Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

five boxes of paper clips.

Oh, and listen, um, you don't by any chance have tweezers down there, do you?

No, I didn't think so.

Okay, bye -bye.

Tweezers? Yeah, I know. Ted asked me if I could get him some tweezers. Can you

imagine why?

Sure.

I went down to his dressing room last night and saw him trying to pick the

of the Rip Van Winkle Motel out of a bath towel.

to talk to Mr. Grant about it.

Come in.

Mr. Grant, could I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. Mr. Grant, I have been working here for three years now.

Mary, before you go on... No, Mr. Grant, I'm not here to ask for another raise.

Oh, go on.

working here for three years and doing every little piddly job from ordering

paperclips to tweezers, I think I am ready for a little more responsibility.

Something challenging. Something difficult.

You do, huh? Yes, I do. And I think if you did that for me, it would take some

of the load off your shoulders.

You're right. Thank you, Mr. Grant.

You know, I wasn't really sure I could handle this when I came in here.

I think it was probably the tweezers that finally made up my mind. Anyway, I

think it's probably good for me to stand up for what I believe in. But you know

me, cautious Mary.

Anyway, when I came in, I wasn't sure how I'd react. And then a thought

to me. Well, you know, Mr. Grant, he'll understand.

Mary,

you did good.

I did? Yeah.

The asking for responsibility part. Very good.

Very good.

But this part, this instant replay part, this part stinks.

I suppose you'll want a few days to think it over.

No, I've got some responsibility for you right now. Two things, as a matter of

fact. You do? Oh, that's great.

Great. First thing, I want you to hire a new sportscaster.

Ah, Mr. Grant, thank you. That's wonderful.

But I didn't know that Ed is leaving.

Neither does he.

That's the second thing you do.

Fire Ed.

No, I've never fired anybody in my life.

I met a cleaning lady once I couldn't fire, so I moved.

Listen, when you're an executive, you handle the bad jobs as well as the good.

Why are we firing Ed, anyway?

Well, the thing... At the last company party, Ed made a pass at the station

manager's wife.

Oh, Mr.

Granger, that has to happen a lot. You know, company parties. Somebody has one

drink too many.

This was a completed pass.

Ed,

I still don't feel right about having this lunch. I mean, I really just wanted

to have a talk with you. Kid, it's okay. I know you weren't fishing for a lunch

invitation, but we both had to eat anyway, didn't we? Huh?

You want a drink first, Mr.

Cavanaugh? Uh, yeah, the usual.

I'll have a Bloody Mary.

Here.

We used to date. She's a little jealous.

So, here we are.

Ed, this isn't easy for me.

Hey, hey, this kind of thing never is. I can take it. You know, it's funny, all

this time I thought you'd been avoiding me.

Um, Ed, um, I want to explain.

Mary, Mary, there are some things that don't need explaining.

Oh, well, this one does.

Mary, look, you shouldn't realize with a girl like you, you can't hit a home run

first time at bat, right?

And I think we ought to discuss why I called you.

Drink up, sweetie, and don't lend him any money.

Hey, here's to us.

The best is yet to come.

Ed, you're making this so difficult for me. No, you just drink regular like our

arms weren't frozen.

No, you don't understand.

Hey, hey, believe me, I understand.

Why don't you just let me take it from here on in?

Ed, you're fired.

You're not my boss. Lou's my boss.

Right. So how can you fire me?

He told me I could.

Well, that really steams me.

You come down here and you throw yourself at me and then you fire me?

Listen, I'll tell you, no broad is going to fire Ed Cavanaugh. How about that?

Well, Ed, you're fired.

Oh, sorry.

Not that sorry.

Mary, don't you think you should know a little something about sports? To hire a

sportscaster? I know, sports. Hey, will you watch it?

I know who won the World Series in 1942.

Who? Cards over the Yanks in five games.

No kidding.

How'd you know that? I was on the late show the other night, a war movie.

You had to know that to get back through the lines.

Hey, listen, another qualification you have. You were a cheerleader.

Well, Rhoda, I don't think Mr. Grant gave me the job because I was a

cheerleader. Mayor, what was it like being a cheerleader?

What do you mean, what was it like?

Now, tell me truthfully, when they formed the human pyramid, you were the

the top, right?

Well, yeah, but, you know, the head cheerleader was always the one that was

the top. Head cheerleader?

Mary!

duties of the head cheerleader. Rhoda, I do have all this work to do here. No,

really, tell me, I mean, did everybody know you were the head cheerleader? Did

you wear a significant sweater? You know, something like that? No, Rhoda, I

the same sweater as everybody else. It's just that the head cheerleader got

to... Look, Rhoda, I gotta get this done.

Please, you're the only person I know who actually lived my fantasy.

They gotta tell me, what did the head cheerleader do?

Well, after every touchdown, the head cheerleader got to...

Shoot off this little cannon.

Gee,

in my school in the Bronx, anybody shot off a little cannon, everybody would be

up against the wall with their hands up.

