Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

Girl, this time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Lovers all around don't need to waste it. You can have it down, why don't you

take it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make it.

and see you come in. You know how crazy he gets when anybody's late. Yeah. Is he

in there? No, he's late.

Is this the paying mail, ma 'am? Yeah, I don't know, Ted. I haven't had a chance

to go through it yet. I don't know.

Chuckles the clown.

Chuckles the clown.

Chuckles the clown.

Clown, clown, clown, clown.

This isn't the newsroom mail.

Now, here's yours, Ted.

How come Chuckles the clown gets more mail than I do?

Good morning, Craig. It's more mail than you do.

Mary, this is for you.

A fan letter for me? Oh, I doubt it. It's from the United States Treasury

Department. Maybe it's a refund.

No, it's a letter.

It's typed.

There's a signature on the bottom, and it looks important.

So, uh, what do you think? Oh, Mary.

I'm sorry.

Deeply sorry.

Wait a minute, Ted. It's not that bad. I'm just being audited on my income tax.

Just being audited?

It's like saying you're just being drafted.

Isn't it funny how all of a sudden you get a letter and you feel guilty? I

didn't do anything wrong, I don't think.

I always say it pays to have a great tax man.

Cost me $5 more a year, but it's worth it.

Too bad I'm losing him. He's graduating and going on to college.

Well, I don't see how I could be in any trouble at all. I mean, I keep complete

records of everything. I keep such complete records, my friends kid me

What do they say? They say, Mary, you keep such complete records.

They're some funny kidders.

Well, I do. I keep the records and I declare all of my income. I, uh... I

Well,

I declare almost all my income. I mean...

If you're walking down the street and you see a dime, you don't declare that,

you? No. If you're walking around the office and somebody tells you you won

in the World Series pool, you don't declare that, do you? No.

And if you're walking around your apartment and the phone rings and it's a

college student asking you to type up his master's thesis for $75, you

Yes, you do. I didn't. They got you.

You know, Mary, you're the only person I know who bakes chocolate chip cookies

for an audit by the United States government.

Yeah, well, Murray said it wouldn't hurt to make him feel comfortable.

I didn't know you could get audited in your home.

So if they find you guilty, what do they do? Lock you in your room?

Good luck. See you later. Hey, Rhoda, why don't you stick around so I can help

break the ice?

Oh, wonderful.

Thanks a lot.

You have a date with a $20 ,000 a year engineer. It's by Rhoda. See you later.

But a T -man with an Addy machine shows up and it's, why don't you stick around?

I'm very nervous.

She's getting there and she's like, get it over with.

Will you relax? You're making a big deal out of nothing.

You know how those guys are. You'll probably be late. I got a feeling this

is awfully precise.

How can you tell? He made the appointment for 8 .03.

It's 8 .03 right now.

C. Brand from the Internal Revenue Service. And I wonder if either of you

are Mary Richards?

She's Mary Richards.

Sir.

I'm sorry. It's just that you're not the way I pictured you'd be. She thought

you were going to be old and mean. And you're young.

Mean? Yeah.

No. No.

Come on in. Thank you. Thank you.

If you need to borrow any money, I'll be upstairs.

Rereading the Constitution.

He's cute.

Listen, I'm sorry that I'm almost late, but I had a flat tire, you know, and it

slowed me up a lot driving on it.

You didn't stop to change it? Oh, no, no. That would have made me very late.

This is a nice place.

Oh, well, it's not really that nice.

It's very small, very inexpensive.

This is the whole apartment.

I even sleep in here. I sleep in my apartment, too.

You want to plug that in, don't you? Well, right over here. Oh, fine. All

Can I take your coat?

That's very nice of you.

Yes. Most people I order never ask me that. Oh, they don't? No. I think they

think that as long as I have on my overcoat, then I'll be leaving soon.

Ah, good.

A wooden one.

Well, we'll just get this show on the road now, all right?

$75 typing a master's thesis, $75 cash, which I didn't report.

I just, I forgot.

I didn't. I didn't forget. I just, I didn't know I was supposed to, but I

to report it now.

$75. I'm reporting it. That's really very nice of you. It's really funny,

though, because that's just the kind of thing we hardly ever catch.

All right, now this is going to be a very long night ahead of us, all right?

want you to sit down, relax.

Make yourself at home and have a drink, all right? Would you like a drink? I'll

have a vodka tonic.

