Original subtitles

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

Girl, this time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have it down, why don't you

take it?

You might just make it after long

You might just make it

I'll turn it on.

This is Ted Baxter. Be with me tonight at WJM election headquarters when this

reporter and his team of political experts are the first to predict a

the Minneapolis city election.

My comprehensive analysis will begin at 7 .30, right after the three stooges.

Come in.

Sorry, Mr. Grant. My hands were full. Mary, can I ask you a personal question?

Yes, sure. What did you knock with? Oh, with my... Uh -huh.

Mr. Grant, Murray and I dug up some fantastic facts for the election show

tonight. And we thought that if you liked them, we could put them on cue

in case Ted Baxter runs out of things to say.

Good. Baxter usually runs out sometime after good evening, ladies and

Sometimes after good evening, ladies.

Mary, when somebody does a terrific job, I believe in letting them... know it.

Good work, Murray!

Mary, I want you to be in charge out there on the floor tonight.

You want me to be in charge? But that's your job.

No, my job is telling you what your job is. Look, if it's a question of extra

money... No, it's not a question of money! Good, because there isn't any.

Mr. Grant, you don't seem to understand.

In order to be in charge, I mean, you... have to be able to exert authority.

And I just, I've never been any good at that.

You can do it. No, I can't. You, you could do it. But I mean, see, if I were

right now, I'd probably be saying, uh, uh, Mary, I'm in sort of a little bind

right now. And if you don't mind. Look, I don't want to talk about it. You're

doing it. You see, there it is.

That's it.

Start by telling the crew to take a half hour dinner break.

A half hour?

The way the snow's coming down.

It'd be nice if everybody was back by the time they had to start. Go tell

Mr.

Grant, really, I've just never been any good at exerting authority.

They're probably not even going to listen to me.

What'd you say?

Oh, let me check Baxter's up. Over here, Murray.

No, it's okay. Take your time.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Ted Baxter.

Welcome to WJM's continuous election night coverage. And remember, we'll stay

the air until the winner is declared. Take off glasses.

Look concerned.

Baxter told me to put that stage direction in there. Take it out. Oh,

Murr. Leave it in. That's the way I remember my motivation. I don't mind you

remembering your motivation.

It just frosts me when you read it over the air like you did last night.

Mississippi River rises.

Thousands flee homes. Take off glasses. Look concerned.

Oh, I can explain that. You see, when I took off my glasses to look concerned, I

forgot my place on the cue card.

Hi, Mayor. Hi, Ted.

Tom, could you take this material that I've marked and put it on cue cards for

Ted? Who okayed this material?

Well, I did. Well, what about Lou?

Well, I'm sort of in charge of the show tonight.

You're in what?

Charge. That's dinner break. Take an hour.

Could I have your attention, please?

Everybody, would you all just gather around, please? Could I have your

attention, please? Hey, everybody. What's your name, honey? Mary. Mary

your attention.

Thank you. I have an important announcement to make.

But first of all...

Thank you all for the very good work that you've been doing. Mary, would you

to the important announcement you're cutting into our dinner hour? Well, that

the important announcement.

We're only going to take a half an hour for dinner tonight.

I can't eat dinner in a half hour. Of course you can. It takes someone that

to cut up his food for us.

The reason we have to eat in a half an hour is that it's snowing really very

badly out. I can't eat a whole dinner in a half hour, and that's all there's to

it. Well, Ted...

I didn't want to have to say this, but, uh, well, just a little while ago, I was

in Mr.

Grant's, uh, Lou's office, and, uh, he put me in charge of the show tonight.

uh, as the person in charge of the show tonight, I'm saying that we're gonna

take a half an hour for dinner.

As the anchorman of the show tonight, I say... I'll just have to eat my dinner a

little faster, that's all.

Let's go again.

How's it going?

Well, uh, they're not, uh, you know, I, uh...

Mary,

it's really starting to come down hard.

Hey, what time is it now?

Don't worry. You have 15 minutes to get back. You want me to make you a cheese

sandwich? Oh, great.

