural fear of cookouts? Yeah.

I was proud of him.

That's when I knew I had to quit.

Oh, just freelance writing.

Last month, I wrote a barbecue apron.

Maybe you saw it right in the front. It said, if you like it rare, you're too

late.

It's good to see you again. Yeah, it's good to see you.

Boy, I really missed you.

All.

And we all missed you, too.

Mary, I'm sorry I didn't call for a couple of months, but there was a good

reason. Oh, no, listen, Wes.

Look, maybe I should leave you two alone. Oh, that's all right, Mary. I can

this in front of you.

I was down, you know, feeling really down.

And when I'm down like that, I just don't feel right about going out with a

like you. You know, when I'm down, I have to go out with down women. You

low, really low women, you know, the kind of talkers.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Well, not that low.

Anyway, now with this job opening up and all... What job?

That's what I'm here for to see Lou about taking Josh McBride's place.

Oh, Wes, that's great. I'll go put a good... word in for you. Hey, Mary, I

want you to put in a good word for me. I want you to beg for me.

But, Mayor, why would Lou hire a clown writer for 10? All obvious jokes aside.

I really think that Wes is going to be just fine.

Come on, Mayor.

You can't like the idea of working alongside a guy you used to date.

Okay, and you want to know why?

It makes me feel guilty.

Guilty?

He never had anything really serious going. No, I didn't, but he did.

And I just feel guilty knowing that he likes me more than I like him. You know,

and it's going to be that way every day. Him liking me more than I like him. And

that's the thing. I feel so guilty when I'm the one who feels less.

Me too.

It's terrible.

Although it sure beats being the other one.

You know, Mary, I once worked with a guy that I had previously dated. A

disaster.

I swore, never again.

Both of us got driven crazy.

I mean, how would you like somebody going through your mail, listening in on

your phone calls?

I'd hate it.

So did he.

Hi, Mary.

Wes, hi.

Hi, Rhoda. Hi, Wes.

Congratulations. I heard you got the job.

Thanks.

Are you ready to go?

Go where?

To work. I thought we'd drive to work together.

Oh, well, sure. That would be fun.

For today.

No, we can do it every day. I don't mind. Just a few miles out of my way.

Oh, well, I don't think we'd want to do it every day.

Why? How come?

Well, because like today at my lunch hour, I was going to use my car.

I was going to use it to... Well, you can use mine for that.

And then after work, I thought I'd do a little shopping. You know, probably

spend hours looking for dresses.

Oh, I'll take you shopping.

Watching you try on clothes, I can't think of a better evening than that.

Mary, wait. Not so fast there. Remember, you promised me to pick me up after you

finish your shopping because I have to bring home that giant 40 -pound cactus

tonight?

This is true, and, Wes, you only have the two seats in your car, so... You're

not just making all this up so you won't have to drive to work with me, are you?

Oh, no. No, Wes.

No. Well, uh,

I'll tell you... I'll put the top down and then put the back seat down, and

we'll wedge the cactus in there, and Rhoda can sit on your lap.

You ready?

Well, then, I'll see you tonight.

One question. Where am I going to find a 40 -pound cactus?

Say, Mayor, can you proof this for me, please? Let me give that to Mary. Oh,

fine. There you are, Mayor.

Thank you.

No, no, I just thought I'd stretch the old legs and say hi.

I'll let you get back to work.

You thought about where you'd like to have lunch today?

Oh, no, I hadn't.

There's this great Chinese place down the street I thought... Oh, good, that

sounds fine.

I've got to finish this.

No, you're in the middle.

Of course, if you like Italian food, there's a brand new... On the other

great new Greek place there, so I... What do you think?

Whatever you want.

Well, I'll decide.

Suppose I just narrow it down to three.

Say, Wes, you know, it might be a lot easier if you and I trade desks.

Oh, don't be silly, Murray.

I mean, after all that's your desk, you've been there for a long time. I'm

you wouldn't want to give it up, would you?

is this I'm so happy about the new job and all.

Oh, Wes, I'm glad you're here.

I'd like to give you one or two little hints to make it easier for you to write

for me. Sure.

