Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

Girl, this time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have it down, why don't you

take it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make it after long.

My photographer said he's having a heck of a time.

Almost sent me Cary Grant's pictures by mistake.

For some zany reason, he thinks I look like Cary Grant.

Except he's got a deeper cleft.

Yes. You know, I keep leaving little notes to myself.

Remember, Cary is the one with a deep cleft.

Not that mine is shallow, mind you. It's just that his is so abnormally deep.

Hi. Hi. Long lunch, our mayor?

Uh, no, no. I wasn't at lunch all that time. I...

I had a doctor's appointment.

Murray, do you think that you could take over the production charts for me for a

couple of days? I'm going to be out. Sure. Is anything wrong?

No. No. Hey, no. Everything is just fine. I just am going into the hospital.

The hospital? That was everything, Mayor. What's wrong? Now, wait a minute.

Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it. Why shouldn't she want to talk about

it? Because sometimes people don't want to talk about these things. Oh.

Mary, sometimes it helps to talk about these things.

Look, Murray.

inconsequential. It isn't even anything.

I'm only going to be gone a couple of days.

Is Mr.

Grant in his office? I have to have him sign a couple of forms. Yes, isn't that?

Mayor.

Mayor, I may be a little out of line, but before you do anything drastic in a

hospital, I just want to say that I like your nose the way it is.

to take up any more of your time.

Mary, if you want me to sign this hospitalization form, I have to know

signing. And you haven't filled in the part about why you're going in.

It's, uh, it's not one of those woman subjects.

Uh, no.

It's not dangerous.

No. So what is it?

Can't you give me a little hint?

Mr. Grant, it's just, it's such a teensy little thing.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't think that where it says reason for hospitalization, they'll accept

teensy little thing.

Hey.

Tell you.

No calls.

I'm having my tonsil out.

Your tonsil?

One of them grew back. See, I told you it was just a teensy little thing.

So what are you making such a big deal out of it for? I'm not making such a big

deal out of it for. I told you it was a teensy little thing. Calling it a teensy

little thing made a big deal out of it.

How come you're keeping it such a big secret?

Because it's a little embarrassing to be having your tonsils out when you're 30.

Oh, because it's something only kids have done. Right, and on top of that,

only one tonsil.

Well,

let me put your mind...

At ease.

Anytime you're having a tonsil out at your age, it can be pretty serious.

Well, I mean, anytime you're lying there on an operating table and there's some

guy with a knife standing over you... Mr. Grant, you see, that's another

that I wasn't particularly anxious to talk about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Look, just forget what I said. You know, it's just a kid's

operation.

Still, I'm very nervous about it. You know, I have a thing about hospitals. I

know it's silly, but... No.

I know how you feel.

Can I see you for a second? I need you to check out this story.

Come on in.

Just came in over the wire.

Tonsils. Oh, I don't believe it.

Well, if you didn't want us to be curious, you shouldn't have made such a

deal out of it.

Tonsils? Well, that's nothing.

Something kids get.

It's nothing like my operation.

What did you have, a lobotomy?

I don't know.

Well, what was it, Ted?

Surgery.

Well, you don't think you're born with a face like this, do you?

They all figured it was from you.

Oh, listen, I meant to tell you, there's a toy ambulance parked downstairs.

Is that for you?

Are you finished?

No, no, I got one more.

Now, little Mary Richards, you're going bye -bye to a nice white moon.

Yes, you are.

You'll put your little heady down and go to sleep and have sweet dreams.

And then...

Rhoda, it's a kid's thing if a kid is having it done. If I'm having it done,

it's a grown -up Mary thing. I don't know. Seems to me a couple of days in

hospital would be a nice rest.

Especially if you have a good roommate.

I'll probably have some brave little six -year -old.

Let's hope it's somebody I can get along with. I know what you mean, Mayor. When

I went in, I was hoping I'd have a roommate I could get along with. But I

up with a woman.

You know, why don't you get a private room? Now my insurance only covers semi

-private.

nice to have a roommate. You know, somebody to talk to. If you can talk.

Rhoda!

Mary is going to be great.