Okay. Oh, I don't know what to wear. I don't know what dress to wear. I don't

know what shoes to...

At least you get to dress up to go to work.

When a person dresses dummies in a department store window like I do, the

deal is every Monday morning when your smock is starched. Yeah.

You don't know what it's like giving orders to Ted Baxter.

Oh, is he gorgeous.

Most people on TV are so phony, but that's Ted Baxter. When he takes off...

It's nobody's fault. Sometimes, no matter how many precautions you take,

things just happen. Who's having the baby?

Bye -bye.

That was the employment agency. Our extra girls refused to come to work in

blizzard. Yeah? What were they supposed to do? Well, just answer the phones. I

can answer phones.

And look good on television. I can answer phones.

You're on.

Great. Oh, Mary. A cheese sandwich. Yes.

Um, how is it possible to make a bad cheese sandwich?

Well, you...

of cheese, so I used yogurt.

Five minutes to air time, everybody.

Mimi, has the other girl shown up yet? Not yet.

Everything ready, Mayor?

Well, no, no. We're still short a girl on the phones, and we need someone to

the tote board, and the political analyst hasn't shown up. Uh -huh.

Can you tell us what time we'll wrap tonight?

Well, I have no idea.

You think it'll be before nine?

Well, we'll be here till we predict a winner. And what difference does it

Well, it's not hard to understand. You see, I want to go to bed early so that I

can get up early tomorrow so I can read the reviews about what I did tonight.

Oh, excuse me, Ted. I think this is Dr. Newton, our political analyst.

Doctor, I'm not even a dentist.

show you how to work that board. Yeah. Now, look, when the numbers come in, you

get them up on the board. Yeah.

Right on camera behind Ted Baxter.

Oh.

How's this, Mary? Is this okay?

Uh, yes.

Yes, it's wonderful, but you're going to have to do it in the back of the board.

You mean I'm going to be behind this thing all night? Yeah, well, that's

all the gadgets are. I'm not taking this crummy job. Rudolph, come on. You're my

friend. Who else do you give crummy jobs to?

How about one of those losers over there?

I know I have trouble telling people what to do. You seem to be telling me

pretty good. Rhoda, please.

Oh, all right. But this is the last time I do a favor for you, Mary Richard.

You see that headset?

Put it on, and when the numbers come in, get them up on the board.

If I'd known this was the job, I would have gone out and bought an ankle

bracelet.

Stand by for air.

Good luck, Ted.

Thanks, Mary.

Mary, I am smiling.

When I am smiling, I am...

First results are starting to come in.

Turner, 85.

Mitchell, 23.

There it goes up on the tote board. Good.

Baxter seems in good form. Fine.

Everything's working smoothly.

Mary, when someone does a terrific job, I believe in letting them know it.

You're doing a... What was that?

I don't know.

What's wrong with the lights?

The teletype stopped.

It can't... Stop.

If it stops, we don't get votes.

It stopped.

We don't get votes.

This door must have knocked the lines down.

Well, at least we still have people at the precinct to phone the votes in.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Stand by.

Action. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's 7 .30. The polls are

And I'm Ted Baxter. Welcome to WJM's continuous election night coverage. And

remember, we'll be on the air with minute -by -minute returns.

until a winner is declared.

We're in for an exciting evening here at WJM.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that have tuned in late, we've been

on the air for two hours now and be up to the hour total.

Turner, 85.

Mitchell, 23.

And the tension is mounting.

commercial. Good.

We'll be back with more election results, I hope, right after this

And cut!

I can't take it anymore.

Two hours of 85 -23, 85 -23.

I need new numbers. I can't ad -lib anymore.

But, Ted, your ad -libbing is great.

Really? Really.

Yes, just fine. Fine. Look, a couple of small points, I mean, hardly worth

mentioning, but, uh,

think it's right on the election show to do impressions of Humphrey Bogart?

That's all you know. I was doing Jimmy Cagney.

I'm not going back out there alone.

Has the political analyst arrived yet? No.

I'm going back out there alone.

I'll never make it.

