Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after long.

You're gonna make it after...

I can't tell you how really rotten I feel that Edie and I had a fight at your

nice little party here. Oh, Mr. Grant, I'm sure nobody noticed.

Nobody noticed?

An angry woman comes in and yells, I can take off my own coat, Lou.

Walks into your toilet and locks the door.

Comes out two hours later and shouts, thank you for a wonderful evening.

Murray's wife to drive her home, nobody noticed?

Mr. Grant, it's just because it happened to you. I'm sure no one else is even

aware of it. I mean, we always think people are aware of things because we're

very aware ourselves, and they're not.

Really? Really.

Oh, boy, that's good. I was really worried about that.

Drink, Lou?

Uh, no, no thanks, Murray.

Lou? Huh?

I really admire you for having the nerve to stay here after that humiliating

experience.

I think I will, Murray.

Were I you, and I realized I was making a spectacle of myself, I would dissolve

into tears.

But then men like you don't cry, do they, Lou?

What do you do?

Make it a double, Marie.

you tablecloth. Oh, don't worry, dear. That'll come up with no trouble at all.

You simply stretch the fabric over a bowl and then pour boiling water through

the stain from a height of two feet.

Well, gee, that's great. Thank you, Sue Ann. I'd better get my wrap. That nice

man said he'd be bringing the car around any minute now. Wasn't that sweet of

him to say he'd take me home? I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk more,

dear.

Who's little Bo Peep?

Oh, that's Sue Ann Niven. She does the Happy Homemaker show at our...

household hands, sewing lessons, recipes, cooking lessons, things like

how in the world did I live so long without having seen the happy homemaker?

I love her dimples.

I wonder if she made them herself.

Good night, Mary. Great party. Thank you, Mary.

Good night. Good night, Mr. Grant.

Sorry I ruined your party, Mary.

Don't feel bad, Mary.

Even if everybody else did have a bum time.

I met a terrific chick. She gave me her phone number.

She gave you the number to call when you want the correct time.

I thought her voice sounded familiar.

Good night.

That must be Lars.

Lars? My Lars?

Dr. Lindstrom? He offered to take me home. Wasn't that nice of him?

Mary, thank you very much for a wonderful party. I just feel terrible

and leaving you with all this cleaning up to do. Oh, no, please don't worry

about it. But it seems so wrong to just run off.

Remember, dear, do try a little iodine for that scratch on the desk, and baking

soda will bring that grease up out of the carpet like nothing. Oh, dear, dear,

don't throw away those coffee grounds. They're the perfect plant food for

geraniums. Now, if you want to tidy up in a hurry, think of your living room as

a big clock.

Start at midnight, and then go around the room working clockwise toward the

kitchen. You'll be done in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

It's been two and a half hours.

I'm sure there's a very good explanation.

Maybe he was called away on an emergency dermatology thing or something.

There are no emergency dermatology things, Mary.

I can't understand why he hasn't called.

Lars has been trained to call.

I'm sure there's a very good explanation. Look, why don't I call Sue

if anything has happened?

Wasn't that lucky?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

See you soon.

Well, what happened?

Well, it seems they were driving down Washburn when this dog jumped in front

the car and Lars swerved and hit a tree.

Nobody was hurt, thank goodness, but the right fender was badly damaged, so

they've stopped to have it repaired.

Isn't it lucky they were right near an all -night body shop?

And he's waiting till it's ready.

Maybe it was just a lunch and nothing more. No, no, I don't think so, Mayor. I

watched her show today.

She spent ten minutes on how to remove lipstick stains.

Anyway, Sue Ann just doesn't seem the type, you know? She seems more like the

kind of woman you leave for someone else.

Now, Phyllis, there is the other woman.

Do you think she suspects?

No, I don't think so. She would have said something if she did.

Mary.

So naive.

So, you gonna tell her? No, I can't. I mean, I just can't. Would you?

No. I always try to stay all the way out of that kind of scene.

Ever since Cynthia Zimmer.

You know my roommate in New York? Not the 68th Street roommate. The 83rd

Oh, yeah.

She was the champ.

14 married guys in one year.

You should have seen Christmas at our apartment.

You never saw more gifts and less people.

he was delayed because he took the car to an all -night body shop?

Yeah.

Well, Mary, I simply don't believe it.

I simply don't believe what an incredible job they did.

