Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Who can I talk to about getting my blazer pressed?

Oh, well, I guess Thelma in the wardrobe department.

No, Thelma's leaving at six, and I have to have a press after my show. I'm

taking my blazer home with me tonight.

Oh, what's the matter, Ted? Lose your pajamas?

No, it's just that I'm doing a guest shot in a very early morning show, and I

need a press after I do the news.

Well, listen, I'll ask Thelma if she'll stay late and press it for you. Oh, gee,

thanks a lot, Mary.

What early morning show are you doing? Oh, I'm just doing an ad -lib talk show.

I'm very good at those ad -lib talk things, you know. Now, what are you

talk about, Ted? Well, I thought I'd talk about... Then I'd, uh...

Well, there's, uh...

Mary Richards. Hi.

Hi. I'm Betty Bauercheck.

Hi. Hi.

You're the associate producer of the 6 o 'clock news with Ted Baxter, aren't

you? Yes, I am. Well, Mr. Baxter is going to be our guest star tomorrow

And, well, I know how busy and important he is. So maybe you can answer a few

questions for me. You know, so he'll feel more comfortable on our show. Oh,

sure. I'd be glad to.

Does he like chocolate milk?

Hot cake and ice cream?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, would he mind being hit in the face with a pie?

Excuse me, what show is this for, anyway?

The Chuckles the Clown show.

Oh. You mean Ted's going to be interviewed by Chuckles the Clown? Uh

boys and girls love to hear about the different kinds of jobs there are. And

think it's going to be our biggest show since the fireman brought his Dalmatian.

Well, I'll tell you, Betty, I think Ted might find it a little...

undignified, you know, being hit in the, with a, you know, not that he's not a

good sport, it's just that, well, you know, he is the anchorman.

Mary, talk to you a minute.

Excuse us.

What are you doing? We may never get this chance again.

Oh, hurry, I can't. No, you can't, but Chuckles can.

Then why should we stop him?

It would be pretty funny, wouldn't it?

You know, we can just forget about the pot. pie. It's just all his other

Well, if all his other guests get the pie, I think Ted would be offended if he

didn't. Oh, good.

Good. Uh, is there anything else I can help you with? Well, I know the boys and

girls will ask for some photographs of Mr. Baxter. Do you think you could spare

some? Sure.

How long have you been with Chuckles?

All my life.

He's my father.

changes.

That's him, isn't it? Ah, him. Yes.

Look at him reading.

Wow. I could just stand here all day and watch him.

But I can see how busy you all are, so I'll be going.

Thank you again, Mary. I really appreciate it.

They're just rubber stamped.

If you'd like a more personal one, I'd be happy to trace over it for you.

What's your name?

Betty Bowerchuck.

How do you spell that?

B -O -W... No, I meant Betty.

Does it end with an E or with a Y?

Y. Why? Because I want to spell it right. That's why.

No, no, no.

Betty with a Y.

Betty Bowerchuck. What a lovely name.

That's Canadian, isn't it?

Thank you. It was my pleasure, I'm sure.

Thank you.

I'll see you tomorrow morning at seven. Tomorrow at seven, wouldn't miss it.

Who is she?

That's Chuckles, the clown's daughter.

No kidding.

She sure is a lot better looking than he is.

Mr. Baxter, I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your appearance on the Chuckles

the Clown show, especially when you got hit in the face with the pie.

It would really make the news a lot more fun if you could do that at the end of

the 6 o 'clock news every day.

Now, who would come up with a silly suggestion like that? I don't know. It's

assigned MLS.

M... Murray L.

Slaughter!

Has anyone seen Ted Baxter lately?

Well, according to the last rating... I meant in person.

I'm aware that nobody sees him on TV.

You know, it's funny. He doesn't hang around here as much as he used to.

That's too bad.

Because I miss him.

You do?

Yeah. I miss him.

Because, Mary, I've been upstairs in the station manager's office for two hours.

For three minutes of those two hours, I was being told what a great job I'd been

doing. For the rest of the time, I wasn't.

One hour and 57 minutes, Mary, I sat there and took it.

And all that time, a pressure was building up inside me, kind of like

in a boiler.

I get this way, Baxter's around, and I can let it out on him.

In short bursts, or on occasion, one big blast.

Now, with him not around, I can't let it out.

Mary, I could hurt myself.

Mr. Grant, you want me to try him at home? No.

It doesn't work on the phone. I gotta see his face.

When he gets here, tell him to get his face into my office.

Just a temporary until the real one grows in underneath.

How do you like it?

Oh, well, it's very nice.

Makes me feel like I'm with it, you know?

What do you think, Murr?

I like it better on your hand than on your face.

Pretty clever, eh? You know, it takes most people a month to grow a mustache

like this. But with this, I can look like this right away. Then in a month,

have a real one underneath that looks just like this.

And when I take this off, I'll have all that, and that'll look just like this.

Ted. Don't marry. He may repeat it.

Lou was looking for you, Ted.

Tell him I'll catch him later.