Look, Ted, I'm positive the phone lines are going to be repaired soon. In the

meantime, we're all counting on you to pull us through.

Thirty seconds. Stand by.

Ted, you're going to be just fine. Mary.

Why do we have to go back on the air?

Why don't we rerun last year's elections?

At least last year's elections, the numbers changed. Not like Turner 85,

Mitchell 23.

Turner 108, Mitchell 61.

Like that.

Turner 112, Mitchell 74.

The board's working. Don't stop me now. I'm rolling.

Turner 136, Mitchell 114. Hold it.

It was Turner 85, Mitchell 23, I know. Rhoda, please, get back there. Okay,

okay.

Ted, I'm sorry.

Rhoda made a mistake. These are the wrong numbers.

Stand by, everybody.

No, what's wrong is I'm standing on this mark, and that man is going to throw

his finger at me, and I'm going to have to say, welcome back to election

headquarters.

It's still Turner 85, Mitchell 23.

A definite trend is being set. Turner's lead seems to be holding quite steady.

the excitement is just beginning.

Meanwhile, let's have a look at some of the other hotly contested issues.

For example, the controversial Proposition A seems to be shaping up as

cliffhanger.

Right now, the figures are zero to zero.

Have you ever wondered what the letters WJM stood for?

Well, I certainly have.

And so, in 1951, WJM was granted a license by the FCC.

Have you ever wondered what the letters FCC stand for?

That man is dying out there.

He's read everything in the studio, including his driver's license.

What we need are votes to talk about. What's happening with the phone company?

Well, I sent a man over there. And?

is missing.

So I've sent another man to look for the first man.

Don't tell me. Yes, I'd like to send another man, but it's getting harder and

harder to find volunteers.

Maybe you ought to send Baxter.

No, no, no. With our luck, he'd be the only one to make it back.

Mr. Grant, why don't we just rerun an old movie or something until everything

gets fixed?

That's a good question for someone who doesn't know anything about this

business.

We sold our election night coverage to sponsors.

They don't have to pay us unless we give them election night coverage.

So, unless there's a movie called Election Night Coverage.

Lou, I ran out of things to say.

What? He ran out of things to say three hours ago.

This time it's different.

What?

Turn on the sound, Mary.

Oh, this is different.

What's he doing out there?

Breathing.

I don't believe I've ever seen that before.

Murray, get in the commercial fast.

Right. That settles it.

There are boats out there, and I'm going to bring them here.

Mario, get the mobile unit gassed up. Check the chains. I'm taking it out.

No. No, what do you mean no? No, don't go.

No, no, no, no. I didn't say no, Mario. I said yes. She said no. Yes, I'm still

going.

Please don't go.

If you go, who's going to be in charge?

The same person who's been in charge all night, you.

Mr. Grant, the only reason they let me be in charge was because they knew you

were here to be in charge.

Why don't you stay and let me go get the votes?

I can't let you go out in that snow.

Why not? I'm good in the snow. I drive very carefully. I've driven in it

You really think you can?

Of course I can. The mobile unit has automatic transmission, doesn't it?

Floor on the floor, double clutch, compound low.

Four -wheel drive and a hydraulic shovel.

I can learn.

Look, Mary, I hate to tell you this, but the mobile unit is a truck.

A big truck.

A big one.

I can still learn. It's something, it's like an H, right?

It's more like an H with a W in the middle of it and a T on the side.

I'm sorry, Mary. You're still in charge.

And will you stop looking like that?

Like what?

Like that. Like a poster for Radio Free Europe.

Why do you suddenly just feel so lonely?

Turn on the TV.

That's always good company.

Add the yolks of three eggs, half a cup of walnuts, and bacon of three eggs.

For this wonderful next night's snack.

He's doing recipes.

I'll hurry.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's still Turner 85, Mitchell 23.

But I'm sure our phone lines will be repaired soon, and we'll have some new

results. With luck, maybe right after this next commercial.

And cut!

Ted, are you all right?

You... you're doing this to me. Ted, I'm going to find you some help.

Murray, we need somebody to talk to.