First, in the field of foreign news, try to avoid countries and politicians

whose names are impossible to pronounce.

Last night, some joker gave me a story about Ethiopia.

I had to pronounce that guy's name. You know, the guy that's king of it or

something? Haile Selassie? Yeah, yeah, that's the guy.

Well, in the future, Try to avoid him.

As a matter of fact, just avoid Ethiopia. Nobody cares about it anyway.

Don't worry, I've gone over this three times. I can't find any mistake.

Oh, that's okay.

Ted will find it.

Oh, Wes.

Wes, I heard you were here. I gotta talk to you. Oh, hi, Chuck. Mary, you know

Chuck is the clown. Oh, yeah. Hi, Chuck. Look, Wes. Wes.

Look, I was in the middle of rehearsal.

And suddenly I realized I got big problems.

Look at this.

My idiot writers have got me swallowed up by Moby Pickle.

You know, he's the biggest gherkin in the world.

Two pages later... Two pages later, I escape. There's no gazinta, there's no

development, there's no big jokes, there's no motivation.

No clowns in the newsroom.

Sorry, Lou. This is important, Grant. Will you look at this? They got me,

Duck, and the Maharishi Marshmallow in this pickle. My heart goes out to you.

What's up?

Well, Chuckles is caught in this giant pickle and doesn't know how to get out.

Oh, yeah, I knew about that.

Come on. Come on, Wesley. How do we get out?

What if the pickle just says to them, I'm sick of this.

You've got ten seconds to get out of here.

A pickle would never say that.

I've got to get back to work, Chuck.

No, Wes, you're not going to leave me in there.

All right.

Do you have your little lunch bucket with you?

Oh, yeah, I never go anywhere without that.

All right, well, you reach in and put out like a pastrami sandwich and say,

know what would go good with this? A pickle.

And then that gives you the idea.

What idea?

Well, you eat your way out.

I eat my way out.

I think it'll work.

Oh, it's got to work.

Wait a second.

You're trying to tell me... that three people can eat that much pickle,

Look, it's a fantasy, Baxter. You're telling me that's why it's not real?

You want to know what's real?

Ratings are real.

Did you get a good look at last month's ratings?

Chuckles the Clown, 17.

The 6 o 'clock news, 6.

That's no fantasy.

Wait a minute, Clown.

Who are you calling a clown?

Well, if the shoe fits.

You think you're so hot?

Everybody here knows it. that Esther Duck's been carrying you for the last

years. You know what she was doing when I found her?

Nothing. You know what Murray was doing when I found him? He was a wino on Skid

Row begging for quarters.

Everybody knows you're the only guy on your show that struck out with Princess

Potato.

You go too far, Baxter.

Why, talk about Mr. Sensitive.

Well, I'm going to lunch.

Say, where's... Can you loan me a quarter for a bottle of muscatel?

Newsroom.

No, sorry, Mary isn't here right now. Who shall I say is calling?

Jim?

May I ask what this is in reference to?

Oh, I'm sorry. I happen to know she has a lunch date for today.

That's right, yeah.

Yeah, well, I'll tell her.

A guy named Jim.

I had a lunch date with him.

Well, that's all right. I told him you already had a date with me.

You know, Wes, I think we ought to have a little talk.

What about?

Well, Wes, you and I are going to be working together very closely. You know,

mean, I'm going to get personal phone calls. You'll get personal phone calls.

No, I don't take personal phone calls in the office, Mary.

Uh -huh. Well, what I'm trying to say, Wes, is that because we are working... I

understand. I understand, Mary.

Now you call this guy Jim back and tell him you'll have lunch with him.

Go ahead. Tell him you'll have lunch with him today.

You and I'll have dinner tonight.

Night, Jerry. Oh, Mayor, Wes asked me to tell you not to go. He wants to see you

first. He's down with Chuckles.

Seems that Chuckles is trapped in this giant cookie jar and Wes is trying to

figure a way out.

Boy, I wish I could figure a way out.

Oh, that thing with Wes is getting complicated, huh?

Oh, Murray, it's so mixed up.

I mean, I'm really glad that he's working here, you know, but the last

weeks he's been driving me right up the walls.