Do you know that this morning I walked around that car five times and the paint

matches so perfectly I couldn't tell there had been an accident?

working late again tonight and he confessed.

But he was not working late tonight.

He was playing poker with the boys.

Cute.

Mary, have you heard from DeFalco yet? No, Mr. Grant. I'll let you know as soon

as he calls.

Is the station manager giving you a hard time about DeFalco again, Lou?

Yeah. And it seemed like such a terrific idea.

Remember, Mary, I said, have a cameraman ride around in the back of a patrol car

to film an on -the -spot...

And you said the idea was... Wonderful.

I wouldn't be in this mess now if you had said rotten.

You know that?

No, you had to say wonderful.

Same here.

You'll never guess what I saw going on down the hall. Come on, you want to

guess? Oh, no, Ted, not right now.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun. I'll give you 20 questions.

Okay, I'm really kind of busy.

How about you, Murray? Two can play this game.

Hey, I'll bet that's where the expression came from.

Not now, Ted.

I'll give you a hint.

It's Animal, and it concerns Sue Ann Nivens, the happy homemaker.

Uh, Ted, what did you say about Sue Ann Nivens? Said it's Animal, and it

concerns Sue Ann Nivens, the happy homemaker. You've got 19 questions left.

what did you say about Sue Ann Nivens?

Well, I saw the guy that Sue Ann Nivens has been playing around with.

Saw him coming out of the dressing room.

Funny thing is, I know him from somewhere, but I can't remember where.

Say, Murr, maybe you can remember. He's a tall, blonde -haired fella. Ed, are

you sure that they're playing around?

Of course.

It's all over the building.

But you know what really teased me off? Sue Ann Nivens.

Right under my very nose all this time, hot to trot, and I don't do anything

about it.

I can only remember who that guy was.

It's impossible.

Patrol car that hasn't made an arrest in three weeks.

Hey, Luke. If you want some real action, send him over to the Happy Homemakers

dressing room.

Gee, if I could only remember who that guy was.

How can it not work?

I know it's going to work. Mary, tell me it's going to work. It is going to

work, Mr. Grant. It's a wonderful idea.

See, you did it again, Mary. I gave you another chance to say rotten, but you

said wonderful.

You're in this up to here.

Bye, Phyllis. As a matter of fact... Yes, I am. ...just this last week. I'm

ready for lunch.

Hope's asked.

Bye, Ted.

See you guys in an hour. Bye. Come on, Phyllis.

Of course, Lars.

Lars? What about Lars?

Oh, I've been sitting here trying to think of who it is that's been playing

around with Sue Ann Nivens, and it finally came to me.

And it is definitely... not Lars. No.

Thank you.

apple pie? Well, I made it for Lars' dinner tonight.

Sort of a surprise.

I've never made a pie before, but it certainly seems easy enough. Here, Mary.

Taste it.

Well? Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

You're not just saying that.

Mmm.

Rhoda, you'd give me an honest opinion, won't you?

I'll taste it.

Give it a try here.

I love this pie.

So it's come down to this.

I've become such an object of pity that even Rhoda is being kind.

No, Phyllis. Mary, do you know how hard it is to make an apple pie?

My beautiful hands.

Hands that once touched the notes of Chopin.

Thank heavens I've been able to hide my feelings from him. Of course, there have

been a few close calls.

Last night during Hawaii 5 -0, I began to weep uncontrollably.

But I covered by telling Lars I was moved by the grandeur of Diamond Head.

Listen,

Phyllis, please, whatever you do, don't do anything drastic.

Just wait this out and the whole thing will just blow over.

I'll wait it out.

Sooner or later, Lars is going to get tired of her.

And he'll come back to me.

And then I'm going to punish him for this.

Phyllis, you don't mean that. If only he didn't flaunt it in my face.

You know, Mary, since he's been seeing her, he's gained nine pounds.

Do you know that his clothes are cleaner when he comes home at night than they

are when he leaves in the morning?

honest, however.

Lawrence is not entirely to blame. I too am somewhat responsible

for what's happened. You see, Mary and Rhoda, some men

are just threatened by a real woman.

I'm afraid I've just been too much of a real woman.

are too much of a real woman.

I don't like to brag, Rhoda, but Lars and I

had an incredible love life.

Would you like to know how incredible?

Oh, gosh, Phil, I don't... I'm going to tell you how incredible it was.

