Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

My exercising was coming through your ceiling? No, no, no. I didn't hear a

sound, really.

Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping someone would complain and give me an excuse to

stop.

Well, come on in.

Yeah, thanks. I'm Mary Richards.

Hi, I'm Barbara Gardner. Oh, well, welcome to the building.

I'm sure you'll be very happy here. Everybody's very friendly.

When did you move in? About a year ago.

you to think I'm antisocial or anything. It's just that I'm always sleeping when

everybody's working, and I'm always working when everybody's sleeping.

Oh, uh, what is it that you do? Uh, no, you, listen, you don't have to answer

that. No, I, I, uh, have some coffee. Yeah, I love some.

Now, I play piano at Mickey's Keyboard Lounge, you know, over near the

University of Minnesota campus.

Oh, yeah, well, listen, I'll have to drop in and hear you play sometime.

Well, you better hurry. I'm getting married.

Just think, I'll never have to play I Left My Heart in San Francisco again.

Or on Wisconsin ten times a night.

On Wisconsin?

Yeah, this guy kept coming in and bugging me to play it. Oh, yeah. I guess

have to put up with a lot of weirdos in a place like that.

Yeah, he turned out to be the guy I'm marrying.

Oh.

Well, congratulations.

I don't know. I've never seen him in the daylight.

I wish it were bigger. Well, you should take a look at mine, then. I mean, I

haven't fixed it up half as nice as this, but it's good -sized.

I was wondering, do you have any cardboard boxes around?

Oh, no, gee, I don't, but I'll take a pizza muffie on Friday when I do my

weekend marketing. Oh, thanks, but I'll be on my honeymoon by then. Oh, where

are you going?

Milwaukee.

Oh.

Well, I hear the brewery tour is interesting.

Yeah, that's what the travel agent said, but we don't care about that kind of

stuff. That's why we're going to Milwaukee.

Joe says, why waste a lot of good scenery on your honeymoon?

Well,

I wouldn't know. I've never been on one. Well, hang in there.

I mean, if I can meet the right man at Mickey's Keyboard Lounge in the midst of

the biggest bunch of losers you ever... One night, I'll listen to this. One

night, this guy comes in, and I recognize him. He does the news on TV.

Beautiful clothes, good -looking, silver hair.

Silver hair?

Yeah. You've seen him. You've seen him. Yeah, what'd he do?

Well, he sat there nursing a creme de menthe on the rocks for about an hour,

asked me to play the entire score from South Pacific while he

sings it. When he gets to, I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair, he

completely cleared the room.

Then he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a single dollar bill and puts it in

the jar I've got on the piano.

And... Takes out 75 cents change.

Yeah, that's Ted, all right. Right, Ted. Ted Baxter. He does the news on Channel

12. How'd you know? I work with him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

He's really, he's not such a bad guy when you get to know him. He's just very

frugal. As a matter of fact, that 25 cents he gave you could be something of

collector's item. I believe it.

Well, this has been very pleasant. I've got to pack.

Thanks a lot for the coffee. You're welcome.

Listen, it would have been fun knowing you. Yeah, you too.

Yeah, I don't suppose you could make it to my wedding tomorrow?

Tomorrow? I'd love to, but I'll be working.

So will I. I'm the entertainment at our reception.

Why?

One, two... There.

Oxium?

What's that supposed to be?

An extinct Egyptian bird.

You're bluffing. Look it up.

will. You think I won't? I'm going to.

Hey, Phyllis, what do you know about that apartment downstairs is for rent?

Why should I know anything about it? Well, you're always barging in every

else.

The girl who's moving out says it's very roomy.

Oxalic? Oxen? It is roomy.

Oxide? Oxlip? Then you have barged in there. No oxium. Pick up your tiles.

Okay.

But the oven timer hasn't gone off yet. I still have some time left.

Pick up your tiles.

Now, wait a minute.

Phyllis, you took at least 45 seconds to stroll over to the dictionary and then

browse through what you did. So I have at least that much time coming to me,

right? Give her another minute, Mary. What good will it do her?

So tell us about that apartment.

Oh, well, it's really the nicest one in the building. Except for mine, of

course. It has a big bedroom, a fireplace, a glass -thin sun deck, a

ceiling. Gee, it sounds terrific.

Listen, girls, we can't let a great apartment like that go to just anyone.

Maybe I ought to call Robert Redford, see if he needs a place.

Now, we really should try to get somebody who's nice to get along with in

apartment. Somebody clean, considerate, understanding, thrifty, brave, and

trustworthy.