Lounging around, being waited on, hand and foot, lying in bed in your

fantastically sexy nightgown.

What fantastically sexy nightgown? I'm glad you asked that question.

Here is your going to the hospital present. Try and guess what it is.

Right.

Rhoda, if this is a pair of pajamas with... I'll kill you.

Nope. No meat in that.

Rhoda, listen, it's really beautiful, but, you know, to wear this in a

you have to have led an entirely different life from the kind I've led.

Now, listen to me, Mary.

You're going to a hospital where there's, what, 600 bored, restless

There'll be, like, 12 interns, maybe two residents.

That's it. In a situation like that, You take any edge you can get.

Listen, Roni, it is, it's beautiful.

It really, but I think I'll save it for another time.

Oh, there's the cab. Will you put the stationery in the bag for me? Sure.

Oh, she didn't argue.

You know, Mary, if your operation goes well, I'm thinking of having 11 pounds

fat removed surgically.

Miss Richards.

I'm in here changing. Your roommate is switching rooms. She'll be with you in a

minute.

a supper show or have you gone on already?

You mean this nightgown thing? Well, it's not really mine.

Yeah. Well, this isn't mine either. I borrowed it from Princess Grace.

Listen, I was just wondering which bed you'd like. Either one is fine with me.

You know, if there is anything I love, it is long debates concerning bed

assignments while I'm standing here on crutches. Right, yeah, that's right.

Well, I'll take this bed.

Unless you'd rather have... What difference does it make? You're right.

Wonderful.

Can I help you? I can do it myself.

You know, I was a little nervous when I came in and I saw the empty bed.

I mean, boy, you can sure use company in a hospital.

Uh -huh.

I understand that you were in another room?

Mm -hmm.

What was it like?

Pretty much like this one, I guess.

So how come you changed rooms?

Because of my roommate.

Your roommate?

Yeah, she kept wanting to talk.

Hello. Want a TV?

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes, thank you. I'd like one.

Oh, good. I got TV for nothing.

Isn't that nice? I didn't know they did that. They don't.

I mean, you didn't think you got it for free, did you?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I knew that.

Well, let's see how much it could be.

Brand new TV only costs, what, $200.

They charge you, what, a dollar a day.

$7 .50. $7 .50.

Oh, sir, I'm only going to be in here for a few days, so I won't need the TV.

Oh, oh, that's swell. Oh, you are just beautiful.

Here, you got me all hyped up for TV, and then you don't want to... On the

hand, what can it cost? I'll only be in here for a couple of days. Good.

Okay, this is your remote control.

Tell you how to work it.

Remote control.

Oh, sir.

Sir. Could you tilt that just a little bit this way?

Just a little bit. That's just perfect.

300 points.

Who is the Prime Minister of Canada?

Marvelous. Yes, just marvelous. So you're coming to visit.

Would you turn the sound down on the TV set?

Bert, just because I broke my leg does not mean that we are going to patch

things up.

Bert, listen, I can't talk. There's this go -go dancer here hanging on to

everything.

Yeah, okay, marvelous. So you're coming to visit tomorrow. Right, I'll circle it

on my calendar. Right, bye -bye.

Well, did you enjoy the conversation?

Mrs. Kuhn, it's, you know, it's pretty hard. not to hear a conversation when

you're just a couple of feet away.

Listen, you know, we're going to be in here for a couple of days together.

you think it'd make life a lot pleasanter if we both just kind of

Hey, how about some candy?

Relax, relax. Now, there is a laugh for you.

I go on my first vacation in eight years, go on a skiing weekend, and the

five minutes I break my leg.

Were you just a beginner?

I didn't even get that far.

Fell on the ice getting out of the car.

here for a broken leg. I'm here for an ulcer.

An ulcer?

Yeah. The broken leg aggravated the ulcer my husband gave me. Oh, you just

one thing right on top of the other, haven't you? I don't know how you...

me. Excuse me. You have probably noticed by now that I am not exactly Miss

Congeniality. So why don't you just go back to your bed, huh?

Honestly, wouldn't you really much rather watch the tube than listen to me?

