Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big Girl, this time you're all alone

But it's time you started living It's time you let someone else do

some giving Love is all around, no need to waste it You can have it down, why

don't you take it?

You might just make it after long You

might just make it

covering the riot at the prison, and I can't locate the other one. The biggest

story of the week breaks and we're doing a prison riot?

What's the story? There's a major traffic jam.

A major traffic... Mr.

Grant, why is a traffic jam more important than the prison riot?

You are so lucky.

I am going to tell you everything I know about news.

It's worth taking notes.

Oh. Don't take notes.

Why is a traffic jam more important than a prison riot?

How many people would you say are in a prison riot?

Offhand? How many?

Fifty. How many in a traffic jam?

Oh, I see.

No, you don't.

A lot of those people in that traffic jam are going to go home and watch the

news, right?

Right. Those guys in the prison riot aren't going to be watching the news.

They're either going to be over the wall or in solitary.

Did you learn something? I'll find that other crew.

Is this Mr. Grant's office?

Yes.

My name's Frank Corelli. I'll be with you in just a minute, Mr. Corelli.

Frank. Prison, would you give me the warden's office, please?

Yes,

can you tell me where the riot is today?

Oh, well, as you were taking over the office, did you happen to notice a W .J.

This situation has arisen. I'm sure Mr. Grant won't be too much longer.

I got a solve for you, Lou.

How? I dug up this film of a 1952 traffic jam. All traffic jams look

That solution could cost us our license, Murray.

We can't pull off a 1952 traffic jam as the one we're having today. The FCC

takes a very dim view of that.

Read my lead.

Today's traffic...

was the worst since 1952.

Which, you'll all remember, looked like this.

Murray, I love you. Get it to Ted.

Mr. Grant, Mr.

Corelli is here to see you.

Frank!

How goes it? Long time, no see. Yeah, I didn't know you'd recognize me after all

these years. Are you kidding?

that ever played pro ball.

Thanks, but I was only second string.

Hey, listen, I'd like to stay around and chew the fat with you, but you caught

me at a very bad time.

Why don't you tell the guys what it felt like to play on a championship team?

Go on!

Well, I really don't know. You see, they won the championship the year after I

retired. I guess it felt great.

Well, what are you doing now, Frank?

I'm in insurance.

I guess it's just been one of those days.

Yeah, I guess so. Hey, I don't suppose you'd be interested in buying some

insurance? Well, I don't think so, no.

Of course, you know, we could talk about it sometime. Yeah, when?

When? How about tomorrow night? Tomorrow. What's your address?

119 North... I don't have a pencil.

119 North Weatherly. North Weatherly. Right. Great. I shall see you tomorrow.

you'll never look better. Very funny.

Mary, I'd like to give you a chance to atone for hanging up on me today and do

service for mankind at the same time. She already did a service for mankind by

hanging up on you.

How would you... How would you both like to help abolish capital punishment?

Uh, Phyllis, there's no capital punishment in this state.

Well, that was easy.

Well, we can't give up the fight just because we've won.

All right.

dinner dance next month.

You have a dance to abolish capital punishment?

Well, it's not all frivolous. We do have an electric chair on display.

How do you feel if you're dancing and the lights flicker?

Ouch! That's all right. Get about it. I understand.

It's because the subject makes you nervous.

Even we pros have a tendency to joke about it.

Why, only this afternoon, a girl told us a joke that broke us up. You'll

appreciate this, Rhoda.

You know what the definition of a guillotine operator is? I'm afraid to

A guillotine operator is a man who can keep his head when all others around him

are losing theirs.

picked up the trusty old briefcase, and here I am.

Ladies, hope I'm not late.

Well, actually, you're about 23 hours early.

You mean it was supposed to be tomorrow?

Right. Oh, boy, am I dumb.

Well, listen, as long as you're here, Phyllis, Rhoda, I'd like you to meet

Corelli. He's going to show me some life insurance plans.