Just as soon as I fix it for myself.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, a martini, yeah. A martini.

But I'm not allowed to drink while I'm auditing. It's highly unethical, you

what I mean? But if you're the type who doesn't mind drinking alone, then

please. I type? Oh, no.

Chocolate cookie is all I need. How about you? Oh, fine.

Nothing unethical about that. No.

All right, Miss Richards, as you probably don't know, all income tax

sent to our main office where they are analyzed, sorted, and processed by very

high -speed computers.

However, in your case, it was completely different.

Oh? Yes, yours bypassed the computers completely and came directly to my desk.

Why did it do that?

Well, you had 18 cents postage due.

Oh, well, you're... No, no, no, no, none of that. No, no, no. We'll just put it

right on your tab.

18 cents, 6 % interest.

That's six months.

All right.

Now, here.

Do you have any of your records handy?

All. All my records. I have everything. I have saved all my receipts, my check

stubs. I think just about everything you'd need is right in here.

Oh, I wonder if you have anything in a nice brown loafer.

You knew that was a joke, didn't you?

Yeah.

Well, I just... I figure why spend a lot of money on a filing cabinet? Just as

easy to keep them in the shoeboxes. And besides, that way it's a great excuse

once a year to buy an extra pair of shoes.

Oh, I see. That explains it.

Explains what?

The $14 .95 shoe deductions.

Under office supplies, the United States government will not allow that. I'm

sorry. Oh.

All righty. Fine.

Now, what have we here?

This looks like an ice cream stick. Yes, it is. I can explain that. You see,

last year I took a lot of YWCA kids on a picnic, and while we were in the park,

I bought them each an ice cream bar from the man in the truck. So I put it under

charitable donations, and the amount is written right there. I see. Well, you

know, I really hate to seem like nitpicking, but it's customary to have

salesperson's signature on the receipt. Yes, it is. Name and license number

right on the back.

Son of a gun.

That's why I don't understand why I'm being audited. I mean, I keep such

complete records. Lipstick?

$26 for lipstick?

Well, you see, Mr. Brand, I work in a television newsroom. And, well, you know

the large markers you use for the cue... Well, no, you don't. But we use large

marking pens for making cue cards. And we ran out. And the only thing I could

find was a case of lipstick in the drugstore. Can you tell me this?

Was any of this said lipstick...

Ever used on your own personal lips?

Well, it was my shade.

It

says

here that you declare your grandmother as a deduction. Yes, that's right, I do.

I lend her $45 every month. Is there anything wrong with that? That's really

admirable of you. That's really nice. However, it's not the least bit

deductible.

That should do it. Oh, good, then we're finished.

No, not at all, not at all. I have a feeling this is going to be a very, very

long, drawn -out process, so we might have to go back six or seven years, for

all I know.

Anyway, it all gets very, very messy, and I'm really very tired of talking

business. Me too. I don't know if I can take any more tonight.

Well, I wonder if maybe we could grab a bite to eat?

What?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Yes, you did. You said something. I just, I didn't hear you. No, no, I

Well,

I just wondered if, uh, well, if maybe we could have dinner.

Oh, well, thank you, but I, uh... No, I know, no. No, I know.

It's dumb, it's dumb. I never asked anybody I was auditing out to dinner

I don't know. I'm crazy. Well, I... No, look, yes, I...

Yes, that would be nice. I would like that.

Well, you know, I'm auditing this Chinese restaurant downtown.

Well,

they've got just a terrific sub gum duck. It's wonderful if that appeals to

Yes, it does.

I wonder, could I use your telephone to make a reservation? Yes, you may. Sure.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, now here comes another first.

I really never asked this of anybody I'm auditing before, but I wonder if I...

I don't get paid till tomorrow, and I could do only $10.

Sure.

Is a bribe deductible?

It's a joke.

Now, Murr, have you finished my editorial analysis of the president's

Oh, thanks, Murr.

Should I agree or disagree with him this time?

Read it. Be surprised.

Oh.

like to agree with the president.

A lot of people are afraid of controversy, but I always say, take a

Say, what the heck are you talking about?

Girl Scout week.

Good morning, everybody.

Morning, Mary.

Oh, hey, what happened with your tax audit last night?

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened?

Something always happens in a tax audit. Now, come on, tell us what happened.

Well, nothing happened. He asked me a few questions, and then he took me out

dinner.