I've got a very important meeting upstairs. Say, Mayor, can I borrow your

My rose?

Your rose.

Yeah, sure.

Thanks. I'll buy you a real one tomorrow.

Ted, that is a real one.

It is? Gee, it looks so pretty, I thought it was plastic.

Gee, isn't nature amazing?

To be able to make a flower as good as a factory.

And then, Ted asked if he could borrow my rose.

Your rose?

Yeah, that's what I said. Why would anyone want to borrow a rose?

Maybe he's decorating a tiny little float for the New Year's Day parade.

Did you see the news tonight?

Oh, yeah. Weird.

But what did you think of the mustache?

Very sexy.

But you know, Mayor, was it my TV set or my imagination?

About halfway through the show, did it tilt?

Yeah.

That was kind of unfortunate.

What happened was that Ted sneezed during one of the commercial breaks,

well, nobody noticed it until it was too late.

Hey, Mayor, I bet I know why Ted's been acting weird. Yeah? Why?

Will you take my word for it? You're talking to the expert on men falling in

love. With other women, of course.

When a guy starts acting weird, tries to look sexy, and borrows a rose, he's

either in love or trying to stay out of the army.

Listen to this.

The Dayton Rhinos won the Central Division football championship last

37 ,000 deliriously happy fans celebrated their victory, setting fires,

over cars, and breaking every window in the city hall.

I wonder what they would have done if they'd lost.

It's gone.

What's gone? My rose. Somebody took my rose.

Morning. I bet Ted took it. Oh, hey, Mary, I've accused Ted of being a lot of

things, but he is no common, ordinary roastie. Murray, I'm telling you, Ted

it. Look, the little drips go all the way out the door.

So did the big one.

You know something?

I think Ted is in love. Ted has been in love ever since he was a baby and saw

his reflection in the bathwater.

Hope it isn't anybody nice.

No.

Baxter around?

Uh, well, he was. You just missed him.

Oh, esteem, Mary.

Esteem. Did you just come from another meeting?

No, but in ten minutes, I'm going to one.

And do you know what the subject of that meeting is, Mary?

Ted Baxter's mustache.

Don't they like it? They don't know. They haven't tested it yet.

How do you test a mustache?

Who knows?

Who cares?

But for two hours, I'm going to have to...

You want me to try and find him? Oh, yes.

Do, do.

Hi,

Mary. Oh, hi.

Hi. Hi.

Anyone seen Ted?

Uh, no. As a matter of fact, we're looking for him ourselves.

Oh, I just wanted to thank him for leaving this on my desk.

Oh, what a shame.

It's somebody nice.

Back to Ted and Betty. I was staring right into their booth.

So what were they doing?

Rhoda, he obviously took her to that dark restaurant because he didn't want

be seen with her. I mean, did you see what he did when he saw us seeing him

her? How could I? Every time I started to look, you said, don't look, don't

look. Well, he had his arm around her and everything was very cozy. And then

saw us and he pushed her away and started treating her like a stranger.

I know that feeling.

I once had a date do that to me when I ordered steak.

tight about being seen with her. Hey, Mary, I know. I'll bet she's married.

No, I know her. Betty works here at the station. Chuckles the clown is her

father.

Betty the clown.

Mary, please don't go on with this. This whole thing is getting entirely too

sordid. You know, it really is kind of fun watching Ted act like a teenager in

love. And Betty has been so happy. You know, just glowing and smiling.

Mary, hi, Rhoda. Hi, Betty. What's new?

Here, Betty, come on. We'll go into Mr. Grant's office.

You want to sit down?

No, no, I'm too... Mary, I just have to find out... I don't know

you, do I?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Rhoda Morgenstern, Betty Bowerchuk. Huh?

Bowerchuk?

Bowerchuk! Are you...

to Bill Bowichuk from New York City?

No. He used to date my sister. Nice guy.

Yeah.

So... Well,

Mary, don't tell anybody, but Ted and I have sort of secretly been going

together for almost two weeks now. Oh, really?

Yeah. And I just have to ask somebody, is it true that there's a company policy

that two employees can't fall in love?

Wait, did you ever hear a dumb thing like that?

Ted told me.

Oh, well, maybe I did hear something like that. I told him I never heard of

rule. But he said that if anyone from work sees us together, we'll both be

fired. So at the restaurant today.

So that nobody would think we were together.

He made me pay my own check.

What do you think would be better if I didn't, you know, and you did?

Please. Carl Bowichuck. His name wasn't Bill.

It was Carl.

Are you related to him?

No.

I'm finished. That's the only Bowichuck I know.

Listen, Betty, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come over to my place for

dinner tomorrow night and we can talk a little more about it then, huh? Oh, I'd

like that.

Okay. Just a sec.

Oh, excuse me.

For a second there, I thought I'd walked into the ladies' room.

No, we were just, uh, just leaving.

That's going to work out just perfect, isn't it?

Come

here.

Oh, hi, Ted.

This is Ted. What do you think?