Why don't you sit down, Frank, and I'll get you some coffee. Oh, could I have

some milk instead?

Milk, sure.

Life insurance, huh?

Well, that leaves me out.

I still haven't met a beneficiary.

My husband and I are into cryonetics, so, of course, we don't need any

insurance. What's that?

Well, when Lars and I go, we will be frozen.

Then, of course, when they discover a cure for whatever it is that made us go,

we will be defrosted.

I think we could work out a plan where you wouldn't have to pay the premiums

while you're on ice.

Good thinking.

Frank, how would you like to serve humanity by stopping capital punishment

all you have to do is buy a chance? Yeah, a chance, sure.

You can win a genuine antique guillotine.

Just what you've always wanted, right, Frank? For that war you never know what

to do with.

Oh, that'll be $10.

$10?

Oh.

Well, here you go. Two fives. Oh, thank you, Frank.

Oh, I must run, Mary. Here, pin this on his snowsuit.

It shows he gave.

It looks like a little man with a noose around his neck.

It is. When you move it, his little tongue and eyes pop out.

I gotta go.

Don't rise. Let me give you some advice, Frank.

Don't wear that if you want to sell much life insurance.

Thanks for the hair set, Mary. You're welcome.

I'd better show you one of our whole life plans, huh?

Is this a picture of you, Frank? Huh?

Oh, gee, I must have grabbed that by a mistake.

Yeah, you see, that's sort of my scrapbook.

You know, one thing's for sure. You're never going to get a hernia lifting my

scrapbook.

You know, that's one of our old locker room jokes.

No offense, madman.

No, there's nothing quite like an old locker room.

Gee, this is a nice picture of you. Thanks, that's my bubblegum card.

Hey, I don't think I've ever met anyone who was on a bubblegum card before.

Yeah, there's some information about me on the back.

Look at all the places you've played. Los Angeles, Dallas, Minnesota.

You know, if I'd been on the first string of the Vikings, I could have

restaurant when I retired.

Is that what you really wanted to do? Well, it sure beats hustling insurance.

Yeah, owning a restaurant's a good career.

Or Colts 21, Lions 14, San Francisco 0, Chicago 22.

How was I?

Uh, I don't know. It depends on what you were doing.

Sportcasting! I'll be honest with you, Mary. That's what I really wanted to

to Lou Grant about.

I heard that there was a job for a sportscaster that was opening.

Uh, yeah, I think there is.

Well, how about it? Do you think you can get me a crack at it? Well, you don't

need me. Mr. Grant's going to have open auditions for the job. Yeah, well, it

never hurts. to have contacts these days, Mary. Yeah, but in this case... In

fact, you gotta have a contact to get anywhere these days. Yeah, but I don't

think... Hey, will you be my contact?

But I... Will you be my contact? I'll be your contact.

Uh, Mr. Grant, has the sportscaster's job been filled yet?

Nope, but it won't be open for long. Everybody in the state wants that job.

why not?

All you have to do is stand in front of a camera, read the scores for two and a

half minutes, and collect 20 grand a year.

I'm trying to figure out a way I can throw the job to my wife.

Do you think that Frank Corelli might be any good?

No. But what if he came in an audition and, I mean, just really knocked it

out? I mean, what if he was terrific?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

You mean seeing Frank Corelli? No, my wife.

If I put her in a sports jacket, pull her hair back.

Tell Frank he can audition.

Yeah?

Hi! What?

I thought you didn't expect to see me today.

No, I didn't. What are you doing down here? Let me hit my tape recorder.

Oh!

Are you all right? Oh, yeah, it's been hit a lot harder.

Hey, you want to hear my book?

Hear your book? Yeah, it's something I started my last year in training camp.

A lot of the fellas are doing it. Sort of a diary on tape.

And then they get some author to come in and turn it into a book.

I never finish mine, though.