Not really.

What, are you weird?

I mean, do you really enjoy listening to people tell you what's wrong with them?

Of course I do. It's not that serious. Just an ulcer and a broken leg.

Unless my allergy to chocolates flares up.

Well, what are you in for?

Why don't we turn on the TV?

When do they get all the channels here?

Listen, it's after six o 'clock. There is one show I just cannot miss. Oh, I

gotta see that. Ted Baxter in the news.

You're kidding.

Oh, but this is the most fantastic coincidence.

Guess what I do. Go on. Guess what I do for a living. And I'd like to make a

correction on the correction I made yesterday.

It seems I was originally correct, so the correction I made was, uh,

What an idiot.

I tell you, this show gives me the biggest laugh of my day.

So, uh, what do you do for a living?

I'm a stewardess.

Good morning.

Hi. I just wanted to drop in and say hello before we go into surgery.

I hope everything goes all right.

Well, that's going to be more or less up to you, isn't it?

Oh, no. I'm your anesthesiologist.

You know, I just knock you out.

Well, it's certainly very nice of you to drop by like this. Well, I try to make

a habit of it.

Oh, what's this?

That's my bill.

You haven't done anything yet. Well, I know, but I'm the first person that

everybody forgets about when they get out of the hospital.

People, you know, plan on going to see their doctor again, and so he gets paid.

But whoever wants to see me again, right?

Well, do you expect me to pay you now?

Oh, no, you don't have to.

Unless you want to.

No, I think I'd just as soon wait.

I didn't think you'd want to.

Well, goodbye.

I guess I won't be seeing you again.

Listen, I'll pay my bill, I promise.

I hope you mean that.

Oh, I do, I do.

Hi, Mary.

Hi. Hey, you're looking great, kid.

How do you feel? Fine. Hey, that's some terrific nightgown. Yeah, I'll get you

for this.

Hi, Mary's roommate.

Oh.

I would like you to meet my friend Rhoda Morgenstern.

Wonderful.

I am going to go freshen up, which in my case could take a week.

At least you didn't get a six -year -old kid for a roommate.

Poor lady. Her whole life is such a mess. She's got a bad leg and a bad

and a bad stomach.

Speaking of stomachs, how's your throat?

Oh, pretty good. It went very well. It's just, you know, a little sore.

Good. Listen, I brought you some ice cream.

But I see you already have some.

Yes, I've been having some all day. And, Rhoda, I couldn't look at another

spoonful. I would have been here earlier, but as I came in the hospital,

stupidly took the wrong turn and ended up where?

The doctor's lounge.

Which reminds me, I brought your bed jacket. Oh, thank you. Mary, thank you.

Hey, your ice cream is going to melt. I'm going to go see if I can find a

refrigerator. Okay, be right back.

Hi. I'm here to see Loretta.

Oh, you must be Bert. Yeah.

You must be the go -go dancer.

Where do you live?

I'm not a go -go dancer.

Loretta said you were a dancer. No, I'm a stewardess.

Which ailments?

I freelance.

Freelance?

Hi, Loretta.

You know, nobody could ever make me believe you're sick.

Absolutely terrific.

He said that about Cincinnati.

I'm just trying to say how nice you are.

You know, you don't lose an ounce of your appeal to me even with that broken

leg. That's too bad.

Hey, Loretta, I brought you a new book.

Try to guess what it is. The Sensuous Woman.

Yeah.

I read it.

Found it in a waste paper basket in the maternity ward.

Gee, you look terrific.

Oh, hey, you didn't have to come.

Oh, we missed you. We wanted to.

Hi. Hi. Oh, Murray Slaughter and Mr. Grant, I'd like you to meet Bert and

Loretta Kuhn.

Wonderful. I brought you some ice cream. Hope you like vanilla.

Oh, I do.

A lot.

You better.

Hey, Mary, I found a refrigerator.

Looks like I have to make another trip. Bye. Bye, Mary.

I don't mind making another trip because the refrigerator is in the doctor's

lounge. I'll come back and say goodbye before I leave. If I ever leave that

lounge.

Pleasant person.

