Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big Girl, this time you're all alone

But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do

some giving Lovers all around, no need to waste it You can have it down, why

don't you take it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make...

Why don't you go over there and sit down and let me look for it?

Really, I'm pretty good at finding things. All right.

through the wastebasket. I always get the glamour job.

When did you last see it? See what?

Whatever it is we're looking for.

If it's gum, I just found it.

It's the Eric Matthews interview.

Who's Eric Matthews? He's the guy who wrote that bestseller, Our Men Obsolete.

Ted's got to take an interview with him for the scrutiny show.

Yeah, scrutiny.

Our spontaneous and unrehearsed look at people who make the news. And if we

don't find that script... Ted's got to go in there spontaneous and unrehearsed.

That's bad.

Mr. Grant's office.

I'm not here.

He's not... He heard you say you're not here. Who is it? It's Ted.

Where is he? Ted, where are you? You're supposed to be here taping the Eric

Matthews... What did you say?

What'd he say?

Gotta foo on a four.

Gotta foo on a four?

That sounds like Ted.

Ted, I can't understand you.

Ted, do you have something in your mouth?

A temperature of 104.

Oh, Ted.

Just tell him to stay in bed and take it easy. We'll figure something out. Ted,

you are just to stay in bed and not to worry. We'll find a replacement for you.

Goodbye, Ted.

What are we going to do about the 6 o 'clock news tonight?

Don't worry.

We have a standby for Ted.

Who?

You? What's so strange about that? I was in radio.

Only my hair went out about the time TV came in.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Mary... Sloher substituting for Ted

Baxter. Welcome to Scrutiny.

Tonight's guest is Eric Matthews. Murray!

That's what we've been looking for.

Where'd you find it? I just picked it up. It was under this table. Oh, never

mind where you find it. Go down to the studio and take that interview.

Are you kidding?

Look, it's ten after five now. At six, I'm making my TV debut.

That gives me less than an hour to check the wires, write my own copy, and get a

hair transplant.

Mary, you're going to have to interview Matthews.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Grant. I don't think I could do that. I mean, I'm not ready to,

you know. Not that I'm not flattered. It's just that you go on camera in front

with a real... Will you calm down?

I didn't mean you'd go on the air.

I mean, you'd go down to the studio, read the questions to Matthews while we

tape him.

Then when Ted's better, we tape him asking the questions.

And then you take me out and edit him in later. Right.

Oh, well.

think I could do that.

I mean, you know, that'll probably be a lot of fun.

Check that mic.

Harry, we'll start camera two on Matthews. Hi, Tom. They can't probably

substituting for Ted, right? Right. Why don't you sit down so we can line you

up? Okay.

Put camera three on Mary.

Excuse me. We'll tape in two minutes, Mary. All right, fellas, let's go.

Uh, Mr. Matthews?

Where am I?

Uh, you're in the studio.

Yeah, what city?

Minneapolis.

Thank you. Hi.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I've been on this tour promoting my book so long that all the

cities are running together.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, like, for instance, the other day I was sitting in my hotel room in

Newark looking out the window at the beautiful view, and I realized that if

was a beautiful view, it couldn't be Newark.

It must really be exhausting.

Oh, yeah, yeah. 18 cities in 24 days, you know, being interviewed by guys

never read the book, whose first question is always... Will you tell us

your book?

Right, yeah.

And then I bet they ask you, what gave you the idea to write it?

Yeah, inane questions like that, it's awful.

Well, that takes care of the first two questions I was going to ask you.

Oh, well, on the other hand, the questions are rather good.

It's just my answers are dumb, right?

Ted? Oh, no, no, no, that's not my Ted. I mean, I'm not Ted Baxter. Oh, no. But

you knew that already, didn't you? Yeah, you know.

I'm Mary Richards. I'm the associate producer on the show. You see, Ted is

So, uh, what we're going to do is I will ask you the questions that he would

have asked you, and then later they'll take me out and edit him in. Oh.