Well, it shouldn't be a total loss. At least you can get to hear my speaking

style. Oh, by the way, I spoke to Mr. Grant, and he said you can audition.

Oh, that's terrific.

Thanks. You see what a contact can do?

Okay, now listen to this.

Testing. One, two, three, testing.

It gets better.

My life on the gridiron by Frank Carelli.

This book is dead.

to my wonderful teammates, the 65 Rams, the 66 Cowboys, and the 67

Vikings. Very interesting, Fred. Wait a minute. I'm just rolling now. Listen.

Look, I like you anyway, but you're definitely the type that was a

in high school. I was not a cheerleader. No kidding.

I was a pom -pom girl.

I was on the drum and bugle call.

but I'm an expert on bad.

you're thinking but you can't help everybody

It's been so nice to me. I thought I'd come over here as a surprise and cook

all dinner. You cook?

Do I cook?

I'm Italian, aren't I? Hey, that's great. I love Italian food. What are you

cooking? Steaks.

Steaks?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh what?

A man's got to be pretty serious when he starts cooking dinner.

Oh, well, that's... I'm not kidding, Mary. This isn't just gratitude. He's

one of us.

lady like you be doing with a meat pounder.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to get my meat pounder.

Can I help?

Huh? Oh, no, you relax. You work today.

Oh, so did you.

No, I didn't.

Every time I go out to sell insurance, my stomach gets all upset and I think

that I'm bothering people.

You know, that's why a sports casting career would be a very good thing.

Besides, I get to hang around you all day.

Just wanted to know.

Oh, I see what you're getting at. The male animal has certain needs, right?

No. Well, no offense, but you're a little bit too skinny for me.

I... Yeah, I mean, I like big broads, you know?

Zofty. So, uh, don't sweat it.

Okay, I won't sweat it.

Here's our passports of good eating.

This is Frank Corelli with the sports.

frank you gotta do it my way am i getting through to you frank frank i

help you so i have to know if i'm getting through to you am i getting

you frank

One more to go before your audition.

Mary, I can't do a thing with this man. He won't listen to me. How can I help

but listen to you the way you're screaming?

I'm only screaming at you because I want to help you. Well, stop screaming if

you want to help me. All right, now, both of you, please stop this. What

to be the problem here? Well, I wrote that special copy for him like you

but he insists on reading his copy. Go ahead, read your copy. Let Mary judge.

She'll say it's rotten and I can help you because I want to help you, Frank.

Good evening, Frank Correlli here.

world of sports. In the world of baseball today, it was Baltimore 7, New

the White Sox 8, Oakland 0.

Cincinnati and Philadelphia rained out.

I thought that rained out added a real nice touch of realism.

You see what I mean? Listen, Frank, maybe if you tried smiling.

On the other hand, maybe serious is better.

Well, better get in there.

psyching myself up like I used to before every game.

He's going to invite a cameraman.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Well, that's Timmy Brown over there. He was all pro -halfback for three years.

He's good -looking, intelligent, popular. Hey, Frank, how you been?

Hi, how are you, Timmy? Gee whiz, it's good to see you again.

You know, the last time I saw you, you were going right over me for a

Listen, I'll be ready for you in a minute, Frank.

I'll be hearing from you, Lou. All right, nice going, Timmy.

Good to see you, Frank. Yeah.

Listen, I want to warn you about something.

It'll be luckier for you if you don't get this job.

This is not such a hot place to work, right?

I'll say.

Did I get through to you, Frank?

Oh, no.

Go in and get set up for your audition.

And stick around afterwards. We can talk about some insurance.

have a chance, doesn't he? No.

Timmy was terrific.

And he had to be, because my wife wasn't half bad.

This is Frank Carolli with the sports.

Today in the world of baseball, it was...

I blew it.

Look, you girls have been a big help. Thanks a lot.

Where are you going?

I don't know. I think I'll go take a long walk.