Listen, do a cheer for me. No.

Please, Mary, do one for me. Come on. How'd I? I'll leave if you do. Please,

just one. We're just the two of us. All right, then you'll leave me alone? Yes,

I promise. Okay, let's see.

Yo -yo, ski -dot and watten.

Yo -yo, ski -dot and watten.

Beat -em, beat -em, watten -dotten. rah -rah -rah -rah team.

Wow, you did that in front of crowds at the games. Yeah. With gestures and pom

-poms. How humiliating for you.

It'll widen my horizons, make me sort of a renaissance man.

That's right.

Ted Baxter, anchorman, sportscaster, cheese of the month club member.

Ted, remember, this is just temporary. It's only until I hire a regular

sportscaster. I wouldn't be too sure about that, Mary.

I think you'll be...

You think so?

He said, Coily, high atop his three -inch wedgies.

They're not wedgies. They're conquistador boots.

You like them, ma 'am?

Oh, they're nice.

Thanks.

Say, aren't your heels a little higher than usual?

Yeah, ma 'am. You got a lot of nerve wearing your high heels the same day

wearing yours.

Well, I thought it would help the sportscasting thing if I looked a little

lankier.

Ted, you're really taking this sportscasting thing seriously, aren't

Oh, sure. I think the normal comparisons will be made. Jim McKay, Red Barber,

Dizzy Dean.

Daffy Duck.

Didn't I used to be as tall as you?

Well, you got me, Lou. I never noticed those things.

Lou, just so you don't think you're shrinking, Ted is wearing his

boots.

Basically, too.

Better get to the studio.

I want to see you in my office.

Sure.

Close the door.

Mary, I'd like to give you a little course on the basics of good

all right?

All right.

Rule number one.

You never fire your...

until you've hired your new sportscaster, because that leaves a hole

organization.

We've got a hole in our organization, Mary.

You want to know what his name is?

Tonight in the news, hot war threatens in the Mideast, Hurricane Emily is on

rampage, and new flare -ups in Southeast Asia. More about these headlines in a

moment. First news from the world of sports.

out to deliver the sports.

Well, our regular sportscaster, Ed Cavanaugh, is no longer with us.

There comes a time when we all must move on, and for Ed, that time came

yesterday.

Tonight, yours truly will pick up the fallen gauntlet and act as sportscaster

well as anchorman in all the sports.

Hi there, sports fans.

It's halftime at the Monday night game of the week.

Green Bay 7, New York Giants 7.

But I understand the game is much closer than the score indicates.

We'll be back with more of the world of sports, but first, back to Ted.

Mary? I know, I know, a sportscaster. Quick.

WLRT. TV in Newark? Right.

And in addition to my other duties, I had a half -hour show of my own once a

week. Oh, that's terrific.

May I ask why you left your last position?

They fired me and hired a jock.

A what?

A jock, an ex -athlete. That's what's happening in the business today, you

Everybody wants to hire a jock.

Guys like Don Meredith, Frank Gifford, Maury Wills, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale,

Tony Kubik. I see.

Pee Wee Reese, Jerry Coleman, Phil Rizzuto, Ed Summerall.

Mr. Morton. Gail Spears.

Well, Hank, thank you so much for coming in. I do have your number. Now, look, I

can deliver for you. And I'm sure you would.

You got my tape? Yes, I have, right there on the desk.

You do want to hire a jock, don't you?

Now, I can tell. I can see it in your face. Hank, I promise you, I haven't

decided yet. Say, Mary, I set up a meeting for you with Phil Berenson.

guy. He used to play linebacker for the Vikings.

I knew it.

Everywhere I go, it's the same thing.

Why do they keep trying to take away my job? Guys like Bill Russell, Jack

Twyman, Rayford Johnson, Gussie Moran.

What was all that about?

Jocks.

Oh. Listen, about Phil Berenson.

It's your decision. The fact that I think Phil's terrific, or that he's a

friend of mine, shouldn't overly influence you. Thank you, Mr. Grant.

Or underly, either.

One more question.

Yes. Did you validate?

Sorry.

Bet you'd validate if I was a jock.

Any calls about Ted's little sports stint last night?

Oh, yes.

Calls. Telegrams. Oh, you're kidding.

Do you remember Ted's little Ed's gone away speech?

He made it sound like Ed died. These are all telegrams of sympathy.

So, how's it going?

Did you find your sportscaster yet? No. Oh.

You can't believe what a day I've had. Mr.

Grant is pressuring me to hire a friend of his.

I've gotten a resume from the elevator operator and two mailroom boys.

I mean, I can't even walk down the hall without somebody begging me to hire

them. It's just incredible.

I know.

That's why I'm not bothering you.

That's why I haven't even mentioned the fact that I have an audition tape.

Hey, Murray, I'd be glad to listen to it.

I'd love it if it worked out. Oh, thanks, Matt. But look, I want to tell

few things about it first.

Oh, no, it's not any good.

Look, I got the scores wrong.

I coughed once or twice in the middle.

