Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

Girl, this time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have it down, why don't you

take it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make it.

How come Ted's getting so much mail lately?

Oh, I guess it's in response to that editorial he did last week against Junk

Mail. He told people they could send in for printed copies.

You really want to help stamp out Junk Mail? Yeah.

Don't send out copies of Ted's editorial.

Oh, no.

Not another rejection.

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, poor Murray.

He's been writing this play for three years.

You know, you'd think those Broadway producers would be sensitive enough to

more than just...

Stick mimeograph rejection slips in when they send it back, wouldn't you? What

do you mean?

Well, you know, something like a nice handwritten note saying, Good work,

Murray. Nice try.

Love, David Merrick.

Well,

when you shoot high like Murray's doing, you've got to expect to be

disappointed.

I know.

What do you mean, you know? You don't think I want to stay in the mailroom all

my life.

I've got my eye on another job.

Oh, what job is that?

Yours.

No reason you couldn't be associate producer?

Yeah. I like the title.

The work seems easy enough.

I just don't know if I can take the cut and pay.

Hi. What do you say, Mel? Morning, Mr. Grant.

Hi.

Another one, huh?

Yeah. That's bad.

No, poor Murray.

No, not poor Murray. Poor Lou.

You know, he's been using our postage machine to mail leaves.

I sure wish he'd stop this.

Oh, you don't mean that.

Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant. What's wrong with Murray wanting to be a playwright?

Look, Murray is a terrific news writer.

He makes Ted Baxter sound almost intelligent.

What's wrong with doing that for a living?

Well, nothing.

What do you want to be?

What do you mean? I gather you have some ambition beyond that of associate

producer. Well, you know, wife and mother, but... Other than that, I'm

happy doing what I'm doing. Then you're the only one in the office. Perhaps the

whole building. Maybe even the world.

Everybody wants to do something else.

Look.

This is a little something from Ted.

It's a television series idea called The Ted Baxter Show.

What's it about?

Beats me. All he submitted was the title.

I guess he thought I could just take it from there.

Here's an idea for an original musical comedy from Gordy the Weatherman.

Fair and warmer.

How is it? Predictable.

And here's the worst one of them all.

My novel.

Mr. Grant, you wrote this?

Beautifully typed.

That's what the last publisher said.

I thought I was going to be the new Norman Mailer or something.

What's it about?

It's based on my experiences on Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal.

Wow, that sounds exciting.

Do you want to read it?

Oh, yes, I'd really like that.

Twenty -two publishers used the word dull.

How could your experiences on Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal be called dull?

Well, for one thing, I was there in 1958.

over there. Why don't you go have a cup?

Do you know, Murray, we never see enough of each other. How's Marie and all?

She's, what, seven months along now. Why don't you come over to the house for

dinner? Say, Thursday?

Where is it? On your desk.

Oh, boy.

Oh, come on, Murray. Listen, you know how many times Noel Coward's first play

was turned down before it was finally produced?

How many?

I don't know, but I'll bet it was lots of times. Not this many.

Why do you want to do that?

Well, it just seemed like the appropriate thing to do. That's where it

It does not belong there. I happen to like your play.

Well, then I'm glad they sent it back. You can read it again.

I'll tell you one thing. That is the thickest rejection letter I've ever

Murray. Go ahead. No, don't go ahead. I know them by heart.

Our schedule is full, or unfortunately we are not in the market for any new

productions at this time. How about, and we are delighted to do your play. Yeah,

that one.

play. We plan to go into rehearsal within the next few weeks.

Enclosed are the standard dramatist guild contracts for your signature.

The Twin Cities Playhouse is proud to have a play of this caliber by a

new local playwright as part of our 17th season of... Wait a minute. I

don't remember submitting my play to the Twin Cities Playhouse.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Well, how do you suppose they got it?

Hi, guys.

Hi. See, Murray, I... I just read this item I think we should use. It's about a

man who went on television to make a plea to send turkeys to convicts. For

or for dinner?

I don't know.

I think it was in Arkansas.

Yeah, I think they're doing the same thing in Arkansas, too.

How do you like that? It's burning from state to state.

Speaking of turkeys...

Ted, last year when you acted in that production of The Man Who Came to

what was the name of that theater group?