Yes. So how are you feeling, Mary? How'd it go? Oh, just fine. Just a little

sore.

Great. Great.

And how's everything at the old salt mines?

Great.

So when are these visiting hours over?

Oh, yeah.

I guess the nurse will probably come and tell us.

Yeah, probably.

There's only one chair, Lou. You want to take it?

No, no.

You take it. You know, I've been sitting all day. Go on.

Yeah, Daddy, well, I'm sure it'll all work out. Yeah, bye -bye. Excuse me.

First, what are you writing all over my cast for?

You're supposed to sign a cast.

Hey, you guys want to sign it?

Well, I don't know.

Come on, write on it. We got a whole leg to fill up.

Okay.

Come on, you two.

You sign for me, Murray.

Bert, I would like to thank you very much for making me feel like Roman's

Chinese theater.

I come down here to cheer you up and this is what I get, huh? Bert, will you

hold it down? Just hold it down.

Shh.

stranger signing my leg.

So, uh, everything went okay, huh? Just fine.

Good evening, everybody.

Good to see you all.

but we should hold it down, though.

Who's behind there, anyway?

Listen, Bert, is it so hard to understand? I just don't feel like

my cast right now. It would do you good. Besides, that's what's making you so

tense. I enjoy being tense, but if it's going to worry you, why don't you leave?

Then I'll feel a lot less tense.

Visiting hours are over, but I won't say anything if you want to stay an extra

ten minutes.

No!

I'll see you next week, Mary.

Yeah, yeah. Stop this.

Stop this goofing off and get back to work.

Thank you.

I'd like to know who it is back there that called me an idiot.

I'm going to leave now. Good.

Loretta, I won't be alone out there. Yeah, I know. Say hello to your mother.

They don't just give you the bill, Mary. They shake you by your heels till they

get their money.

Too bad your tonsil took this long to give out. Why couldn't this have

while your body was still on the warranty?

Listen, Rhoda, why don't you go on downstairs? I'll meet you there in a

I want to wait for Mrs. Kuhn.

Yeah, where is Mary Poppins today, anyway?

She's having her cast replastered. Her cast replastered? Yeah, well, her

Bert wrote his name all over it, and since they've split for good, she's

covering it up.

Covering it up, huh?

Sure. That's how you know when a relationship is over.

When you get your cast replastered.

Boy, you know this has been the strangest few days.

How do you mean strange, ma 'am?

Well, I mean, I practically lived with her. I listened to her fights. I

overheard her phone conversations. And we hardly know each other. We're perfect

strangers still.

Mary, if you're thinking you should get to know her better, forget it.

The Statue of Liberty would turn that woman away.

Just that it's a funny feeling when you know that you're not going to see

anybody again. Do you know that feeling?

Sure. I get it a lot. On first dates.

Mrs. Kuhn?

Goodbye.

Mrs. Kuhn, I'm back.

Because even though we didn't really get to know each other, Still in awe.

Look, I know what you're trying to say, and I'll take two boxes of your cookies.

Okay, Mrs. Kuhn, I give up. You win.

Terrific. Wonderful.

I wanted to be friends, and you didn't want to, and so you won.

The only thing I don't understand, Mrs. Kuhn, is what did you win?

Nothing.

Look, I've kind of been out of it. You know, I mean, between the... and the leg

and my ulcer, it all kind of got to me, and I got kind of, well, you know.

Well, Mary, you may not know this, and it may hit you ten minutes from now, but

I'm apologizing.

No, hey, it hit me right away.

Listen, goodbye and good luck. Yeah. All the best. Right.

Oh, say, Mary, listen, before you leave, could you do me a favor?

Could you tell me where you got that nightgown, you know, the go -go thing?

You're kidding.

You really want to know?

Yeah. Well, it was a present, but I'll find out and I'll call you. Oh, that's

great because, well, see, I decided to go back to my husband and I thought it

might be great for a second honeymoon.

Oh, that's great. You're going back to Bert.

No, I'm going back to my husband.

Did you think Bert was my husband?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I didn't think that. Did I say Bert?

Oh, well, no.