My voice kept fading in and out.

I kept running out of breath. I hiccuped and sneezed. But see what you think.

Everything is yesterday. I have been up all night long listening to these tapes.

Gee, looks like somebody tapped the phones of the King family.

Did you pick anybody yet? No, no, but I have narrowed it down to two.

Yeah, Mary, wouldn't it be wonderful if guys actually looked like they're 8x10

glossies?

Ted does.

Ted is an 8x10 glossie.

Look at this, Mary. He looks good.

That's Phil Behrens.

Gee, I didn't recognize him since his face healed.

He is Mr.

Grant's candidate. If I picked him, I would make life so simple for myself.

But I want to do it my own way.

Boy, Rody, it's such a weird feeling, you know, knowing that every time you

no, not him, you could be changing a man's whole life.

Yeah, I feel that way with guys. Every time I say yes.

It's Andy Rivers.

I've made my decision. It's Andy Rivers.

Or Andy Rivers, and now I know it's Andy Rivers!

Or Herm Bernard.

Mary, are you finishing the fourth copy? Oh, yeah, it's somewhere in that pile.

I just want to go over to Andy's copy.

Hurry, I can't find it.

Now, look, there's nothing to be nervous about. Mary, you made the right choice.

He's going to do just fine. Do you think so?

Yes. Do you really think so? Sure.

Yeah, me too. I think it's going to be just wonderful.

Hurry, this is it?

Mm -hmm.

Mary, today is a big news day. We had to cut down on sports to make room for the

important news stories. Well, like what was so important?

The stock market went up 15 points, Kissinger's on his way to China, and

have film of the Loch Ness Monster.

Murray, I don't think that's so important.

And Lou decided he wanted five minutes on that new feature he's running, you

know, the one on the minorities and the Twin Cities. Oh, Murray, I thought we

covered all the minorities and the Twin Cities.

Tonight, it's Filipinos.

Andy Rivers?

I just saw him in makeup. I think you've got a real loser there.

I think he's going to bomb tonight.

Andy, if you do anything tonight... Hi.

Hi, Andy.

Hi, we were just talking about you. Andy, have you met Murray Slaughter?

I've met Murray.

And you have met Ted?

Yes. Say, Andy, I was just wondering, who holds the American League record for

most consecutive strikeouts?

Oh, gee, I don't think I know Ted.

Oh, gee, I guess I'll have to ask someone else, won't I?

himself a sportscaster.

Andy, here's your copy. It's a little thin. You know, we have these other

stories. That's all right, Murray.

There'll be other days.

He hopes.

I guess I better be getting down to the studio, huh? Good luck. Good luck, Andy.

Thank you. We'll be rooting for you. Before you go in there, Andy, after I

introduce you, remember, you look into camera three. And whatever you do, don't

look into camera one. That's my camera.

It's his first show tonight, so just leave him alone, all right? Tonight is

important to him, and it's important to me, so lay off.

Murray, I think I hear wedding bells.

Ted's not going to let him on. Relax, there's five minutes left in the show.

And let's look at the Filipino community in the Twin Cities.

And what they three are the nicest people you'd ever want to meet.

Thanks, Ted.

Andy Rivers here with today's action in the world of sports.

The North Stars shut out the New York Rangers 2 -0.

Chicago Blackhawks outshot the Los Angeles Kings 5 -3. And the Boston

defeated the Philadelphia Flyers 7 -1. And now, back to Ted.

Nice job.

I made a good choice, Mary.

Really good.

I said good choice, Mary.

You did good.

He's going to work out great.

Let me tell you about life.

We're born, we live, and we die.

And you want to know what it all means?

Nothing.

Nothing? Nothing.

Look at Winston Churchill.

A great man, right?

Maybe the greatest man of the century.

Let me ask... Let me ask you this.

When was the last time you heard anybody mention Winston Churchill?

I don't know.

The greatest man of the century, and you don't know.

All right. Remember when everyone thought Ed the sportscaster had died?

Look at this postcard. Read what it says.

Sorry to hear about Ed having a wonderful time.

Charlie Kellerman.

That's what a man's life comes down to, Mary.

Sorry to hear about Ed on the back of a picture postcard of Disneyland.

Mary. Mary. Mary.

Cheer up.

Cheer up. Because in an infinite universe, on a planet the size of a

pin,

we are mere specks of dust waiting to be blown away.

You see what I'm trying to tell you?

I see.

Good.

Thank you very much. You're welcome.

I was wondering, if you're not doing anything, maybe you'd like to go out and

have some dinner with me.

Uh... Andrew, excuse me, I couldn't help but overhearing. Mary, would you hold

up your answer for a second? I'd like to talk to you, Andrew Corbin. Sure.

Look, Andy, let me clue you in about Mary.

She makes it a policy not to go out with us on the air, guys.

When she first came to the station, I asked her a couple of times. She turned

down every time.

If she won't go out with me, she certainly... Andy, I'd love to have

you.

That's the way she fired the last sportscaster.