The Twin Cities Playhouse.

I'm their resident star.

I'm the only really big name they've got.

Ted, did you know that they're going to do Murray's play?

Oh, are they good? I was hoping they might. I submitted it to them. Where did

you get your hands on it?

Well, in the mailroom. I accidentally came across it when I was going through

fan mail. I was halfway through it before I realized it was your play. You

the whole script?

Well, most of it.

I'm surprised it held your interest that long. It doesn't have any pictures.

Come on.

The point is, Ted submitted it, and they're going to do it, and that's the

important thing. Oh, it's important to me, too, Mary. You see, I'll undoubtedly

play the lead.

If you'd like some tickets, Mary, I might arrange it for you.

Maybe he won't be too bad.

The star of the play that I worked on for three years can't pronounce the

of states.

Wait, don't answer.

I left home because of questions like that.

Okay, I won't answer. Good.

So, where have you been?

Tonight, for example.

I was at the theater.

They don't dress up much for that anymore, do they?

What'd you see?

Well, I didn't exactly see anything.

Bad seats?

No.

Oh, Rhoda, if I tell you, you'll make a whole big deal out of it. I'll make a

whole big deal out of it if you don't tell me. That's true.

Well, I'm in sort of a play.

Oh. And I didn't tell you because I knew if I did, you'd start putting it down.

Why would I do that?

Because you're very competitive.

Well, yeah.

You're warm.

I'm very pleased you got a big part in a play.

Terrific.

So what did you have to do to get it?

about a newsroom, and there's a part in it, a girl who works there, single, and

whose name is Mary.

Wonder why they thought of you.

You know, what'd she like, this girl in the play? Real cute and perky, right?

Um, well, yeah.

Ted Baxter talked me into auditioning for the part, and I got it.

You know, it's really kind of fun.

I'm having a lot of fun with it.

You know, Mary, I've had quite a bit of theatrical experience myself.

Oh, really? No, I didn't know that.

Streisand and I went to high school together.

Uh -huh.

We did.

Well, not exactly together. I mean, she was there three years after I was.

But it was definitely the same high school.

Well, with all that theatrical background, then, you undoubtedly know

all tinsel and glitter, right?

I mean, Rhoda, look, I do have to memorize this play by day after

so...

lonely at the top.

At least that's what Barb's always used to tell me.

Hey, Rhoda, would you do me a favor? Please don't start treating me like I'm

show business.

I mean, I'm still working in the newsroom, huh? This is just something

for fun, okay?

Okay. Good night, Mary. Good night.

So what are you going to change your name to?

except for Ted.

You know, you're really very good. You've got a real flair for comedy. Oh,

thanks. I had a little stage experience in college.

Oh, like what?

I was a homecoming princess.

That's terrific training, all right. Yeah.

Well, who needs experience when the part is that good?

I mean, it's so funnily written. Hey, thanks.

Hey, Murray?

Hmm? Do you really think that I'm that dumb?

What are you talking about, Mary?

Well, you know, it can't be a coincidence. The girl I play...

Has my name. She works at my job and is pretty much of a, you know, dum -dum.

Mary, it isn't you.

Sure, the character is somewhat like you in some ways, but I made that stuff up

about her being a dum -dum for the sake of the comedy.

Look, I'm a writer.

Some of it is like you and some of it isn't.

What about the part about her being attractive?

That was based on you.

Thank you.

I took the liberty of reading your script last night, and it's very good.

Oh, thank you, Lou.

Very good.

However, I'm a little confused about the character who's the head of the

newsroom. I believe he's called Lou.

Every time he speaks, he seems to be yelling or shouting.

Does somebody around here named Lou do that?

some of it is like you and some of it isn't.

Oh, I see.

I was certain that was it.

I was also fairly certain that in your rewrite you changed the name of that

character. You know, I intended to do that.

I thought you might. Thank you.

Oh, Murr.

I'm having a little disagreement with the director.

He refuses to put up applause signs.

Uh, Ted, I don't think they have applause signs in the theater.

Well, then how do the people know when to laugh or applaud?

In your case, it might be a problem.