Don't look at me. I don't even talk to him at parties.

Who are we going to get?

What about him? He's already in makeup.

Oh, thank heaven. That must be the political analyst.

Doctor?

Father. Dr. Father?

Father Flint.

Oh, well, I'm very pleased to meet you. I wasn't expecting to meet a priest.

It's my turn to do sermonette.

little trouble here.

I know, I know.

I haven't seen a man suffer like that since Joe.

What do you consider going on with him?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

I've always wanted to do a talk show.

Thank you, Father.

Ted, we've got some help.

What's he doing here? Do I look that bad?

Relax, my dear boy. You're going to be all right.

Now, where's my close -up camera?

Am I on my mark here?

In the chair, Father.

All right, coming out of commercial. Stand by.

Good luck, Ted. It's going to be fine. And, Father, thank you.

Stand by.

Action!

Back again, ladies and gentlemen.

We're fortunate to have an old friend drop by to say hello while our phone

are being repaired.

I'd like you to meet Father.

Father, what's your name?

Father Flint.

Tell me, Padre.

Now that I've got you here, there's a question I'm sure our viewers would like

answered.

How long have you been interested in religion?

Did you hear about the minister and the rabbi and the priest?

who all decided to play golf one election day. Yes, Father, about a half

ago.

Oh, I see it's time for another commercial.

Ted and I will be right back after this important message.

Ed, cut!

Oh, he's just fine, Ted, really fine.

I think you're going to have to find someone to take Father Flint's place.

Poor man. He seemed to have lost a lot of his wind after they sang Danny Boy.

Hey, listen, everybody.

Channel 3 just predicted Turner a winner and signed off.

All we have to do is declare Turner a winner. We can all go home.

Hold it just a minute. What? What was that? That was hold it just a minute. We

can't go on with that information. It's not official.

It's official enough for me.

Murray, no.

It wouldn't be so bad.

Hey, what more do you need?

of commercials. Stand by. I am going to declare a winner now. Ted, Ted, look, I

know you're dead tired and you want to go home and we all want to go home, but

just cannot let you make this announcement. I'm going to declare a

Ted, if you declare a winner now, you're fired.

Stand by, everybody.

And action.

Welcome back, gentlemen and ladies.

It looks like...

Turn 85, Mitchell 23.

And we'll stay right here until we get all the facts to declare a winner.

Oh, I see Gordy the weatherman just stopped in to say hello.

He's going to tell us all about what makes it snow right after this

And cut!

Congratulations, kid. How'd you do it? I don't know. I just opened my mouth and

your fire just came out.

I guess I'm not so bad at being... in charge after all.

See, Rhoda, aren't you supposed to be in back of that board right now? I don't

feel like it.

Oh, Tom, I wonder, could I talk to you about that? Later, honey, I'm busy.

But I'm supposed to be in charge.

I decided to pack my bags and leave New York City and come here to Minneapolis.

People ask me, why Minneapolis?

And I replied, why not?

Oh, I see it's time for a commercial.

Ted and I will be right back after this brief message.

And cut!

And what did you do after you got to Minneapolis?

the air. Oh, are we? Yeah.

Would you lead me to the water?

I think I'm thirsty.

Of course.

Steady now.

Come on.

Hi.

Hey, what's going on here?

Say, aren't you, uh, are you, uh, Chuckles the Clown? No, no, I'm Walter

Cronkite.

How did you get through the snowstorm?

I took the bus.

They quit snowing about an hour ago. Listen, I don't know. How come you're

on the air? I have to go on in about a half an hour, you know. Well, we're

waiting for the election returns.

Election returns? Haven't you heard?

We haven't heard anything.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Mitchell wins it. Turner concedes.

Turner. Mitchell won it, not Turner.

Mm -hmm. Chuckles, listen.

Ted is not really in any condition to go on. Would you go on and announce the

winner so that we can all go home?

Chuckles. Buck a bucky -wuck, would I ever. Just point Mr. Camera at me.

in charge. I never second -guess them. That's my policy.

So I'm never going to ask you why you put Ted Baxter in a clown suit.