Gee, I'm sorry Ted's sick. We were supposed to go out afterwards.

I got an idea, though.

Why don't I take you out afterwards and we can edit Ted in later?

At my prayer.

How about dinner?

Uh, well, we'll talk about that later. Okay. Thank you!

Good evening, and welcome to Scrutiny.

I'm Ted Baxter.

And tonight... Have you written any other books?

Yeah, three others, but they didn't do too well. Why did this book do so well

and the others didn't? Well, in the first place, this one got published.

Well... Can you tell me, when did you first begin to think that Our Men,

Obsolete was going to be a bestseller? When I saw that they'd put a picture of

naked lady on the cover.

Our time is up. Our thanks to Eric Matthews. This is Ted Baxter.

And we'll be back next week with scrutiny.

Wait a minute.

I'd like to ask you a question, if I may. You never said when we were going

go to dinner.

Well, we'll talk about that later.

When? Over dinner.

And cut.

Tom, I'm sorry about this last part.

Don't worry about it, Mary.

It's only tape. We'll just cut it out later.

Okay, fellas, it's a wrap.

Okay, Mary, where should we go for dinner?

Well, I know of a cute little place. It's, uh...

Me,

I had a great time tonight.

You know, usually a date just means dinner or the movies or something, but

tonight was really different. How different?

Well, I think building a snowman in front of the Women's Liberation

is pretty...

they'd get a kick out of watching you melt.

Yeah, you have a nice little apartment.

Thank you. I see you've won your letter. Yeah.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, I love that print. I've got that at home.

How about some brandy?

Oh, no, no, thank you.

Cigarette? No, thanks. I don't smoke.

Oh.

Really, I mean, even before all the new evidence about smoking came out, I never

did. I was always afraid it would stunt my... You know something?

I think I'm going to quit smoking. Good for you.

That shows you've got real willpower.

Nope, I'm out of cigarettes.

Did I make it? Nope, you're short.

nice collection in this town. Yeah.

Matisse, Van Gogh. Yeah, and my favorite artist, Toulouse -Lautrec.

What's that?

Huh? Oh, that's my pillow to sit on tight, you know.

Listen, on these TV tours, you never know what you're going to run into, and

every television studio has nice tall chairs like you do.

Oh. There are none in here.

What?

Cigarettes. I've decided to take up smoking again. Oh.

Hey, is there a drugstore around?

Yeah, there's one just down the street, about two doors.

I'll be back in a couple minutes.

Okay.

to break it to you, but you're all alone.

Yeah, well, he's going to be back any second. Oh. And, oh, Rhoda, as long as

you're here, could I ask you a big favor? Sure, what?

Please go.

Do I meet him? No. Why?

Is he somebody I'm going out with? Now, Mary, you don't have to sneak around

behind my back. Rhoda, would you just listen to me? Mary, please.

Do I have to sit here and figure out what's wrong with this guy? Are you

to tell me why you don't want me to meet him? All right, I'll tell you why I

don't want you to meet him.

It's because of this.

I understand.

He means it because he's very short.

What's he do, stand on it?

Now do you see why I don't want you to meet him? You'll say something just like

that. Thanks a lot. You really think I'd make a derogatory remark about a person

just because he's a shrimp?

You see what I mean?

The drugstore's closed, so I guess I'll quit smoking again. Night.

Got a cigarette?

Eric, I'd like you to meet my friend Rhoda Morgenstern. Rhoda, this is Eric

Shrimp.

Want to watch that, kid?

Hi. Hi.

How'd it go last night? Oh, Rhoda, I don't know what the matter with me.

Eric is intelligent, he's funny, he's good -looking.

And short.

Very short.

And you know what I am?

I found out something about myself last night that's pretty upsetting.

I'm a height bigot.

My best friend's a bigot. Right. Why else would I be so hung up about height?

You know the... whole time I was out with him last night, I kept telling

about all his great qualities, and yet all I could think about was... He asked

me to go out with him tomorrow night. You know what I did? I lied. I said I

busy just because he's short.