Another thing, Murr, I think the script needs a little pinching up. You mean

punching up? And who said it needs punching up? Well, my lines are a little

weak. I mean, everybody's getting laughs but me.

Work on it, will you, Murr?

I've got to have it all put on cue cards pretty soon.

If there is nothing else, I have work to do. How about my part, Murr, the

anchorman? I'm sure it'd be easy to punch it up a little. I mean, it's so

with material.

Actually, it was the hardest part to write.

Oh, why's that?

Because, Ted, basically, I consider Anchorman to be colorless and dull.

Many of them are.

Work on it anyway, will you, Murr?

This must be fun for you, seeing your play come alive like this.

Come on, Murray. There are some good points about Ted being in the play.

Name one.

Well...

produced for you in the first place?

Name one.

Come on, Murray, it's your play. People aren't finally going to see it. You had

to say that? The fewer people who see it, the better. Oh, Murr, I just

remembered.

I think I have a marvelous surprise for you. You have a case of laryngitis

coming up? Oh, no.

I have pulled off the coop of the year.

I arranged for John Steinmetz to come see us opening night.

Well, that's good. At least we'll have one person there.

Happens to be the drama critic for the Times Herald.

Pulled a couple of strings and he's coming to review us.

Mary, remember how rotten I felt when I thought my play was being rejected

again? Uh -huh.

Well, looking back on that now, I think it was a high point of my career.

me, Mary, I'm not putting you on. You were really good. You know how

I am.

I was just playing myself, Rhoda. Cute and quirky and dumb. Hey, you want to

know how good you were?

You were so good, I was filled with hate and envy.

You're not just saying that?

No, I mean it.

Thanks.

Boy, oh boy.

That Ted Baxter?

I now have a new standard for terrible.

I can't imagine what that critic is going to say about it. Maybe I better

you now, Mayor. I thought I'd soften the blow.

I was sitting next to him and he kept taking notes.

He was writing down words like bad and awful.

And a couple I don't think they'll print.

No, Rhoda, I saw where you were sitting. It was next to the director.

Hey, will you give me a hand?

Sure, whatever.

Put this stamp on the table.

Um, Mary, I think one is plenty. From what I could hear, not that many people

are going to come to the party.

How'd you get stuff given the cast party anyway?

In New York, we'd all go to Sardi's and wait for the reviews.

Hey, that's a great idea. Let's go to New York and wait for the reviews.

I'll get it. Thanks. Hey, listen, no matter what you think, you were terrific

tonight.

Coming.

Hi, Ted.

We were just talking about you.

Thank you.

met my friend Rhoda Morgenstern, haven't you? No, I don't believe we have.

I guess I've met you, but you haven't met me.

I guess that's it.

Oh, what did you think of me tonight?

Well, Ted, you were just incredible.

You're too generous.

Yes.

See, Mayor, I lost track. How many curtain calls were there?

One.

It must be Maria. and Marie.

Oh, I bet he's a happy man tonight.

Hi. Arthur, Arthur.

Where are your friends? The ones that were with you at the theater? Uh -huh,

they had to go home. Right after the first act.

Oh, what a darling apartment.

I thought that the play was just great, didn't you, Mary?

Oh. Oh, Mary wrote quite a play. I'm so proud of you, honey.

And you were really just great, Mary. Oh, well, no, Marie, with a part... like

that.

What did you think of me?

You were just unbelievable.

Thank you.

What did you think, Mer?

You were everything I expected you to be. Thank you.

Will, can I get a drink for anyone?

Nothing for me, Mer.

Well, I'd love some milk. Yeah, I'll have a double scotch.

He's drinking for two.

He or she wasn't here to see the play.

You know, I think it went awfully well tonight.

I'm sorry I forgot a few lines, but I think I ad -libbed my way out of it very

neatly. Taz, saying excuse me and walking off the stage to check your

not... By the way, Mary, where's Lou?

Oh, he stopped off the Times -Herald to pick up the reviews.

Is there such a thing as a triple scotch?

Say, Mary, you know you're too modest. Why didn't you come out with me for that

second bow?

Because I thought we were supposed to wait until someone applauded.

I'll get your milk.

What are you doing in here?