You know who we've just described?

Who?

Uh -huh.

Gee,

I would love to have a bedroom.

You have any idea what that place rents for?

$225.

So, who needs a bedroom?

Take off your tiles. Wait, I have a word here.

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you two move in together?

Mary, you're paying $125 and Rhoda's paying $87 .50. I should think between

two. How do you know what my rent is? It was just a wild guess.

No, no, Phil.

No, no.

$90 might be a wild guess.

$87 .50 is definitely not a guess.

How'd you find out?

Only people know what I'm paying are L &P management and me.

You know something? I don't think there is an L &P management. Every time I call

up to get something fixed, I get this dumb recording.

Oh, yeah, that dull guy saying L &P management. When you hear the tone, you

have 15 seconds to state your problem.

Beep. I don't have any problem I can state in 15 seconds.

I can well imagine.

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

They never call you back, so you wind up fixing whatever it is yourself.

Right. You know something? That voice has always reminded me of somebody.

You know who it sounds like, Phyllis?

It sounds exactly like Lars.

No, it doesn't. Yes, it does, Phyllis. It sounds just like your husband.

No, it doesn't. Phyllis, Phyllis, does the L in L and P management stand for

Lars? And the P for Phyllis?

You manage the building?

Well, it stays a little on the random.

What? Besides, it only takes a few minutes of my time. It doesn't take any

your time.

Phyllis, I distinctly remember the time my sink was...

up and I was calling L &P. You were standing right there and you said to me,

don't you call a plumber? It'll be quicker and easier.

Well, wasn't it?

Yes, it was also 2850.

I couldn't fix your sink.

What about Lars?

Well, he's a dermatologist.

If he'd been any good with his hands, he would have been a surgeon.

Well, Mayor, what do you think about moving in together?

Bad idea, huh? I tried it a couple of times after college.

Only one thing can happen when friends move in together.

You're right. Oh, the girls I room with used to drive me crazy. They kept coming

in saying, tonight I became a woman. Do I look any different?

I have to look at them.

Phyllis! I am not looking at her tiles.

Take off your tiles. Your time's up. No, my pops are done.

Besides that, I've had this word here for hours.

Exmersis. I -X -M -I -R -S -Y -S.

Exmersus? Sure.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, Phyllis.

I don't believe this.

Don't tell me anybody as up -to -date as you are on psychology doesn't know what

exmersus means.

Oh!

Exmersus! Oh!

Exmersus! Yeah, see, I thought you were trying to get by with oxmersus. Oh, no,

I wouldn't. Which I happen to know is not a word, Rhoda. All right.

Oh, I'd love to get her in a poker game sometime.

Mary? Yes, sir? I just got my expense account checked. There must be some

mistake. Oh, what's the matter? Well, it's for only half the amount I

Oh. Well, Ted, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't approve all the items on there.

For instance?

Well, I don't remember everything, but you listed $23 in tummy aids?

That's right. Well, uh, what do tummy aids have to do with your job?

Well, so many people on my crew have stomach problems, I sort of hand them

as a goodwill gesture.

But not for my personal use, I never have any stomach trouble myself.

No, but you're a carrier, Ted.

Oh, Lou, there seems to be some disagreement here. I'd like to review my

month's expense account with you.

Some other time, Ted. I don't have the stomach for it right now.

Tummy ache?

Thanks. See?

Don't go away, Lou. I'll be right back.

No, he's... Incredible.

Last month, he tried to get reimbursed for shoe shines.

Shoe shines?

He says when his shoes look dull, he feels dull.

So that's it.

All this time, we've been suffering.

And all we needed to do was get him a pair of patent leather pumps.

Does anyone know where the tape is?

Yeah, it's usually on the second shelf.

What, are you selling something, Mary? No, there's an apartment that's come

available in my building, so I thought it'd be nice if somebody here at the

station needed a place.

Do you know of anyone... is looking for a real... Mary!

Will you step into my office?

Yes, sir. Boo!

Later, Ted.

Later.

Say thank you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Mind if I ask why I just said thank you? Not at all.

You were just saying there's an apartment available in your building.

And there's a person here at this station who just happens to be looking

one. You thanked me for warning you.

Warning me?

Well, who is it?

Ted.

Thank you.

You already thanked me. But helping you avoid having Ted Faxter as the

boy next door is worth an instant replay.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't have to thank me.

the one with the apartment?

Come on, Mary. Tell me all about this apartment.