My father's short.

See? And it didn't bother your mother, did it?

Father? She's the one who made him short.

He was over six feet when they got married.

Go ahead, joke about it if you want, but I just don't think I can. I don't think

it's funny to be a bigot.

I'm going to do something about it right now.

Hey, I don't think you can turn yourself in for that.

Eric Matthews, please.

I'm going to go out with him, and I'm going to wear high heels, I'm going to

stand up straight, and I'm not going to be self -conscious about being taller

than he is.

I hope he takes me dancing.

substituting for Ted Baxter, saying good news.

passing out idle compliments.

I wouldn't say you were great if I didn't think so.

Hey, Lou, what about that new feature I put in, Animals in the News?

Oh, yeah, I wanted to speak to you about that.

Yes? Don't do it again.

Mary, when the people found out I was doing the news for Ted, we got a lot of

calls, right?

Well, one.

One call.

Who was it?

It was Ted calling to find out if he had a lot of calls because he wasn't here.

Keep up the fair work, Murray.

Hey, Lou, look, I want to talk to you about that animal picture.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Eric. I'll be right with you. Sorry.

but I picked up this jacket today and I had to wait for them to take the emblem

off the pocket. Oh, it's beautiful.

Thanks. Where'd you get it?

Robertson's. Oh, they have a marvelous men's shop. Yeah? I got this at the

department.

Well, where are we going tonight?

To Stop and Save.

Well, that's a supermarket, isn't it? Right. You are talking to the world's

greatest cook.

Oh? And I wanted to watch that interview we did on the tube tonight, so I

figured I'd cook dinner for you at your place. Sounds marvelous.

All right, let's go.

Listen, I don't care if you did get that at the boys' department. It's a great

-looking jacket. Thank you.

Why'd you take the emblem off? It was a ducky.

Tell me, Eric, when did you first think that our men obsolete might be a

bestseller? When I saw that they'd put a picture of a naked lady on the cover.

Here comes the part they had to cut out when you asked me to dinner.

Our thanks to Eric Matthews. This is Mary L. Slaughter substituting for Ted

Baxter, saying so long... Wait a minute.

I'd like to ask you... a question, if I may. You never said when we were going

to go to dinner.

We'll talk about that later.

When?

Oh, for dinner?

I thought they were going to cut that out.

We've got a new tape editor and he's a... Little Juice?

Right.

thousand times and that's the first time i've ever asked the guy interviewing me

for a date have you got any wine vinegar yeah it's on the shelf

over the stove

room apartment, we call this area the inside.

Yeah. Oh, that must be the outside.

Uh -uh, no, that's the dining room.

Cream and sugar?

Yeah. No, thanks. No, I'll take without tonight.

what you're looking at, isn't it? No, no, no, I wasn't. I was looking at the

floor.

And the distance between it and my shoes.

I assure you, Mary, my feet do touch the floor whenever I walk.

They don't have to, wouldn't they? Right.

I really have to talk to you, Mary, about something. The fact that I'm

than you really bothers you, doesn't it? No, it doesn't. No, you're not self

-conscious about my height?

No, Eric, I'm not. I mean, when you and I are together, I'm not self -conscious

about your height.

I'm self -conscious about my height.

I mean, if I were an even five feet instead of five -six.

Honey, you're more than five -six. All right, okay, I'm five -seven. So I'm an

inch or two taller than you are. You're four inches taller than I am.

Does it bother you?

What bother me?

That you're one to four inches shorter than I am?

Honey, I made my piece with that years ago, and they asked me to play Doc in

school play.

I thought they were doing Mr. Roberts, but they were really doing Snow White.

You know, that's really fantastic, to be able to kid yourself like that.

Hey, if you like the author, you'll love the book.

The book? Yeah, my new manuscript.

I was waiting for a title before I sent it to my publisher, and you gave it to

me.

Toulouse -Lautrec is one of my favorite artists.

I didn't think you heard me say that.