Trying to think of a new word to tell Ted. If he asks me again what I thought

his acting, I'd run out of noncommittal ways of saying rotten.

Would you just stick out there, please? I invited you here because you're fun at

a party.

I'm not fun at a party where there's a lot of single men and you do what my

mother used to refer to as mixing.

I am not fun at a party where one of the men is here with his pregnant wife and

the other one is going steady with themselves.

Bruda, would you just please go in and get the conversation started? But just

don't bring up anything that has anything to do with acting.

Gotcha.

Hi, all.

Did any of you know that I went to high school with Barbra Streep?

in the 10th grade, we started harmonizing together.

And that's when I told her, Bob, I said, don't get your nose picked.

And the rest, of course, is history.

Mayor, what did you think of me?

Oh, Ted, playing opposite you was just... Thank you.

Mr. Grant, how's the review?

What'd he say? What'd he say?

Well, I can't find it. Where is it?

Reviews aren't on the front page, Ted.

It's on page 26.

Tragedy strikes Twin City.

Wait a minute.

That's not it. There.

Bomb hits Minneapolis.

That's it.

There's been the atomic... There's been the hydrogen, and now the worst bomb of

them all.

A play about a newsroom called All Work and No Play.

I'll vouch for the second part. There's no play here.

How does he like it so far?

Mary, why don't you read the rest of it so Ted can hear it?

Not everything about the evening was a catastrophe.

The intermission was satisfactory.

The main character is a TV... Oh, an absolute quiet.

If it were you, I'd ask the noise.

Played by an actor named Ted Baxter who obviously has no conception of what a TV

anchorman is like.

Maybe it was a mistake to make him pay for his ticket.

As you all know, I have long been an opponent of nudity on the stage.

However, in this case, I would make an exception.

At least it would give the audience something to look at.

He didn't even like my suit.

As for the performance of Mary Richards... Well... Oh,

can't take a little criticism, eh?

Well, if Mary can take it and I can take it, you can take it.

Listen to this.

As for the performance of Mary Richards, she was the one adequate note in a

dismal evening.

He liked her.

So, Marie, what are you hoping for, a boy or a girl?

Oh, yes.

Morning,

Marie. Hi.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Nothing's the matter. Everything's great.

I'm an ex -playwright, okay?

Or as John Steinmetz so aptly put it, a play wrong.

It's a good play, Murray.

John Steinmetz didn't think so. So he's only one person.

But he told half a million.

That doesn't mean they'll all believe it. No? My sister already canceled the

tickets for tonight.

Murray, I can't believe that you're going to let one man's opinion really

you like this.

I mean, you have to trust yourself.

You must know your play is good, even if the production was lousy. A writer has

to know these things.

Like, I wrote a book, and I don't care what anyone says.

I know my book is rotten.

Lou, I don't want to discuss last night anymore.

I'm a lucky guy. I enjoy this crummy job.

What's so weird about being a no -talent fairy?

Oh.

Good morning, everybody.

See how beautiful being called adequate is?

Murray, if what I have here doesn't make you feel better, then nothing will.

I don't think Norman Vincent Peale's going to do it for me today, thanks.

These are books of play reviews, including some of John Steinmetz's more

memorable criticisms when he was reviewing plays in New York.

Murray, what are you doing? Would you just listen, please?

been to some funerals and even a couple of wakes, but last night was a first for

me. I watched an actual death, a happy little number that should take a hint

expire quickly.

Death of a salesman.

Nope, it's right there.

Listen to this little beauty.

If you love George Bernard Shaw coupled with great music, I suggest you put

Mozart on your phonograph and read Pygmalion, but don't go to see an

called My Fair

He didn't like Burton?

He didn't like the play.

Murray, John Steinmetz hasn't liked one major Broadway hit in the ten years he's

been reviewing plays.

He hates everything.

What did I tell you, Murray?

That I wanted to be the first thing he liked. Oh, Murray, the point is he has

been wrong every time.

I wonder, does that mean that I wasn't even adequate?

Hey, listen to this.

Last night, a new star was born in Minneapolis. His name is Ted Baxter.

And the Twin Cities has rarely witnessed such a virtuoso performance.

Ted, that's fantastic.

I know.

I hope I only get someone to print it.

Thank you.