Well, maybe you ought to try talking to him about it. I can't.

Every time I do, he gets this hurt... sad look in his eyes, like when Bambi

his mother.

Oh, come on. You've always had trouble with that.

You can't be angry with anybody.

You're afraid to show anybody that you have any negative feelings about them.

You're a pushover, Mary, because people know you'll never be angry with them.

I do so get angry. Oh, come on. Let's just forget it.

You got some gum?

Yeah, I have gum, Murray.

you're always so sure that you're going to get mine.

Well, this time you are wrong, Murray.

Yes, I have gum. It is sugarless cherry.

Yes, Murray, sugarless...

Yeah, me too. You want to see me about something?

Hi. Hi.

Be right with you. All right.

Mary, I'll give you a couple of minutes and we'll go out and celebrate.

Celebrate? Yeah, well, I got this idea. I'm about to pitch to Lou and if he buys

it, well, we'll celebrate.

Maybe I ought to try it out on you first.

Now, if you don't like it, it'll ruin my confidence, so I go in there.

Wes, maybe I'll like it.

Well, I'd sure like to try it out on somebody.

Well... Okay, let me bounce it off you. But don't react.

I mean, don't react in any way. I mean, don't be like positive or negative. You

know, just like that. Okay. That way, if you don't like it, then I won't know,

and then I'll be fine when I go in there. I won't lose my confidence. All

All right.

Here's the idea.

Don't react.

My idea is to do the news show right from here.

You know, informal.

Everybody going about their job just like they do every day.

You know, like, for example, if a bulletin comes in, someone just takes it

and gives it to Ted.

He reads it on the air.

Just informal, like we do every day like that. And that's my idea.

And you hate it. I can tell by the look on your face you hate it. You think it's

a terrible idea. I can tell by the look on your face. What look on my face? Wes,

there was no look on my face. You said not to have a look on my face, and there

was none.

Yeah, but if you really liked it, you'd have had a look on your face. Wes, I did

like it. You didn't love it. Yes, I love it. Not a lot. Wes, you want to come in

now?

You know, I had this idea, but you might as well forget it. Mary hates it. You

should have seen the look on her face.

I deserved it, if I may say so myself.

You may say so yourself.

Oh, boy.

They say happiness doesn't last.

Well, I've been happy for three hours and 45 minutes ever since Lou said he

liked my idea.

I mean, he actually liked it. I told you he would.

I just can't believe we're going to do it.

Wes, I just wish you would realize your own terrificness.

I can't find my key.

Oh, forget your key. I want to talk to you. I feel so terrific, so confident

that, well, there's something I want to ask you.

Oh, Wes, why look for ways to bring yourself down?

I mean, you know, why bring up another subject? Why don't you just enjoy the

great thing that happened to you today? You know, instead of asking me some dumb

question. Oh, that question.

You think I'm going to ask that question, don't you? Well, I'm not going

you that question.

My question is a completely different question entirely.

My question is, will you marry me?

That was your question, too, wasn't it?

Oh, Wes.

You don't want to marry me, you don't have to marry me.

It won't be the first time someone didn't marry me, it won't be the last.

Boy, good old Wes Cowleson, everybody just wiped their feet on him. Oh, Wes,

do you always do this?

You go out of your way to make yourself miserable.

I don't think you even want to marry me anyway. I think you just asked me that

so I would say no so that you could feel miserable.

No psychology, I don't want to hear psychology.

It's not.

And I would love to stay here and chat with you two, but I have to go right

upstairs and finish it.

Well, are you through psychoanalyzing me, or can I go now? No, Wes, I think

should stay so that we can say whatever it is we have to say to each other. I am

now coming down the stairs again.

You look like a fool. I left my groceries in the car.

I am now coming down the stairs.

Wes, will you please come inside so that we can talk?

No, I'm going to go. I'm going to get out of here.

Hope I lose my job so I never have to see you again.

You want to know something?

You're the worst person I ever proposed to.

I am not discussing this. I am simply inserting my key into the lock and

goodnight, Rhoda.

Goodnight, Rhoda. Do you mind if I rush down the street and get him on the

rebound?