Of what?

My mustache.

It's real.

Isn't it wonderful?

I told you it would look like this.

My own grew in. I threw the fake one away.

Well, it looks just as real as the fake one did.

Thanks. Listen, um, Ted.

I wanted to talk to you about Betty.

Who? Betty Bowerchuk.

Who's that?

The girl you have been secretly going with for over two weeks.

Oh, that Betty. Is her last name Bowerchuk? I didn't know that. Oh, come

Ted, you know perfectly well what her last name is.

Ted, I know about you and Betty.

You do?

How much do you know?

Not much.

Good.

Ted, listen, I asked Betty to have dinner at my place tomorrow night, and I

wondering if you would like to come, too. Tomorrow night? Uh -huh. Dinner?

Betty? Yes.

What are you having?

Ted!

Well, I thought I'd like to bring a nice bottle of something to go with it. Oh,

well, no, you don't have to do that. I'll just go to my liquor dealer and

out something special. Well, thanks.

No.

unfashionably late.

Well, where's Betty? Oh, she had to work tonight.

On Saturday night?

No, Chuckles is doing a guest shot at the Mayflower Market.

She'll be here as soon as all the candy and balloons are gone. Oh, good.

Taste of the bubbly?

Oh, look here.

It's not that domestic stuff either. It's imported from Los Angeles.

Really delicious.

I'll put it on ice anyway. You save her.

finished. I'll go right ahead, Mary. You need any help? No, thanks.

Well, I don't mind. Would you like me to shell those peas?

Well, okay.

You know, I used to do this for my mother when I was a kid.

I used to do that, too.

I tell you, Ted, it's so crowded in here. Why don't you just go into the

room? It'll go faster that way.

That's what my mother used to say.

wash these off?

No, just give them to me, Ted, and I'll throw them away.

She used to say that, too.

Gee, it was awfully nice of you to invite Betty and me to dinner tonight.

it's a pleasure.

It's fun to have someone to cook for.

You didn't invite anyone else from the station, did you?

No. Good.

You know, Ted, the other day I was sort of going through the company rule book,

and, uh... Uh -huh.

Maybe it was another company I worked for.

Maybe it was the Navy.

Well, anyway, if we don't have a rule like that, we should have.

Why? Because it gets in the way of the work, and women just... Well, you know

how they are.

Isn't Betty sort of special?

Well, sure, she's very special, but I start to think of where this could lead.

Well, you know, marriage.

I see us walking down the aisle.

I see the minister and I see the best man smiling and I see my mother crying.

And I see this guy in the red nose and the orange hair and the baggy pants

waiting to throw a pie at me.

Mary, I can't have a clown for a father -in -law.

Oh, Ted.

Well, you understand, Mary, I'm an anchor man.

I've got a certain amount of dignity.

No, Ted, I don't understand. I mean, it seems to me if you really care about

somebody, it doesn't make any difference who your father -in -law is.

to David Eisenhower.

Ted, I'm sorry, but I just don't believe that's your reason.

Okay, Mary.

I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.

What if she really doesn't love me?

I mean, what if I get engaged to her and tell everyone and even have my

engagement picture in the paper?

Then she...

Really, right?

Well, Ted, that's one of the chances you have to take.

That's easy for you to say. You've never been dumped by somebody.

Ted, sooner or later, everybody gets rejected.

Well, not me. You don't love somebody, you don't get rejected.

You don't get loved, either.

Well, I just... I just couldn't stand being hurt.

When you got hurt, did it hurt?

Yeah, it hurt a little. It was a good hurt.

I mean, it wasn't permanent or anything. I mean, here I am.

Then I could love her and maybe get hurt and maybe not. But even if I did,

it wouldn't be too bad, would it?

Well, certainly better than holding it in.

You know, I've been wanting to tell her I loved her ever since that first day

when she...

leaned over me and looked in my eyes and scraped meringue off my face.

Well, then tell her.

I will. You just watch me. The minute she gets here, I will.

Well, listen, Ted, you know, you don't have to do it in front of me or

Well, no, I've got to do it now before I eat.

You're more than just pleasant. You're the most pleasant person I know.

In fact, you're wonderful.

In fact... In

fact... Mary, I think we'd better leave the room before we hear the rest of the

in fact. I think you're right.

In fact, I...

You know what I've got here?

What? The results of the test on Ted Baxter's mustache.

I'm glad I didn't test the rest of him. I'd never be able to lift it.

Hi. Hi, guys. Hi.

Ted, here's the response to your mustache.

Oh, how'd it do?

Well, I won't bore you with all these charts and graphs, but this is what it

boils down to.

Hmm.

Ten percent of the Minneapolis television view. did not like it. Well,

means 90 % of them did.

No. The 90 % never saw your mustache.

They were watching the other channels.

Oh, one of those tests, no, anyway.

Murray likes it, don't you, Murray? No, Ted.

Mary? Uh, well, not... Lou?

I don't care what anybody says.

Betty likes it, don't you, Betty?