I think Lars summed it up best when he turned to me one night and said,

Apparently that's all over now.

Phyllis, it's not all over. You know, just the other day I was reading this

wonderful book called The Life of the Bee.

is nothing but the slave of the queen.

And once the male bee, how should I say, has serviced the queen,

the male dies.

All in all, not a bad system.

Well, I'm almost afraid to ask. How was the latest DeFalco film?

Well, I'll give you a hint.

The highlight was when the two policemen he was riding with stopped, got out,

and helped a wino on with his shoe.

Mary.

Try to reach DeFalco for me.

And tell him the assignment is over.

He's in a patrol car, Mr. Grant. I'm not sure I can locate him.

Just find a neighborhood with the lowest crime rate.

Mary. Phyllis.

I've come to enlist your help.

Well, uh, Phil, it's kind of bad around here today.

Mary, I've decided I'm not going to give Lars up without a fight.

And I think you should be there with me when I confront Miss Happy Homemaker

face to face.

Well, Phil, I wish I could. It's just that I'm so very busy. Mary.

The news comes and goes. This is my life we're talking about.

Bill, look, I just don't think that I should be there when you talk to Sue

Mary, you have to be there.

One, you're my friend.

Two, you will be neutral.

Three, if you're not there, I will rip her face off.

looking down into the bowl just as I beat in the four egg yolks.

Sorry, Sue Ann, we only have two cameras for this spot.

Oh? Where's the third camera?

We need it for the needlepoint demo that follows.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Billy, but I cannot do a chocolate souffle with only two cameras.

Why don't you arrange to set up the other camera and we'll just...

rehearsal until you're ready.

Whatever you say, Sue Ann.

Ten minutes, everybody.

Hi, Sue Ann.

Oh, Mary, how nice to see you. Don't you look pretty?

Oh, thank you. You remember Phyllis Lindstrom? Yes, from your party. Nice to

you again.

I'll come right to the point.

I'm here to talk about you, and Mary's here to see to it that I don't rip your

face off.

An armored truck was held up for $200 ,000.

You want to get a film crew out there? We don't have to.

DeFalco! DeFalco!

I said it would work, and it worked!

But, what's the matter? I have a chocolate souffle in the oven.

One slight tremor, and it's ruined.

Oh.

Okay.

DeFalco's on his way in right now with the film. Come on, we got a lot of...

to do if we want to be ready for tonight's show.

Mary! Coming! Mary! Okay, Phyllis, I'll be back just as soon as I can. I

promise.

Why don't we go into my living room? I'm sure we'll be much more comfy in here.

Now, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?

I'm here to talk about you and Lars.

Oh.

Shall I tell you the sort of relationship Lars and I have?

After 17 years of marriage, the sort of relationship that Lars and I have.

Uh, is Dr. Lindstrom in?

Mrs. Lindstrom?

I see.

Thank you.

He is with a patient. He will call me back first chance he gets.

So now you see, that is the sort of relationship Lars and I have.

I'll be right back after this brief look at my chocolate souffle.

than your chocolate souffle. I'm sorry, but this is a very critical time.

You're bananas, you know that?

I'm going to try to forgive you for the souffle.

I realize how difficult it must be for you losing a wonderful man like Lars.

Did you know that Lars has a neurotic...

Never make me change my mind about Lars.

We're ready for rehearsal, Sue Ann.

Excuse me.

I have a show to do.

Phyllis. Mary.

She won't let him go. Mary, please.

Talk to her.

How lovely, Billy. I see you found the third gem.

Okay, hold it.

Sue Ann, listen to me because I've got to be in the screening room in 45

seconds. Ted already knows about this thing with you and Lars. You know what a

big mouth Ted has.

And what Ted doesn't tell, I will tell.

And pretty soon, it's going to be all over the station.

And they're not going to think that that's a terrific image for the happy

homemaker, so you see, it comes down to a choice.

Either Lars or your show. I've got to go. I will see you later.

Well, since you put it that way, Mary, I...

you understand, but for those ladies out there who need me.

By the way, Sue Ann, do you know how to remove chocolate stains?

Yes, I do.

Oh, good.

office and you'll be home in 15 minutes.

Bye -bye.

Isn't that cute?

I don't know where he got the idea that he has to check in with me every 15

minutes.

Can I use your phone, Mary? Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Well, we talked it all out and we both agreed a marriage without trust is no

marriage at all.