Yeah, wasn't it a terrific idea Wes had?

Hey, where is that son of a gun anyway, Mary? I don't know. I haven't seen him

all day.

All right, remember to just relax and be natural. Just pretend we're not even

here, right?

All right.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Wes.

Hi, Mary.

He's blonde.

Hey, Wes, that was a terrific idea you had. It's great for my image.

Best thing that could happen to me. It ain't gonna work.

What?

Nothing in my life works. Why should this work?

Luke, Luke, why is it going to work?

Don't worry, Ted. Don't worry.

It's going to work. It's going to work.

Why is it going to work?

Ask her. She thinks she knows everything.

It's going to work. It's a great idea.

Yeah, yeah. Come on, Wes. Come on. Just sit right down here.

Ted, we'll open on a shot of you working on story.

Then you'll swing around and look right into the camera.

And if you think of it, you might introduce some of the other people

and let the folks at home know who they are. Right. All right, two minutes,

everybody. I've got to go up to the booth now. Good luck. Two minutes.

your copy, Ted.

Ah, wait a minute.

What's this Dateline Ethiopia doing here?

I couldn't help it, Ted. There was an earthquake there. Is that King Guy's

in here?

Yes, it is. Well, then the heck with it.

You think you're so darn terrific, don't you, that everybody loves you? Well,

you're looking at one guy who doesn't. I'm picking that up in here, Wes. Five

seconds. Four, three, two, one.

Cue Ted.

Hi, Ted Baxter here, 6 o 'clock news.

If our set looks a little different tonight, it's because we're trying

a little different tonight.

We thought we'd bring you our show right from the newsroom to bring you the

excitement of the news as it happens.

I'd like you to meet some of the people behind the scenes.

This is our associate producer, Mary Richards.

Miss Legs in local TV.

If you can't see them now, you'll have to take my word for it.

Oh, here's Wes Kelson, one of our new guys.

But, as you can see, he's already made some good friends here, if you get what

mean. Right, Wes?

Look, Wes, why don't you go back to your desk and work on that story we were

discussing earlier, okay?

Sit down!

Lou Grant.

You want to come out and say hi to the folks, Lou?

No.

Come on out, you big lug. Don't be bashful.

I'd rather not.

I'm not going to wait till you say hi.

And now the headlines.

A major earthquake.

Mary, could I talk to you just for a minute?

Consumer prices rise again by a record high.

We're talking about the news, okay?

Teachers bill passed by city council. The president announces new plans to

inflation.

500 firefighters halt brush fire in Humboldt National Park.

That's the phone.

Hot news story coming in from one of our honesty WGM reporters. You want to

answer that, Mary, so we can listen in?

Newsroom? Hi, Mary.

Now back to the news.

Dateline Washington.

Consumer prices rose again last month by an almost record high of nine -tenths

of one percent.

The latest index adds up to more bad news.

off the wire. But it brings them to me so you get the news when we get the

Now on the line.

Oh, yes.

That's state line Jakarta.

That's state line Jakarta.

American Vice Counsel Robert Dillingham was released unharmed by Indonesian

terrorists who kidnapped him four days ago.

Oh, that's certainly good news, isn't it, gang?

Isn't it, gang?

commercial message.

We're in the commercial, Ted.

Hey, I think he's going pretty good so far, don't you think?

I'm sorry, Lou.

No, no, that's all right. Nobody can blame you. I like the idea myself.

Of course, I would have never liked the idea if you hadn't brought it up.

Anyway, we tried something and it didn't work.

Oh, don't feel bad. I'll probably go back to Chuckles anyway.

Oh, fine, fine.

Hey, Wes, that was really a lovely note you sent me. Thank you, Mary.

Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you and I go out and have a dinner?

Now, look, I don't want you feeling sorry for me, Mary. I mean, it's not the

of the world. I still have chuckles. I just don't want you feeling sorry for

Wes, I would really like to have dinner with you.

No, but you feel sorry for me. That's why you're asking me to have dinner,

because you feel sorry for me, right?

Well, yes.

Well, that's good enough for me. Let's go to dinner.