Well, anyway, you named the book. Now I'd like you to read it.

You mean right now?

Yeah.

Okay.

You dedicated it to me. I thought it was appropriate.

I've never had anyone watch me read an entire book before.

I'll go out and take a walk, okay? Okay, that's a good idea.

Hey, you don't have to walk into the door unless you're wasting valuable

time. Right.

Well, it wasn't exactly magic, was it?

I thought you were Eric. You just love Eric? Yeah, no, I love his new book. His

new book? Yeah, look at that.

Mary, he dedicated it to you. Yeah.

That's as good as a proposal, kid. Oh, come on. And how can I describe how I

feel about you, my best friend, getting married?

Rhoda, I am not... It's sort of a mixture of envy and hostility.

But incidentally, I'm happy for you, too.

Rhoda, will you listen to me? You listen to me. Now, about your reception,

here's the plan.

When you go to the project, okay, your family...

Okay,

now, would you like to hear about Eric and me? Yeah, in detail.

You know how it is when you're dating somebody?

No.

You know how it is when you tell yourself that despite all the evidence

contrary that you are really just good friends?

Yeah. Well, that's the way it is with Eric and me. We are just good friends.

When you think... and 30, there are no men friends.

They're either fiancés or rejects. Oh.

Eric, I can't wait to tell you what I think of this book.

You'll have to wait until I say hi to Rhoda. Hi, Rhoda. Tell me about the

It's warm.

It's witty. It's funny.

It's... What's the matter?

Nothing. I'm just trying to figure out how to get you a job as a book reviewer.

What's the book about?

It's all about being short.

Couldn't you be a little more delicate?

I mean, he's got feelings too, you know. But no, Rhoda, that is the whole point.

That is exactly my point. My point is that everybody feels left out. They're

stuck with something, like shortness. Like some people, shortness is tallness.

What? Well, you'd have to read the... Tell her about it, Eric.

Did you get to the high school part? No, not yet. Let's talk about that high

school part. I don't usually like to throw this around, but I happen to be a

high school graduate.

about. Here is my theory.

Now, in every high school, there is a guy who is captain of the football team,

right? Yeah. He is also student body president. Yes, of course. Always. Now,

he's going with this girl who is head cheerleader.

She's also most popular, right? And she's also senior class secretary,

Yes. Okay. Now, these two people are deliriously happy.

Now, in every high school in the country, there are two happy people and

everybody else is miserable.

Right. Yeah, it's like being short, right?

Right. I've got a confession here.

When I was in high school, I had a problem like shortness.

Try and guess what it was.

You were a fat kid.

That's close, shorty.

Do you know what it's like for a girl to be overweight?

You know what it's like for a guy to be under height?

I got all the jobs nobody else wanted. Uh, science editor of the school

newspaper. Business manager of the yearbook.

Ah, what were you, Mary?

Just heat up some coffee.

Mary! I'd really rather not say.

Come on, it can't be that bad.

It's worse.

I was head cheerleader.

And most popular.

Eric, I'm so glad you're here. She does this to me all the time. She tries to

make me feel guilty for having been happy in high school.

You're the first person I ever met who could handle her.

That's her subtle Midwestern way of saying she thinks we're meant for each

other.

Okay, let's see if we are.

I was assistant equipment manager for the wrestling team.

What kind of equipment do they have? Very little.

I played the bass drum in the marching band.

You think that's bad? I couldn't get a date to go to the senior prom. Did you

get asked? Yes. Four years after I graduated.

What did you get for a graduation gift? Socks. I got a belt buckle.

Mary, what did you get?

Oh, a car.

What?

A car.

People are so unappreciative. This is my last day of filling in for Ted, and

nobody even bothered to call.

We had a lot of calls after your appearance on Scrutiny with Eric

You did?

Well, why didn't you tell me, Lou?

We didn't think you'd really want to know.

Oh, sure I want to know, Mary.

What kind of calls do we get?

A lot of people wanted to know how your dinner date with Eric turned out.