Frank, it's ten degrees below zero out there. I think I'll take a short walk. I

think you should just come right back and sit down and we'll just all talk,

okay? That's what friends are for.

Well, there goes my sport -casting career, just like my car -selling career

my insurance -selling career. Why don't you just get a job, Frank? What do you

need a career for? Because that's what you're supposed to have.

Now, look at Frank Gifford. I'll bet he makes close to... What's the difference

what Frank Gifford makes?

I mean, there are other jobs you can have besides being a sportscaster.

Are all ex -pro ballplayers sportscasters?

What else do they do? Besides owning restaurants?

Yes. Because you've got to be on the first string to own a restaurant. I know

that. Even if you were on a championship team, then maybe you could own a bar or

something. But the point is, you don't own a restaurant. Yeah, because I never

made the first string.

All right. What else do they do?

Besides owning restaurants? Yes.

I don't know. Let me think.

Yeah. There was Whizzer White. Now, he has a fantastic job.

He makes $60 ,000 a year, and besides, they can't fire him. What does he do?

He's a Supreme Court judge.

Oh.

Well, talk about contact.

Isn't there something just a little simpler?

Yeah, Jim Brown's got a real simple job.

All he has to do is act with Raquel, what's her name, and I bet he makes a

hundred grand a picture.

Frank, if you could do anything in the world, what would you do? Play ball.

Besides that?

I don't know, hang around Mary.

Oh, come on. So I haven't thought about it.

Yeah, one thing I know I'd do for sure.

What? Go back to Florida.

Oh, the people here are terrific, but that weather out there, that's for polar

bears. Well, then why are you living here? Well, I mean, I last played ball

here, and this is where all my contacts are. I couldn't even get a job selling

insurance in Miami.

But, Frank, you don't want a job selling insurance.

Hey, maybe if my contacts here knew some contacts down in Florida... Well, you

just forget about the contacts for a minute and just think about what you

want. I got enough money for airfare and maybe one or two weeks down there.

Frank, Frank, you're healthy. You won't starve to death.

Do you girls know what it is like down in Florida right now?

Tomorrow, the sun will be shining. I bet it's going to be 80 degrees, and I'm

going to do it.

Yeah, before I change my mind, I'm going to do it.

And you know what I'm going to do the first thing when I get off the airplane?

I'm going to throw away this dumb overcoat, and I'm going to run down to

beach, and I'm going to go diving into the water, and while I'm floating on my

back, I'll be thinking about you two girls and wondering what I'm doing

in the water with my clothes on.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Bye. Hey, Frank.

Oh, thanks. Gee, I should leave more often.

Oh, you missed.

Maybe it's obscene. Oh.

Hey, wait a minute. They do send things in plain, unmarked brown wrappers, don't

they? Right.

Better open it.

Never heard of an obscene tape.

They're constantly innovating.

Okay, let's play it and see what we got here. Mary, maybe it's a collection. The

all -time great obscene phone calls.

And you too, Rhoda.

This is Frank Corelli with the sports.

I'm just kidding.

Look, I'm sorry I took so long to write, but you know how it is. I'm talking to

you from sunny Florida.

For a while, it looked like nobody wanted an ex -guard down here.

Frank, can you fix this?

Oh, sure, kid. You just gotta... There you go.

Thanks.

I even thought about coming back to Minneapolis.

But I didn't even have the fare.

Frank, come on, the game's starting.

Okay, you know, throw the ball around, warm up.

So I saw this job advertised for a playground director.

And I work in a real pretty park all day, and the kids around here think I'm

some kind of a hero.

Because I play pro ball.

So I try and teach them how to play, but not guard.

Quarterback, or running back, or... Okay, be right there.

I'm sorry, ladies, I gotta go now.

I promise to write real soon.

Sincerely yours, Frank Corelli.

Ah, did you hear that? He's teaching all those little kids to be quarterbacks.

Isn't that beautiful?

He wants them all to own restaurants someday.