Took you out to where?

To dinner. Dinner?

I was audited once. He didn't take me out to dinner.

Well, what happened after dinner, and how much of a tax refund are you

Look, God, I know this is going to disappoint you, but here's exactly what

happened. He took me out to a nice, ethical Chinese restaurant where we had

ethical sub -gum duck.

In between bites, he asked me questions about my grandmother. Then he drove me

home. Yes, he opened the car door for me, and that was it.

Honest. Okay, Mary.

Is it his room?

Uh, yeah, kid. I'll take those.

I'm sorry, I don't have any change.

Oh, I do.

Good.

Well, uh, were you expecting roses from anyone?

Well, not me. How about you, Ted? No. Well, I wonder who they could be for.

They're for Mary.

Well, what do you know?

Who's Robert C. Brand?

Tax auditor.

A refund, so soon?

I lent him ten dollars and he's simply paying me back.

Well, what are the roses for?

Interest.

Boy, am I stuffed.

Me too. That had to be the world's largest... Gorgeous chef salad.

What'd you expect? Did you check the size of that, chef?

I gotta get back to work. I just came up here to check out what new loot you got

from old Robert's feet.

Is this it?

Yeah, it's a candy gram.

He likes the semi -presence, but he doesn't do it unless it's related to

business. How is a box of candy related to business?

Please bring last October's check stubs.

Mushy, isn't he?

I don't know why I'm putting this in my mouth. I should just apply it directly

to my hips.

entire chef salad that i can't do that it would hurt his feelings and i can't

that mary are you going out with him because you like him or is it because

you're afraid if he doesn't like you he'll send you up the river to the big

house you know it is a really weird relationship i don't even know if we're

going out on dates do you dress up yeah then it's a date but he calls me miss

richards and we talk about withholding a lot then it's not a date it's just

steady auditing

This is Miss Richards.

Well, hello, Mr. Brand.

Miss Richards. Mr. Brand. I don't feel I should be hearing this.

Oh,

sure.

Fine. Yes, I'd like that.

All right.

I'll see you there.

Bye.

Rhoda, I just did the dumbest thing.

What? I just made a date to go right back downstairs and have another lunch.

Just a second, I'll see.

Is there a Ronald C. Grant here?

Oh, no, that's Robert C. Brand.

Phone.

Thank you. Hey, now, listen, don't talk too long. This phone is for takeouts. I

understand.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson.

Yes, well, no, I know that I'm still working on the Mary Richards case.

I know I have other cases to do.

Yes?

Uh -huh.

Well, no, doggone it. You just have to tell U .S. Dill to wait.

Uh -huh. Well, uh... Well,

anyway, I should be finished with Mary's case in about, uh... Well, very, very

soon.

Thank you very much.

Goodbye,

Mr. Jackson.

Hello, Mr. Brand.

Hi, Miss Richards.

Would you like to sit down?

Okay, you ready to order now? Yes.

Hi.

The special for today is the complete 89 -cent filet mignon steak dinner.

Do you know what you'd like to eat?

Well, I'm not terribly hungry.

Why don't you just have a salad?

Well... All right, I'll tell you what. I'll have this special and give the

lady a chef's salad.

Again? I eat here a lot.

I'll say.

Well, listen, while we're waiting, we should get some business done, all

Well, Mr.

Brand, you know, I don't think anyone here would turn us in if we didn't

business. No, I think we should do some business.

Well, we didn't do any business when we went to the movie last night.

Oh, yes, we did. I'm auditing The Usher.

Now, Miss Richards, I'm sort of stumped by this deduction here on Schedule B,

and I can't quite read your writing. Is this a four or a nine there?

it's a four.

That was me, yes.

Oh, Miss Richards, I don't know what came over me, honestly.

I saw you leaning over Schedule B like that, and I just... I'm just such an

animal. I don't know.

I have never kissed anybody I've audited before, I promise you. I've had plenty

of chances, you know what I mean? No, I know what you must think of me. No, you

don't. No, I...

I feel so cheap.

Mr. Graham, there is no reason for you to feel guilty.

It was okay.

Just okay?

Nice okay.

Miss Richards.

Yes?

Under charitable deduction, you have an item about ice cream bars.

Mr. Graham, we covered the ice cream bars.

Of course. Okay. Oh, now, here. This one under grandmother deduction.

Mr. Brand, we have covered everything there is to be covered.