She just told me about it. You wouldn't be interested.

How much is it? Uh, it's really not a good buy, Ted. How much is it?

with that rotten heating system. How much is it? And then the carpet is...

much is it? Uh, hundreds of dollars.

How many? Uh, more than two. How many more? Uh, 25.

225. You're right, Ted. It's too much.

That's $17 .50 less than I pay now.

And they're going to add $10 a month. That's why I'm leaving.

$17 .50 times 12, 10 times 12. Normally he can't add 6 and 4, but put a dollar

sign in front of something and he becomes a computer.

That's $330 a year savings.

I could buy a couple of suits with that. Or a fantastic shirt.

Where can I see the apartment, Mary?

Fine, I'll see you right after the show.

See, it ends at 7. Five minutes to take off the makeup. 50 minutes to shower and

change. 75 minutes to get there.

How much do you get about seven, seven... Put a dollar sign in front of

$7 .45.

Oh, Mary, why couldn't you have told Phyllis not to show him the apartment? I

called, and I got L and P.

You have 15 seconds to state her feet.

Yeah. Well, you've got to know she's going to rent it to him. I know, I know.

And you know something? I am really going to miss this apartment, all my

friends. It's sad. I'm sure you can't make the rent $2 .50. No, it is $2 .25.

Mary, he thinks the apartment is perfect. I didn't say it was perfect.

If it were $2 .20, it'd be perfect. $2 .25.

Then it's not perfect.

Oh, Ted, did Phyllis tell you why the other tenant's moving out? No.

Mary's dancing drove her out.

Oh, hello, hello.

Mary, please, it's all right. It's not her fault. Her flamenco teacher can only

fit her in at midnight.

Now,

that won't bother me. I sleep like a dog.

Did I say dog? I meant log.

Oh, good.

For a minute there, I pictured you on your back with your little paws up in

air.

But I do think that dancing stuff should bring the rent down to $2 .20, $2 .50.

Oh, road alive.

It's still $2 .25.

Maybe I can make it up in gas and oil.

You know, Mary, you and I could drive to work together in the morning. Only use

one car.

Um, mine, I suppose.

Well, sure, no sense in using mine since you're driving in anyway. Ted, there's

a point there, Mary.

Unless nobody asks you.

Well, I'll be down in my apartment when you decide, Ted. It's still $2 .25.

Say, you know, it's just going to be terrific living in the same building

you two girls.

Every time I need a button sewn on or a shirt ironed.

It's expensive, $2 .25 a month, but what the heck. I just know I'm going to love

it here.

See you later, neighbors.

Do you have any empty cardboard cartons? I was just going to ask you the same

thing.

Boy. Well, the front page has that effect on me, too.

I was looking at the for rent ads.

You know, I never realized what a great apartment I have until I started looking

for another one. Well, look at it this way. With Ted moving in downstairs, you

don't live in such a great place anymore, right?

Hi, could you send a mail boy up to the newsroom?

Thank you. I'll take it. I've got some stuff to go to. Oh, there it is.

Happy to see you. No, what a pleasant surprise. I'm happy to see you. What a

pleasant surprise.

Don't you want to know what I'm doing here?

Yes.

Well, I came to see Ted.

He asked me to stop by with his lease so he could sign it.

Ted signing his lease. And we are there.

Mrs. Liston?

Hello there. Here's your lease.

Not till my lawyer has a crack at it.

You're going to have a lawyer?

look over a simple lease?

An ounce of perversion is worth a pound of cure.

Ted.

Ted, you better get your shoes shined.

They do look a little dull, don't they? Dull?

They look absolutely stupid.

Good morning.

Ah, here you go, kid.

Uh, watch the way you talk to this young man. He's my attorney.

Mr. Lee, this is Phyllis Lindstrom, the building manager. How do you do? Murray

Slaughter, one of my writers.

Mary Richards, my neighbor to be.

How long have you been practicing law, Mr. Lee? I haven't yet. I'm in my second

year of law school.

Oh, well, then you have gotten to leases, have you? Oh, sure. Lease is

I'm into heavy stuff like breach of contract, assault with a deadly weapon.

I'm all for giving you the chance.

That's why I put Mike here on a retainer. Two dollars an hour and two

mile. Two cents a mile? That's enough. He drives a motor scooter.

We, uh, knock off all this dumb talk and get going. My sensitivity group meets

in half an hour.

Uh, lose not and we'll use his office. Uh, no, no, you won't.

Why not?

You know he doesn't like anyone in there when he's not there.