Did we really?

Isn't that amazing?

Seven years, just like that.

Did that mean that you're finished with the audit?

Yes.

It's finished, yes.

Do you have any idea how much it will be?

No, no. I have no idea, but...

I'd like you to know the fact that I kissed you or didn't kiss you has no

bearing whatsoever on how much you owe, you know? I understand.

Special for the gentleman and the usual for the lady.

Where do you put it, honey?

Mary, you home? Yeah, come on in.

What are you doing?

Going through my change book, looking for mistakes.

Isn't it a little late for that? I thought he finished your audit. I'm

find some extra money. I have a feeling I'm going to owe it to the government.

What makes you think that?

Well, for one thing, I haven't heard from Robert in a week. Now, you know

got to be a bad sign.

Not even a candy bar, huh?

You know the funny thing?

I really, I kind of miss him.

Look, hon, it can't be that bad.

I mean, he kissed you, didn't he?

Yeah, but he said that the fact that he kissed me would have absolutely no

bearing on whether I owed the government money or not. Anyway, he missed.

He missed?

Well, he just sort of grazed me.

Yeah, a couple of times. Whatever you say, ma 'am.

See you later.

Right.

Hi, there.

Did you find any of that extra money yet? No.

Too bad.

Mr. Brand, you're here.

I thought you'd come in the mail.

I mean, the gift.

Come in the mail.

Please, come in and sit down.

Well, actually, this won't take... That long, yes.

Well, do you mind if I sit down?

The imago is on the inside. Just please make a check out to internal revenue

service and mail it to your nearest district office.

$8 ,000?

$8 ,000?

Oh, no, no, you don't understand. No, that's your entire income for last year.

Oh, thank you.

This is what you owe, right? Well, I...

73 cents.

Oh!

Oh, you don't have it, do you? I'll loan it to you. I'll give it to you. No, no,

it's not. I'm just so very grateful. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, you didn't cheat, did you? No, no, ma 'am. I would never cheat, ever, ever.

I, uh, well, I thought about it for a second, but I would never cheat, really.

Well, uh, well, I just want you to know that I'm, uh, I'm really very happy for

you. Yeah.

You know, your face, uh...

Doesn't look happy for me. Oh, really?

That's funny, because it's really very, very happy for you.

In fact, my entire body is very pleased.

You know, in the fix and a half years I've been auditing people's taxes, I'd

just like you to know that yours is the best.

Really.

I've enjoyed doing you more than anybody I've ever done before.

Well, you know that kiss in the restaurant.

I mean, that was no accident. I mean, you knew that, didn't you? Well.

We really had some great times, didn't we?

The ice cream sticks. Remember the ice cream sticks?

And your deductible grandmother. Remember her?

We really had some great times, didn't we?

Yeah, well.

So why are you so... So what?

So what? So tremendously depressed?

Yeah.

The good times are over.

That's all. They don't have to be over.

They don't have to be over. Oh, come on.

Please, Mary, don't kid me, all right? Because I've been in this business for a

very long time.

I know that when I'm auditing people, they're just never too busy to see me.

know what I mean? And the minute it's over, it's over.

So please, you don't have to pretend, Miss Richards. You don't have to

I didn't pretend.

I did not go out with you just because of my taxes.

I mean, look, the audit is over and I would still like to go out with you. So,

Robert, I must like you.

All right.

How about dinner tonight?

Fine.

I can't because I got to work tonight.

All right, no. Do you know what I'm going to do? I am going to quit.

That's what I'll do. I'll quit them all.

No, I won't. I can adjust.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I said it before and I'll say it again.

U .S. Steel can just... Just wait.

We have a date tonight, right?

Yes, we do.

All right.

I'll pick you up at 8 .57.

I'll make it nine -ish.

I really had a good time.

Oh, I did too.

Yeah, how much of a good time?

I mean, enough to go out next Saturday night.

Oh, yeah, great. I would like to.

Wait a minute. You know that I can't go out next Saturday night?

No, I have to go out of town.

Oh. Well, we'll do it when you get back. All right.

Let's see. I'm going to be back and forth a lot. I'm going to Boston,

Philadelphia, L .A., St. Louis, Detroit.

Gee, that's some big company you're auditing. No, it's a halfback on the

Vikings.

How about the third?

Third? Yeah, fine.

Okay.

Good. Now, how about the sixth?