Oh, all right. In that case, don't tell him. Come on, gang.

All right, Ted, go ahead on in, but if you're still there when Mr. Grant gets

back, I am not covering for you.

I'm coming in with you.

Mary, what are you going in for?

Now look, Mary, I miss seeing Armstrong land on the moon. I'm not going to miss

this.

made myself clear.

You don't want Ted in your chair? I don't want Ted in my office or the rest

his merry band.

I don't blame you at all for being upset with him, Mr. Grant. I'm not upset with

him, and I'm not upset with you.

I'll be upset with you if that ever happens again. By now, I'm not upset.

Well, I am. I am upset.

You're worried about Ted sitting in your chair. I am worried about him becoming

my neighbor.

Those people... People were in here to watch him sign his lease.

Mr. Grant, he's moving in.

Well, maybe it won't be so bad.

Maybe it won't be so bad.

Do you know he asked me if I use all of my morning newspaper?

I wonder what for. He doesn't read.

number so that he could give it out to his friends for when he's not home.

And he would like me to answer Mr.

Baxter's residence using an English accent.

Murray, he sign yet?

Good.

I'll be right back.

Oh, I have an idea. Why don't we go and finish this?

the importance of what you were doing.

Come on back in, please.

All right.

Come on, gang.

This is getting a little wearisome, isn't it? Can I go in too, Lou? Of

Lou, this isn't a trap or anything like that.

We were just starting to.

I'm Michael Lee, Mr. Baxter's attorney.

Oh, hello.

You really went all out this time, Ted. This one looks like a senior.

Gentlemen, as I stated before, this looks like a standard form lease.

Don't jump to conclusions, Mr. Lee. These things will fool you.

Well, this one does have a no pet clause.

A no pet clause.

Oh, Ted.

And you have that adorable little dog.

What a shame. And it did seem like the perfect apartment for you, too.

I'll sell her.

I only bought her as an investment.

Somebody told me dark stones were going to catch on.

Okay, counselor, go on. Well, just the usual stuff. You pay first and last

month's rent. Last month's rent?

He hasn't lived there in the last month yet. Right. I'll pay the last month when

I live there. All right. I'm sure I can get the owner to waive that.

All right. Give me the pen.

What's this $50 cleaning fee?

Oh, well, that's a $50 cleaning fee.

Cleaning fee?

I'll promise to keep clean. I'm a clean person, aren't I, Mayor? Well, yes, Ted,

but I'm a clean person, and I have to pay a $50 cleaning fee. You don't have

attorney. It doesn't matter how many attorneys you have. You have to pay

Counselor. Well, now she's the manager. She must know about that stuff.

Well, that still doesn't seem right.

Doesn't seem right to me either.

You hear that? And Lou never agrees with me.

Gentlemen, I... You stay out of this, kid.

Listen to a grown -up who isn't charging me a dime.

What do you think, Lou?

Well, I think the way things are going, this will end up costing you a lot of

money to move.

How do you figure that?

Look, I can rent this apartment to lots of people. Wait a minute.

What, Lou?

Well... All these hidden fees, they're sneaking in on you. Then there's movers.

You're going to have to hire them.

And they charge you, oh, $20, $30 an hour, double time for traveling.

There goes a few hundred bucks at the very least. A few hundred dollars. Don't

forget the cost of installing a new phone.

I did. I did forget that.

And you'll have to have new checks printed.

Oh.

Mr. Baxter. Sir, this all seems to be in order if you just want to sign.

Are you still here? Your time is up. Don't you have a class or something?

Yes, yes, I do.

I'll send my bill to your accountant.

Is he still going to Wilson High?

Yes, but you better send it to his home.

Very good, sir.

Thank you very much. Nice meeting you. All right.

All right.

I've made my decision.

I've decided.

Not to afford this place. I can, but I don't want to.

Sorry, Mayor. Nothing personal.

I'd love to bring this bunch over to my group therapy group.

See ya, fellas.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I just don't

if I'll ever be able to tell you how much I appreciate what you just did for

Anytime. Oh!

I didn't see any point in bothering you to get up to answer the door, so I...

Oh, Phyllis, that wouldn't have bothered me.

Well, I can just stay a minute, but I just wanted to tell you that I rented

apartment. Oh, really?

Well, I hope it's somebody nice. All of them are nice.

All of them?

Five airline stewardesses.

Five airline stewardesses.

That's great. I was just saying to Mary, what we need in this building is a

bunch of cute, young, attractive single girls.